Hello, fellow YWSers! I haven't posted for a while, and I was feeling guilty, so here goes. I kind of wrote this back at the start of the year, for English. We were doing poetry, and were supposed to be writing metaphor poems - but I kind of left it to the last minute. So I wrote most of this propped up in bed by several pillows, almost falling asleep every second line. I didn't quite stick toothpicks between my eyelids to keep them open, but it was a close-run thing. So forgive me if it's not quite as polished as it should be.
I know that I will be quite fine: I like to come here all the time. I sit upon my favourite rock Above the steep and lethal drop And close my eyes and think of all The beauty of the ocean’s call.
It really is amazing How the ocean, never failing, Strikes awe into the hearts of those Who tire of writing sums and prose. The churning peaks of frothy white Swoop to the sky and out of sight Then plunge back down and fade into Fathomless depths of midnight blue.
Three costumes for the times of day: Three cloaks it dons and throws away. First, spangled robes of silver glass To wear as birds go flitting past, And children play upon the sand Or watch as the ocean waves her hand At the sky above, the beauty who Has eyes of periwinkle blue.
Next, clothed in folds of molten gold As the shadows stretch to lengths untold And the polished golden orb of day Follows its own secret way Behind the hilly fields and trees, Fading with the gentle breeze.
Last, a mantle black as death Steals from Man his very breath: The ocean’s tears now lap the quay And mourn day’s merry face away, Expecting she who, come when will, Should wash away this deathly still.
And still I sit and hear the waves Sighing soft through coves and caves; I see the birds go soaring by – Is it sorrow in their cry? And feel the wind upon my brow Gently brush away my frown.
Is there a ship there out at sea That might have extra room for me? Or am I doomed to waiting here, Until my sense or Death appear?
And as I stand beneath the sky My heart gives out a silent cry For anyone who might be there To carry me away from here.
Ignis, I can't believe I didn't notice this... =( I remember this in class... I honestly thought it was AMAZING, but I'm just going to critique your... Presentation =P Okay, what was with the beach photo thing in the background? I though it looked... Odd. Also, have more confidence when you go up to present =) Everyone thinks everything you write is pure genius, that's why we voted that you present from our group =)
Don't think that helped much and any users our there who also happen to be reading this will probably be quite confused, but stay awesome, Ignis =)
Hmm. I'm actually not sure how I feel about this poem. It is very pretty, but there's a kind of clash in it that doesn't exactly appeal to me - that's probably just me and a select few others, though. So, as a review -
I like the first stanza, except for the fact that the rhyming feels forced. "[R]ock... drop" sounds the most natural, probably because it's a looser rhyme than "all... call" or "fine... time" which, while not absolute, carries a kind of tension to it. The rhythm sounds a little forced as well: If you want a structured poem, the rhythm has to be a natural flow, kind of like Shakespeare, with your ability to edit and change it as you wish. It's been said of Shakespeare's iambic pentameter that it wasn't his "norm", but his standard of deviation: That was the basis off of which he based his rhythm.
In the second stanza, the first couple of lines kind of disappointed me. "Amazing" sets up a standard which "never failing" doesn't quite live up to with the rhyme or assonance or whichever it is you were aiming for. The Z, I think, set it apart from the L in "failing", making the second line sound too soft compared to the first. Also, in the last two lines, I think you could benefit by rhyming "blue" with some word other than "into" - a preposition isn't always a strong rhyme, or even a strong word that sounds right on the end of a line. Look at it like the end of the line is the fisherman's tug on his rod, and you're aiming to draw the reader in by the end of a stanza. Every tug has to be strong. Other than that, I like the second stanza more than the first. "Churning peaks of frothy white", in particular, evokes an image.
The third stanza is probably my favourite. I love the costumes and cloaks in the first two lines - but then your comma in the fourth line deters me from the idea that the sea is wearing the robes and makes me focus more on the children. Perhaps, if you eliminated that comma, there would be a stronger connection between the wearing and the "children" idea. I also don't like it very much that you ended the penultimate line with "who", which leads me onto the next line without any notion that "who" and "blue" are supposed to rhyme. I don't enjoy that you ended the stanza with the same word as the second, but there's not much actually wrong with this.
In the fourth, I think you could trade "clothed" for a different word - "wrapped", "garbed", etc. would all do just as well, without making the reader (or at least me) stumble and think "clahthèd" instead of "clothed" with a long O. In the second line you could probably do away with the word "the" before shadows, streamlining the phrase a bit more. In the third line, "golden" sounds extraneous and refers back to "molten gold", but it's not referring to the ocean, which can be confusing.
In the fifth stanza, the fourth line is confusing, mostly because of the internal rhyme, which a reader can get caught up in, especially with the long word "mourn" before "day" - perhaps if you traded it for "wash", since the verb is actually referring to the tears of the ocean. The last two lines confuse me some, even when I try to dissect the sentence as a grammatical sentence and not as a poetic verse. What did you mean by "[S]he who, come when will,/Should wash away this deathly still"?
In the sixth stanza - I dislike the return to the speaker, mostly because I was so caught up in the description of the ocean. (Teaches me to get involved with poetry.) After the fourth line, you should have a dash to close the parenthetical phrase, so you can return to your original sentence with the "and"; otherwise it makes no sense whatsoever. (Also, your semicolon is ungrammatical. Just sayin'.) The hard N at the end of "frown" kind of ruins the rhyme with "brow", but it fits the imagery.
The seventh stanza doesn't feel like it really fits. The poem starts with the speaker, turns to the ocean, returns to the speaker, and now a ship the speaker is dreaming/thinking of? I'll go with it, though, and just say that the comma in the third line - while it seems like there should be a pause there, it looks unwieldy and may startle the educated reader, since it creates a parenthetical that should be part of the main sentence.
The eighth stanza doesn't really fit, but, again, I'll go with it. The oxymoron of "silent cry" really does nothing for me - perhaps a stronger adjective in the line of "blood-curdling" or "shrieking" or "gull-like" would improve the image of that. The rhyme with "there... here" doesn't quite sound right, either: It ends the poem on a kind of weird note, making the reader ask "Why?" Why did the poem end like that? Why did it end on a long E when "there" makes such a pretty short E/long A sound that makes a beautiful rhyme? Those are questions for the poet to ask themselves, though.
I do like the poem - I know that much - I just don't love it. It could use some improvements with word choice, imagery, and grammatical nitpickiness in general, but it's not bad.
Two words: LOVE IT! It shows so much expression of the sea and the cloaks paragraph was very meaningful and nice to read. Thank you very much for creating this piece of poetry!
Two words: LOVE IT! It shows so much expression of the sea and the cloaks paragraph was very meaningful and nice to read. Thank you very much for creating this piece of poetry!
From, N.M.P McConnell
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I haven't posted for a while, and I was feeling guilty, so here goes.
Ignis, I can't believe I didn't notice this... =(
I remember this in class... I honestly thought it was AMAZING, but I'm just going to critique your... Presentation =P
Okay, what was with the beach photo thing in the background? I though it looked... Odd. Also, have more confidence when you go up to present =)
Everyone thinks everything you write is pure genius, that's why we voted that you present from our group =)
Don't think that helped much and any users our there who also happen to be reading this will probably be quite confused, but stay awesome, Ignis =)
Hmm. I'm actually not sure how I feel about this poem. It is very pretty, but there's a kind of clash in it that doesn't exactly appeal to me - that's probably just me and a select few others, though. So, as a review -
I like the first stanza, except for the fact that the rhyming feels forced. "[R]ock... drop" sounds the most natural, probably because it's a looser rhyme than "all... call" or "fine... time" which, while not absolute, carries a kind of tension to it. The rhythm sounds a little forced as well: If you want a structured poem, the rhythm has to be a natural flow, kind of like Shakespeare, with your ability to edit and change it as you wish. It's been said of Shakespeare's iambic pentameter that it wasn't his "norm", but his standard of deviation: That was the basis off of which he based his rhythm.
In the second stanza, the first couple of lines kind of disappointed me. "Amazing" sets up a standard which "never failing" doesn't quite live up to with the rhyme or assonance or whichever it is you were aiming for. The Z, I think, set it apart from the L in "failing", making the second line sound too soft compared to the first. Also, in the last two lines, I think you could benefit by rhyming "blue" with some word other than "into" - a preposition isn't always a strong rhyme, or even a strong word that sounds right on the end of a line. Look at it like the end of the line is the fisherman's tug on his rod, and you're aiming to draw the reader in by the end of a stanza. Every tug has to be strong. Other than that, I like the second stanza more than the first. "Churning peaks of frothy white", in particular, evokes an image.
The third stanza is probably my favourite. I love the costumes and cloaks in the first two lines - but then your comma in the fourth line deters me from the idea that the sea is wearing the robes and makes me focus more on the children. Perhaps, if you eliminated that comma, there would be a stronger connection between the wearing and the "children" idea. I also don't like it very much that you ended the penultimate line with "who", which leads me onto the next line without any notion that "who" and "blue" are supposed to rhyme. I don't enjoy that you ended the stanza with the same word as the second, but there's not much actually wrong with this.
In the fourth, I think you could trade "clothed" for a different word - "wrapped", "garbed", etc. would all do just as well, without making the reader (or at least me) stumble and think "clahthèd" instead of "clothed" with a long O. In the second line you could probably do away with the word "the" before shadows, streamlining the phrase a bit more. In the third line, "golden" sounds extraneous and refers back to "molten gold", but it's not referring to the ocean, which can be confusing.
In the fifth stanza, the fourth line is confusing, mostly because of the internal rhyme, which a reader can get caught up in, especially with the long word "mourn" before "day" - perhaps if you traded it for "wash", since the verb is actually referring to the tears of the ocean. The last two lines confuse me some, even when I try to dissect the sentence as a grammatical sentence and not as a poetic verse. What did you mean by "[S]he who, come when will,/Should wash away this deathly still"?
In the sixth stanza - I dislike the return to the speaker, mostly because I was so caught up in the description of the ocean. (Teaches me to get involved with poetry.) After the fourth line, you should have a dash to close the parenthetical phrase, so you can return to your original sentence with the "and"; otherwise it makes no sense whatsoever. (Also, your semicolon is ungrammatical. Just sayin'.) The hard N at the end of "frown" kind of ruins the rhyme with "brow", but it fits the imagery.
The seventh stanza doesn't feel like it really fits. The poem starts with the speaker, turns to the ocean, returns to the speaker, and now a ship the speaker is dreaming/thinking of? I'll go with it, though, and just say that the comma in the third line - while it seems like there should be a pause there, it looks unwieldy and may startle the educated reader, since it creates a parenthetical that should be part of the main sentence.
The eighth stanza doesn't really fit, but, again, I'll go with it. The oxymoron of "silent cry" really does nothing for me - perhaps a stronger adjective in the line of "blood-curdling" or "shrieking" or "gull-like" would improve the image of that. The rhyme with "there... here" doesn't quite sound right, either: It ends the poem on a kind of weird note, making the reader ask "Why?" Why did the poem end like that? Why did it end on a long E when "there" makes such a pretty short E/long A sound that makes a beautiful rhyme? Those are questions for the poet to ask themselves, though.
I do like the poem - I know that much - I just don't love it. It could use some improvements with word choice, imagery, and grammatical nitpickiness in general, but it's not bad.
Dear Author
Two words: LOVE IT! It shows so much expression of the sea and the cloaks paragraph was very meaningful and nice to read.
Thank you very much for creating this piece of poetry!
From,
N.M.P McConnell
Dear Author
Two words: LOVE IT! It shows so much expression of the sea and the cloaks paragraph was very meaningful and nice to read.
Thank you very much for creating this piece of poetry!
From,
N.M.P McConnell