Cinder was a beautiful girl. With hair wild and untamed like fire and eyes like thick gray smoke. Her mother had died when she was young and currently resided with her step mother and sisters. Her father was gone, traveling the world as a jazz musician. When he was gone, which was most of the time, her step mother and sisters made her do all of the work. She cleaned the huge house and managed the garden that her step mother had wanted her to plant. She dusted, vacuumed, mopped, tidied, scrub, washed and anything filthy job her step mother and sisters could think of to occupy and upset her.
Cinder was like her father in the sense of loving to listen and play music. Cinder had started playing piano when she was three, guitar at five and now she knew how to play every instrument in the house and loved to learn anything she could get her hands on.
In the small town they lived in, there was an annual music festival. People came from all over the world to perform there and all over the town to enter the contest. Cinder had wanted nothing more than to enter the contest to perform and win a guitar with pearls imbedded into the neck and around the sound hole. That was what the prize was this year and Cinder would do anything to get it. She wrote a beautiful song, and practiced every day after that for the festival. She sewed a dress for herself out of one of her step-sister's old dresses and purchased a pair of shoes at the thrift store that she painted and touched up to look presentable. She even used the pearls of her step mother's necklace that had broken and thrown in the garbage to make a new pair of earrings, bracelet and necklace.
"Cinder!" Gwen, Cinder's step sister barked, "Put my shoes on! Tie 'em tight!"
Gwen was an ugly girl with an upturned nose, blonde hair, squinty eyes and a round figure.
"Yes, Gwen." Cinder said, and put the girls boots on, lacing them tight.
"Oww!" Gwen cried, "Too tight!"
"Sorry, Gwen." Cinder apologized and loosened them,
"Too loose!" Gwen snapped, "How many times are you going to lace them you stupid girl? Hurry up!"
Cinder got them right the next time, she barely stood when Gilda, the older of the two barked her own orders.
"Button my dress!" she said, "Put on my shoes, braid my hair, put my shawl over my shoulder! Be quick about it!"
Gilda was thinner than Gwen but not any prettier. She had had dirty blonde hair and squinty eyes like her sister. She was very tall and quite round too. The main difference between the two were height and their noses- Gwen's was upturned and Gilda's was hooked.
Cinder finally escaped the commands of her sisters and hurried upstairs to get ready herself. She hiked up her skirt and ran as fast as she could. She ran up three flights of stairs to the attic, where her room was. Cinder tore off her clothes and washed herself with a washcloth quickly. She dried and brushed her hair, braided it down her back and rolled it into a bun. She stepped into her shoes and pulled on her dress- which she was quite proud of. She dashed downstairs and out the backyard to the garden. She picked a flower and put it in her hair before she ran to the music room and placed her guitar in the case and walked briskly to the front door where her step sisters and mother were about to walk out of. Cinder's step mother was as thin as a twig and as mean as a snake. She had brown hair streaked with gray, eyes that narrowed, and a nose that hooked.
"There you are Cinder-" She stopped and looked at her step-daughter, "Why are you all dressed up?"
"Well, I'm ready to go." Cinder replied,
"And just where do you think you're going?" she asked with a raised eyebrow,
"Yeah, where do you think you're going?" Gwen stuck her hands on her hips,
"To... To the festival of course." Cinder replied,
"Ah, Cinder, there is too much work for you to go. I doubt you'll finish it all before it ends." Cinder's step mother said while fishing out a list.
"Here you are." She handed the long list to Cinder. Cinder set down her guitar case in defeat. She reached for the list but Gilda grabbed her hand and pulled her toward her. She lifted CInder's wrist to her face and studied the bracelet,
"Mother!" she gasped in horror, grasping my bracelet, "This is yours!"
Gwen gasped too, she grabbed at my necklace.
"She stole them from you!"
Her step mother held out her hand and Cinder regretfully placed the earrings in her hand. Gwen and Gilda ripped her bracelet and necklace off of her, pearls scattering all over the wood floor with a clatter.
"That is my dress!" Gwen screamed ripping at the fabric,
"You didn't want it! You threw it out!" Cinder yelled after her as I ran away to my room.
"You will not be going to the festival Cinder!" Cinder's step mother screamed rather like a raven would crow. "Get those chore done before we come home or there will be consequences!"
With that, Cinder heard their high-heels on the wood and the door slam shut. She slumped her shoulders, wiped her tears away and trudged downstairs where the list lay on the floor. Cinder picked it up and read it almost feeling the tiredness from all of the work.
Cinder started with the floor. She vacuumed and mopped the hours away. Cinder finished in the music room and decided to dust the pianos. She was dusting a shiny black grand piano when She saw her sorry reflection. Dress torn, hair undone- this of course, brought tears to her smokey eyes. When the tears stopped and her vision cleared she saw not only her, but a round woman... in a funny outfit of many colors. Her wings- yes, she had wings- were huge and round like a butterfly's.
"What is wrong dear?" the reflections asked in a sweet voice, Cinder turned around shocked.
"Who are you?" Cinder asked,
"Your fairy godmother, dear." The old woman explained, "Now tell me what is wrong, I can help you."
"I want to go to the festival and perform. I have nothing to wear and no way to get there." Cinder sniffed, "And my Step Mother told me I had to do chores before I went. She gave me a list. There is no way I'll get them done before they return... much less in time for me to go."
"Nothing to wear?" the fairy godmother laughed, "Dear, have you checked your dresser?"
"Well, yes, I have. There isn't anything to wear..." Cinder said confused,
"Why don't you go check again." She smiled,
"I have to get work done, It isn't even close to being done..."
"Not done?" She asked, she looked around, "It looks done to me."
Every speck of dust, grim, dirt or misplaced item was gone.
"What...?" Cinder gaped,
"Go get ready!" she said, "You don't want to be late for your performance! You'll find your guitar by the door, your clothes in your dresser and a car waiting in your driveway! Quick now!"
Cinder dashed upstairs and found a sky blue dress and silver slip ons in her dresser. She slipped on the dress and stepped into her shoes. She tied up her hair in a bun once again and rushed downstairs. She put a flower in her hair and found the fairy godmother waiting holding out the guitar case. It was different... perfect.. not a scratch or a dent.
"This isn't my guitar." Cinder said,
"I know." she said, "Now, before you go I must tell you; everything I have given you will disappear at midnight. You must be home before then."
"Thank you so much!" Cinder hugged the woman,
"You are very welcome Cinder. You deserve it." With a smile and a strange gesture, the woman disappeared into thin air. A horn sounded outside, and a cab was waiting.
"Are you Miss Cinder?" asked the driver,
"Yes, I am!" Cinder said,
"I'm here to take you to the festival." he said, helping her put the guitar in the trunk of the car and closing the door after she got in.
The cab lurched out of the driveway and made it quickly to the festival- there was no traffic because everyone was already there. He helped Cinder out of the car and got her guitar for her. She thanked him and turned to the crowd. She made her way to the stage and approached the man at the stairs.
"Cinder!" he scolded, "You almost missed your set! You're on stage after this man!" he pointed to the stage and there was a man playing the piano.
"I'm sorry." She said and went passed him and waited for her turn to go on stage. The man exited and said;
"Good luck!" as he passed,
Cinder thanked him and took the guitar out of the case. It was beautiful. She was glad to find it tuned. She walked on stage to the microphone. The crowd welcomed her with applause as she plugged in her guitar. She took a deep breath as she gazed over the vast crowd of people, all waiting to see what she would do. Cinder plucked each string- relieved at the fact that was already tuned. Cinder lifted her lips to the microphone and positioned her pick to strum. She took another deep breath in and gave it all she had. She sang and played with all her heart.
Fifteen minutes later, she ended with her last song- the grand finale. The crowd roared even louder than before and she beamed back at them, thanking them for listening. She exited the stage and placed her guitar back in the case. Cinder set it with the other instruments behind the stage for safekeeping and rushed into the crowd.
The music blared through the night. Everyone sang with the songs they knew and danced to all of them. The crowd quickly turned into more of a dance floor than a place to stand and watch the musicians play. Cinder found a dance partner- a very handsome one- and danced the night away. She later learned his name was Elias, a fiddler and a pianist. He had performed earlier that night, before Cinder had arrived. Cinder was still dancing when she heard someone say it was 11:30. Cinder looked at Elias’s watch seeing it was actually 11:45. She rushed through goodbyes, fetched her guitar and ran to the street- losing her shoe on the way. By the time she’d gotten to the street her dress had already changed into her ripped up, up-cycled dress. She walked home and slept wondering who had won the contest and how lucky they were.
The next day, Cinder awoke before the sun- as always- exhausted from the night before. She worked the day away as usual. When noon came around, she checked the mail and found only throw-away catalogs and bills. She heard a rumble of a car engine. Turning to see who it was she cried with delight. It was her father. He had been gone for a few months now.
“Father!” she ran to him and embraced him,
“Cinder!” he said, “My girl!”
“I’m so glad your home!” Cinder said to him, stepping back once. He had a smile on his face... one that meant he knew something she didn’t.
“What is it?” she asked,
“I stopped by the coffee shop to say hello to Elaine-” Elaine is the woman who pulled the festival together each year “-And she told me you entered the contest.”
“I did.” She said, “Without permission though...”
“That doesn’t matter!” he said, “Because you won!”
“I did?” Cinder squealed, most excited.
“She also said you weren’t there to claim the prize!”
“I left early...” Cinder said,
“Which is what I don’t understand.” he fished something out of his deep coat pocket. It was a shoe... a silver slip on shoe!
Cinder’s father went on to explain that Elaine’s son (Elias) had given it to him to give to Cinder. As they walked inside, Father told her that Elias seemed pretty fond of her. Cinder laughed and blushed at his comment.
As the story goes, Cinder traveled the world with her father and played music with him on stage numerous times throughout her travels. She loved the job but felt homesick- for Elias. She quit her travels to stay in her hometown and be close to the one she loved most. Two years after Cinder settled down in her hometown, Elias proposed to Cinder who gladly excepted. They had two beautiful children and of course lived
happily
ever
after.
Hi, IngridClayre.
I am GeeLyria, and I'm going to review your short story.
I noticed Elinor pretty much covered it all. This is not bad at all (much better than my writing at age 14 xD). If anything, you have the potential to become a great writer.
However, there's still a little suggestion left for me to mention. To make your piece more vivid, and give it that yummy spice of professionalism, I would like you to write more descriptions in between the dialogues. By that I mean, that it would be nice and very appreciated if you could mention how is the place where the characters are, what's happening around them, what they are thinking, what they're feeling---stuff like that, while they talk.
Why is this important? Because plain dialogue with many "he said" and "she said" may bore the reader. It gives the impression that you're stalking someone's conversation instead of reading a story. And we don't want that.
Overall, it's good, but it could be better! And I know you can make it. Keep working on it. :]
~GeeLyria
Thanks for the review!
Thanks for the review!
Thanks for the review!
Hi,
So, I'm a big Disney freak and rewrites of fairytales are always fun for me to read. Cinderella is one of my favorite Disney movies (if you can't tell from my avatar), and for some reason, it seems to be the one that people rewrite the most. I suppose that's because it's such a simple story, and therefore easy to play around with the different elements as long as you have the core elements.
That being said, this story didn't interest me. It's well-written, but it didn't feel original or seamless enough for me to really be engaged. The modern setting feels forced, but I do like the idea of a music contest- it's something that really hasn't been seen before. Here are a few thoughts I had while I was reading this:
- Change the first paragraph. When you start stories, you have to have an engaging hook that gets the reader invested in the story. Describing your heroine's appearance often isn't the best way to do this. Something about the music competition or how she missed her father would be a lot more effective.
- In a fair number of places, your dialogue is punctuated incorrectly. A line of dialogue does not make a complete sentence if you're going to tag "he said" or "she said" after it. For example:
"That was the best doughnut I ever had." said Bob.
Would be incorrect. The correct punctuation would be "That was the best doughnut I have ever had," said Bob. You would only have a period before the closing dialogue tag if Bob were to say something else (ie. "That was the best doughnut I ever had," said Bob. "Chocolate is my favorite.") or if you weren't going to include the tag at all. (That was the best doughnut I ever had).
- Other than that, I'm going to challenge you to think about what I said earlier. If you want to make this a story worth reading, in what way can you make it original? Cinderella retellings have been done many times before. What will make yours stand out from the countless others?
I hope this helps. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about this review or the site in general - I see you're new, so welcome!
Thanks for the review! I will definitely think about what you said in my new fairytale rewrites (I'm planning out a Snow White and Red Riding Hood too).
I'm only going to review the first paragraph, as I don't have much time, but hopefully you'll find my criticism enlightening.
This seems a bit hazy to me *boom da tish* No, but seriously. What do you mean by smoke? Do you mean, "with hair that shimmered the colour of fire and smouldering eyes"? Also, sentence fragment.
Mmm-mmm, lovely smell of putrefied flesh wafting from the kitchen! Ensure you read over your work; you've said that her mother died but still lived with them.
This is really unimaginative. If you want to write a unique spin on an old tale, try and change it up a bit.
This sentence is all over the place/doesn't flow that well.
:/ This line is pretty boring and mundane. What's different about this story? What about this paragraph is urging the reader to continue? You need to pack a lot more punch into the first few lines of a new story, something that will make the reader read on.
Good luck with future projects
- jhoi
I'll edit the first line. You are very right! Usually I feel I go too in depth in what the character looks like so I was trying to tone down the 'flowery-ness' of my usual character description.
I have no other excuse but not being the editor sort and hating to read through writing unless it was printed up which takes to long. Basically, I was too lazy to read through it.
Thank you for your review and criticism!