Please don't tell me what to do,
What to say,
Where to go,
Or which way
I understand the circumstances are a little dim,
However, your reactions have resulted in my grim,
I realise that, while the lies were stewing in the air,
There was so much before my eyes that simply wasn't fair
Please don't tell me who I am,
Who he is,
What we are, or
Damn our bliss
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140,216 Literary Works • 673,044 Reviews
I am so thankful for this. Oh my goodness. You have no idea how relatable this is. My brother-in-law always tries to tell me what to do and judging me for stupid stuff. I hate it so much.
Anyways, the delivery for it was great. I like how the lines are consistently short, then get consistently long. It adds a good pattern and flow to the poem.
My favorite line is : "Who he is/what we are, or/damn our bliss"
You spelled realize wrong. You're lacking punctuation on the last line and after "or which way". It goes back to the pattern thing I mentioned earlier so you could leave it like that and it would still work. I don't know your intentions for this, so I wanna point it out just in case it wasn't on purpose. Those are all the technical errors I can see.
It's a good poem and I hope it helped you blow off some of your steam.
Oh!,dear me,please do give him his review.i was enchanted with this work,in fact i almost blushed.the lines are linked together powerfully,short but superb,how ever i observed some..should i say mistakes,no1 it would sound like this work is bad.Let's look at the last line,"damn our bliss'',whose bliss are you damning,it has nothing to do with the beautiful poem."Or which way",i believe its an incomplete sentence,doesn't,make it any beautiful.Please take time in correcting that,critics lurks in YWS.The 7 and 8 lines,i think have a forced rhyme,it doesn't actually fit into each other.This is a age for 'less rhyme,more rhythm,more beauty.If i were to rate this work over 100.I'd give it 59,eve though its not yet complete,half of the work is done.well,with my heart, I'll give it 67(the other score was with my head,well poetry is of the heart)keep writing i would love to see the complete version of this poem,this is like a trial version and it is really depressing(hope i wont pay for the full version). THIS WORK IS GREAT REALLY,I AM PLEASED,LOVE THIS WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!
Okay. I have a lot to say about this. Some of it bad. Some of it good. Just to warn you; most of it is bad. So please don't take this personally.
In the middle of the poem, when your lines are longer, You rhyme. But it's forced. Here's a tip; If you have lines that are either a lot longer than the rest of the poem, or a lot shorter, then it can signal a disrupt in rhythm. Also, count syllables. That helps too.
Also, I really don't know what this is about. First you tell this person to stop telling you what to do. Then you go and say there were lies in the air and they reacted badly to something. Then you start talking about some guy. You say the person you address this to is telling this person who to be. Is it your boyfriend?
Sorry. The idea of this poem is great. Use poetry to address somebody CALL THEM OUT! You go! Great job on that aspect. But there is a reason why we save unfinished works before posting. So please, finish this.
NOTE: This poem is unfinished and probably will stay that way for a while, until I feel like finishing it.