A forest a world, Pandora in sync
A moment, a bond, a connection, a blink.
Feel eywa’s breeze cradle your wings
This is a new chance, a new beginning
Forget your problems, your hate, your woes,
Forget the world, who tells you ‘no’
She’ll hold you gently, rock you yet
Sleep to the sounds of a Pandoran forest
See the wonder, adore the beauty
Watch the wild claim your heart
Then as you leave, feel torn apart.
This world we see is one of dreams
Of hopes, of visions, of happiness
Feel your spirit roam free
And become one of the Na’vi.
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140,685 Literary Works • 673,594 Reviews
Hiya!
So I was not expecting this to be about Avatar, but here we are.
Hey that rhymed!
Which brings me to my next point.
The rhyming in this poem is forced. You don't have to rhyme in poems. When poets rhyme things, they say something like, "hm, what rhymes with X?" and then they try to cobble together a line that has the rhyming word in it but still has a semblance of sense. But sometimes, it doesn't make sense. Or the way they word it is awkward. This is what we call forced rhyme. And it is not good. Most of the time, a poem is better off if it doesn't rhyme at all. Make sense?
Although the references to Avatar are pretty unique, the content of the poem itself isn't much. It's been done before, it's cliche. There are hardly any solid images or sensory details. I don't actually feel like I'm there (which is what I should be feeling) with lines like, "see the wonder, adore the beauty" because that doesn't actually show me the wonder or the beauty. I can't see it, because you, as the author haven't shown it to me! That one line, however, is not the only happening of this. It's all throughout the poem. I suggest that you read famous poetry, or the poetry of people like pompadour or pocket or even my poetry, to see what I mean about using solid images. You learn so much from reading other's poetry, it's amazing!
This is a really good poem though if you're just beginning to write poetry. c:
I hope this helped somewhat, let me know if you have any questions!
Keep writing! You'll get better and better!
~fortis
Hey! ChocolateCello here!
Okay, this poem was definitely interesting. I really liked the story in it but I'm questioning your set up. Occasionally, with no real pattern, you'll have two lines where the last words of each rhyme. Sure, you can write a poem like this, but I feel like it takes away from this amazing work. It makes it feel like you just 'forgot to rhyme' then would randomly remember again. Now, editing this would require changing the entire poem so I understand if you prefer to leave it. Also, throughout the entire poem you have three periods. If you're trying to use punctation like it's normally used, then you're missing quite a few periods throughout the story. (ex:'Feel eywa’s breeze cradle your wings' should end in a period) Honestly though, I think the poem would be better without periods (Leave the commas though). It would make everything feel smoother and more relaxed if you took out the three out of place periods. This is the second work I've seen from you and, so far, I'm impressed by your skill.
Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello