I was disappointed with this poem when I wrote it months ago. But reading it again tonight made me feel everything all over again. So, I supposed I expressed it well enough to give this a go. Here goes.
Hi there. Hello.
I’m over here,
In the corner.
Hey there! I’m here,
Up on my chair,
Waving in the corner.
Hello! Look here.
Remember me?
The girl you left
Here in the corner.
Remember me?
You left me here
To wait and wave.
Look at me now,
Up waving wild
Atop my chair
Here in your corner.
Look at my skirt
If it were short
Would you see me
Waiting in you corner?
Look at my eyes
Are they too cool
For you to trust
The girl up on her chair?
Look at my lips.
Are they too pale
For you to want
This waving, waiting girl?
Remember me?
I’m still right here
Where you left me
Here in your corner.
Hey! Remember me,
When you look at her,
Over your shoulder,
And in the mirror.
Remember me
When you look
To every place
But where you left me.
Remember you looked
Me in the eye.
Remember you asked
Me to be yours.
Remember that
I am the girl
You said you wanted.
Remember your promise.
I didn’t forget.
(Carmina, if you read this, I am sure you'll want to point out the places I broke from the 4 beat rhythm. I did that on purpose, so it would catch and drag where my thoughts turned hard.)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I don't think these lines really belong:
You left me here
To wait and wave.
First of all, Carmina is right. It's a tragic comedy. But it's tragic, not because it's dripping with angst, but because it is dripping with hope. As soon as the reader sees this, the reader knows that this adoration will go unnoticed. They know the narrator of the poem is screwed. That's what makes it tragic. By adding on these two lines, you undo what you've set up.
Also: "Waiting in you corner?"
Should it be "Waiting in your corner?
Otherwise, good poem. The image was, unfortunately, a little too potent, but in poetry (nay, in writing) that's your goal.
Fine, I won't point out what you told me not to point out. On the whole, another good poem. It is very visual. It conjures a tragic/comic image of someone desperately trying to regain the attention of someone who has chosen to foget her existance. You achieve getting your point across. Only criticism I have is that I think is is longer than it needs to be to get the point across. That is a minor complaint.
I like the sentence flow. But you could be a little more direct.
A great poem as always. The feeling of not wanting to let go of a love that you shared with someone really comes through.
This is quite a nice poem. I loved the hint of bitterness in :
As the poem progresses it gets more and more resentfull and bitter and this, along with the personal aproach which you use, allows us to engage with the poem. We can feel the narrator's disenchantment as she wishes to be acknowleged as she once was:
This is interesting
This is a perfect ending to the poem.
On a technical level I couldn't see anything wrong with it except for in the second stanza:
I think this should be "your".