Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
I'm not quite a "poetry person" myself, but I really liked it. Hope you keep writing!
-Titan
This is such a good effort for your first attempt. Well done, I like how you have made up your own words, and definatly got the reference to the clock no need to worry about that.
Keep it up.
-wolfcub
p.s how did you do in the contest?
Yo, dudette! I rather like this limerick. It's fun and the reference is easy to pick up (and not just because of your spoiler at the beginning). Although I do agree with some of the others on the rhythm. You threw it off in some places and almost seemed to play with it in others. But, all together, this is nice little poem that one could imagine hearing little children sing while playing jump rope or something.
Hey IgnisandGlacialis!
For your first limerick poem, this was great! It really was! You had the right idea, it was a bit sing-songish - which is what I really liked and it was a bit witty and humorous! Really great work!!! As previously said, the rhythm was off a bit at some places, so you may just want to read over it once or twice to fix it up. But other than that, well done!
Oh, and you were my 100th review! Best wishes for future writing!
RedLeaf
Mostly very good but your rythms were off in many places, which is a big no-no in limericks. You have to be careful when picking the rhyme for the beginning of each verse to make it an easy one, so that the poem flows perfectly,
Beth
Hi Iggy
Congratulations on writing clever but captivating poem. It took me a couple of tries to understand the last verse, however that could just be me. I liked the way you made the poem seem carefree, almost babish (not quiteyet make it complex with a deeper meaning.
I am in no position to critise but at times the tick-tock ryhthm I think you were aiming for was lost.
Well Done in your suuccess in the competion (no more said).
Vicky
I loved it! lol It kept me reading! I loved how it rhymed the whole piece flowed throughout, great job!
Not only was it amazing, it rhymed! Hehe. Double-bonus. Not that I think poems have to rhyme to be good or anything, or if they don't rhyme they're not good. (Plenty of mine own don't rhyme.)
Anyway, the title really caught my interest, and the poem absolutely thrilled me. I loved it. I want say that I'm the one who wrote it, and steal it for my own. (If only...)
It was very good in the way it stayed on topic, the rhyming didn't sound forced, didn't sound odd or off, and it was easy to read. The flow and rhythm were nice, nice.
I loved the last line.
The fact that this whole poem is one insanely brilliant metaphor, which I understand (I love it when I understand things), is just... making me so envious, hehe.
I'm glad I read it.
Definitely worth reading.
Definitely.
I don't even have any critique for it. I think you did a wonderful job. ^^
Sorry for such a lame review, but you must like praises, no?
I LOVE this! You are SO awesome! It's so...fun to read.
Keep it up, I'd love to read more of your poems.
I reallllllllly like this. The only thing i found weird was 'discreetly resentful'
'cause I know I openly complain about the time... but maybe I misinterpreted it?
I also like how you made up your own words in the beginning like 'a-tick-tocking' an 'a-cocking'
OH. And the first line i would take out 'said' and revise it like this" Tis and old man that goes a-knocking'.
Good luck and keep writing!
Well, I really enjoyed this poem! For a first atempt at this style you have done very well... The subject of the poem, and the way you used personification to bring acrossed the subject worked lovely! I'm sorry, theres really nothing I have to comment on, other then that this was good, but really wasn't funny... Theres nothing else I can say that hasn't already been said, wish I could have helped more...
~Rain~
Ignis,
Limerick is a fun choice, getting it right is surprisingly difficult once you get around to doing it. Nonetheless, I'll get to my review.
I get an overall impression of this somehow fitting into Saint-Saens Carnival of the Animals, from the wit and rhyme you use. Taking the concept of a clock and making its features human is interesting. This opens a variety of avenues to explore in relating to one's audience, but don't let the character type obfuscate your efforts at being clear. Really, this is quite minute, fret not.
I enjoy this limerick because of the associations I see in sounds of words and imagery of what you're showing. I suppose you're referring to "Father Time" here to use old man? This isn't quite as poignant as you're wanting it to be, because of the "-cking" rhyme you need to keep the charm of the lines going. Also, the top hat in line 5, I believe I know what you mean (old clocks looking like houses with tops that would shake), but then I'm not sure. Does a clock cock? Some used to cuckoo, literally. Or are you referring to gears? In the effort to create an interesting rhyme, the focus of the old man isn't as crisp as it could be.
By "His efforts" what do you mean? Is he fighting himself from his own duty? Is it an allusion to a more lewd reading of the poem? I'm also confused by "subjects"; are these times on the clock? Seconds that go by? Hours? Why are they resentful?
Also, the second line messes up your meter with "must be rather", which subdivides rhythm and takes the flow with it. Consider "particularly stressful" to reduce the division created and not use passive voice, or whatever substitute you prefer.
The infinite to minute rhyme is fine by the way, no worry there.
The feeling is that the clock regrets his existence, but cannot help but continue in it. An allusion to Sisyphus, maybe? I'm confused with the clock feeling downhearted and bidding tramp-hood farewell. It's a metaphor for a man, seemingly an old one, who cannot escape a mundane existence, always ticking time away, going through the motions of each hour, but why does he bid tramp-hood farewell?
Ignis, it seems to me you're trying to do too much. Make no mistake that this is a very fine piece of work, with interesting word play and manipulation of rhymes and meter. However, the under-lying theme of this being an old man, coupled with "him" being a clock, and obeying the rules of a limerick make me confused as to what you're really saying. I get a very existential clock with a Sisyphus complex, but some of the descriptions don't quite say this clearly. On the other hand, if you're meshing some sexual connotations in here, that's fine, but then that's part of trying to do too much.
Take the emphasis on this clock and old man that you like and stick to it primarily. You've got barely 100 syllables, so choose some facet of this cock and follow that. Structurally, you don't need a lick of help beyond the meter in line 7. I envy you, writing and revising a well developed idea like this must be fun. Good luck and thanks for being my first review on here!
edit: just wanted to mention that my questions about details aren't that I want you to explain them in the poem itself. You don't have the room for that, but instead it's for you to consider why these details are necessary.
This is good!
I don't know much about limericks but this made me smile. Tenyo nitpicked the only mistakes I could find so... Keep a writin'!
P.S. How'd you get in the contest?
Hehe, I like it!
The rhythm was a little off at places, so I had to read over twice to really get it.
'A-tick-tocking'- I like the sound of the word, but it throws the rhythm off very early in the first verse, which isn't good. That line also has one less syllable, which might be why it doesn't fit.
To make the word 'infinite' work I had to think of it as 'inFINite,' which sounds odd.
Apart from those two, this is really good. Especially since you put three verses together in a little story, it's very creative, and I enjoyed reading it