z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 1 Return

by Irislillygray


Hooves thunder down a dusty road, dirt flew behind them turning the greenery a light brown. A black stallion led the rest, the mighty steed carried a lord of great status, Robin of Loxley. A man of honor, a respected leader and warrior. The travelers were battle beaten and journey worn, they came from the west, were the armies of King Richard of England fought a bloody battle. Lord Robin had commanded a large army in the war.

Many said that it was Robin that won the war for England. But Robin viewed the war more as a lost. He said, no one ever understands just how much one looses in war. Robin would never forget the souls lost in battle, nor the screams that kept him awake at night.

A young girl yellow head girl closely followed Robin. In her eyes, one could see the admiration that she held for Robin. Robin had saved Hilhara from slavery and ever since she had never left his side.

Much, a small man, rode just behind Robin and Hilhara. He had cared for Robin since they were both young. Much was Robin’s closest friend, they had shared many hardships and grew together.

Robin was a man of great loyalty, and his friends retuned that loyalty. They stood beside him in war and they would swear to anyone that would listen that they would stay with Robin for the rest of time. And they would.

The group were traveling back from war, victors that eagerly await the return home. They missed the peaceful meadows of Loxley, the bustling towns full of life. They missed their homes and families, they wanted to sit by the fire at night and not have to worry weather they would survive the night.

Robin held up his hand and signaled the men to stop, they pulled on the horse’s rains to stop for a brief rest. Robin unmounted his horse, and smiled at his friends. Robin always got tiered of riding, he had never liked horses, ever since he was young. So Robin would often stop and go for a walk to take a brake from the riding. Robin would often say, that the best thoughts come to you durning a walk, for you have nothing to do but walk and think.

Robin stared into the thick dark forest, watching the inky leaves and shadows were the sun probably never reached through the broad leaves of the trees. His thoughts drifted to his time in war. Robin quickly dispelled those thoughts, for it was not healthy to dwell on those thoughts, war could drive men mad.

“Much, Hilhara, let's go for a walk.” Robin says to distract himself.

“Robin, we should not stop. We have to reach Loxley before dark.” said Hilhara, her eyes wondering the forest. “And something does not feel right here.”

“We have a few hours tell dark, and I need to stretch my legs, and we won't take long.” Robin then made his escape into the forest, and as always. Much and Hilhara followed.

The three travel on a small rickety path though the forest. Leaves and undergrowth covered the ground, making the small path hard to see. The ever constant roots and rocks on the path threatens to trip Robin as he makes his way. Robin recognized the feeling of the forest from when he was little. Robin would wonder in the woods and learned the way of the forest. He loved the Sherwood Forest that covered one-fourth of England.

Robin and his friends stayed silent as they made it though the forest. Robin and Much enjoyed the peace of the forest

“Robin?” Hilhara said though the silence. “This place does not feel right.”

“What do you mean? How can a forest not feel right?” Hilhara shook her head.

“It just does.” She said and made her way forward. Robin and Much followed.

The group stop right before a clearing when they saw a man. Robin was surprised to see a young man drawing a bow. The arrow tip pointed at a deer with big horns sticking out of the buck’s head. Robin watched the man, his sharp eyes missing nothing. Robin knit, the man was clearly novice at archery. His hands shaky were he aimed at the deer.

When Robin was young, his father would go hunting with him. Robin learned all he knew about archery from his father. Robin learned quickly and loved archery. But it was never the same after his father died in the fire. Robin continued archery as an honor to his father and because he loved it as a part of him.

Leaves rustled, Robin and his companions turn to the side, ears strained to catch the faint noises. The sound of hooves reach their ears. But the man in the meadow is too focused on the deer to notice the sounds.

Solders on horse back made their way into the clearing. The solders and horses startled the man, but he still let go of the string. The arrow missed its mark, but did manage to scare the deer off.

The man stared at the fleeting figure of the deer something in his eyes left with the deer. Not wanting to face the guards as he shook in fear for his life the man stared at his feet.

Robin studied the solders. What were solders doing in the sherwood forest? The forest is not property of anyone. It is free range for hunting, fire wood and resources. Only cutting down the trees was banded by Richard to keep the forest growing. Only a sighed document by the king, would allow a person to cut down the trees.

“To shoot one of Prince John’s deer has a plientaly of one hundred pounds. Can you pay?” the guard said. What was this about the deer being Prince John’s? The game in the forest was for anyone. It worked out well for it was not easy to hunt in the sherwood forest, which kept the forest full of game. What made no sense at all was that Prince John was a kind man. He didn’t mess with politics too much and was very compensate. He was shy and did not show himself much.

The man shook his head, his dropping eyes down cast. No one had that money except the nobility. Robin shook his head, what was going on?

“No.”

“If you can’t pay, you have to pay with your life.” The guard told the man. “Take him to the castle!”The man’s eyes widened and he looked up, tilting his head so he can see the solder atop the horse, the man’s knees hit the ground.

“Please, have mercy.” The man had a thick accent .“My wife is having a baby and I need to be there to provide.” The guard shook his head no, his merciless eyes narrowed in annoyance, as if the man was irritating.

“Grab him.” The solders unmounted and grabbed the man, dragging him off screaming and kicking. Robin could not stand by whale this injustice continued. He stepped out of the shadows with Much and Hilhara behind him.

“Don’t take the man. I’ll pay.” Robin tossed a sack at the guard. The sack hit the ground at the feet of the solder. The solder pick up the bag examining the out side of the bag. The solders hand went over the embroidered crest of the Loxley family, then examined the contents of the bag. He nodded, content with the money.

“Lord of Loxley, as you wish.” The solder said bowing his head then signaled the other solders and they left the clearing. The peasant man stared at Robin with wide eyes. He then got on one knee and bowed his head.

“I thank you so much, lord Robin of Loxley.” His voice shaking, Robin nodded to the man.

“Tell me, I have been away at war for so long, what just happened?” The man looked up at Robin, his eyes full of relief and gratefulness.

“My Lord, after you left, Prince John was put in charge of the kingdom, while the king was at war, Prince John made a law. No one was to go into the Sherwood forest, nor hunt any of the game, if someone were to violate that law, the person has to pay a fine, and if they can’t pay, they are taken to the capital.”

“So if you new that you could not pay the fine then why did you come here in the first place?” Hilhara asked.

“The taxes have risen so much I cannot pay for food, this is the last resort for my family.” The man answered. The man's eyes looked sunken and hopeless. "That deer was my families last chance. We are going to starve now."

“What is your name?” Much's voice was soft and full of compassion. Much had a gift, he could comfort the uncomfortable just by saying a few kind words.

“Cayleb, sir.” The man's shoulder's relaxed and he gain some of his lost hope back. Much turned to Robin and raise an eyebrow. Robin sighed. He pulled the bow from his back. Nocked an arrow and disappeared into the greenery.

"He'll be back in about five minutes. Robin is one of the best hunters in the country. Practically lived in these forest when he was young. I could never get him to leave the woods." Much explained. "Trust me." They stood in awkward silence after that. Cayleb not daring to hope for anything, lest he lose it. And losing something you is way worse than never having it at all.

Sure enough, after five minutes of award silence Robin came back, with a buck over his shoulder. He held it out to Cayleb. The man just stared at the animal. Why would his man help him so much? He did not know Lord Loxely and Lord Loxely did not know him.

“Take the deer and go, Cayleb.” Much prompted. The man bowed, then grabbed the deer and left. 


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Sat Dec 30, 2017 2:38 am
rawrafied wrote a review...



Hello, fellow YWSer! I noticed the fourth installation of this story has currently been sitting in the Green Room since November. I'd thought I'd try to help you get it out of there. However, since there are earlier chapters, I've decided to read these first so that I might be able to comment on plot and characters. Whether the fourth chapter will still be in the green room by time I finish is a challenge we will find out together, I suppose. Let's begin!

Hooves thunder down a dusty road, ... Lord Robin had commanded a large army in the war.


I've glanced at some of the previous reviews you've received for this piece and noted they commented on the issues with your comma usage. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but thought I'd still add an additional opinion that I agree with what they've said.

Many said that it was Robin that won the war for England ... nor the screams that kept him awake at night.


This is your second paragraph I'm quoting/paraphrasing. I just want to use this section to help provide an example of your writing where you're using commas properly. So if you can modify that first paragraph to match the style of this second one, you should be golden.

A young girl yellow head girl closely followed Robin.


This is a weird combination of adjectives and nouns pertaining to the young girl. Suggestion to change A young girl yellow head girl to A young yellow-headed girl.

In her eyes, one could see the admiration that she held for Robin. Robin had saved Hilhara from slavery and ever since she had never left his side.


Quite a bit to mention here. First, try to avoid using back-to-back names like the bolded Robin's. Second, the first sentence is more of a telling sentence. It would help improve this section if you could describe her behavior so that it shows this rather than you just telling us. The second sentence does a better job of this.

This issue with telling (and not showing) is prevalent in many sections of this piece, so I won't repeat this again. But I can quote the sentences I saw this occur if you need more help. But I won't do it unless you ask.

Anyways, continuing on!

... they pulled on the horse’s rains to stop for a brief rest.


Reins

Robin always got tiered of riding ...


tired

... watching the inky leaves and shadows were the sun probably never reached through the broad leaves of the trees.


Oooooohhhh, I like the description of "inky leaves". However, were should be where.

“Much, Hilhara, let's go for a walk.” Robin says to distract himself.


I believe Stori commented on this below. For dialogue, that period after walk should be a comma. I think Stori did a good job explaining why. Just know this is an issue throughout this chapter.

“We have a few hours tell dark ...


Should be either until or 'til.

Robin and Much enjoyed the peace of the forest


Missing a period at the end of this sentence.

“What do you mean? How can a forest not feel right?” Hilhara shook her head.


I'm assuming from the previous quote this is supposed to be Robin's dialogue, but the speech tag is suggesting this is Hilhara's. But this could also be Much's. I suggest moving Hilhara shook her head. to a new line (or combining this with the following line when she speaks) and then adding a speech tag here that denotes the speaker of this quote.

Robin knit, the man was clearly a novice at archery.


You're trying to use novice as a verb, but it's a noun. Added the a to fix this.

His hands shaky were he aimed at the deer.


This is the second time I've seen this mistake. I don't know if you're having an issue with your 'h' key or you're having trouble between where versus were. Just in case, I'll give a brief explanation. Were is a verb and is the past-tense for "be". Where is denoting a position or location.

What were solders doing in the sherwood forest?


Since this is a name, these should be capitalized.

Only a sighed document by the king ...


Signed

... has a plientaly of one hundred pounds.


Penalty

... and was very compensate.


Compassionate

The solders unmounted and grabbed the man ...


Should be soldiers. This misspelling shows up a lot.

Robin could not stand by whale this injustice continued.


While

... lord Robin of Loxley.


This is a title and needs to be capitalized.

So if you new that ...


Knew

“So if you new that you could not pay the fine then why did you come here in the first place?” Hilhara asked.


Wow, way to textbook victim shame, Hilhara. xD

"That deer was my families last chance. We are going to starve now."


Well, dang. That escalated quickly. O_O

And losing something you is way worse than never having it at all.


Remove the bold.

He held it out to Cayleb. The man just stared at the animal. Why would his man help him so much? He did not know Lord Loxely and Lord Loxely did not know him.

You're using "man" ambiguously here. You have it referring to Cayleb and then switching to using it to refer to Robin. Also, be careful when switching POV's in third person because this can also provide some confusion.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Overall Thoughts:
-Title: I'm a little curious why you opted out of giving this piece a title? Even if you were uncertain what to call it, you could always use a temporary title and put an author's note asking for feedback/help on your title. But, just my ten cents.
-Characters:
If I understand correctly, the major characters to have shown up in this is: Robin, Hilhara, Much, Cayleb. There's not a whole lot to say at this point. It sounds like this is a version of the Robin Hood tale. And it sounds like you're sticking pretty close to Robin's typical character traits, which is fine. Less work on the reader. Hilhara, Much, and Cayleb I assume are your own unique characters to contribute. I don't know how long Cayleb will stay in this story. I would assume he's going to show up again if you took the trouble of naming him. As for Hilhara and Much, they seem like rather generic side kicks at the moment. A lot of this seems to tie in with your issues of telling us things about them without showing us their character traits.

For example, towards the end, you have Much tell Cayleb at the end, "Robin is one of the best hunters in the country. Practically lived in these forest when he was young. I could never get him to leave the woods." This sentence does a far better job at explaining Robin's archery background, as well as the friendship between Much and Robin, far better than an of the info dropping you did earlier on in the chapter. Not to mention that this is a much more fitting location for this information to be provided to the reader than while you're in the middle of setting up the scenery/setting early on.
-Plot: As of right now, sounds like another Robin Hood plot. Nothing to really set it apart. But, that's okay. I think if you can improve this issues with your characters I mentioned above, you could certainly use that as the factor that makes this plot unique.
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Hope something from this helps. Happy Review Day~~~!




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Wed Nov 15, 2017 6:00 pm
ChieTheWriter says...



Dude, how many people love Robin Hood on here and a making re-writes of the story??

I likey.

I'm also writing one. competition...






Really! Are you posting in on yws? That is awesome!
~Iris





Not posting on YWS, but in a club I have some of my things. I'll link you if you want. My version is just a retelling based off original legends and the classic stories.





I would love it if you linked me! I would really like to read more versions of Robin Hood!





IT'S AWESOME

Not my writing really but Robin YES



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Sun Aug 27, 2017 2:31 am
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hey Iris!

I'm sensing this is a Robin Hood type of story and already I'm intrigued because I enjoy these kinds of novels!

Syntax-wise, you do have quite a bit of mistakes but I'm positive you can smooth these out the more you write and edit and get feedback. I've noticed that your dialogue punctuation needs some work, so check out this article here. Another issue I found is tense switching! Stori already pointed out some tense switching errors, so I'll leave it. I suggest to check to make sure that your tenses are consistent. One final thing: comma splice.

Robin always got tiered of riding, he had never liked horses, ever since he was young.


This has a comma splice. There are several here, so I refer you to this article. If you want to find more Grammar Articles, check here!

There are some other typos here and there but I think just examining each word closely and making sure it makes sense to be there will help.

I'm sensing an omniscient narrator( can see into everybody's heads) and I think this is a nice choice for a Robin Hood-style story. In my opinion, it does fit. I would love to see this narrator's voice honed to be a little more distinctive, but right now, I feel as if telling the story is more important. Just food for thought.

The Robin here does match the Robin Hood I know. Right now, he's been shown as a hero and as much as I like heroic characters, I hope I can see some little flaws in his character( I remember Robin Hood *did* have a large ego, didn't he? Or maybe I didn't remember right?).

Hope I helped in my ramble, and let me know if you have something to say!~

-Ink




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Tue Aug 15, 2017 4:33 pm
Stori wrote a review...



First of all, 'tis a grand thing to find a new story about Robin Hood. And second, this piece could use some help with word choice and tense. Here we go.

Hooves thunder down a dusty road, dirt flew behind them turning the greenery a light brown. A black stallion led the rest, the mighty steed carried a lord of great status, Robin of Loxley. A man of honor, a respected leader and warrior. The travelers were battle beaten and journey worn, they came from the west, were the armies of King Richard of England fought a bloody battle. Lord Robin had commanded a large army in the war.


Right away you have mixed tenses. "Thunder" is present tense while the rest of the paragraph is past. You can fix it easily by tacking "ed" onto "thunder."

The second sentence needs a little work. Here are some ways to restore it to proper form:

A black stallion led the rest, carrying a lord...
A black stallion led the rest. The mighty steed carried...


A man of honor, a respected leader and warrior.


^This is what's known as a sentence fragment. It doesn't tell us who was a man of honor, though the previous sentence does. What you could to is to combine the two- something like...

The mighty steed carried a lord, a man of honor- Robin of Loxley.


(Side note- in British English it would be "honour". This adds a bit of authenticity, but you don't have to do it.)

Many said that it was Robin that won the war for England. But Robin viewed the war more as a lost loss. He said, no one ever understands just how much one looses in war. Robin would never forget the souls lost in battle, nor the screams that kept him awake at night.


Personally I would use a direct quote: He said, "No one understands just how much one loses in war."

“To shoot one of Prince John’s deer has a plientaly of one hundred pounds.


A what? Perhaps you meant to say a penalty- or is "plientaly" a medieval word that means the same?

“Please, have mercy.” The man had a thick accent.


Be so good as to describe his accent or state plainly what county it was from, please.

“The taxes have risen so much I cannot pay for food, this is the last resort for my family.” The man answered.


This seems to be a common mistake with new writers. When a line of dialog ends with "he said" or something similar, it's good grammar to use a comma. Thus "this is the last resort for my family," the man answered.

You have a good start here! Please tell me when you post the next chapter; I'll be sure to review it. A final note- "way worse" is out of place in this story. "Much worse" sounds more appropriate to Robin's era.






Thank you so much for your corrections! I will be sure to try and use your advice in my work! I really do appreciate your help!





I have posted the next chapter.



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Tue Aug 15, 2017 2:28 am
Aralynne says...



I like this. It's interesting.(in the second to last paragraph, there's a typo. I think award is supposed to be akward.) But I really did enjoy the story.






Thank for telling me and yes it is supposed to be awkward. Thank you for the comment! I hope you will like the next chapter when it come out!



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Mon Aug 14, 2017 1:20 am
SnowGhost says...



Tag me when you have any more chapters out






Ok, will do! Thank you for the support!





I have posted the next chapter.



SnowGhost says...


Awesome




May you never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, then lie with me all the nights of your life. And if you must cheat, then please, cheat death.
— An Unknown Bride, Leap Year