Published September 14, 2013
I won't say you're beautiful,
I've concluded that you're beyond it.
However I will say your chromosomes
have combined beautifully together.
You are the natural selection of my heart,
we are 1 cell divided into 2, we are mitosis.
Your eyes send tangents to my heart,
every second our eyes meet.
I could describe the cones and rods behind your eyes,
while I longingly look into them.
I know every single nerve ending,
in your lips when we kiss.
Every detail in the ventricles of the heart,
that I so gladly gave to you.
We are a covalent bond that cannot be broken.
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137,782 Literary Works • 672,066 Reviews
This is pretty cool!
Knight Malachi here to review.Boy is Review Day stressful! Whew!
So that in a way a super-duper cool way to write this with all the different scientific stuff. Not something I've seen before, so you'v got that on your side. and I saw no punctuation errors.
But I have to say that this doesn't sound like something very romantic, to me. I think if I said that I would sound so silly. I don't, maybe you feel differently, but I didn't like it too much.
Keep it up!
Happy Review Day!!!!
Thank you, I don't like romance much either Lol.
I really liked it! It was very refreshing; different from a lot of the love poem and such that you read on this site. It was interesting to read!
I'll have to say, we're studying DNA and mitosis in school right now, so when you mentioned the sciency stuff It caught my attention. Science may not be my favorite (or best) subject, but I could understand it easily!
It's nice how you used the science references, but didn't overload the poem with them so that basically educated people could understand it with ease!
Happy Review Day! yubbies21
Thank you!
Hey InfinityAndBeyond,
I really like your poem! It makes me especially happy that I understood all your references--they are so well-placed and you fit them perfectly into the stanzas, bravo!
But then, I think sometime you try a little bit too hard to just fit those phrases in because you have to, but it shouldn't be a problem. I love it!
Thank you! Well the science phrases have to be in there for my science work :L
Hello! It's the wonder pus Wonder, here to attempt a review!!
Very interesting! It's cool how you managed to mix together romance and science, which is a feat I am most certainly unable to do. All my poems are depressing. XD Wait, no, I lied. I do have a few happy/love poems...
Anywho, the one thing I was thrown off was the flow. But then again, I'm not too good with more abstract poems...I write all of mine so that they rhyme. But that's just me and I'm a weirdo. ;D
And I especially like the fact that I was actually able to understand all the science language. My 8 year old sister read it and she was all like, "Gibberish?" And I laughed and I replied, "Nope, it's science stuff. You'll learn it in 7th grade biology."
~ Winder <3
Thanks! I didn't want to go all technical overboard on the science so I'm glad it was understandable
You're welcome ^^
Where it says, "Hello! It's the wonder pus Wonder, here to attempt a review!! " I actually meant "the wondrous Wonder", not "wonder pus Wonder."
oh right haha :L
oh right haha :L
I must say that when I read the title, I read it and had a major face-palm moment, thinking you meant something negative about science. I now realize my mistake and shall promptly expel my stupidity to the corner for the remainder of this review.
Now, I'm not a huge fan of the flow, but you totally broke from all logic with the last stanza when you just went "Teach you..." Where's the subject? What's going on? This doesn't fit the pattern you established earlier, and I don't even know where the focus went. At least earlier I had an idea. So I'd suggest you adhere to logic in a poem designed to laud science. Especially since it's only the beginning of the third stanza that really wrecks it.
Hope this helps!
Thanks! This is a work in progress and romance obviously isn't my thing. By the title, I meant for science to be like a significant other.
yes, I got that. I was just being a stupid dwarf right then. My favorite poem on science is Edgar Allen Poe's Sonnet-To Science, if that gives you any clue of why I thought that about yours. [and PS just as romance isn't your thing, so poetry really isn't mine. The best I can do is flow, punctuation, and word choice.]
Ah right, I've read that poem before. Well, I'm not really sure on this piece in general not my best or forte, might just delete it.
I wouldn't necessarily recommend deleting it; I was just saying that my more pessimistic/antagonistic outlook on science when mixed with art predisposed me to see this as an antagonism against science, and not an endorsement. Please don't mistake that for advice that you remove such writing.
oh it's not your review, it was very helpful. It was my initial opinion to start with, I'll see other feedback on it then decide.