Letters to a Forgotten Home

Dear Reader,

First and foremost, let me thank you for starting this journey with me. I hope you’ll stick with me to the end, but I understand if you choose to leave early. Before continuing there are a few things I’d like to discuss. Personally, I can’t be there for every reading (obviously), so this will serve as my introduction to both myself and this book.

This book will be comprised of five letters to you. The first being this one you’re reading now, three being at the beginning of each section in this book, and a final one that I’m not quite sure what it will say. Each of the three sections between this letter and the final will show some writing in forms of quotes, poems, and what I’ve grown to call shorts. These shorts aren’t exactly short stories because they don’t have normal beginnings, and could be continued upon if chosen.

Now, the next part will be a bit harder. I am a seventeen year old male, almost eighteen actually. By the time we finish this journey, I may very well be eighteen or nineteen. I go to a public high school, and I’m in the band. I’m kind of socially awkward and never know the right thing to say or when to say it. I have only loved - and I mean really loved - one person.

So, with all this being said, I suppose it is time to jump into the first leg of this journey. I wish both of us luck; although, I might need it more than you. Turn the page and begin the fun.

Quotes

Pt. I

Dear Reader,

I hope you forgive me for jumping directly to another letter, but I feel in order to do this justice I must. The first section is comprised of quotes written by yours truly. To me, some aren’t great, but some I’ve wanted to share with the world because I want to believe they’ll help somebody.

Now, all of that is probably biased, but I will not withhold any of what I have written from you because I want you to make the decision of whether they’re good or not. However, that doesn’t mean all of them will make it through the editing process, so I hope you can, yet again, forgive me for that too.

The last thing I want to touch on is that I want you to doodle in the margins of this book. I want you to write your own thoughts down on these pages. I suppose I want you to turn this into a type of journal or diary. Maybe, just maybe, you can share those thoughts with the world one day.

But, alas, as we were always told “don’t make promises you can’t keep.” Instead, I’ll say this: while I can’t promise you anything, I will always try to be there for you. Whether it’s in these pages or it’s right by your side. So, let’s jump right in... let’s rip the bandage off.

Here's a sad truth to life: people throw away those who care sometimes, and we can’t do anything to stop them.

Sometimes, you just have to let go. Let go of the person, let go of the happy memories you so dearly hang onto, let go of every word that went wrong or right, let go of all the broken promises and lies, just let go. After all, it's 'for the best,' right?

We give the person we love the power to destroy us. The power to break us. The power to ruin us.

Our lives are made up of three things: our brains which we use to think, our hearts which we use to feel, and our eyes which we use to see the beauty of the world.

We’re all broken machines waiting for someone to come along and fix us.

Imagine a piece of unbreakable glass between you and the person you love most. Imagine putting your hand up to it, and them putting theirs up, wishing they were really touching you. Imagine knowing the love is there, but never being able to be with them.

For the first time he noticed the light gone from her eyes, and how her smile never reached them anymore.

I was once your forever. I am your once upon a time. And I will be your one that got away.

I’ve stopped trying because when you do nobody expects anything of you. And when nobody expects anything of you, you’ll never have to worry about not being good enough again.

I wanted to say I loved you and hated you. I wanted to say that I wanted to forget you, but could never forget something that was so good. Most of all, I wanted to say goodbye, but I couldn’t. I really couldn’t.

You weren’t a cure for loneliness. You were a poison meant to bring me to my knees.

When you start to fall, I swear I’ll be there for you.

In truth, we don’t need anybody to tear us down because we do it enough to ourselves.

This world is a dark and lonely place, but when I’m with you it feels like a place filled with wonders yet to be discovered.

All you can really feel when you truly love somebody, and then they walk out, leaving you all alone is empty and broken. Like a piece of you is gone, and you’ll never be whole again.

Because in the end, I’m tired of fighting for people that don’t even know I’m fighting.

Her eyes shined with tears as she turned away, letting my hand fall out of hers. It falls to my side, and I stare at her wordlessly. With a single glance back, her eyes filled with sadness, and I see what she’s trying to say. “Goodbye.”

One day we might grow apart. We might take separate paths on this road we call life, but I’ll always remember you. I’ll remember how you were always there for me, and how you could always make me laugh, and how you always entertained me.

If I gave you my hand tonight, would you trust me to lead you to the light?

I’ve been hurt by somebody I loved in the past after I trusted them, but I’m thinking it’s time I start to trust you and let you in.

Tomorrow is a new day, and it’ll bring with it new consequences. But no matter what tomorrow brings, remember I love you.

Take me away.

But like everything else, the moment passed by, and I missed my chance.

I want you to tell me everything will be okay even if it won’t.

You’re supposed to fight for the people you love. Don’t let them slip through your fingers and act like you’re powerless to stop it... because you aren’t.

Call me what you want, but I will always fight for you. Through thick and thin, tooth and nail. Always. Because you’re what matters to me the most. Because I love you.

I’ll give you my heart as long as you promise to stay.

I’ve cared about you since you walked into my life, and I’ll continue to care until I die. Just because you turn your back on me doesn’t mean I won’t care and fight for you.

You were nothing more than a sweet dream, but now I’ve opened my eyes and you’re gone.

I don’t want to be perfect, I just want to be good enough for you.

Maybe some of our stories don’t have a happy ending. Maybe fate has a different role for us.

My heart cries out for you, but you’ve gone away tonight and I’m scared it might always be like this.

So many of us are just wasted potential.

I close my eyes as I pull her closer, swaying to the music. Her chest rises and falls in time with mine as we go. The gym is filled with people around us, swaying to the same song, but in our world, it’s only us.

You’re my whole world, and I won’t ever be ready to lose you. Not now, not ten years from now, not even a hundred years from now. I want you forever and always, and I mean that.

Let’s take a trip inside my head to see how much of a mess you make me.

Falling for you will never be a mistake. An accident, yes, but you will never be a mistake.

I want to hold her in my arms through a night that we’ll remember forever.

Let’s chase those last little bits of sunlight together, and then dance in the moonlight that follows.

Eventually you’ll have to decide whether that person is worth fighting every minute for, or if it’s better to be without them forever.

There are days when all we needs is somebody to make us smile, somebody that’ll make us feel at home. And we wish for that person everyday.

I promise I’ll love you forever. That means I love you today. And I’ll love you tomorrow. And the next day. It doesn’t just stop.

I will never be the person you deserve, but I will try to be the person to make you happy. After all, you’re what means the most to me.

We all want something magical. We wait and wait and wait for it to come knocking on our door, but we never think to go find it ourselves. To take the adventure that’d last a lifetime.

Our goal in life shouldn’t be to be successful, to have a lot of money, or to gracefully slide through unnoticed. Instead it should be to strive to be happy. To strive to be better. To strive to love.

I gave my heart to the wrong person so many times before, but I would do it again a thousand times over because in the end, it lead me to you.

Let me slow dance with you all night long just to have an excuse to be close with you.

One day, somebody will walk into your life. They’ll seem so weird. They won’t seem to fit in. They’ll make you smile and laugh like crazy. They’ll be your light - your better half. And when they walk in, don’t you dare let them walk out. Fight for them.

So often are our hearts and brains at war with each other. We’re asked to do the impossible and pick a side: choose logic or choose emotions. And either way, you lose.

Shield your emotions away from the world and you’ll be alright. They might view you as an ass, but at least you’ll always look like you’re alright. At least then, nobody will know how much you hurt and pity you.

I wanted somebody to love and I got that. But then, just when I think it’s ok, they’re ripped away. Some invisible barrier shows up, making sure that I can’t fall for them.

Don’t forget to pretend it’s all rainbows and sunshine. Don’t forget to have a little hope. Don’t forget to smile in front of others. Don’t forget to be strong. Don’t forget to never break down. Don’t forget…

We’re told humans aren’t perfect, we can’t do anything perfectly. But we wear our masks and wield our knives perfectly, looking for the best opportunity to slip off our mask and stab a ‘friend’ in the back.

We all wish for somebody that is our world. We search endlessly for that person that is our world. We search, albeit, fruitlessly at times. But there are those of us that find those people. And those people make all that searching worth it.

I want to wrap somebody up and know that I’m holding the world in my arms. I want to know that they feel safe and at home in my arms. And I want to know that they’ll love me no matter what.

I gave a part of myself, and that part will always be yours. And that part will always want you no matter what, so maybe that’s what scares me.

You left a friend for a world shrouded in darkness. But just know this, a hand will always be outstretched to pull you back, and open arms will greet your return.

When we’re hurt we lash out, and we say words to people we would never if we weren’t hurt. But the thing is, those words are the ones we swallow down. Those are the ugly thoughts that show our true colors.

We want to believe everything is okay in the world. We really do. But the truth is, nothing is okay in our little fucked up world.

I really wished you told me you never loved me because then it’d be easier to hate you. Then, maybe, I could convince myself you weren’t this beautiful and amazing person I remember.

We promise ourselves and others that we won’t fuck up a second, a third, a fourth time. But we always seem to mess up each chance we’re given, so maybe it’s time to stop making promises we can’t keep.

Sometimes, all you can see are your flaws. They blind your vision, but they aren’t who you are. Look at yourself through my eyes and see the masterpiece you are.

Soon we’ll all be gray and old and all of those foolish or childish dreams will fade away. This dark and cruel world will change us, it will weigh us down. And, ultimately, we’re powerless against it.

Shoving your problems down doesn’t solve them, it only prolongs the inevitable. So, why don’t you just let go instead of letting it eat you alive?

Whether you’re here or there, whether we’re together or not, these few words will always be true: I am always here for you, even when we’re separated by thousands of miles and worlds apart.

We all want to find the one we can love forever, and we hope they feel the same. But we never stop to think that maybe in this cruel world, everybody is so scarred that they can’t possibly love another.

We all try to carry our pain by ourselves, but maybe that isn’t the way to go about things. Maybe it’s time to trust somebody, and share the weight instead of being crushed under it, alone.

I’d say there’s no rhyme or reason as to why I want to protect you from this world, but the truth is that it’s because I love you.

I’ve spent more time thinking and worrying about you than I have ever spent on anything else.

I gave you my heart, but tonight you aren’t returning so I’ll drown my woes in this alcohol.

The hardest decision of your life is deciding to let someone go. But it’s not because you’ll miss them, it’s because you’re deciding their happiness means more to you than your own.

We slap a smile on our faces and pretend we’re okay… nobody has to know the hurt behind our smiles or the glint of pain in our eyes. After all, that’s what society tells us to do, and we follow the rules so obediently.

Sometimes we’re nothing more than monsters hiding behind a human face, searching for that next buzz to forget all these emotions we don’t want.

Clinging to your memory is what causes these late nights, and sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it. But it’s you and it has always been, so yes every damn minute is worth it.

“Not all stories that start with once upon a time have happy endings. Sometimes, you don’t get your forever or your Cinderella or your Prince Charming.”

Live your life one chapter at a time and know your happy ending will come eventually.

At night I still pretend that the wind outside is your soft breath. I pretend that your body is next to mine. I pretend that everything is okay, that we’re still in love. That’s how fucked up I am.

Because, maybe, just maybe, I’m scared. I’m scared of not being good enough. I’m scared of this perfectly crafted facade falling apart. I’m scared that I’m damaged beyond repair. And I’m scared that I’ll never be able to love you like you deserve.

Beauty comes in many forms and you’re one of them.

Someday, people will write stories about us. We’ll be like Snow White and Prince Charming. Fairy tales. People will wish they had a love like ours,” she says sleepily as she cuddles into me, and I wrap her up.

There are so many words I want to say, and I don’t think I’ll ever have enough time to say them all.

Sometimes I picture us under a starlit sky, I picture us dancing the night away, I picture us holding each other tight, and I picture us falling asleep clinging to each other as the sun rises.

I once swore to you I’d love you forever, and I’m just now starting to see the weight of that.

Sometimes words that should mean so much just aren’t enough to heal the pain anymore.

Soon we’ll grow out of this childish phase where we think forever can happen because we’re reminded everyday that it doesn’t.

The worst part is I really believe in forever.

However short lived, it felt like a lifetime in the making.

Erase my mind and open it up to new wonders.

People refer to others as stars because they’re beautiful, they’re the only light in a dark place, or because they’re the best thing in the world. But what they forget is that stars are so often elusive and out of reach.

I think we forget sometimes it’s not the dark we’re scared of but the secrets hidden in it.

We kid ourselves with fantasy lands hidden in our dreams, but, however plausible, those won’t ever come true. And maybe it’s just time we accept it.

Sometime I think to myself: I’d really hate to see you turn your back on me, and I’d be powerless to stop you as you walked away from me.

For a moment we allow ourselves to think our words actually mean something, but in that momentary lapse we’re reminded how little the words we say matter.

What you didn’t understand - and still might not - is that it only takes one person to open your eyes to heartbreak. One selfish, unloving person will show you what it’s like to have your heart destroyed. You don’t understand the world at all, my dear.

The difference between teenage love and a real love isn’t how long the relationship lasts. It’s about all the feelings between the two people, and I think that’s what you discover as you get older.

I don’t think you understand how happy it makes me when I dream about you. It sounds weird, but some part of me thinks you’re here. And I just miss you so much. It’s like we’re together again - dumb teenagers happily in love.

The funny thing is that relationships are just stories. They have beginnings, they have middles, and ultimately they have endings. Some are short and some are long - each is unique. But no matter the length they’re special to someone somewhere.”

A heart isn’t some toy you can just return to the store once it breaks, and it doesn’t deserve to be tossed out and forgotten. If somebody gives you their heart, cherish it like it’s the best gift you’ve ever gotten - because it is the best.

Oh my dear, you might think you know how the world works. You might think you know how heartbreak and loneliness feel, but let me let you in on a little secret. You don’t know a thing - you’ve barely scratched the surface.

Do you know what it’s like to miss everything about someone? I’m not talking about just their voice or the way they look. I mean miss their smile, the way they loved you, the way they laughed, the way they fit against you while you slept - because I do.

I know it hurts. And I know it will hurt for a very long time, but you’ll heal and get stronger. You’ll make it through this, and I’ll make sure of that. Take my hand, trust me, and I’ll help you with every step.

Imagine wanting to be better for somebody, and imagine just trying so hard to deserve them. Imagine you love them wholeheartedly. Now imagine that no matter how hard you tried you were never good enough, and they turned their back and walked away.

Maybe the truth is that we’re all lost. We don’t know what to do or when to do it. We love the wrong people - have our hearts broken. But maybe one day we’ll figure it out. Maybe we’ll make it through this mess - together.

I’ve never seen a good example of how to love somebody, but I promise you, I will try my hardest to love you right because it’s what you deserve. I promise to love you in my unique way with all my heart as long as you want me.

Sometimes I worry that we’re all beyond repair… that nobody can ever pick up the pieces and make us right again. Then I see you, and I know, I know, that it’s possible to be picked up again. So thank you for showing me how to be strong again.

I want you to know… I love you. I love you so much more than you know. I know, some days it might seem like I don’t, but it’s because I don’t know how to show it. I seriously, wholeheartedly love you. And I’m sorry I don’t always show it.

Poems

Pt. 2

Dear reader,

You’ve now finished part one of this three part journey, and I’m sure you’ve made some conclusions. This is the second part of the journey, and I want to welcome you to it. I also want to thank you for staying here with me for this long. I know some of you have wanted to quit or have quit and that’s okay.

Now time to talk about this part. Part two will consist of poems as you might’ve guessed by the page before. These poems aren’t your typical poems you study in English class because my style is a bit different. A lot of times, I will come out and practically say the underlying meaning because I don’t think you should have to beat around the bush to get a meaning from what I write.

This part will probably be the shortest, but as we both know, nobody can ever be sure of the future. So, if I choose to write more poems I will make sure to include them. I will also try to include titles whenever I can, but I won’t be able to all the time.

Lastly, I want to talk about my style of writing. I do not have the formal techniques and such that most have, so these may not even be good in your eyes. Also, most of the poems will use anaphora to help create a basis for them. That style may be boring to some, but I also want you to try and stay through the entire part. I apologize ahead of time if you are bored, but thank you also for staying with me for this long.

-Kirk

P.s. Sometimes I will try to add in a little writing to each poem, but I make no promises. I will try to make them relatable to the poem, and often these will be written on the spot. So, forgive me if they’re terrible and such.

Scars and Love:

Show me the ugly

And the torn pieces of yourself

Show the jagged scars

And the nightmares behind them

Show me your pain

And the tears you hide

Show me all of the wrongs

And then let me show you that the world isn't all that bad of a place

Let me show you that you're beautiful

Let me show you that with or without scars people will love you

Let me take your pain, the ugliness, the jagged scars, and the nightmares

And then turn them into something you'll finally love

-Maybe one day I will be able to show you that you truly are beautiful with or without the scars. Maybe one day you’ll love yourself as much as I do, but until then I’ll love you enough for the two of us.-

I don't understand your pain

I don't understand your problems

I don't understand what you're going through

I don't understand why you hurt

I don't understand what you need

However, I'll be there for you whenever you need me

I'll try to understand the complicated matters of your life

I'll be your crying shoulder when you need it

I'll be there to hide you away from the horrors of the world

Because I swear, I'm here for you.

Forever.

-Maybe I don’t know what you’re going through, and maybe I never will. But, I promise I’ll always be there for you.-

Lay down with me

Lay down with me and tell me your secrets

Show me the person you shield away from the world

Lay down with me and tell me about your pain

And let me heal the wounds others have caused

Lay down with me and finally open up to me

Show me who you really are under the stars

Lay down with me and live like a king and Queen

Let me show you how beautiful the world looks from here

Lay down with me and feel my heartbeat

And as long as it beats I'll be yours.

I’d dedicate every word to youIf I could forget your smileForget how beautiful you areForget your voice Forget how you couldn’t say specificForget the mix of brown and greenForget all those good moments Forget every I love youForget all the things that meant anythingI’d give the world If I could forget you.

-Forgetting is the hardest part.-

Hold My Hand

Hold my hand as we walk down this path together Hold my hand while I laughHold my hand while I cryHold my hand through the pain Hold my hand through the good times tooHold my hand when everyone turns their backWalk hand in hand with me down the aisle Hold my hand in marriage and the rest of my life Because with you by my side I feel invincible And I know I can walk through it all.

One More Minute

We all beg for one more minute -One more minute to ask whyOne more minute to explain ourselves One more minute to be for another chanceOne more minute to trade awayOne more minute to say goodbyeOne more minute to hold the spotlightOne more minute to stay young.Yet in the end these minutes we chip away don't matter.In the end there are those who die too youngThere are those who grow up too fastAnd those who never quite say goodbyeSo stop asking for another second or minute or hour or day. Instead make the time to do it now.

-Time in this world isn’t unlimited… yet we choose to waste away by going through the motions of everyday life, and when the time comes we all want a redo or one more minute to do something… anything extraordinary. Instead kiss that girl today, tell that guy you like him, go skydiving, be extraordinary in your own way. Don’t waste away and do nothing with your life.-

Tonight, listen to my words and let them wash over you Forget about all the scars left by the sharp edges of the wrong words Tonight, feel my touch and know you're safeForget about all the bruises left behind by an angry fist Tonight, let me be your knight in shining armorSo you can forget each blow dealt by anotherTonight, let me guide you into the light Forget about those dark days you'll soon leave behind Tonight, open up to me like you never have Forget all the people who used your secrets as weapons Tonight, let me love you like nobody has Forget about all those who have lied and just as easily left

-We aren’t perfect by any means, but I would try for you. I would try to heal your broken parts… I would try to make you smile everyday. If I could I would finally feel like I have done something extraordinary. So tonight let me save you from the pain… let me teach you others can love you like you deserve. Let me teach you that you deserve all this world has to give.-

Let me show you the intricacies of my mindLet me show you the tall, spiraling glass buildings that keep things hidden Let me show you how I work on the inside

Let me show you how to understand me like no one else does Let me show you those forgotten things that are better left buried Let me show you who I am Let me show you who I want to be and who I'm not And maybe after all of this You'll let me in and love me like I love you

-I am willing to open myself up and show you who I am. I am willing to show you parts of me nobody has anybody seen. Let me show you who I am, and hope like hell you won’t run the other way.-

You are

My fairy tale ending

My happily ever after

My love forever

So tonight

Let me whisk you away

Under a starlit sky

I never said

Goodbye to you

But it’s time

That I say it

I will always

Love you

In this moment

All I want

Is to see you

Happy

In my arms

Maybe One day

You’ll find a home

In his arms or hear heart

Maybe one day

You’ll find a way

To be happy

In his arms or her heart

-There are so many times when we wish the people who we make homes with make us happy, but sometimes they just continually hurt us. We still wait to find happiness with these people though, and we hope that we’ll find happiness.-

Hand in Hand

We’ll walk forever

And don’t doubt

When I say

I’ll never let go

Perfect isn’t some definition written down on paper

Perfect is growing old with someone you love

Perfect is getting to hear “I do”

Perfect is holding your first born child in your arms for the first time

Perfect is seeing them smile

Perfect is in these small moments

You take for granted.

-It’s too often that we take small moments for granted, and really we shouldn’t because our lives are a bunch of good small moments piled into one big moment. We are perfectly imperfect, and we all have that in common. We’re defined by these perfect small moments.-

Dear reader,

This is a special note that I honestly had no idea I was going to do, but I decided to. This is page forty-two (and yes I know, this is page forty-one but I counted the cover). Now, to normal people that may not mean anything, but for nerds like me… we know it’s the answer to life.

So with this answer I want to propose an idea. We all know life is short, and we waste it on many, many occasions. So here is my idea: write down your goals, write down your wishes. I want you to do something with your life, and I don’t want you to wait to do it. Also I have another idea brewing, but I do think that’ll wait till the end of this cluttered mess. That’s it for now.

-Kirk

Whether it’s standing on a street corner

Or laying in bed late at night

Whether it’s just us

Or with the whole world watching

Whether it’s raining

Or the sun is shining

Whether you’re right next to me

Or a million miles away

I will always be here for you.

-People break promises all the time, but I promise you I will always be here for you and I won’t break that promise.-

They say I need to let go

“Let go of her because she causes you pain.”

“Let go of the pain because it’s pointless to fret over.”

“Let the scabs turn to scars instead of picking at them.”

But what happens when I let go?

I lose my motivation to write

I lose my inspiration to everything I write

I lose the reason why I write in the first place.

So I ask you, is it better to hurt and write or not hurt and not write?

Is picking at these scabs pointless?

These are questions that don’t have simple answers

Yet we seek the simple ones instead.

-I thank you for giving these words as a bandaid to cover these scabs. Slowly, they’re healing, and only faint scars are left behind.-

We’re given gifts each day that we take for granted

The gift to love another

The gift to share amazing moments with each other.

-Sometimes you don’t need five hundred words to say what you need to. Sometimes it only takes a few to make someone’s day. Take the time to not take what you’ve been given for granted because it is honestly amazing - this opportunity we’ve been given.-

Today I waited for you

I waited for you to whisper some word

I waited for you to show some recognition

I waited for you to remember me

I waited for you to remember everything I meant to you once upon a time

I waited for you to remember the laughter we shared.

And today you never showed

You never whispered those words I waited for

You never glanced my way

You never showed any sign of remembering

You never even said “I’m sorry.”

And for that, I can’t forgive you.

Not now and not ever.

-Waiting is a curse we’ve all had to deal with. Some have dealt with it longer than others, and for that I am sorry. But here is some advice: stop waiting for a perfect moment or somebody to tell you to start moving… do it on your own.-

I’m sorry

I’m sorry things didn’t work out

I’m sorry that “forever” ended for us

I’m sorry I wasn’t there to hold you

I’m sorry that you dealt with so much without me

I’m sorry for the way I said goodbye

I’m sorry for the things I can’t control

I’m sorry that my words won’t reach you

I’m sorry that I didn’t fight for you that day you said it was over

But most of all -

I’m sorry we fell in love and then so quickly lost it.

-These words will never reach you, and that’s alright because I’ve said all that needs to be said. I’m sorry.-

The Reason Why

You were smart in ways I could never be

You were amazing with kids

You made me laugh… a lot

You made me grin like a fool

You were so beautiful - inside and out -

You were always so hard working

You believed in your dreams

You were always so strong

You are everything I could ever want

And everything I couldn’t be

And that’s why I loved you

I want a love

I want a love that makes me smile from ear to ear

I want a love that makes my stomach do somersaults

I want a love that’s difficult… that’s fun

I want a love that makes people jealous

I want a love that’s a fairy tale waiting to happen

I want a love with you

Forget about me

I want you to forget about me -

A whisper in the wind,

A lost opportunity,

A door closed.

I want you to forget about me -

The feeling of my skin under your fingers,

Every smile I flashed in your direction,

The feeling of my lips pressed against yours.

I want you to forget about me -

To say goodbye tonight.

Shorts

Pt. 3

Dear reader,

At this point I’ve given you almost all of my heart… almost all of me. It feels oddly freeing right now. Anyways, onward we go. I thank you for making it to the third and final part of this journey, but I fear this may be the hardest part on some people.

As you’ve probably noticed, what I call shorts are pretty much prose passages, but I prefer to call mine shorts instead. Why? I don’t really have a reason honestly. But I guess if you want to scribble out the bold printed “Shorts” on the page before and put prose I won’t stop you. It is your book after all.

Now on to content. The next branch of this journey is filled with unstructured and unrevised writing, and honestly some of you all might hate it. Before you go on having anxiety attack let me explain the reasons why. The reasons are simple, but not so simple as “I’m lazy.”

There are two reasons why. First, I wrote them unstructured because I wanted them to be like us - I wanted them to be perfectly imperfect. The second reason is because I’m a little bit of a perfectionist. I learned really quick that if I wrote something, and I didn’t like it I would delete it. So, I don’t revise, and I apologize ahead of time for the imperfections. But I am human too.

Lastly, this part will be the longest part of this book, but it is my favorite part. I thank you again for making it this part. It will have some “quotes,” but imagine a character saying these instead of it being a simple quote. Imagine the argument or begging going on instead of writing it off like it doesn’t matter. Now, let’s get back to the writing shall we?

-Kirk

A Walk in the Cold

I hug her, resting my chin on top of her head. "I'm ready to go," Isabella says, and the corners of my mouth twitch into a smile. "Good to hear that. It took you long enough." I say still hanging onto her. She turns her head to stare at me with a glare and says, "I've been ready you jerk." We both laugh as we pull apart, and I take her hand and lead her to the door. Silence falls between us as we reach the sidewalk. "What're you thinking about?" She says, squeezing my hand lightly. I turn to look at her and stop walking. The moonlight seems to magnify her beauty as snow falls around us. Her blonde hair sprinkled with snowflakes, and her bright blue eyes shining in the light as she stares back. "Nothin' really, just about us," I say. Instead of waiting for a reply, I say, "Come on then, let's get going." I turn back around with a wink, and start heading towards the center of the town. "And they say I'm the dramatic one," she murmurs, but as she says it she grabs my arm and pulls me back towards her. "Ye-," I start, but I don't get the chance to finish. Standing on her tiptoes, Isabella kisses me. Everything around us seems to melt around us as she wraps her arms around my neck. After a couple seconds, we untangle and she blushes. "Yea," she says, "let's get going." She leads, pulling me along the sidewalk while the wind blows snow around us. "It's cold," Isabella complains, and I pull off my jacket to hand it to here. "There you go princess," I say with a sarcastic bow. She punches my arm, and continues walking without me. While I rub where she punched -stinging a bit in the cold- she turns around and winks at me. Ahead of me, I see her slip on a patch of ice on the sidewalk, and watch as she falls to the ground landing with a thud. I let a laugh slip out as she turns and glares at me. I catch up to her and offer my hand with a little chuckle. "You know, I'll always love you," I say pulling her up. For a second she meets my eyes, and must've forgot where she was because she falls again. I start laughing, and this time she buries her face in her hands covering her red face. I walk on by as she glances up to see if I had left. "God, I hate you Dalton." she says embarrassed. I turn around, and see her carefully picking herself off the ground. "Come on, we don't have much more time left, and besides we might freeze to death," I say as she picks her way across the sidewalk to catch up. I shiver as she catches up and leans into me. She playfully punches my arm saying, "I'm ready to get somewhere warm." And with that she grabs my hand, holding it tight as if I might escape. "Will you ever let go?" She asks looking up at me. I return her gaze, and I'm reminded why I love her. The way she always has fun, and the way she makes me laugh are just a few reasons, I remind myself. "Of course not, I'd never think about something like that," I say without an unwavering note in my voice, and pull her into a hug. Her head buried in my chest, her arms around me, and my arms around her. I silently wish that this moment could last forever. No more cold, no more snow, no more questioning glances, just us two. But I let her go, and pull her to the closest shop. Before we enter she says, "I love you." She drops her head, her cheeks glowing red from embarrassment in the cold. I raise her head to look in her eyes and say, "I love you too" before pulling her into the shop.

Scars

The door opens slowly, and I'm greeted by a smile. On the other side, Emma stands in a green hoodie and jeans with her hair falling in ringlets. "One second, I need to put my shoes on," Emma says, her smile not faltering. I turn around and sit on the steps of the porch waiting for her. A few seconds after I sit down Emma joins me, apparently ready to go. With a sigh I pull myself up and offer her my hand. She takes it, and then I pull her up too. Walking arm in arm, Emma pulls me through the deserted streets as I stare at the star filled sky. Without anybody to stare curiously at us, we make good time to the large oak Emma had picked to have a picnic at. A blanket had been laid down earlier at the base of the tree with a wicker basket on top of the blanket. "You really went all out with this," I say with a little laugh, and in return Emma glares at me. But then, the glare softens, and she laughs too. She pulls me to the blanket, and we take our spots on opposite sides of the basket. Emma takes the food out of the basket, distributing it unequally between the two of us. She gave herself more - of course. I stay quiet so we can eat in peace. As we both finish, Emma puts the trash into the basket. We both make some small talk about the weather, about our days, and the stars. "You didn't - by chance - pack pillows did you?" I ask as I yawn. With a smirk, Emma pulls off her hoodie and hands it to me. I take it, but then I notice something I hadn't before. "Emma, what's on your wrist?" Her face flushes, and she quickly hides wrists from my sight. "You don't have to be embarrassed..." I start but she cuts me off. "Yes, I do," she says curtly, apparently wanting to end the conversation. After a few seconds I move to her side and gently nudge her, but she keeps looking away from me and hiding her wrist. "Emma come on, show me," I say quietly. Slowly, Emma shows me her wrists, and I finally see why she had been reluctant to show me. Scars lined them haphazardly. I take one of her wrists and pull it to my mouth. I kiss each scar lightly before doing the same to the other wrist. As I finish Emma finally looks towards me, and I let go of her wrists, afraid she might slap me. Instead, I see her face streaked with tears and her eyes red and puffy. "Emma, you're still as beautiful as the day I met you, this doesn't change a thing," I whisper, pulling her into a hug. We stay like that for what seems like forever before she pulls away, wiping her face. With something between a yelp and laugh, Emma says, "I love you." Caught off guard, I can't find the words to say. Instead, I just lay back on her hoodie, and let her lay on my chest. Before long, we both fall asleep under the stars.

Shooting Star

We lay back in the grass, her head on my chest and my arm around her. Looking up to the stars, we sit in silence just enjoying being with each other. Being alone together for a little bit. The stars twinkle above us as we lie there, and one shoots across the sky. "I think we should make wishes," she giggles against my chest. "Alright, I suppose so..." I draw out the words. I think to myself, considering what to wish for since I had my world in my arms. I finally decide and wish upon the shooting star. "What did you wish for?" I glance down to see Emma looking up at me. "You know, they say if you tell somebody, your wish doesn't come true." I say jokingly. With puppy dog eyes she pleads without words. "Oh fine, I wished for..." I hesitate for a moment. "I wished that this moment would last forever... okay?" I answer, not meeting her gaze. She doesn't immediately, but when she does it's quiet. "I love you, you know?" I'm taken aback, but answer with, "of course." I look down at her and finally say, "lay your head on my chest and listen to my heart beat. And know, with every beat, that it belongs to you." Her cheeks flare up as I finish saying it. Soon she's breathing steadily, and is fast asleep.

The Dance

Unbuckling my seatbelt I sigh, smoothing out my tux. I reach over to the passenger seat to get my bow tie. With a few quick movements it's on. I check to see how I look in my rear view mirror and find myself sighing again. I look like a mess, I think to myself. With that, I throw the door open, and step out onto the gravel. The familiar crunch is welcoming as I pull at the collar, looking up at the beautiful building. A wealthy family had paid to have an old two story horse stable into an extravagant spot to host their parties. Over time they had stopped hosting parties, but it was still used for things like prom. The family had certainly gotten their money's worth, I note as I look at the beautiful building looming in front of me. The white seemed to twist in color as the setting sun shined on it, and the dark green tin sitting on top was a welcomed contrast. I notice that the bay doors had been opened up already, and I turn the ticket over in my palm nervously. At the door, a teacher waits patiently as the students arrive and line up. I get in line, and it moves pretty fast. The teacher gives me a small smile as I hand her my ticket and move past her. "Breathtaking isn't it?" I look beside me to find Katie beside me. I let out a breath, noticing I had been holding my breath. She'd noticed. I nod slightly, not trusting myself to talk yet. "I mean with the polished wooden floors, the four pillars with spiraling ivy and lights. Not to mention the lights strung up, or the glass roof." I find myself smiling as she continues talking. I zone out as she drones on. With an elbow she draws my attention back. "Ow, what was that for?" I ask, scrunching up my face. Pointing a finger accusingly she says, "I believe you were zoning out on me." She drops her finger and asks, "Are you planning on joining me and my date?" I raise an eyebrow. "You're joking right? I wouldn't sit within ten feet of the two of you." I move before she can hit my arm, and her fist passes where I was. I see the corners of her mouth curl into a smile. "Ok, well you're missing out. I'm going to sit, remember to have a little fun tonight. It won't kill you, you know..." she lets the last part die off, turning around. I watch as the simple black dress disappears into a sea of people. I decide to find a place to sit. I walk past the picture line, looking for the stairs. I find them in the back left of the room, spiraling upward. I make it up easily, not meeting anybody on my way. The balcony-like second floor is crowded with tables and chairs. On top of each table sat a simple black tablecloth and a lit white candle in a simple holder. I choose a seat on the same side as the staircase, facing towards the door. The DJ plays pop music as I sit, watching my classmates flood in, dressed immaculately. I lean back in my chair, pulling out my earbuds to plug in. In a few minutes, I'm lost in my own world. My own music blares, covered by the DJ's, and I stare at the building around me. Whoever had designed the inside knew what they were doing. The first floor was covered in polished wood, as Katie had mentioned, and the middle of it was opened, free of any chairs or tables. Under the shadow of the balcony-like second floor are round tables, big enough to fit about eight people, four dates. The tables seem to line up endlessly, but the four pillars that Katie mentioned stand tall, creating something of an invisible fence between the chairs and the dance floor. I notice that the tables downstairs have unlit candles, probably a safety precaution. I watch as people fill the tables around me, and I find myself getting nervous that somebody will join me. So, I make myself look undesirable while continuing to watch others come in. Then, something amazing happens. It is almost like everybody in the room had stopped breathing. A girl walked in, arm in arm with her date, demanding everybody's attention. The girls eyes meet mine, and I feel blood rush to my face, but I find myself unable to look away. Her brown hair falls in ringlets, and her red dress is a surprising contrast to her dates. But even with the contrast, the two seemed to fit perfectly together. I sigh, wondering if she remembered her promise. Thinking back months ago, I remember watching her smile as she brought her grades up under my guidance. I smile, closing my eyes. It's the first day of the second semester again. I sit in the library, waiting for the student I'd be tutoring for the rest of the year. Tessa comes to my table and sits down. At first, I think it's a joke or some type of mistake, but then she starts explaining she needs help with some English work. Instead of turning her away, I look into her coffee brown eyes and agree. I mean why not. She gives me a quick hug, and then sets to getting her binder and pencil out. It's a quick affair, and the memory shifts to the last day. She told me that with my help, she had gotten her English grade high enough to attend prom, and we talked about that for a little bit. I jokingly suggested she should save me a dance as payment. I expected her to laugh it off, but instead she agreed to it. A tap on the shoulder brings me back to reality. I lean up, pulling out an earbud and open my eyes, raising an eyebrow questioningly. To my surprise, I find coffee brown eyes staring into mine. A mischievous grin flashes across Tessa's face as she offers her hand. "May I have this dance?" She asks sweetly, and nervously I give her my hand. I guess she hadn't forgotten the promise. She pulls me down the stairs in a rush, getting to the dance floor quickly. I flush as she pulls me to the center of the floor, everybody staring at the strange kid with the beautiful girl. She instructs me where to put my hands, and soon we're off. The dance was enjoyable, but was soon to ends. I kept apologizing for stepping on her toes, but she assured me it was okay. After the dance I practically run to my spot, avoiding the questioning gazes of my classmates. I sit back down, but my eyes are glued on Tessa. The way she holds herself and moves with the grace of an angel. The beautiful smile that seems to spread across her face. And the way the room seems to light up a little more when she laughs. I look away, and then she disappears from the dance floor. Although it's not too hard to guess where she went because all eyes followed her, and the room went quiet. Within seconds of the room going quiet, the sound of a slap reverberates throughout, and Tessa is storming out of the building. I notice the tears streaming down her face, and while most people are too stunned to do anything, I get up and run after her. I make it through the crowd as they start to talk again. I do stop for a second to see the dumbfounded look on Jake's face before continuing to run. It wasn't hard to find her. I find her leaning against the side of the stable, wiping her face. "Hey," I say quietly, as I approach her. She looks up, and she gives me a small, shaky smile. "Hey," she says in a quivering voice. Instead of saying anything, I walk up and pull her into a hug. She sobs into my shoulder, as we stand there for a few minutes under the stars. After she quits crying, I point out a shooting star and tell her to make a wish. After that, we stand in silence, listening to the soft thump of music from inside. She looks up, and with a hand she traces my jaw line. "You're like a statue, a beautifully carved statue. Like David," she suddenly says. I look down, my eyes meeting hers. "I'm going to do something that I may regret," I say. "But I'm sure it'll be worth it," I finish, leaning down to kiss her. At first, Tessa tenses, but then she relaxes into me. It's an innocent kiss, but to me it means the world.

Untitled Work #1

I walk into the bar, taking a quick look around. To the left, a section of pool tables sit occupied with a few women but mostly with men. I flash a quick grimace and look past them. Against the wall to the far left sits an outdated jukebox. The neon flashing dully as I start towards it. Somebody steps in front of it at the same time, and a friend pulls on the collar of my shirt. He points to the right where a wooden bar sits with stools place unevenly on all three sides. With a sigh, I follow him and the other two to the bar stools. They laugh as I shuffle my feet behind them, and then we all four slide into the tall stools. Tony, Logan, and Wes pull out their wallets preparing to order drinks. I sit still, contemplating what to get. I run a hand through my already messy hair, looking down at what I was wearing. A pair of sneakers, dark ripped jeans, and a Rolling Stones t-shirt. I sigh, as my friends turn to me expectantly. “Just a club soda for me,” I say quietly. The bartender nods, and sets to filling our drinks. It’s a fast process, but my friends manage to throw a few questioning glances my way before they get their drinks. I take a small sip of my club soda, and then I turn around in the stool, my back against the bar. My elbows propped up on the bar. I watch disinterestedly as people dance on the open floor at the back of the bar. Tony and Logan go and throw their arms around two of the girls that look too young to be here, and then lead them to the dance floor. Wes looks over at me, and I meet his gaze. “Go have some fun,” I say, looking back at the pool tables. “You know, it won’t hurt to be a bit bad every once in awhile, superman,” Wes says. I let out a laugh, and he laughs along with me. “That’s the sound I want to hear. Now, go enjoy yourself, and I’m going to do the same,” he says, giving me a hard pat on the back. He takes a quick sip of his drink, and then joins the others on the dance floor. I find myself smiling at them making idiots of themselves. I look back at the jukebox wondering if I should put a little money into it. I decide against it, and turn back towards the bar. I tap on it twice, getting the attention of the bartender. He notices my drink, and quickly refills it. I take a sip, and then turn back towards everybody. Me against the world. I laugh silently at the thought. With a sigh, I dig into my pocket, searching for change. I look towards the jukebox as my hand comes into contact with three cold quarters. That’s when I notice it. A woman walking away from a man. The man is quick to catch her arm, and I hear him begging her to stay with him. He looks unsteady, and he slurs his words as he begs. With a quick sigh, I turn back, ignoring the scene. Although, I find that I can’t sit around and do nothing. I stand, leaving my drink, and head towards the jukebox. I make no noise, and the guy is too drunk to notice I had approached. “Is there a problem?” I ask quietly, touching the woman’s shoulder. She jumps, and at first I’m at a loss of words as her eyes meet mine. She’s beautiful, I think to myself. Her shoulder length brown hair curls at the ends, and her blue eyes seem to draw me in. Her tan looks natural, and I find myself lost, tracing her face in my mind. The guys voice draws me back. In a low growl he says, “It’s none of your business, pal.” I start to agree, but her eyes find mine, pleading with me silently. “Let her go,” I manage as the guy steps into the lighting so I can see him better. He looks like the ex-military type with a crew cut. A scar spans the length of his cheek, and his dark eyes look like they’ve been hardened by time. Definitely ex-military, I think to myself. His shirt is tight-fitted across his chest and biceps. I gulp. The man sways, looking unsteady on his feet. If it came to a fight I’d lose. “Let her go or what?” The low voice made it even more threatening, but I stand tall without flinching. Sensing my defiance, or something else, the man releases the woman. Grunting, he turns towards a pool table. The woman grabs a hold of me, shaking slightly. I lead her outside, and she smiles gratefully. “Thank you,” she says, her voice light and musical. “No problem,” is the only reply I can think of. She stands up on her toes, and then kisses my cheek lightly. Her simple black dress flutters in the wind, and she shivers a little. I take off my jacket and offer it to her. She accepts it, and then turns and starts to walk away. “Wait,” I call after her. My voice seems a little too small to me, but it’s enough to make her stop and turn towards me. Her hair seems to gracefully dance in the wind. Her blue eyes find mine, and for a second I’m frozen. Then I walk to her side. “I can walk you home,” I offer. A smile spreads across her face. Beautiful, I think to myself again. “I’d love that, but I do believe my mom told me never to trust strangers,” she says, laughing a little. “Well, my name is Zach,” I say stretching my hand out. She takes it, and says, “It’s nice to meet you Zach, I’m Emma.” I laugh, and she does too. Emma takes my arm in hers, and starts the walk home. We make small talk while passing under the yellow light of the street lamps. I find myself laughing more and more, and I find myself falling in love with the sound of her laughing. After about twenty minutes, I’d learned that Emma attended the same college I did, and that she loved her classes. I also learned that she was a classical music major. Being with her was so easy. We arrived at her house in what seemed like a couple of minutes. “Well, I guess this is it. See you around,” she says, letting go of my arm, walking up the steps. “I really enjoyed tonight,” I say as she continues up the steps. I turn around, and start to head back towards the bar. “Wait Zach,” I hear a musical voice call. I turn curious, and see Emma standing against the railing of her porch. “I loved tonight. We should go out sometime,” she says, and I see her blushing in the dull glow of the porch light. I smile, probably from ear to ear like a fool, and say, “I would really like that.”

Untitled Work #2

I watch her turn and walk through the door not uttering a word more to me. I hear the door latch as I helplessly search my mind for the words to call her back to me, but in the end I come up with nothing. I let out an exasperated sigh as I turn around. Before I realize what I was doing, I ball my fist up and hit the brick behind me. I feel the crunch of bones in my hand as it connects with the wall. Pain surges through my hand and wrist and travels up my arm. I cringe as I look down to see my bloody knuckle, and see the dark shade of purple my hand was quickly turning. I wince as the pain grows to a throbbing point, but am thankful for the numbing the physical pain had caused. With a deep breath, I cross the room cradling my hand. I open the door with a little difficulty before following the path she probably had taken minutes before. I turn down a few different halls before I reach where I want to be. The infirmary. I quickly reach the door wanting to numb the throbbing in my hand. I no longer welcomed the pain, and thought about what an idiot I was. "Come in," a light hearted voice danced through the door. I am quick to throw open the door and brandish the self-inflicted injury. The nurse was a small, round lady with white hair and rosy cheeks. Almost how you'd expect Mrs. Claus to look like. Glasses sat on top of her head, and she sat them on the bridge of her nose as she turned to look at me. "What is it-" she started, but then her mouth formed an "o" as she saw my injured hand. I held it out expectantly, and she took it in her frail hands, lightly examining it. "It's broken," she confirmed before saying, "the best I can do is give you some ice and wrap it. Maybe some pain killers too, but you know how the teachers are around here." I give a little grunt, not really in the mood to talk. Noticing that, the nurse set to work on wrapping my hand, grabbing three pain killers (although I don't know what kind), and some ice. After she was done, she sent me off to wander the school. It'll be better by the time classes started Monday, she had said after she'd finished. I stalked off, ready to roam the school for a couple hours and clear my head. At least I wasn't in a sling was all I could think. I took different turns at random to explore the school; although, I had no idea where I was. I walked for what seemed like hours but was probably only minutes before turning down a familiar hallway. I notice too late there is already somebody here. Huddled against a wall, with her head between her knees was a girl. I knew the dark curly locks all too well. Aliyah. Quickly, I turned around not wanting to be near her for now, but as I did she called my name. And then, I made the mistake of turning to look at the beautiful face of an angel. Tears streaked that face, distorting the features I loved. I made this beautiful girl cry, I think to myself. She pats the spot next to her as she sobs, and I come to sit next to her. She leans her head over to lay on my shoulder. Instead of pushing her away I let her do it. It felt like home. I wanted nothing more to apologize, but I was at a loss of words and I was too stubborn for that. While she's busy sobbing, I wince quickly, acknowledging the pain starting to build up again. "W-where did we go wrong Jake?" She asks with almost a pleading voice. I wanted to tell her everything I was thinking. About how I was trying to protect her, and the only way I could do that was to push her away. I wanted nothing more than to lean over and kiss her. I wanted to assure her everything was going to be fine. And I wanted to tell her I loved her, and that she was my world. But I also knew the world was a dark cruel place, and the further away from me she was, the less she could be hurt. So instead of doing or saying anything foolish I say, "We never went wrong. Well, not really. You just got boring, and then I dumped you. End of story." I was stone faced and unfeeling as I broke this beautiful girl's heart, but on the inside I was falling to pieces. It is for the best, I chide myself as Aliyah pulled away. As she pulled away, she reached over, and with all of her force slapped me. The sound echoed through the hall as she got up, and ran away. Good, I thought to myself, run far, far away from me. She deserved much better than the destruction that I was going to leave in my wake. I sigh, sitting alone in the hallway. I find myself wanting to chase after her, but I scold myself for that. I remind myself why I let her go, I remind myself that hurting her a little now is better than a lot later. But even after all of that, I sit alone, wondering whether I made the right choice. My mind argues with my heart as I sit there. Finally, I come to a conclusion and stand up. I brush some of the dust off myself, silently cursing the hallway. With that, I take off running. I twist and turn down hallways trying to remember where I'm going. I finally get to the room with a sign by the door. The observatory. In truth, the room on the other side only consistent of a staircase leading to the roof. I shove open the door, and take the wooden steps two at a time as they groan under the sudden weight. I make it to the top pretty fast and slow to a walk. Quietly, I nudge the door at the top open. With a squeak it opens. I find her leaning against the frame of the door, her eyes red and puffy from crying. Tears still fell slowly from her face as she stares at the stars above. "To love from afar is torture," I whisper as the door shuts behind me. I find myself memorizing every detail of her face under the moonlight as she turns to face me. A small, nervous smile quivers on her lips. We sit in silence, as we stare at each other. I'm aware of the small space separating us. Pain prickles in my hand, reminding me of the injury I had forgotten in my haste to her. Ignoring the pain, I find my eyes trailing to her arms crossing her chest. As we stare, I see her slowly tensing at my presences. As my eyes trail back up, I see her eyes looking at the door, but I block the exit. Without being invited to, I take a risk. Two steps and we're face to face. My hands on her hips, I lean down and kiss her lightly. Our lips barely touch, and I fight the urge to push further. But instead, Aliyah gasps and then deepens the kiss, pushing further into me. We stay like that before I pull back, finding myself smiling. "So..." Aliyah says, biting her lip nervously. "I decided you weren't so boring," I say with little assurance. I feel her laugh awkwardly. "I'm sorry. I just thought..." I start, but end up chewing on the inside of my cheek searching for the words. Her eyes look up into mine expectantly. "I thought you were better off without me. I thought you being happy would be enough for me, but I want you to be happy with me." The words tumbling from my mouth. "I'm going to be terrible at this. I'm going to mess up. I'm going to do very stupid things. It's probably going to be sloppy. All I'm asking is for another chance, please." I look her in the eyes as this all spills out. I try to plead with my eyes too. With a small sigh, she reaches up to touch my face. Her hands trail down the side lightly. With another motion, she lets her hand fall. "Okay," she starts and finishes with, "but if you do anything that stupid again I will kill you happily." She says that half jokingly as I pull her into a hug, resting my chin on top of her head. My attention goes back down towards her dried, beautiful eyes. I take her hand and begin to walk back towards the door. I can feel Aliyah’s small hand starting to firmly grip mine with the little strength she had left.

Untitled Work #3

"Don't you dare walk out that door," she starts to scream. "If you do come back, don't you come back..." I hear her trail off, reaching hysterically for more words to call me back to her. "I love you," she says quietly, her voice cracking as she lets out a sob. I take a deep breath taking a step. Then another. "I can't stay here any longer. But I really do love you. Call me what you want, but I will always fight for you. Through thick and thin, tooth and nail because you're what matters the most to me," I say, trying to keep my voice steady. With another deep breath and step I reach the door. I turn around to look at her. Tears stream down her face causing the small amount of makeup to run. Her body shakes a little as she sobs. I flash her a sad smile, a hole forming in my chest as I reach for the doorknob. With a quick turn, I push the door open. Outside, snow falls on the empty street. Without a second thought I take the stairs down the porch. They're slippery, but it doesn't bother me. I pull the hood of my jacket up, and then shove my hands into my jean pockets to retrieve my phone. I send a quick text, my hands shaking in the cold. I shove my hands and my back into my pocket, and then I walk the down the lonely sidewalk. I listened to the rhythmic crunch of the snow under my feet, letting it drown out my thoughts. The streetlight I pass under flickers, and then dies out slowly as I move ahead. About ten minutes after I leave the house, I find the diner I'm looking for. With a slight grimace, I open the door to an uncomfortable heat rushing out. The bell over the door rings as I walk in. I pull off my hood and look at the mirror in the corner. My face is pale, and the only color I find is the red on my nose and cheeks. My blue eyes look cold and emotionless. Empty and dead. "Sit down, we'll be with you in a minute," a waitress says, interrupting my thoughts. I take a seat, waiting. A waiter pauses at my table, handing me a menu. "Hey, my names Jack. What can I get you to drink?" He sounds bored, and I find myself thinking I'd trade him lives in a heartbeat. "Just coffee. Black please," I say quietly. "Okay, I'll give you a moment with the menu. I'll be right back with the coffee," he says, avoiding my eyes. I sit, staring absently at the menu. Within a couple minutes a steaming cup of coffee arrives next to me, but the waiter leaves almost immediately after dropping it off. I stare into the coffee without taking a sip. With a sigh, I finally take a small sip, letting the bitter liquid slide down my throat. I grimace as Jack comes back. "You ready to order?" I look up to see his questioning gaze. "Just get me the Uhm..." I pause, glancing at the menu. "Get me the pancake platter," I say the first things my eyes cross. "Okay, is that all?" I pop my fingers - a nervous habit. "Yea," I say ungratefully. Seconds later I feel myself slip back into absently staring into space. I hear the bell ring as somebody new walks in. I turn to look to see who it is. At first, I think my eyes are playing tricks on me, but her sad smile is too real. The sorrow so clearly written across her face. I feel my heart break a little as her eyes meet mine. For a second, she seems hesitant in her next move, but then she comes my way. I turn around and lower my head playing the scene in my head over and over again. Quietly, Faith slides into the seat opposite of me. We sit there like that for a few minutes in the corner booth of the quiet diner. The only sound comes from the bustle of the workers behind the counter. Finally, Faith breaks the silence saying, “So…” She lets her voice trail off as I look up to meet her gaze. “Did you bring the bus ticket?” I ask, knowing she had, but also knowing she intended to convince me to stay. “Yes but-” she starts but I cut her off saying, “No but’s. This is my choice. It is my choice to leave her Faith. I’m not going to say why, but just know I want to leave.” I run a hand through my already messy a hair as she takes out two greyhound tickets. I raise an eyebrow in question. She slides the tickets to me as my food arrives, choosing to ignore my silent question. With a sigh, I unravel the wrapped knife and fork. I carefully pour the syrup on the pancakes, and then I start to eat. Faith sits silently, absently playing with a lock of her hair. I finish quickly, and then ask for a check. Jack seems all too happy to give me the check. How nice, I think to myself. I stand up, stretching, and then offer Faith my hand to stand. A small brief smile crosses her face as she stands. Without a word, I drop the money for the bill and a tip on the table. We walk out, the bell ringing behind us. Outside, it’s quiet still. Only the occasional car on the icy road, and our feet in the snow make sounds. Faith’s hand is warm in mine, and I relish that warmth as I pull my hood back up.

“I’ll love you more than just tomorrow. Or the day after that. Or the week after that. Or the year… or years. I’ll love you till I take my last breath, and then I’ll love you after that. I’ll love you forever. You are my one and only. TIll the end of days - forever. I will always, always love you. But, I think it’s time to say goodbye for now. I will wait until you’re ready to come back - if you ever are. I will wait because my heart is yours. This is the hardest decision I have ever made. And I want to thank you for all the good times that we’ve had and the ones that we might have in the future. I want you to be happy - full of life. So, I’m setting you free. I love you… goodbye.”

“I want you to know… I love you. I love you so much more than you know. And I know, some days it might seem like I don’t, but it’s because I don’t know how to show it. I seriously, wholeheartedly love you. And I’m sorry I don’t always show it.”

”You need time to grieve,” he says quietly, shaking his head. “I didn’t lose someone. She just said goodbye… I don’t need time to grieve, I just need to get over her, and that’s what this is for,” I say nodding to the bottle in my hand. “Loving somebody and having them walk out on you is still losing them. It doesn’t matter whether you think you need it or not… you need time to grieve lost love,” he explains as I sit down next to him. “It’s been a year, I’m over it - over her,” I say laughing a little. “No you aren’t. It’s the reason why you still drink. So, for tonight, we’ll talk about her. The way she laughed and smiled. The way she made you feel. And how much you love - or loved - her.” He throws an arm around my neck flashing a quick smile. “And if you still miss her… chase her down. Fight for her, and she’ll know how much she means to you. Hell, I’ll even help a little.” We both laugh at his suggestion, but I know he’s right. Silently consenting, I nod my head. I took one last sip of my drink, knowing I was in for a long night.

“At what point do I stop loving you? Because it’s not now… it’s been a year, and I still wake up hoping to see your name on my phone. I still hope to see you running to pick me up and kiss me. I still hope for you… for use,” she says as I pull her into a tight hug. Softly, she sobs into my chest, and I quietly say, “one day it’ll stop hurting. One day you’ll forget I ever existed, and I’ll try to be okay with that. One day, we’ll find people who mean the world to us, and you’ll want to thank me for letting you go… even if you - and I - can’t see it now. One day… one day we’ll be better.” I hug her tighter, kissing the tip of her head gently.

“What am I supposed to do?! I don’t know anymore. I want to pull you into a hug and tell you everything will be alright, but I can’t do that. I can’t tell you that because this world is fucked up. We could be gone tomorrow, and that’s sad but true.”

“Do you know what it feels like to love somebody with every ounce of your being - to love without regards to what that might mean for you - and then have them walk out with only a whispered goodbye?” I take a deep breath watching the emotions on her face change from the usual shielded mask to something that looked like pain. “No, I can’t say I know what that’s like,” she says and winces at her own words. “Well I do. And that whispered goodbye isn’t good enough. I deserved to know why. I deserved something better than goodbye. Was I not good enough? Did I not love you enough? What was it?” I was raising my voice, but at this point I didn’t care. I wanted to know… I deserved to know why. “No… no! You were always good enough… too good for me, and I could never love you like you loved me, so I left. I wanted and needed you to be happy with or without me. And I chose what you couldn’t. I left… I chose your happiness over mine. And if that isn’t good enough for you, I’m sorry.” I watch as she finishes saying that. “Do I look happy? Do you think this is happiness?” I know my questions sting as tears start to fall down her face. “No, I’m sorry. But you will be. Goodbye.”

“You don’t think I remember? I remember so many small, inconsequential things! I remember how you tried flipping a pancake with something rubber while babysitting… and ended up burning it. I remember those late night calls where we fell asleep together. I remember the first time I heard you say ‘I love you.’ I remember that and so much more. I remember a night when your dad was drunk and decided to break dishes. I remember not knowing what to say, and wanting so much to hug you and tell you everything would be okay. I remember wanting nothing more than to hold your hand for the first time… to see that cute dimple. And finally, I remember loving you.” I sign the note “Love, Jack.” I fold it up, pull out my lighter, and set the letter on fire. I watch the paper fold in on itself as it burns. It was my way of saying goodbye.

“Do you love her?” He asks as he gets ready to throw the football. Catch and throw - a mindless activity. He throws and I catch it with ease, sighing. “More than I thought possible,” I reply scowling at him. “Then fight for her. Throw that ball down, turn away from mer, and run to her. Ask her to take you back. Hell, ask her to marry you!” He chuckles as he says the last part. I shake my head. “Oh, come on, what’s that harm? Her saying no? At least then you’ll know you tried, and I promise you, trying and failing is better than never trying at all.” For a second I stare blankly at him, letting his words register. I throw the ball back and say, “damnit, when did you become a philosopher. You’ve gone soft on me.” With that I take off running… hoping for my happily ever after.

“There are so many things left unsaid. There are so many things I wanted - and needed - to tell you, but instead I let you go. I buried everything I felt for you. I… I lost a part of myself so you could be happy. I stopped fighting for you because that’s what you wanted. I’ll regret that for the rest of my life, believe me. I’ll regret not fighting till you were so annoyed you stopped talking to me. I’ll regret saying goodbye when I should’ve been there for you. But most of all, I’ll regret never loving you enough and never being good enough. I am truly, wholeheartedly, sorry for that.”

“You want to know the truth? The goddamn truth is that I’m broken. I am broken so far beyond repair. And I know, I know, I should let you go and say goodbye. But the problem is that you’re the one thing in this world that’s keeping me grounded. You’re picking me up piece by piece. You’re building me into something better. That’s the ugly truth. I don’t just want you. I need you. Forever. I can’t just say goodbye now or ever. Because I love you, and I need you more than I’ve ever needed anyone.”

“No. No… no! I won’t accept that. You have to be okay. You have to. You have to fight this, I can’t lose you. I can’t…” he sobs into her cold shoulder. “Come back to me. I’ll do anything… I won’t ever…” the words die on his lips as tears start to fall. “Please… I love you. I love you. I love you,” he keeps on, almost as if the chant would bring her back. “Don’t leave.” His pleas turn to sobs, and he’s left alone in the world. His heart dying with her.

“I wanted…” I start but trail off. “What did you want?” Her warm brown eyes showed her annoyance. “I wanted you. I wanted forever. I wanted to hold your hand and kiss and laugh with you. I wanted a life with you!” I was nearing hysteria. “It’s not always about what you want…” she starts. I open my mouth to say something, but she cuts me off. “Did you ever stop to think that I wanted that? No? Of course not. Well, I did! I wanted all that and more. But it’s also not all about what I want. Sometimes it’s what we need. And I needed somebody who was here for me. You weren’t. You never were - not when I really needed you. So, yes I wanted, and yes I loved - love - you. But I have to let you go.” She wipes a solitary tear off her face, and turns to leave the room. “Goodbye,” she says in a whisper before disappearing behind the door. I watch stunned. Finally, I let out a sigh, letting her go with it and say, “goodbye, I love you.”

We both lay back on the picnic blanket in the middle of the green field. We hadn’t packed food and we both knew soon we’d have to go back home. I look over to see her staring intently at the gray clouds above. “What’re you thinking about?” I ask. Her lip twitches turning into a half smile. She rolls over, and looks at me with those deep blue eyes. “That’s my secret,” and she laughs as if there was something funny. I stare in awe, and as she stares at me, almost like she was trying to trace every inch of me, I look up. Slowly, rain droplets fall in their own rhythm. She laughs again, and I find myself mesmerized. I turn on my side to face her. “You know they used to believe that rain was a sign of the heavens crying because of a cruel twist of fate,” I whisper almost absentmindedly. Her eyes light up, and she seems to come alive again. “And what do you think the cruel twist of fate is?” I know it’s an innocent question, but it shatters me to a million pieces. “I’m falling in love… with somebody that can never love me back,” I whisper, knowing the cruel fate and her nature. “Oh,” she says simply before facing toward the open sky. Her face loosens up and there’s no trace that she realized what I had said.

“Don’t you understand. It has always been you and it always will be. I love you. I will always love you. A year from now, ten years from now, till I breathe my last breath. Because I don’t want anybody else,” I pause taking a deep breath. “And it’s okay if you don’t feel the same. It’s okay if you don’t love me anymore because I got to experience so much with you. It’s almost like that saying ‘don’t regret the time you lost, be thankful for the time you had.’ If you want to leave me behind, so be it. Just know, I’ll always wait for you because my heart belongs to you.” I turn around after the speech, not bothering to look back at her. I hoped one day she’d come back to me, but for now I was letting her go so she could be happy.”

“Please… just say I’m good enough. Say you love me. Say all those things you need to. Please… I love you,” she says her voice trailing off as tears start to well up in her eyes. “I can’t do it. I can’t say those things. You deserve so much better than me. I want you to be happy, I wanted you to find somebody who love you just as much as them, and I want to be that person so badly, but I can’t.” The words tumble out of me. I turn my back going to walk out, a single tear running down my face. “Why can’t you say it? Why can’t I be enough? You always downplay yourself! You’re amazing, and that’s why I love you. But why am I not good enough for you?” She screams, letting go. I turn back around to see tears streaming down her rosy cheeks, and her green eyes puffy. “You are enough. You’re so much more than enough. So much better. But I’m not. I’m a mess, and I love you. And that scares me. So, take my advice - find somebody who can love you like you need. Because I can’t. I’m sorry,” I say defeated. My heart breaks, and I watch as the light in her eyes disappear.

“You’re the definition of heart-stopping beauty. But it runs so much deeper than your looks. Yes, you look amazing, but you’re so caring and compassionate. You’re everything somebody should strive to be. That’s why I love you.”

“If I… could put what I feel for you into words maybe you wouldn’t turn your back and walk out. Maybe you'd run back into my arms. Maybe… just maybe you would say that word again - goodbye. But for what it’s worth, I did love you. I loved you so damn much. And I wanted to love you forever. I wanted to marry you, and watch our kids fall in love based on our example. I wanted so much… but I guess I wasn’t enough for you. I guess my love wasn’t enough, and you went and said goodbye. And that’ll never be okay. Never.”

Letter to Myself

“The funny thing is,” I say scratching my chin absently. “The funny thing is that I have loved somebody two thousand miles away more than people have loved the people standing right next to them. I have longed to simply hold her hand while others take that for granted. I have wanted so much to pull her into a hug and tell her ‘everything will be okay,’ but I can’t. So many others can do that with someone they love but I can’t. I can’t do anything with her, and in a way that has made me love more. We have fell asleep on a phone call while others waste their nights sleeping on couches or staying the night away from the person they love. In a way we loved more two thousand miles apart than people inches away. But in the end, distance kills all,” I conclude sitting down next to my friend. “We loved more than most experience in a lifetime, yet we couldn’t survive because of distance.” Slowly, I let that sink in… not only for him but for me too. “It’s over, but the next time you love, you’ll do it stronger than anybody else because you know. You know what it’s like to not touch or kiss or sleep with the person you love. You know what it’s like to thousands of miles apart. You won’t take anything for granted like others,” he says offering a half smile.

“Tell me… tell me one thing about me that you know. Come on do it Grace,” I say watching her. Seconds tick by as she stares at me opening her mouth then closing it. “That’s what I thought, you don’t know me at all,” I mutter turning around to walk away. Then she whispers, almost inaudible, “I know that when you were six you had a goldfish named Goldie, but you always refer to it as ‘stupid’ because you’re convinced it committed suicide by jumping out the of the tank. I know that you like ranch on your pizza and ketchup with your eggs, and I know you hate it when your food mixes together. I know that you’re favorite color is either royal blue or lime green, but you can’t ever decide between the tow. I know you have both parents who love you in their own ways, and two brothers who annoy you so much. I know that I love you more than anything in this world. And I know that it would kill me to see you walk away, so this is me asking you to stay. I don’t know what you’ll say, but if you say no just know that I’ll always love you,” she finished confidently. “Okay, I’ll stay,” I say smiling. I pull her into a hug, kissing the top of her head. “I love you too,” I whisper softly into her ear. Slowly, she melts into me… hugging me even tighter.

“Sometimes… sometimes I wonder if I’d be happier if you were dead. I don’t mean that in a cruel way either,” I say watching her face betray her emotions. “Right now, at this very moment you’re living - you’re choosing to say goodbye. You’re leaving me alone in this world. But if you were dead I could blame some higher power… I could do everything but blame you. You’d be ripped from my hands, but I would know you didn’t choose that. That’s why I wonder. It’d probably hurt less.” She stares at me stunned as I pick my hand up off her leg. I stand and stretch watching as the sun sets over the pond. “So this is goodbye?” Her question seems funny because “goodbye means forever,” as she once told me. “Yea, this is goodbye. I’ll love you till I die, and you can take my heart with you to the grave too. I don’t care.” With that I turn and walk away. I leave her sitting alone on the solitary bench in the clearing by the pond.

“I want you ro be happy,” I say quietly as she turns away. “No, no you don’t. You want me as I am here - lonely. But what happens when happy means me loving and lying next to someone else? What happens when you aren’t my happy ending,” she asks in a whisper. I open my mouth but close it because I can’t find the words to say. “That’s what I thought. You don’t know what it means to love someone so much it hurts you… so much you would let them choose somebody else over you. To love someone enough to let them go and be happy without you.” She wipes her eyes after she finishes with what she had to say. “YOu’re wrong. If it meant you being happy enough to smile and light up the room, then I would gladly let you go. If lying next to someone new makes you happy, then go do that. Don’t think for a second I don’t what if feels like to love without regards to myself because I do. I love you enough to let you turn around and walk out. I love you enough to let you go…” I let my words die off. “Oh.” That’s the last thing she says before turning and walking away.

“Are you fine,” Brooke asks, rubbing my arms. I brush her off and stand up. Looking at her, I take a deep breath. “No, no I’m not fine. And you know why? Because you are. You’re fine, you’re beautiful, I love you, and you’re here. Right in front of me, actings as if nothing happened! Something did happen… you left. And now you're back, and I still love you - but I don’t want to. So many times I wanted to ask one of our friends if you were fine because you sure as hell weren’t going to tell me. That… that is what hurts. And now I’m in love with you still, and you’re just… you’re fine. I don’t know if you love me, and truly, I don’t care because it won’t change how I feel about you. That’s what’s wrong with me. That’s why I’m not fine. So, no. No, I’m definitely not fine, and it’s your fault. So get the hell out of me room. I love you, but this is goodbye. This is the last time I let you hurt me.” I turn towards the wall because I don’t want to see her cry or leave again. She raises slowly, and then I hear the door open and then slam close. She didn’t utter a single goodbye.

“I keep hoping that if I keep on ripping the scab off eventually it’ll heal back whole, without leaving a scar. I hope to God everyday that today is the day I forget you - the day I can finally close my eyes and not see you. I hope it’s the day I don’t love you with every ounce of my being. I hope that when I see you passing in the halls I don’t want to run and sweep you off your feet - try to make you love me again. But everyday it’s the same thing. You’re the first thing I think about, the last thing I think about. Everytime I close my eyes, I see you. And it takes all I have not to fall apart every single damn day,” I say sliding down the wall I was leaning against, letting the tears fall. She comes over and pulls me in. I quietly sob into her shoulder. “It’s okay. You’ll stop hurting someday - you’ll stop loving me someday. It might not be today or tomorrow, but it will happen eventually,” she says as I raise my head. With a single soft kiss, she give me a smile filled with sorrow, and turns and leaves. I lean back against the wall and whisper, “goodbye,” as she continues to walk away - out of my life.

I unlock my phone, pulling up my keypad. I know the number better than my own, but after a few minutes of staring at the keypad I lock it back. Pacing back and forth I finally decide. Slowly, I place my thumb over the home button waiting for it to register my fingerprint. Scrolling to my contact list, I click on the keypad, and then I dial the number. I lift the phone to my ear, and listen as the beeps go through. What feels like an eternity passes until I hear her voice. Well, it wasn’t her, but it was enough to bring a smile to my face. “Hey, this is Alison, leave a message and I’ll try to get back to you,” she says before the beep. For a second I’m silent trying to pick my words carefully. “Hey Alison, it’s me John. Though you probably know that already,” I say chuckling awkward a little before continuing. “I just wanted to know how you are doing… I’m thinking about you for the billionth time today and yea. Anyways, I’m sorry I called. Hanging up now. Bye Alison,” I say trying to cover up my awkwardness. I knew I had blew it, and I’d probably regret not telling her I love her one last time.

“What more do I have to do to prove to you that I love you? You are my first thought every morning, and the last thing I think about when I fall asleep. I hope… I really hope one day I’ll wake up next to you smiling,” I say pulling her into a tight hug. Gently, I kiss her forehead as she starts to cry into my shoulder. “I will always be here for you. Not a day will go by when I’m not by your side. You’re my everything - my world. I love you April,” I whisper into her ear.

“How do you know?” She asked, finally raising her head up… her eyes meeting mine. “Because every single day you’re on my mind. Not a minute goes by where you aren’t lurking in my head. Every single night you’re what I’m thinking about as I go to sleep, and every morning I roll over to see if you’ve messaged because you’re the person I want to wake up to. Because I care about you more than I care about myself sometimes. Because I want you to be happy even if that means leaving me. That’s how I know. Because that’s what love it.” I take a deep breath afterwards, realizing a weight had been lifted after all that spilled out.

I Know What it’s Like

“Do you know what an empty heart feels like? It’s not just a broken heart - no a broken heart can be taught to love again. An empty heart has known love, and has known what it’s like to lose somebody it loves. It’s scared to love again for fear of losing that person. So, I’ll ask again, do you know what an empty feels like? Do you know what it’s like to have the world in your arms one day, and then have it ripped away the next? No? Well I do.”

Love

“You know…” I start to muse and then scratch my chin absentmindedly. “I don’t think you ever loved me. Because, at least in my experience, when you love - and I mean love so much it hurts to be apart - then it’s impossible to say goodbye. You will always fight for tomorrow… for a better life with them. You’ll hope for the best because otherwise you’d be lost and lonely because nobody else can complete you. That’s why I don’t think you ever loved me,” I finish.

I sigh, pulling my chair closer to the desk. Staring down at the blank paper, I reach over and grab a pencil from the cup I have sitting on the desk. I think for a second and then write:

Dear, Ash

There’s probably a million words you’re expecting me to write in this letter, and a million more that I want to say but don’t have the space. Day in and day out I think about you… a lot. Honestly, it makes me happy to remember the times we laughed together, and it kills me to know that you’re probably lying next to someone as you read these words… my confession in a way. I want to be your everything, I want to be the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, I want to be anything you need. I know I’m too late, and I know that I should’ve said all this sooner. I’m sorry for being too late… I’m sorry for still loving you after all this time. But, I still want everything I said, so I’m writing for another chance.

I finish the letter with “Love, Alex.” I put the pencil down on top of the letter and rub my eyes. Switching off the desk lamp, I push the chair away from the desk, heading for bed.

“Do you know that moment at the top of the roller coaster right after you start to fall… the moment where you feel completely weightless and free? That’s what I feel like when I’m with you. I feel amazing… weightless and free. I can be myself. I can stumble and fall, and I know without fail you’ll be there to pick me up. I know that when I fall over the edge of the hill on the roller coaster you will always be there. Even right now, we’re both laughing and I’m tripping over words, but even in this small moment I know there’s nobody I’d rather be with. So, Emily, will you spend the rest of your life with me so we can have small moments like this, and I can always feel weightless and free?” I get on one knee as I see tears start to fall. “Yes… yes a million times over. I love you Jake,” she says as I slide the ring on her finger. We both smile as I stand and pull her into a hug. Without saying a word, we pull apart a little to kiss.

Dear reader,

This marks the end of our journey together, and I hope that you’ve enjoyed it as much as I have. I hope that you’ll never experience what it’s like to have your heartbroken, and I hope that even if you do, that you find somebody so much better. I hope you find a way to live this mess we call life.

In the end, we’re all humans… we make mistakes, we break things, and sometimes we get broken. It’s the way life is… we just have to learn to heal from whatever things we do wrong, and focus on all the right things we do. And if you’re feeling lost, I hope you can find yourself in these words.

Now my goal was to use all of this writing to try and break the stereotype that guys do not feel anything when they break up with their significant other. I also wanted to show people with scars that people can and will find you beautiful in spite of those scars, physical or emotional. There are so many things I’d like to keep talking about, but alas, I will never have time to write it all. So lastly, I wanted to show that with a little effort you can do anything in this world.

So, put your mind to work, put your body to work, do something to brighten this world. In the words of John Steinbeck, “try so to live that our death brings no pleasure to the world.”

-Kirk

“tempus vincit omnia.”

P.s. Before I leave you, I want to explain the title a little bit. The reason it is titled Letters to a Forgotten Home is because we often make the people we love our home in a way. They’re our safe place… a place we can truly be ourselves, so that is why this book is titled what it is. These are my letters to my forgotten home. Each quote, each poem, and each short is a letter to a long forgotten someone.