~12.08.2010 00.00
She looked around again and tried to think what she was doing there. It seemed completely meaningless but she had nothing to do. She was just a sixteen-year-old teenager and she didn’t have any idea like changing the world or something.
She was sitting in the balcony of her house with her lovely laptop computer. It was very hot inside and it wasn’t very good for her. She had an allergy againist the heat so she was there.
Thoughts from a dark mind. Words from a frozen heart. She had a dark mind – never ignored this. But frozen heart? It wasn’t her fault at all. She had nobody to listen to her. Her thoughts. Her feelings. And she thought, if nobody cared, they weren’t necessary.
It was wrong to shape your life because of anybody but you, but she couldn’t help herself doing this. She looked at street lights and started to think what turned her into “this”.
She thought about everybody in her life but nobody was there. In her heart. Nobody worthed to be cared by her. “Disturbing,” she whispered to night. “Sixteen years and there’s nobody except my family.”
And night answered her question, “They didn’t even look inside of you.” Paused. “You looked every inch of them but they didn’t. It wasn’t your fault, girl.”
“But, it should be!” she whispered angrily. “Were many people wrong? Am i the only right?”
“There’s no right or wrong,” answered the night. “It depends on the point of view. I’m looking from your side and you are absolutely right. Calm down and stop thinking the others. This is your life not theirs.”
“Maybe you’re right.” She started to understand. “I should do it. This is my life.”
“You say it but you didn’t believe. You should believe it.”
“I believe. I guess.”
“There shouldn’t be any doubts. This is your life and you should know it already!”
She opened her eyes and whispered again.
“This is my life.”
She looked at the sky and saw the stars shining. She smiled.
“This is my life.”
The moon shined.
“This is my life. Not theirs.”
She went inside, to her bed. She said it again before she slept.
“This is my life. Not theirs.”
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hey!!
RandomTalks here for a short review!
I am not quite sure how this fits into the essay category. It feels more like a short story or the start of a novel or even a page of a journal to me. I would personally change it to something else.
Now onto the story(or whatever it is)!
I liked the concept behind this piece. The girl seems to be really lonely and I have the feeling that she got carried away by the great tide of people in this world. She feels sad over the fact that she has no one except her family and yet on the other hand she feels that no one should build their life around someone else. I think you portrayed these contradicting emotions very well. The girl seems to be quite young (she is 16 I guess), and at this age, it is normal to be confused. I liked how she gained more strength and confidence after that little conversation in the night. She was talking with the sky but it was actually her own self that was making her see reason.
However, I have to admit this was a little confusing. I get what you tried to portray but you failed to execute it. For one, your setting is not very clear, Yes she is in the balcony and at night. However other than that we don't really know anything about her or her background to be able to connect with her or even sympathize with her. You need to work a little on the setting and descriptions.
This part especially was a little confusing, and I did not get what you were trying to say at all.
Other than that, there are some minor suggestions I would like to put forward.
I think it should be "Am I the only one right?"
You are missing 'about' here after 'thinking'.
I am not sure if this is the right kind of lesson to portray here. We should always try to understand other's point of view. It helps us learn more about them and also ourselves. Otherwise we will get stuck with this narrowed version of the world and won't be able to see anything that our eyes don't allow ourselves to see.
Overall, this piece has potential. You just need to brush it up a little.
Keep writing and have a great day!
(Also, sorry for the blank comments. Don't know what happened there!)
Tyh
Hello there!
Here as requested.
First of all, I just want to welcome you again to YWS. How are you enjoying so far? I think this is your first story that you've posted here, right?
Anyways, let's go back to the review. I don't want to be brutally harsh though, but I should say, I didn't quite like this. Why, you ask me? It's because in my own point of view, the story's all blandly written and a bit confusing. I mean, what really is the point of this story? Is your main character experiencing 'heart-brokenness' or rejection? As far as I could see, it's pretty hard to tell. Also, your introductory bores me. I suggest that you should have your introductory part with something grabbing or that could easily draw your reader's attention into your story. And in there, you might want to show more and lessen on the telling part.
You've misspelled something right there. Also, I don't think her bedroom is really that hot because the story's set during nighttime, unless it was a sunny afternoon then I might reconsider that. And then you say to us that your MC has this allergy against the heat, so being realistic here, wouldn't she have an air-condition or something? I mean, she couldn't just go out of her room, just because it's cold outside, right? Plus, I think you've mentioned laptop randomly here. Why would she bring a laptop outside the balcony? It's quite confusing because you depict to us that your main character gets out to the balcony and then, there she's thinking of what she was supposed to do. And you can just delete the word 'computer', it's already understandable that's she's bringing a laptop, no need for that word because it would only look like it's repeating the same idea.
Furthermore, you also need to work with your punctuations. There are some wherein they are placed mistakenly. As with your character, I couldn't feel what really is happening to her or what does she really feel. You haven't manage to show it to us. You've only just tell that she's experiencing this sort of rejection or loneliness. I couldn't feel a bridge connecting between her and I, the reader. In addition to that, I'm hypothesizing that this is a bit emotional and dark, so you might want to add more emotions here. It's because unfortunately, I don't feel any pity towards her.
Anyway, let's go at the good things. I could really sense that you're struggling well in this story. Your verb consistency is good, so be happy with that. Just so you need more improvisation in this piece. I know you've got much more up to your sleeve that what you're offering right here in terms of potential, IlluminatedNight.
I honestly have to say that this has potential. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.
Keep writing!
Peace out!
~yuri