Tenyo and I wrote this for the Poetry Pairs contest
The sky in this world is a grimmer grey
and the moon is painted a dimmer white.
Everything fills me with a strange kind of
uncertainty.
The eyes of the city scorn my footsteps
and their words weave labyrinths in my mind.
Will it be the same tomorrow?
Could you recognize the city for what it is?
It's a city like any other,
just a little different.
Walls of concrete build their cages
around the words that lie in cradles,
blinded by the city lights.
The words themselves
are wrapped in thorns,
made up of
complex grammar rules.
And the only thing inside my head
that sings above the chaos;
Je ne comprends pas.
The only sentence you truly know.
You wish you knew the others.
It's like an orchestra that’s been re-arranged
and the bass section replaced with
a round of accordions.
Half formed sentences, and a melody
I’ve never heard before.
Muttered fragments,
awkward phrases lingering on the tongue.
Muted silences, uncertain glances
and someone saying
Je t’aime, Je t’aime.
Everything's changed.
Nothing seems the same anymore.
Everything is harder and more scary.
Will you ever feel at home?
You imagine the words flowing like water.
That's all it is, imagination.
You wish you could understand,
but every time
the words slip away from you,
like dry sand,
through trembling fingers.
Mixed up words,
like pieces of memories.
Like broken toys
and shattered dolls
and treasures lost
somewhere in translation.
What did you say?
You manage to catch fragments,
fragile little things that you store,
afraid that they will slip out
at any moment.
And a tired look in the only eyes
that look at me as if
I'm not just passing through.
He says
Je t’aime, Je t’aime.
And like always, I say;
Je ne comprends pas.
Maybe you'll understand,
tomorrow,
a year from now,
someday.
Voulez-vous comprendre?
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Canary word: Present
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Hello! Sorry about the wait! I wanted to get a few things done quick, and then I was also in panic mode due to the scary wasp friend here. But I'm here, so no worries!
I don't usually nitpick, but I feel like there are some amazing opportunities here that you could take advantage of. So here are some suggestions:
The first line has awesome alliteration, so I think you can totally benefit from doing the same in the second.
Same here! Either try for alliteration or rhyme. The R in "cradles" got in the way, so play with this a bit maybe!
Not sure if I like the random "thorns" metaphor. Perhaps tie more city metaphor into this. Or the toy/childish metaphor you have later with the dolls and treasure.
It'd be cool if you played with these phrases as well. And perhaps a line break? See what you come up with.
It'd be cool if we just ended this on "tomorrow" or "someday."
----
So a couple things I'm unsure about!
First, I'm not sure why a stranger is saying "I love you" to a tourist. I've never been to France or anything, so maybe they do that. o_O
I really like the italics vs normal font. It kinda wraps the reader right into the poem! I think there were some italicized stanzas that went too long though and overshadowed the print. I think reducing the italics to just a couple lines would be a little more creepy. :3
The random foreign language in poems never really appeals to me unless the reader can tell what it means. For instance, have the stanza or the lead-in to the French define what those words mean. The "I love you" French phrase could be easily described by someone who was showing some sort of compassion or sweet action/emotion. Hopefully that makes sense? Otherwise, the language is just random words. Even the "I don't understand" was foreign to me, as the reader. This includes that last line. Though I'm not sure if you can lead into that at all and make sense of it to the reader? You can think of something probably! If not, I wouldn't have it. But I do really like how it finishes the poem anyway, so I'm at a loss!
Furthermore on the French, I notice you apologized for bad French. I don't speak it, but if you don't feel confident with your French, you probably should either get a French-speaking member to review this for you or just not use it at all (or use something you do know). It's like me apologizing for bad English and asking an African to review it anyway. Won't do much unless that African understands English well enough to fix my bad English.
That's all I have to say though! I like the idea of this poem, so I think some tweaks could really improve it!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hi, Idraax and Tenyo!
I'm here, as requested. I just had a few quick comments!
So, this was an interesting little poem, and it conjures up vivid and surreal images that are fascinating to think about, especially at the beginning. However, there was something a little off about this poem that prevented me from enjoying it as much as I feel like I should.
First, what's with the french? It's kind of cool that it's there, but it doesn't really add anything to the poem, and for one that does not know french, it will probably just get clunky and confusing.
I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve with the italics either. Is there supposed to be a pattern to it, or are you just trying to seem fancy? Either way, it's distracting and kind of clunky -- I would delete it.
As a whole, I'm not really sure what this poem is about or what you were trying to achieve with it. The imagery, while beautiful, just isn't strong enough to hold my attention. You start off well but then seem to loose yourself. Remember, when it comes to poetry, focus on the overall story you want to tell or the image you want to create. Then, focus on making it look pretty.
I hope this helps! Feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions. Good luck in the contest, both of you!
~ Elinor
Thank you! The italics also differentiate who wrote what part.
Thanks for catching the type o!
[First off I really liked this and I think the imagery and the atmosphere you created was brilliant. As poetry it's broken but that's what makes me love it, it really goes with what you've written, a slightly imperfect world that you can't quite understand. Now for a few nitpicks.
I won't go through everything' but for me the formatting was a little off, like in the example above. I also think you need some commas in some places, instead of full stops, like here
;
where you have the full stop ,shouldn't it be a comma? 'like dry sand, through trembling fingers.' I don't think it'd make sense otherwise.
Also, I think - it's your choice anyway - that you need to decide on an amount of lines in each stanza, some are six and others ar three.
On a brighter note I loved how you added the parts in itallic, it gave the reader a sense of connection to the piece. My favourite
stanzapart was this one;quote="Idraax"]The only sentence you truly know.
You wish you knew the others.
It's like an orchestra that’s been re-arranged
and the bass section replaced with
a round of accordions.
Half formed sentences, and a melody
I’ve never heard before.
Muttered fragments,
awkward phrases lingering on the tongue.
Muted silences, uncertain glances
and someone saying
Je t’aime, Je t’aime.[/quote]
~Tinkem