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Nature's beauty

by IrisNight


You’re in the middle of a beautiful blue rose patch,

You feel the flowers in your cold hands,

With a stroke of your left hand,

Then your right,

You feel more and more at peace.

Your blond locks curled around the roses,

Though so rough the thorn doesn’t hurt,

All you can feel is the soft wind blowing past your button nose,

Everything soft and quiet.

You start to sit up and you feel the roses don’t want to let go of your lovely golden hair.

When they do you can feel and see everything around you, the fields covered in roses,

The trees blowing in the luscious wind,

And every time you look up to the clouds with your deep blue eyes.

All you can see,

Is beauty.

The beauty of the light shilling on your face.

Then you stand up,

And your sun yellow dress,

Softly tickling your legs,

You,

Are at peace.


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18 Reviews


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Tue Jan 09, 2018 6:17 am
TJJProductionsGirl wrote a review...



This is a beautiful piece and I can just imagine myself sitting in a large field of roses. This is incredibly descriptive. The poem draws you in and doesn’t let you go until the end, I can't wait for your next one. But I did notice that this I this is in the art section and not te poem, I feel that your poem is a great piece of art una sense that it is writing but to call it art like a picture or something else I feel as if you are saying that this isn’t worthy of being a poem. This should be moved to the poem section if possible. Other than that I loved it and it was two hundred percent worth reading.




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Mon Nov 06, 2017 11:58 pm
noelani2004 says...



This is a very beautiful poem, I like it, but I don't understand why you put it in the art section.:)




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Mon May 08, 2017 3:36 pm
Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here for a review.

I love the imagery you use here along with personification (correct me if I am wrong but it seems like you are describing a doll of some sort stuck in the roses).

The only thing I would recommend is changing "curled" to "curl" because everything else is in present tense except for curled.

That's all I got. Beautiful piece, and keep writing. Legacy.




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Tue Apr 04, 2017 8:04 pm
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RLShaw wrote a review...



Hi, I'm fairly new to reviewing but I thought that I would leave a short review.
Firstly, your piece creates lovely, bright imagery because of the positive, pretty adjectives and the direct address makes the piece have a personal effect on the reader. However, you did change the tense but I don't want to repeat the same feedback that others have already covered. A very pretty piece of writing!




IrisNight says...


thank you!



IrisNight says...


thank you!



RLShaw says...


No problem



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Sun Feb 26, 2017 11:49 pm
skylnn00writes wrote a review...



I think you should end the sentence at "then your right"

Curl, not curled. You switched tenses.

Maybe add a space between the lines "when they do you can feel..." and "the fields covered in roses,"

"And every time you look up..." save the period at the end of that sentence to be after "is beauty." Where it is

"The beauty of the light shilling on your face" did you mean shinning?

"And your sun yellow dress" maybe should be "And your yellow sun dress"

"Softly tickling your legs,

You,

Are at peace."
I feel like this could use a better transition into the end. Maybe one more sentence to signify the ending instead of just awkwardly ending it there.

I'm not a huge fan of poetry, but I do like this poem. It is beautiful and very well written. Keep writing because your emotional connections are very good.

Hope my review helps you :smt001




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Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:28 am
crobbins wrote a review...



Hey, crobbins here for a review!

So first off, I love the idea of this poem! Everyone deserves to image themselves in a place as serene as this every now and then!

Now onto the nit-picks!

"Your blond locks curled around the roses,
Though so rough the thorn doesn’t hurt,"
This excerpt doesn't make sense to me. The hair is rough or the rose is rough? Why would this make it not hurt?

"The beauty of the light shilling on your face." Also, did you mean "shining?" Or perhaps I am not familiar with this word?

"You,
Are at peace."
Although I think this line is good, I don't think the comma is needed here.

This leads to my other criticism, the formatting. The capitalization of every line makes it, (for me), hard to follow all of the new ideas and new sentences. I understand that this is aesthetically pleasing, but it makes it hard to follow at times (like in the last excerpt).

Now, I love the details you provided in this! They help the reader make an image of the place you are describing. This, in my opinion, is necessary for a piece like this- you certainly did this well!

Overall, great job on this! Just a few tweaks and I think this piece will be EVEN MORE amazing! I'd love to read more of your work!

-crobbins




IrisNight says...


Sorry, I did not realize any of this thank you you much and I will try my best to fix thoughs when I have the time



crobbins says...


Great job so far!



IrisNight says...


thanks :)



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Fri Feb 24, 2017 3:53 pm
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Lily708 says...



Hey MagicAce!!!!

Your poem's beautiful...incredibly beautiful!!
Love the way you start with the rose to describe nature's beauty.I might not have any suggestions for you 'cause I'm still an amateur writer.


Your a great writer...Hey,MagicAce it's like you've literally got magic in your hands.
Waiting for your other works too..!...^_^




IrisNight says...


thank you so much! :)



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Tue Feb 21, 2017 10:51 pm
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CrimsonQuill wrote a review...



Hey there, MagicAce!

Crimson here with a review.

First thing that jumps out to me here as I read through is this part:

With a stroke of your left hand,

Then your right,

You feel more and more at peace.

Your blond locks curled around the roses,

Though so rough the thorn doesn’t hurt,

All you can feel is the soft wind blowing past your button nose,
As I read through this part, it seems a little awkward as you reach the line about the rose's thorns. I'm not really sure if it needs to be reworded slightly, or if it would just make more sense if that line came just after the one about stroking the roses with your hands instead of where it is now. Either way, you might want to have a look at that part and see what works best for your style.

All you can feel is the soft wind blowing past your button nose,

Everything soft and quiet.
Here, while it can sometimes work very well, in general you should avoid using the same words too often, both in prose and poetry, and especially in consecutive lines in a poem. You could swap one of them out for 'tranquil' or 'gentle' and retain the meaning, or use another word entirely.

You start to sit up and you feel the roses don’t want to let go of your lovely golden hair.
I love this image. However, you could conjure this with a less word-heavy and less... expositional, I guess (?)... format. For example, see if this fits with your style: 'You start to sit up and you feel the roses clutching at your lovely golden hair.'

It still has that element of 'the roses don't want to let go of your hair', but it doesn't outright tell you that's what's happening. In truth, the speaker here can't tell for certain the roses don't want to let go, so outright stating that is the case is very assumptive. Obviously in this case it's moot because roses are plants, but this can crop up in other ways that you may need to be more careful of in future. :)

And every time you look up to the clouds with your deep blue eyes.

Judging by how the lines continue here, you probably don't want a period here -- use a comma instead.

The beauty of the light shilling on your face.
'shilling' should be 'shining', right?

Then you stand up,

And your sun yellow dress,

Softly tickling your legs,

You,

Are at peace.
Couple things here. It would make more sense if the third line ended the sentence, and it was 'your sun yellow dress, softly tickled your legs.' Additionally, the comma after 'You' is perhaps not the best punctuation here. An ellipsis (...) would work best if you want a pause between the lines.

Overall, it's very pretty and I like the imagery a lot. You do seem to overuse your commas a fair bit, however. Keep in mind that it's 100% okay to have a line break without any punctuation, especially if it's the continuation of a sentence. Generally, you'd only use a comma if you would normally place one there in the sentence as it is written without the line breaks anyway. If it looks funny when you put each stanza on a single line, you may have unnecessary commas or other punctuation. As I mentioned above, you can use other punctuation if you want momentary pauses without ending the sentence -- ellipses and dashes are the most commonly used 'pause' punctuation marks, not including commas.

I'm liking what I see, but even the best of work can still be polished a bit! Keep at it and you'll continue to improve!

Cheers,

Crimson.




IrisNight says...


thank you :) I will fix it when I have time! :I




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