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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
The abruptness of this paragraph doesn’t sit too well with me. I think you could do a bit more with describing the setting here. Obviously they’re in a church – is it a big, beautiful church with fancy pants stained glass, or a humdrum run-down one? Stuff like that, y’know. [pardon the pun, but I feel like I’m preaching to the choir.]
This is some lovely imagery that I think would be a lot stronger if you gave more of the setting in the first paragraph.
Personally, I think you should describe the mob a bit more – we’ve met them before, yes, but how far have they come? Are they tired and sweaty or did they just amble in from the yard? Things like that, for perspective. You inch toward such description in the next few paragraphs, but I think moving it up here would be better.
Aesthetically, that bugs me. >.<
I’m pretty sure the “He” should be lowercase.
This whole paragraph of dialogue [deleted because I don’t feel like staring at a giant paragraph] is very, very lovely imagery and emotion. Kudos.
Ooh, hello random recurring event. *intrigued*
So, still, you have my interests. I’m still wondering why they wanted to execute the guy, and what is going on with these recurring screams. Still a good hook that’s pulling me to the third chapter, which I would do right away if I wasn’t so tired [again]. I should sleep more.
Anyway. Still intriguing and well-written. A lot of unanswered questions thus far that annoy me with their current status. You’ve got me hooked.
Peace and love.
Teague
x
Just a personal thing, but 'many glasses' irks me. For some reason, an indian from an old, hollywood-style western movie comes to mind. "There were many White Man..."
Perhaps replace with 'a few' or 'several'? In dialogue, it's fine, but in narration, it bugs me.
Love that.
Prisoner, Snake , and Thoughts
Okay, so now we have a name, and even though the snake isn't directly explained, at least we know there are some other weird things going on. The ending was nice, by the way, though if you didn't already have 3 up, I'd be pacing around waiting for it. Things are getting interesting. What are the chances of seeing Nancy again, dead or alive?
On Molly, though I'm sure by time I read #3 it'll seem perfectly natural, but she seems like an extra person. Not because of Brown telling her to get things or asking her for the stats exactly. There's just something about her that makes her feel more... flat than the others. Maybe it's her bit of dialogue, or lack of description regarding her reactions/emotions/her in general. With Brown, even with the Mayor, we had a bit of their personality come across through their dialogue and actions. With Molly, she seems a bit mindless. She replies to the mayor's questions with the necessary dialogue, but without descriptions to follow. For all we know, she wasn't affected by the mayor's story, or by the fact that Nancy just left the church and may very well die before the night's over.
You have a way in your writing, though. What might be sketchy in the first few chapters is explained or bettered in later ones so that it ceases to bug. So Molly's lack of depth probably isn't as bad as I'm making it sound, and because she only got a small bit in this chapter, it's not. But if she remains the flat gal well into PH10...
I've a paper to write, so I'm off. I'll get to #3 later.
I'm always ever-so glad when you post, Braddeh.
I'm extra glad because I'm thoroughly enjoying this. You're coming into your imagery very nicely. ^^ I appreciate it both here and in your first chapter. The movement between the two is lovely - I'm loving the change in perspective. We've already come across key players in the narrative.
As you know, I came away from this ranting a little about George. This is uber fantastic, because you made me care! ^^ And my caring means a lot to how I approach a text. Which is lovely work on your part.
I think I like the first chapter better than this, though. I'm still wondering what's going in with the initial, you know. So I disagree with Jig that the first is unnecessary, or that this would be best first. This is too much too quickly for a first chapter. We'd have to step back and shake ourselves from the horrific accumulation of ideas. The first chapter, on the other hand, allows us to get a nicely timed introduction to the feeling of the situation, and keep us interested. It's well placed.
Nice work. I look forward to the next.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Ah, a slightly cleaner and more intriguing continuation. I didn't find anything to critique here; I do wonder now though, whether that first piece is at all necessery. This would be a stronger opening...only without the protagonist. Hm.
In any case, this was compelling. Very tight, very nice.
Cheerio