Published December 7, 2011
All the world is glass,
shattered into grains of sand,
I stare into a dark mirror,
and retch to see what I may see.
I see eyes long interred in hate,
shame written on the features.
There is no respite from the world's torments,
no help against a sea of oppression.
You must stand alone against the water,
beating against that morbid soul within your chest,
a solemn and dying look, cold and relentless in its anger.
The bereavement that pulls against your breath,
a python that coils 'crost your heart.
The last vestiges of life slowly pulled from cold-clammy hands,
only to die another day.
I stare into an empty mirror,
and watch the hourglass pass.
There is no home here.
*It is supposed to be uneven and broken and not rhyme or have nice stanzas, its supposed to be like that. To match the tone and style of the poem*
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141,455 Literary Works • 674,468 Reviews
Hey Ignatius!
I looked over your poem! It looks like you have two subjects... you have the subject of you being dead, and you have the whole looking at a mirror also going on. There are a couple of other things, but still that seems to be the main part.
Anyway, I think if you added a little bit more description, that might be better. Okay, so you hate yourself when you look in the mirror. It happens. But, instead of saying that you hate yourself in the mirror because you look awful and dead, what if you actually described what your dead features looked like? It would make it a far more interesting poem if you talked about your fingernails twisting around your fingers (did you know that your fingernails and hair keep growing, even when you've died?) or talk about your bloated carcass. And I always did like the idea of maggots squirming in what once was your stomach. I don't know! Play around with it and see what works. Saying that you're dead over and over again is okay, but being more creative about your dead body makes something awesome.
Just one thing... in order for this poem to be taken seriously if you're going to go the route of describing your corpse, you have to describe what exactly killed you in the first place.
Hope this helps!
Heya!
I loved your poem alot, i say this to everyone i know... but really, are you sure you wrote it yourself? Its amazing, except.... the last line left me utterly confused. I loved the way you created such a vivid image into my mind, but the last line didnt seem to fit in, just my thoughts. Maybe if you clearly showed what you meant in the last line it would help understand and fit in a little more with the rest of the amazing world you have created.
Anyway i loved it
That is so beautiful! I've never read anything quite like it before! Thanks.
Hey Ignatius! Dogs here with your review today!!!! Great poem you have here! soooo much imagery and description one right after anouther. The imagery and description is sooo strong it leaves a huge impact on the reader, or at least on me as a reader lol which is what i hope you were aiming to do. I love your use of the dark mirror and how the world is shattered. That is excellent! My only few critcism is that, the poem is kidna everywhere in terms of formatting and sylabls in each line. (sorry my spell check isn't working so I don't know how to spell that word at this moment lol) anywaysssssss! That is really throwing off the rhythem for me and how smoothly the line flows. I'm so sorry but i'm not sure how you should fix that so i can't really give you any suggestions on how to fix it because i am incompitent. Sorry to say
, regardless!
Now for the ending. You started out the last stanza sooooo well:
"I stare into an empty mirror,
and watch the hourglass pass."
This is defnietly the best line of your entire poem. I was dying with anticipation and excitment for a strong last line and then...
"There is no home here"
WHAT!!! AGHHHHHHH This burns me inside because everything was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good and then WHAM! you kinda dropped the ball a little on the end lol. Sorry to say. Well that is all I have to say! This is such a great poem and keep up the good work!!!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh