.

Beyond the clearing, into the forest where the trees were so dense you could barely see the sky overhead, he finally felt it, finally saw it:

This is personal preference more than anything; but it really bothers me when writers use “you” in a third/first person story. I’m guilty of it too, so I’m totally being a hypocrite here, but yeah. Two cents much.

a small wooded box with a blade dangling from above.

“Wooded” seems to be slightly weird wording… it makes me think of like, a metal box with a wood coating. This, if that’s what you’re aiming for, is fabulous. Also, “with a blade dangling from above” confused me a bit – maybe it’s the syntax. Maybe if you talk about the blade first – “a blade dangling above a box” – it’ll be less confusing. *reads on* Unless… that’s not really what you mean? xD I’m confusing myself now.

He would be forced to lie on his back with his arms trapped in a wooden box, and he would see the blade flash as it ripped down to his throat.

This is the part where I went back and said, “Wait… what did I say and what is he talking about and how do they correlate?”

And as I continue reading [stream of consciousness much?] I kind of get an idea about what you’re talking about, but some of your diction above is making it hard to clearly picture that. I see the word “guillotine” – okay, so I picture a guy on his knees, head in that little cutout under the blade. Earlier I was picturing a forest and some guy just there on his back with his hands in a magical floating box with some weird pendulum swinging above it. Maybe I’m just really tired – which is quite possible – but I’m having trouble picturing what’s going on.

The howls of pack dogs from far away whipped around the trees, around and through and in the people, as though their commotion had stirred them from their sleep. As though they knew what was about to take place and were laying claim to the remains.

I think this bit would be better if you combined the sentences – a little lengthy, yes, but better.

He was shoved down upon his knees.

Okay, now I think I see where we’re going – he was standing earlier, looking at the guillotine rig, right? That makes a lot more sense.

The only sound he could hear was the sound of Adam's eyes staring down at him, unflinching and unco-opted by the restlessness of his surroundings.

Wait… sound of… eyes? Something is not clicking there. Also, what’s “unco-opted?” Seems a bit clunky to me.

The noise a single tear made when it hit the soil was the loudest thing he'd never heard, and all at once his lungs heaved open as a gasp of air rushed to greet him.

I rule at speaking too soon. xD

A spark had caught the oxygen on its way down and a fiery pain erupted through his throat to the back of his eyes.

Lovely imagery, this.

He looked up to the man who was gazing down at him, perplexed. "You don't hear it!?"

Okay, I’m drawing a line here. Lose the double punctuation. That is WAY lame and you’re WAY above that level. Exclamation marks are lame anyway; cheap ways to make something more exciting than it is.

Ooer, talking snakes and easily distracted crowds. Hooray.

Hurm… I’m interested to see where this is headed – you’ve left me with a lot of unanswered questions to compel me to keep reading, which is lovely. Your imagery, while a tad bit confusing at first [and that may just be because I’m tired], was vivid and yummy once I figured out which way was up.

On to part 2! [and subsequent parts yet to be posted?]

Peace and love.
Teague
x

A sudden terror seized him from the inside, and he realized he had never fully realized what was going to happen until now

Repitition of realized, annoys. Try: A sudden terror seized him from the inside. He had never full realized what was going to happen until now.

A shudder of quiet snickers slipped away from the crowd.

Lovin' that sentence.

The only sound he could hear was the sound of Adam's eyes staring down at him, unflinching and unco-opted by the restlessness of his surroundings

He can hear a stare? Really? That's amazing.

*

I don't know what to make of this yet, Braddykins, so I shall reserve judgement for now.

Nice stuff.

This was awesome. I hardly know anything about the character and how he got there, but I don't care all that much because you gave just enough information for the piece to be a masterpiece. The description was fantastic. I'm a fan of the "touched his ears like a buzzing fly" and the "toothless grin" in particular.

Nit Piks:

There were a couple of lines that got me, like the following:

The man motioned several others over, and they all bent down and picked him up limb by kicking limb and laid him in his final seat.

Couple commas needed.

There was one other like that, and then one that should be two sentences, but of course, now that I try to find them, they all blend in with the piece. >.<

Question:

Where'd the Snake com from?

I like the end, and I like the role the snake plays, but where in the world did it come from? Perhaps that's the point and it didn't come from anywhere, it's just one of those things that give a question with no answer, but still.

It's not killing my mind too much, but that's the question that keeps running laps in my head. You don't need to give an origin or an all-out explanation. Even a handful of words would do. Just... something. Even a couple words. Just fill it out a bit.

But I love the snake. I love how, when the people, his would-be executioners, go off in search of the kid, it's the snake that kills him. And he was about to tell Adam something, too. Perfect timing in everything.

Likes:

Timing, but I've said that.

Emotions were good. You were able to put us in the MC's shoes without us knowing a whole awful lot about him... at all. And your descriptions were great. I think that's part of what drew me in. You described things well enough to put the reader in the scene even before they really knew what was going on. But the things like the Autumn Afternoons, and Adam made the character relatable.

I'm just going to rattle on about the greatness of your imagery and description if I go on, so I'll stop now. I loved the simplicity of the piece, the lack of long bits of information that somehow avoid being called info dumps, and yet how it was able to have the same effect.

As always, you're brilliant.