A letter for her soldier man

Hi! Em101cats here to review your song! Also, happy review day!

I loved your song. It really hit deep; it was meaningful and full of emotion. You deserve a grand prize for this!

A few things I found that might be helpful: (I'm not the best writer in the world, so forgive me if I correct something that's not wrong)

The fear encircles all around

This seems like its own sentence, for it is capitalized at the beginning, but you have it without a punctuation mark. Might I suggest you change it to this:

The nightmares crowd, the monsters jeer,
and fear encircles all around.

If you want to keep it how it is, by all means, do so. It's not my place to control how you write.

A path where none but I can walk.
A path where only death can follow.

This kind of broke the flow for me, and this is what I suggest you change these lines to:

A path where none but I can walk,
one where only death may follow.

It also works the way it is, though, so if you don't want to change the wording, you most certainly don't have to. It's your song, anyway.

Have a great review day, and keep up the fantastic work!
~Em101cats~

Hey! ChocolateCello here! Welcome to YWS!

So, let's talk about your rhyming scheme. So, you're changing the number of lines in each 'section' or verse. (Is verse correct? Sorry, not up to date with my poem vocabulary) So changing the line count is fine and all but it's not needed. All the verses or sections should stay at four lines in my opinion, but all you would have to do to make this work is combine the first two line in the five line sections.

A reaching hand

A broken heart

A soulful voice in darkest night

A ticking clock, a shooting gun

A mourning widow, begs her plight.

Change this to

A reaching hand, a broken heart

A soulful voice in darkest night

A ticking clock, a shooting gun

A mourning widow, begs her plight.

It still flows the same but it looks a lot nicer. (Also do this with any other five line sections)

The last verse is a bit off. (Once you move everything into four lines) you have a ABCB pattern. This time though, you tried to make it more of a ABCA (Rhyming chair and air). Mess around with this and try to get the the right lines rhyming.

Finally, punctuation. First off, don't end your poem with an ellipsis, just keep it a period. Second off, sometimes you use periods and commas, sometimes you don't. Try to keep this consistent. Either take out the periods (Leave the commas that are in the middle of the lines) or add commas and periods everywhere else that is needed. I'm not going to take the time to show you every little spot that needs a comma, period, or other punctuation mark so let me suggest this; Take your poem and take it out of 'poem form'. Write it out like you would write a short story or paragraph for an essay, keeping all the words the same of course. Then go through and add needed commas and periods before putting it back into poem form.

I really liked this poem, it was well written and, for the most part, it flowed really nicely. I hope to see some more poetry form you, you're obviously very talented.

Keep writing!

-ChocolateCello