Young Writers Society

Hello!

I'm here, popping in another review for #NaNoRevMo !

Can I just say, you're profile picture is so pretty! Is that you?

Okay, let's get in to this :p

Such amazing bliss

Brushing fingertips on skin

Mesmerize me

With brown eyes that gleam.

First thing I noticed, was that in the first few lines, you used absolutely no punctuation, and then through out the piece you use a lot of punctuation. This messes up the overall look of the piece and of course the flow of the piece. Just make sure you're checking that kind of stuff before you publish!

so some of this rhymes, some of it doesn't. Just make sure you figure out which one of these you want. I mean I understand that you might have just accidentally rhymed but like don't try super hard to make it rhyme or not rhyme, or it's obvious. I guess I'm not very good at explaining that, but hopefully you get what I mean XD

there are no stanzas, and that really irritates me with the length of this poem. it feels like a forever long sentence, and it seems clumpy. Just try and separate them into natural breaks, when you change the trail of thought or symbol. Again, I'm not great at explaining things :p

Just realized I'm an hour from being the second post <.> Well, I hope I didn't repeat anything! And If I did, then it means that specific thing needs edited

Hello, hello! RagingLive here to review your poem! First off, I wanted to let you know that this was a very moving piece and I liked it very much. I'm going to try and not step on any toes with this review, but there are a few places I would like to address.

During the first four lines, I thought you were going with an A/A B/B rhyme pattern, but the farther down I got, the more confusing it became. If your words are going to rhyme, they need to be in a decipherable pattern, so you might need to work on that a bit and I have a few ideas as to how.

To start, I split up the phrases with four lines in each paragraph and put a hyphen between each paragraph to make it easier to read and to try and figure out your rhyme scheme. I might end up taking this line by line, so I'm apologizing ahead of time in case this review gets long.

Such amazing bliss
Brushing fingertips on skin
Mesmerize me
With brown eyes that gleam

The first two lines, while they don't exactly rhyme, they also don't flow very well together. Maybe instead of referencing fingertips on fingertips and skin, you could talk about a '(something, something) kiss.' Kiss would definitely rhyme better with bliss, don't you think?
Also, 'mesmerize me' is a bit too short to go with the pattern that you set in the first two sentences. Try 'mesmerizing' for a few extra syllables. The up side? It means the same thing!

You make me weak,
Yet you strengthen me.
Encouraging,
Become my own galaxy.

The only thing that doesn't rhyme in the paragraph is 'weak.' I really makes it confusing, but I don't really know what to tell you about this.

The opportunities endless
When the stars claim their goddess.
Only through you,
Can my dreams come true.

Here you go back to the A/A B/B sequence, which is fine because everything rhymes very well and the flow seems a little more natural. I do have a suggestion about the first sentence. Maybe if you wanted to make it a little more personal, you could replace 'the' with 'my.'
"My opportunities endless / when the stars claim their goddess"

Such sweet words,
You raise me to other worlds
With every hand you held out,
Every worried shout

'Words' and 'worlds' don't quite match up either, but right now I'm going to let you get by with it because it isn't a big deal. However, you kind of switched the last two sentences so that the shorter sentence is at the last, the opposite of the others. I'm going to suggest you do something like this:
"At every worried shout / your had you held out" If that's good with you, it sounds good to me!

It was you.
You and God knew.
The dark I have hid,
My own terrifying demon.

Here, the last two phrases again, they made no sense. I get what you are trying to say here but it wasn't put very eloquently and doesn't match up with the rest of the poem. What if we struck the last two sentences and put them at the beginning of the next four lined paragraph? This is what it would look like:

Never have you left me.
But you and God drew it out of me.
The dark no longer scares me.
Thank you, for seeing.

If you have take my previous advice, this is what the next paragraph will look like. I understand the first line, but the second seems kind of randomly placed and I think that we might want to knock that out of there. While we're at it, let's take out the last line and draw up the next two from the paragraph below, like this:


The only other thing I have is that you capitalized the beginning of every line, which isn't necessary if you ended the last phrase with a comma or nothing at all.
I apologize again that this review is long and that I might have ended up butchering your work. Overall, I thought that this was a very sweet, heartfelt piece that just needed a bit of polishing. If you have any questions or want to set me straight on anything, just message me in the comments below or PM me!

Keep writing and keep on smiling!!
~RagingLive

Hi!!

So I feel like the message here is quite beautiful but the actual way you're portraying it is pretty vague.

Little Mistakes I caught:
1.) Did you mean not to have a rhyme scheme? Because there doesn't seem to be one. Even if this wasn't meant to have one, it's not as smooth as it could be.
2.)

The opportunities endless

When the stars claim their goddess.

I think this would sound better as "The opportunity is endless / When the stars claim their goddess. Well, maybe, if you have something like "The opportunities are endless / When the stars claim their goddess." I'm not sure. Sorry if you don't or can't understand what I mean. To me, it sounds right and fits with the rest of the poem, but it just wouldn't look or sound right outside of it.
3.) In line #14 did you mean to put a period at the end?
4.) Sorry if this is random, but, I feel like this poem would be more aesthetically pleasing if you had a different line formation on the page. Maybe in a heart shape.
5.) Maybe you should have made a new section with this as the starting line

With every hand you held out,

and went from there.
6.) This would be easier to read if the sentences matched word or syllable length and if you had the same amount of words on each line.

Anyways, sorry if this seemed harsh. Because I really did enjoy this poem. It was a nice read. Great job!

Good job!!,
~Tiff