Hello, fellow YWSer! I noticed the fourth installation of this story has currently been sitting in the Green Room since November. I'd thought I'd try to help you get it out of there. However, since there are earlier chapters, I've decided to read these first so that I might be able to comment on plot and characters. Whether the fourth chapter will still be in the green room by time I finish is a challenge we will find out together, I suppose. Let's begin!
Hooves thunder down a dusty road, ... Lord Robin had commanded a large army in the war.
I've glanced at some of the previous reviews you've received for this piece and noted they commented on the issues with your comma usage. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but thought I'd still add an additional opinion that I agree with what they've said.
Many said that it was Robin that won the war for England ... nor the screams that kept him awake at night.
This is your second paragraph I'm quoting/paraphrasing. I just want to use this section to help provide an example of your writing where you're using commas properly. So if you can modify that first paragraph to match the style of this second one, you should be golden.
A young girl yellow head girl closely followed Robin.
This is a weird combination of adjectives and nouns pertaining to the young girl. Suggestion to change A young girl yellow head girl to A young yellow-headed girl.
In her eyes, one could see the admiration that she held for Robin. Robin had saved Hilhara from slavery and ever since she had never left his side.
Quite a bit to mention here. First, try to avoid using back-to-back names like the bolded Robin's. Second, the first sentence is more of a telling sentence. It would help improve this section if you could describe her behavior so that it shows this rather than you just telling us. The second sentence does a better job of this.
This issue with telling (and not showing) is prevalent in many sections of this piece, so I won't repeat this again. But I can quote the sentences I saw this occur if you need more help. But I won't do it unless you ask.
Anyways, continuing on!
... they pulled on the horse’s rains to stop for a brief rest.
Reins
Robin always got tiered of riding ...
tired
... watching the inky leaves and shadows were the sun probably never reached through the broad leaves of the trees.
Oooooohhhh, I like the description of "inky leaves". However, were should be where.
“Much, Hilhara, let's go for a walk.” Robin says to distract himself.
I believe Stori commented on this below. For dialogue, that period after walk should be a comma. I think Stori did a good job explaining why. Just know this is an issue throughout this chapter.
“We have a few hours tell dark ...
Should be either until or 'til.
Robin and Much enjoyed the peace of the forest
Missing a period at the end of this sentence.
“What do you mean? How can a forest not feel right?” Hilhara shook her head.
I'm assuming from the previous quote this is supposed to be Robin's dialogue, but the speech tag is suggesting this is Hilhara's. But this could also be Much's. I suggest moving Hilhara shook her head. to a new line (or combining this with the following line when she speaks) and then adding a speech tag here that denotes the speaker of this quote.
Robin knit, the man was clearly a novice at archery.
You're trying to use novice as a verb, but it's a noun. Added the a to fix this.
His hands shaky were he aimed at the deer.
This is the second time I've seen this mistake. I don't know if you're having an issue with your 'h' key or you're having trouble between where versus were. Just in case, I'll give a brief explanation. Were is a verb and is the past-tense for "be". Where is denoting a position or location.
What were solders doing in the sherwood forest?
Since this is a name, these should be capitalized.
Only a sighed document by the king ...
Signed
... has a plientaly of one hundred pounds.
Penalty
... and was very compensate.
Compassionate
The solders unmounted and grabbed the man ...
Should be soldiers. This misspelling shows up a lot.
Robin could not stand by whale this injustice continued.
While
... lord Robin of Loxley.
This is a title and needs to be capitalized.
So if you new that ...
Knew
“So if you new that you could not pay the fine then why did you come here in the first place?” Hilhara asked.
Wow, way to textbook victim shame, Hilhara. xD
"That deer was my families last chance. We are going to starve now."
Well, dang. That escalated quickly. O_O
And losing something you is way worse than never having it at all.
Remove the bold.
He held it out to Cayleb. The man just stared at the animal. Why would his man help him so much? He did not know Lord Loxely and Lord Loxely did not know him.
You're using "man" ambiguously here. You have it referring to Cayleb and then switching to using it to refer to Robin. Also, be careful when switching POV's in third person because this can also provide some confusion.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Overall Thoughts:
-Title: I'm a little curious why you opted out of giving this piece a title? Even if you were uncertain what to call it, you could always use a temporary title and put an author's note asking for feedback/help on your title. But, just my ten cents.
-Characters:
If I understand correctly, the major characters to have shown up in this is: Robin, Hilhara, Much, Cayleb. There's not a whole lot to say at this point. It sounds like this is a version of the Robin Hood tale. And it sounds like you're sticking pretty close to Robin's typical character traits, which is fine. Less work on the reader. Hilhara, Much, and Cayleb I assume are your own unique characters to contribute. I don't know how long Cayleb will stay in this story. I would assume he's going to show up again if you took the trouble of naming him. As for Hilhara and Much, they seem like rather generic side kicks at the moment. A lot of this seems to tie in with your issues of telling us things about them without showing us their character traits.
For example, towards the end, you have Much tell Cayleb at the end, "Robin is one of the best hunters in the country. Practically lived in these forest when he was young. I could never get him to leave the woods." This sentence does a far better job at explaining Robin's archery background, as well as the friendship between Much and Robin, far better than an of the info dropping you did earlier on in the chapter. Not to mention that this is a much more fitting location for this information to be provided to the reader than while you're in the middle of setting up the scenery/setting early on.
-Plot: As of right now, sounds like another Robin Hood plot. Nothing to really set it apart. But, that's okay. I think if you can improve this issues with your characters I mentioned above, you could certainly use that as the factor that makes this plot unique.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hope something from this helps. Happy Review Day~~~!
Points: 12486
Reviews: 111
Donate