You look to the stars in the shining light,
You linger deep in the moon at night,
You fear that,
If you close your eyes,
They will be closed for life.
You stay awake at night,
With a toss and a turn,
Your body at rest but your eyes still weighed open with fear,
You say to yourself,
You will be alright,
Hoping that when night falls again,
Someone with no fear will hold you tight,
As night falls again,
You remember when you looked into the night,
All you saw was the pleasant moonlight,
But now when you look into the night,
You see fear and death,
Allover the dark and deepening sky,
How you wish,
You could sleep with no dread,
How you wish,
You could close your eyes,
And the evil would be gone.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hello friend
I would love to see more of your work.
I guess that i'll be reviewing your poem now, I hope I do it justice.
I enjoyed it quite a bit, even though the topic is clishe doesnt mean nothing new ( or beter ) can be said, and this poem prooves that. I love the phrasing in this poem, it has a certain flow to it that I really appreciate.
Now for the things i don't like/understand about your poem.
I don't understand the rhyme, it's here, and then it's not. Was that intentional? That put me off a little bit.
Also, some more vivid imagery would enhance it tenfold in my opinion. He fears the darkness, this is true, but to him it's not jut the absence of light. It is his tormentor, people tend to personify their fears. ( mine looked like a naked humanoid creature that breathed into my ear when i closed my eyes )
The lines
"You remember when you looked into the night,
All you saw was the pleasant moonlight"
lead me to believe that there was a time when he did not fear the dark, but i'm having trouble understanding them because people usually have this fear as children, and grow out of it as they grow up. ( By that i mean they stop wondering about the misteries of the unknown and cluter their minds with the fear of new foes, like taxes ) So i begin to question if something happened to turn "the pleasant moonlight" evil?
All in all I really enjoyed the poem, and found it easy to relate to, to an extent. Keep up the good work MagicAce.
A review by Siri.
Thank you for the help
Sorry, i posted a comment by accident and now i can't delete it
Hey MagicAce!
Hope you've been enjoying it!
Great start though!
Welcome to YWS.
This is a very nice poem, and I love the ideas behind it, but it could just use a bit of polishing.
First of all, you have a field full of commas! Commas are great, and I personally put too little punctuation in my poetry, but you may want to tone it down a bit. Try reading this out loud and pausing every time you hit a comma. Does it make sense to pause there? If not, then maybe you might want to take it out. Or maybe something else belongs there- like a hyphen, period, or semicolon.
The first line sounds a bit off, and you want to open strong. I might rephrase it into something like this: "You look up to the stars so bright"- I can't really weave high in there, but I don't think it's really necessary. If you want to emphasize the distance of the stars, you could always find some other place to slip that in. The second line might be metaphorical, but the idea of a person lingering in the moon is a bit weird, and if it is a metaphor I don't quite get it. I would suggest something like, "Your gaze lingers on the moon at night".
You might want to say tossing and turning? Just one toss and turn is kind of unfamiliar and it jumps out a little. Also, the tossing and turning contradicts the next line, where you say that the person's body is at rest. It's clearly not! I wouldn't say their mind is at rest either. I'm not sure which way you want to put that. "Your mind is racing / Though your body is at rest, you eyes still weighed open with fear,"? Aside from that, I feel like eyes would be weighed down and closed- maybe you should say wide open with fear instead? And you might want to say "your eyes are still"- that sounds a little better to me at least.
You use "night falls" and "when you look into the night" both twice in really close proximity right here, which makes it rather redundant. For the second "night falls", you could say "but as it does," or something like that- see how it substitutes? You can still tell it's night falling. And you could probably take out the second "when you look into the night" altogether, only keeping "but now".
You might want a space between all and over!
Anyway, you've got some great ideas, you just need to revise and refine them a little.
-Falco
Thank you so much, when I have time will fix the grammatical errors, sorry I was never good at grammar, thank you and have a wonderful day!
Hey there, Kitty here!
I enjoyed reading this poem and I thought it was very relatable. The last few lines were beautiful and I thought they were really great. I also liked lines 4 through 6, I think these are the most relatable to myself. There was a lot of feeling in this poem and I can tell it was created with a lot of passion and imagination.
The only thing I have to say about it is that the beginning of each stanza is capitalized, except for line 10. I wasn't sure if that was intentional or not, it seemed like it might be but you never know.
Another thing that I liked about this poem was how you spoke about first seeing a pleasant moonlight, but now a dark death. I thought it was a creative perspective of the events playing out in the poem. I also liked the repetition of the last few lines when you restated "How you wish", I thought this conveyed the emotion.
Wonderful job! I truly enjoy this poem and I thought that it was very beautiful, as well as touching and thought provoking. I look forward to seeing more from you.
Best of wishes,
Your friend, Kat Kimberly
Thank you for that info
PS HAVE NOT WRITTEN POETRY FOR A WHILE SO I MIGHT BE A BIT BAD AT IT!!
SORRY >< >< >< >< :I :I :I :I
No! It was great!
thanks!