• Home

Young Writers Society


12+

Fairy Tales: 7-9

by IamI


Masque

It was raining outside and a man stood, unremembering, with great ballroom doors to his back. They were closed. All the men and women in the room wore masks, some painted in eye wrenching colors, others covered in gaudy jewelry. Others were plain gray. All had simple, statuesque faces with gleaming black eyes that stared out blankly.

He weaved his way through the crowd of black-clad men and women. When he reached the center of the room, marked by a ring of pale blue stone, he realized that his footsteps ringing through the ballroom were the only sounds he could hear. He was startled to find one of the masked figures staring at him from the opposite edge of the circle. She seemed of an age with him. She began to walk towards the center. The man moved towards the woman with hesitant steps, meeting her at the center of the circle. The masked girl was perhaps a foot shorter than he was so he had to look down in order to meet the mask’s black eyes.

“You can take it off,” she laughed; he started hearing the voice and as the girl continued it struck him that her voice didn’t echo in the room like it should have. “I don’t bite.”

He brought his hands to either side of the bottom of the mask. He took the mask off. She had no mouth or eyes. The mask clattered to the floor as he spun around and ran out of the room.

“Wait!” Her desperate voice rang out in his head as he fumbled with the doors. “I just want to dance!”

The man did his best to ignore the voice in his head as he left the ballroom. The sky was only a few shades brighter than the gray than the ceiling of the ballroom. He barely had time to notice the oppressive humidity and only noticed the metallic scent of fallen rain as his breathing quickened. There was a balcony outside the doors to the ballroom, stone staircases curved down from either side like horns; with jerky movements he descended the right staircase. And paced down the street.

“Please!” He looked back and saw the faceless girl run down the stairs and follow him. The man quickened his pace still more.

The crowd was thin but thickened as he distanced himself from the ballroom. He sought the shadow of the cathedral that dominated the skyline—a chiseled mountain of impossible proportions. He shot a glance over his shoulder and saw that the woman (was she woman?) was still following him. Only the children seemed to see her face, marking their sight with screams, shudders, and bawling.

“Please! Wait! I just want to talk! Please…” he sprinted into the cathedral and shut the doors behind him. The cavern was full of empty benches and the echo of the slammed doors mingled with the scuffling of his footsteps and his heavy breathing. As he stepped to the altar the air felt like a song that abruptly ended on a dominant chord—a silence scream to be broken, even as the ghost of the resolving chord that ought to have been there rang like darkening fog. The sun shone through a circle of blue dyed glass set high above the altar. The light beaming through made the cavern look like the sea.























Three queens

In the twofold morning shadows of a green valley and a great old castle there stood a large town. On this morning the shades upon the town were threefold and the third of these shades was the shade of mourning, for the king had died in the night. And so the kingdom was inherited by the three princesses, each named by the dwellers of the town for the color of the crowns they wore.

The oldest of these queens was called the red queen, though the only red that could be found on her were the rubies in her golden crown. She wore simple brown dresses and her eyes were dark blue. In the second year of her reign she (to the great mortification of the town) married a woman, A poet of good repute in her life and work. She was also a woman of great beauty and her marriage stung many of her previous suitors.

One of these suitors married the middle sister at the end of the third year. This sister was more justly named the blue queen, for her silver crown was adorned with small chains that had on their ends sapphires colored the same deep blue as her eyes. She was a woman known for her love of books. And it was she who ordered schools built. She was the closest advisor to the red queen, who valued her advice above all but that of her wife. The blue queen was also the only one who could cool the temper of the youngest queen.

The youngest of these queens was called the gray queen, though she vehemently demanded to be called a king. At any rate, the citizenry christened her well, for she was gray eyed and wore a wrought iron crown of simple workmanship upon her blond haired head. She wore also polished silver armor becoming of a valiant knight. The crown was last worn by a general, more than thirty winters lost or dead, who left it as a promise of his return. Her bearing of this crown garnered her note among the old army men who still remembered a time when the soldiers were not fat and drunk. Indeed, few of the citizens would deny that either were worn badly or worn unearned. It was she who ordered the walls that once surrounded the town remade. This was begun and finished in the first year of her reign with her sisters.

She had no wife or husband. Malicious rumors, however, insisted that she had many lovers. In the second year of her rule she embarked with a newly trained army out of the valley and returned with great plunder and joyful news of conquest. When autumn fell upon the valley in this second year there was much triumph. This joy however, was not to last, and in the spring of her next year she went off to begin another campaign. All that returned of her was a tearful messenger who brought with him news of her death and her rent crown. This news and the broken crown sowed many seeds of anger and started low mutinous grumblings. She was the most loved by the citizens, who all greatly valued action over words, no matter how valuable those words may have been.

It did not help that the red queen was reputed for strictness and rumored to be unfair. It was also rumored that she rarely listened to anyone other than her wife. And the blue queen had withdrawn completely by the winter of the fourth year to be utterly and sickeningly subservient to her husband (which caused the red queen great concern, for the man was of ill repute and seen by her to be greedy and a braggart). The Blue Queen died mysteriously in the spring of the fourth year.

It was at this time the grumblings began, all of which questioned the value of a woman in power. Thus, the former husband of the blue queen rose to prominence and came to the queen with a hidden dagger. He had no fear of the guards, for, since the death of the gray queen, they had grown complacent, drunk, and greedy once again. He had bribed also the cupbearer, for he knew the red queen’s wife would never murder her beloved.

And so he entered the castle under the pretense of an audience. The red queen drank leisurely from her wine glass before speaking, as was her way. And with that deathly sip the poison coursed through her veins. She slumped back, dead, within moments. The wife of the queen let out a despairing cry. Her lament was cut short when the man drew the knife out of his coat and lunged at her and drove the blade into her chest.

With this act he ascended to the throne. He ruled for a month and a day before being cut down by discontented citizens. Next to the throne rose his son, but he was an imbecile and so was cut down after only four weeks. The throne next was taken by an old general, a veteran of the gray queen’s wars. This general did much good: he rebuilt the walls, which had again fallen into disrepair. The citizens were content. But this calm, like the silence before a storm, was not to last. This king died in the night. The next king was a tyrant and was felled in the third month of his reign.

Things continued roughly in this manner for a year and five months; so when the conquering armies from unknown lands poured down into the valley, the town was so declined that the citizens had no hope of repulsing this army And it was only when their general, a woman with fierce amber eyes and hair, cut the head of the last sobbing man, that the town was finally at rest.

































Flowers

There was a woman, left to herself in an old stone tower centered in a forest. It was a tall tower, straining its gray form at the sky from where it sat, anchored in the center of a spring glade. The woman (she had long ago figured she was a sort of royalty) would not be often found outside in the afternoon; her habit was to lock herself in her room and stare and wonder at the horizon where the sun rose, and where in later hours lashes of smoke would billow to the clouds. The lashes were ever present in the winter and autumn times; they seemed unwilling to linger in the spring and summer days, sometimes keeping their transient mood through the early fall.

She was a young woman, given to winding between trees in the light of the early sun and more sombre ones in the failing light of the early evening. Thus was her life, a routine as unfettered as a well oiled clock. It broke sometimes (as all clocks, even those tenderly kept, might) to rain or snow and rarely did she leave in the icy heart of winter. But spring, it seemed to her, was a perfect time; the clock had only broken once this year. When a blustering storm that brought rain down in sheets like plates of iron, lit like curtains of pale fire for a heartbeat by the blinding lightning that arced across the sky. The woman remembered that storm, it was unlike the sun showers that had come before, and it had lasted. A doubly broken clock for that, graying the sky from the silvery dawn to ashy dusk. But rain had always drowsed her and she woke the next morning and wound about the forest as she always had, enjoying it more for the scents of rain.

Such was the turning of the habitual cogs of her routine. They turned like wheels; these wheels (though they often turned without resistance) hit a bump on the following morning, in the middle of spring, where she woke and stepped down the stairs with the grace of a half-lucid swan (She looked the part, with her white morning gown that lightly draped her form and slid down the stairs like pearly water. It was silk, as smooth against her skin as she could wish) to open the door. It was a heavy door, built of oak planks and banded by black iron, and it grumbled open slowly. The woman was surprised to see the path from her door lined with roses laid gently down with neat gaps of emerald grass between unfurled crimson buds and the bottoms of thorned stems. They marched in a neatly gapped line to where the path faded into the green grass.

The image haunted her on her wind through the woods and did leave her when she walked down the path (now marked with the scarlet roses) to her door. The image followed her into her stone tower and up the stairs and sat with her on her bed. When the shadows grew long towards the east she resolved to bring the roses in. She spent her descent estimating the number pricks she would have after she was done. Once she got about her task she finished in the early twilight hours. She brought them up to her windowsill in bouquets of three. She got a few pinpricks, but they healed soon after and she closed her eyes that night with a feeling of satisfaction.

The next morning there were more roses neatly bordering the path away from the front door, as regularly spaced as before. She smiled as she picked them up this time, wondering at her admirer, painting images of great men with great blowing capes and hair in her mind as she carried the roses in. By the time she had finished the sun was beaming down from its peak in the cloudless pale sky. She went up to her room and rested with her thoughts as she looked out the window until the eastward stretching shadows beckoned her out.

This was largely the manner in which the third day proceeded until the afternoon, when the thought came to her to wait out of sight of her admirer. This thought resolved itself in her mind first into a certainty, then into a given. With her mind settled on her general course, she began laying plans. By the end she had laid a labyrinth of backups and contingencies. As the shadows lengthened and called she almost laughed when she realized how unnecessary her labyrinth of plans was. She quickly left it in favor of a straight, simple path: She would go out into the fading day and wait in the moon-shade for her suitor. She left for her stroll at her everyday time; but rather than return after completing her usual route she stood in the forest, deep enough to be curtained away by shadows if prying eyes were to look her way, but close enough to see the tower and the path clearly. The twilight came, then the dusk, her eyes growing heavier by the hour. The night was silent and the sound of rustling footsteps dispelled much of her wariness; she stared at the tower and the path. There was no great man on horseback, bearing roses in a lengthy promenade. It was a woman (even at her distance in the uncertain moonlight she could tell that much), with the roses bundled in her arms. With each new rose placed, a wall came crashing down, with every moment, her imaginings seemed more and more presumptuous. When the silhouette had finished her work, she sprinted back the way she had come.

The woman walked back to her tower in a daze. She tried to adhere to her usual routine, undressing and laying down in her bed as she always did, but the silhouette of the woman, nervously hunched with a great bouquet of roses held in her arms, haunted her sleepless mind. She eventually slept; the only thing that indicated that was that she woke. Her eyes were sleepy, through her groggy haze there pierced one certainty A letter, I must write a letter. So was her thought and her action: She took a paper and sat at the small desk next to her bed and wrote thusly: ‘To my admirer,’ she began ‘I have seen you; I watched you lay the roses out upon my path yesterday, I return your love with my own.’ then she signed her name ‘Avalyne’ when she had finished, she leaned back and sighed. She stood and paced the length of her room, waiting for the ink to dry. As she traced and retraced her line, a thousand revisions whirled through her head. But when the ink had dried and she looked through her words she was relieved. The words fit her meaning perfectly.

Avalyne walked out of her room and down the stairs to her door. She pushed it open with her empty hand, it squealed open with its usual sluggishness. She found a stone to weigh her words down against the wind. The stone she chose was a remarkably smooth one that fit neatly in her palm. Once she had chosen the stone to her liking she returned to the door that led into the tower. When she was at the foot of the door (which, by then had closed itself) she bowed down and placed the two things she held, first the paper, then, still holding the letter down with her thumb, she placed the stone. With all of the possible actions she could have taken completed, she pushed the door open and, stepping carefully over her letter, walked back into her tower.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
118 Reviews

Points: 7737
Reviews: 118

Donate
Tue Sep 28, 2021 6:55 pm
Coffeeboyjay wrote a review...



hi @IamI jay here leaving a review for you

first off in the short story it reminds of a disney movie Cinderella cause when you say fairy tale thats all i can think of is cinderella but yea i have a good line from the short story One of these suitors married the middle sister at the end of the third year. This sister was more justly named the blue queen, for her silver crown was adorned with small chains that had on their ends sapphires colored the same deep blue as her eyes. She was a woman known for her love of books. And it was she who ordered schools built. She was the closest advisor to the red queen, who valued her advice above all but that of her wife. The blue queen was also the only one who could cool the temper of the youngest queen. like this was my favorite part i read and i loved so much and would read again


Second my compliment in the story was its giving me disney vibes cause i watch disney movies with fairy tales why not say its my compliment cause its my onion in the story what i know and what is my compliment in the story


3rd and what you could of improve is do like fairy tales people love to hear about is fairy tales and me i im glad that i had a chance to read this and left you a review and i im happy that i found a story like this it was really good

4th and what i didn't like was he brought his hands to either side of the bottom of the mask. He took the mask off. She had no mouth or eyes. The mask clattered to the floor as he spun around and ran out of the room. but fairytales some of the princes be not having no masks on like they dance with there princess or queens without them but this is your story and i cant tell you what you do with that story


but i had enjoy your story and thxs for the fairytale story keep writing by Jay~




User avatar
459 Reviews

Points: 24142
Reviews: 459

Donate
Sat Aug 28, 2021 2:49 am
Liminality wrote a review...



Hi IamI! These were a picturesque and atmospheric set of fairy tales. I like that each seemed to happen in a whole little world of its own.

Characters

In general, I thought the characters were memorable enough, given the short length and the nature of fairy tales to depict general archetypes rather than super in-depth and realistic people. The appearances of the ‘Three queens’ stuck out to me the most, maybe because they were the most vibrant. In terms of personality, though, I thought Avalyne ended up being the most familiar, as the whole of ‘Flowers’ takes place from her perspective and I felt that I had gotten to know her for longer than the queens or the people in ‘Masque’.

Masque

“You can take it off,” she laughed; he started hearing the voice and as the girl continued it struck him that her voice didn’t echo in the room like it should have. “I don’t bite.”


I like that from the beginning, this line of dialogue shows that the girl has a very human desire for company and acceptance, but also that the man doesn’t perceive her as being human or normal, especially with the narration “it struck him”. Although the ending is a little ambiguous, I like to think with the peaceful imagery in the last two lines, “like the sea” and the sun shining, the girl never meant him any harm and left once he entered the cathedral. I can’t tell very much about the man’s personality, though, as his fear is the only thing that seems obvious in the story. Do you think the tale would benefit for some characterisation moments for the man? For instance, hearing his thoughts on the other ball-goers or maybe describing more of what he wears to suggest his personality.

The three queens

This one had the largest number of characters out of the bunch. Which character roles did you consider the most important or conceptualised first when you thought of this idea? I personally thought the gray queen/king seemed to be the most important.

The oldest of these queens was called the red queen, though the only red that could be found on her were the rubies in her golden crown.


I like the irony in the red queen’s name/title. When I first read this description, I got the sense that maybe she wasn’t really into being queen from the way she dressed in “simple brown dresses” and was nicknamed only for the jewels in her crown. A nice bit of foreshadowing there!

One of these suitors married the middle sister at the end of the third year.

The fact that the blue queen’s husband was at first courting the red queen suggests to me that the marriage was for power, not for love, so the way he turns out to be later on makes sense.

She was the closest advisor to the red queen, who valued her advice above all but that of her wife. The blue queen was also the only one who could cool the temper of the youngest queen.


The blue queen seems to be an intermediary between the red queen and the gray queen (king?). I wonder if she was very saddened by her sister’s death, and that’s what caused the change in her personality?

It was she who ordered the walls that once surrounded the town remade. This was begun and finished in the first year of her reign with her sisters.


I think that this shows how efficient she is, suggesting her being the only archetype who is good at ruling on her own.

Flowers

(she had long ago figured she was a sort of royalty)


This makes me curious as to how she figured that out, but also gives me the sense that she’s a smart character.

The image haunted her . . . The image followed her


I got the sense that seeing the flowers threw her for a bit of a loop, especially considering how established her monotonous life was with all that clock imagery.

She spent her descent estimating the number pricks she would have after she was done.


great men with great blowing capes and hair in her mind


These two quotes sort of show she spends a lot of time caught up in her own thoughts. Her actions as a whole seem very meticulous and well, ‘clock-like’. Even without it explicitly being said that she follows a routine, I think her action of bundling up all the roses by her windowsill would have conveyed that.

But when the ink had dried and she looked through her words she was relieved. The words fit her meaning perfectly.


I like the subtle character development here. After accepting that the admirer was different than she expected, she seems to start going with the flow more. Still, she continues to overthink the letter before realising it was unnecessary, which makes it a realistic amount of development to happen just based on one event, if you asked me.

Plot

I think ‘The three queens’ was the most plot-heavy out of the three here. In ‘Masque’, and ‘Flowers’, the sequence of events is relatively simple: there is an expectation, a reveal and then an action taken by the protagonist. Between the two, I thought that ‘Flowers’ had a more satisfying narrative because Avalyne seemed to have changed by the end of the story. ‘Masque’ could work as a sort of horror folk tale, though I didn’t personally find the masked girl very frightening.

Masque

it struck him that her voice didn’t echo in the room like it should have.


This, with the earlier comments about sound behaving in an unnatural way, was a good build-up to the reveal that the girl isn’t a regular human, I think. I was able to anticipate it and get the spooky vibes.

He brought his hands to either side of the bottom of the mask. He took the mask off.


I wonder why he didn’t move away or try to escape just then, if he could already sense that something was wrong. Does the girl perhaps have some kind of magnetic power that compelled him to do what she said?

The ending of this story, like I said earlier, seems open to interpretation. I think that could work for a horror story, though if it was intended for this tale to convey some sort of lesson, perhaps a closed ending, like switching points of view to the girl outside might be more effective.

I think most of the horror here comes from the atmosphere. For instance, the girl’s voice not having an echo, and also the dark overcast sky gave me the creeps. But the girl’s desperate pleas didn’t come across as very threatening, though, and the peaceful ending gave me the sense that perhaps the man and the children outside were misguided in being afraid of her . . . Though maybe that’s just me.


The three queens

I like how the story begins with the king dying, as that gives a good starting point for the tale of the three queens’ reign. Although the next three paragraphs describe the queens, I thought there was a sense of chronological progression, since it started with the oldest queen, and also had some references to time like “married . . . at the end of the third year”. It was a bit confusing though, once we got to the gray queen’s paragraph, since the last sentence of hers jumps back to the “first year” of the three queens’ reign.

The crown was last worn by a general, more than thirty winters lost or dead, who left it as a promise of his return.


This seems to foreshadow the ending to me. As though this crown, associated with military power, has some kind of ‘life cycle’ wherever it goes.

Next to the throne rose his son, but he was an imbecile and so was cut down after only four weeks.


This line made me laugh, but we do get very few details I think on how the two men ruled. It’s a bit difficult to think of them as being imbecilic when it’s just an informed attribute. I’d imagine illustrating some imbecilic deeds might make it easier to picture. Tearing down the wall the gray queen built perhaps? The same I think applies to the tyrant king later on. Does he ruin the schools built by the blue queen? Or ban all art and poetry from the region? Giving a bit more detail on what exactly the kings do I think could help make this paragraph a bit more vivid.

And it was only when their general, a woman with fierce amber eyes and hair, cut the head of the last sobbing man, that the town was finally at rest.


I interpreted this as some kind of reincarnation of the gray queen coming back to take her throne, in line with that ‘cyclic’ motif I mentioned earlier on. Blond and amber are pretty close in colour, after all. Still, it makes me wonder if the town will really return to its former prosperity, since this new gray queen does not seem to be arriving with a counterpart blue queen to do things other than military affairs.

Flowers

The beginning of this one starts off at a meandering pace. I wasn’t quite sure where it was going at first. It’s not bad by any means, I enjoyed reading the descriptions, though it definitely felt like it was setting up a much longer story than it ended up being (I think a long opening tends to suggest a longer story).

She smiled as she picked them up this time, wondering at her admirer, painting images of great men with great blowing capes and hair in her mind as she carried the roses in.


I thought the specific image she thought of in her head seemed to foreshadow the main point of the story, which was her expectation being subverted.

Overall, this story seemed a lot more introspective than the others, which makes it a bit difficult for me to comment on plot points aside form the arc of character development I described in the section above.

Setting

As a whole, these three each seem to be set in their own universe. But the sense of ‘timelessness’ and the unspecific location binds them together and also makes them seem like fairy tales. I think the scarceness of dialogue and lack of neologisms or modern-sounding slang in said dialogue helps to create that atmosphere.

Masque

The setting of this story in a town or city area with large stone buildings helps the spooky atmosphere. Having the cathedral appear at the end was also pretty striking (and also, perhaps shows that this area is larger than a village, hence why there’s a masque happening there).

The three queens

Time period felt more specific in this one than the others, but the setting still felt like it could take place ‘anywhere’. It gave Medieval European vibes, but at the same time the vivid colours made it feel like it was in a different world than ours, so very fairy-tale-like. I thought that having the town be located in a valley gave it a nice context, as I think valleys tend to be associated with prosperity, which reflects the way the town was during the early reign of the three queens.

Flowers

This one seems to be set in an isolated forest, with just Avalyne’s tower there. I like how the descriptions almost seem to focus on just Avalyne and the weather, along with how it affects the surrounding natural environment, as that gives the sense of monotony that characterises her life until the roses start showing up. How she starts interacting with the environment more, like picking up the stones later on, also contrasts with that nicely, showing that she’s taking action and things are beginning to move.

Style

Masque

The masked girl was perhaps a foot shorter than he was so he had to look down in order to meet the mask’s black eyes.


I liked this detail. It helped me picture the silhouettes of the two main characters, even if the details of their appearances don’t get filled in until later on.

“You can take it off,” she laughed; he started hearing the voice and as the girl continued it struck him that her voice didn’t echo in the room like it should have. “I don’t bite.”
He brought his hands to either side of the bottom of the mask. He took the mask off. She had no mouth or eyes.


In this bit, it wasn’t clear to me at first that “it” referred to the girl’s mask and not the man’s, though that’s what seems to be the case. Maybe using “my mask” instead might be help get rid of that potential confusion?

The three queens

In the twofold morning shadows of a green valley and a great old castle there stood a large town. On this morning the shades upon the town were threefold and the third of these shades was the shade of mourning, for the king had died in the night.


I found it a bit difficult to visualise this fraction/numerical imagery as applied to shadows on a valley. Are the numbers relevant to the story somehow? Like with there being ‘three’ queens? Or do you think it would be better if this opening line was more scenic, for example if it compared the shadows to specific colours (think mint green versus sage green)?

Flowers

She was a young woman, given to winding between trees in the light of the early sun . . .


I liked this part of that line in particular. It seems very whimsical, as if wandering through the woods is just in this person’s nature, which suits the sort of ambiguous, timeless setting of this tale.

where in later hours lashes of smoke would billow to the clouds

I wonder why ‘lashes’ of smoke? Is the smoke really fast-moving, like a whip?

With all of the possible actions she could have taken completed, she pushed the door open and, stepping carefully over her letter, walked back into her tower.


This ending line seems very poetic. I like that it drags on a little, kind of like a scene fading away. The return to the tower marks of an ‘ending point’ which gives me some kind of closure, even if we don’t get to see the admirer’s reaction to the letter.

That's all

Overall, ‘Flowers’ was my favourite one of these, if only because I’m a sucker for character-driven narratives and character development. I did find all of them interesting to read. I thought you’ve improved a lot in terms of prose and keeping the plots succinct and ‘fitting’ for a fairy tale since the last time I reviewed one of these sets, so great work on that!
Hopefully some of these comments are helpful to you. Keep writing! <3

Cheers,
-Lim




User avatar
580 Reviews

Points: 144
Reviews: 580

Donate
Fri Aug 27, 2021 4:04 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



I enjoyed reading these stories.I thought they were very original and entertaining.My favorite story was the one about the three Queens.That story was powerful and showed us,the readers,what happens when the rightful heirs to the throne die.Chaos takes place until someone sets things right.Good job and keep on writing!




User avatar
639 Reviews

Points: 77074
Reviews: 639

Donate
Wed Aug 25, 2021 4:21 am
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I will start on the first story. Your introduction was very intriguing and your descriptions were truly beautiful. I liked how they got more developed towards the end, like a camera focusing on the scene after the characters have left. What really interested me was the general theme of the story. Usually when we read fairy tales, we expect happy endings and rainbows. However there was this seriousness to the story, this grave undertone that made it so much deeper than your usual story.

The sky was only a few shades brighter than the gray than the ceiling of the ballroom.


You repeat the term "than the" twice in this sentence. I feel that is a typo, and you don't need the second one.

She seemed of an age with him.


The construction of this sentence feels a little awkward. Maybe you could rewrite it a little differently. "She seemed to be the same age as him"?

2nd story - This story was more about the characters and I think you handled it deftly. Each character had their own characteristics and you really brought them to life with your simple descriptions. I liked how every one differed from each other and how those differences affected the people as a whole. I like how you really go off the conventional path and give each story it's own voice. Like the red queen marrying a woman, or the people cherishing the grey queen, a woman, as their rightful ruler, you bring forth many important messages.

In the second year of her reign she (to the great mortification of the town) married a woman, A poet of good repute in her life and work.


There is a typo here. The 'A' before 'poet' is in upper case for no reason.

3rd story - Again, you go off the tried and tested paths of fairy tales, and that is something I really like about these stories. Your descriptions in this one were very expressive and beautiful. You put so much life in just simply describing the routine of the woman or the simple change of seasons. The use of your language makes me certain that you are great at period pieces and historical fictions. The paragraphs in this story were a little too long and I think you should break them up into smaller pieces. Otherwise it gets a little difficult to read. Also, I feel like you don't really need all the brackets you use. You can simply fit all that in the mainstream text with a little rewriting.

The image haunted her on her wind through the woods and did leave her when she walked down the path (now marked with the scarlet roses) to her door.


I think you are missing a 'not ' here after 'did'. Otherwise the meaning of the sentence does not really match with the context.

She smiled as she picked them up this time, wondering at her admirer,


I think the 'it' will be better replaced as 'about' here - "wondering about her admirer".

She spent her descent estimating the number pricks she would have after she was done.


You are missing a 'of' here after 'number'. It will be "the number 'of' pricks".

That's all. Out of the three, I have to say, my favorite was the first one. There was something very somber about the woman's desperation in it, her loneliness and society's rejection of her. It made me empathize on a deeper level.

All these stories were really good. Keep up the good work and I hope you have a great day!




IamI says...


Thanks for your review! something that jumped out at me when I read it was that you recommended I remove the parentheses in the last story. I sent that story to a magazine and it came back with the same recommendation. Something I was wondering about was whether the revelation of the main character's name in 'flowers' changed how you related to the main character. I have hunch that we engage more with the characters more if we know their names, I just want to know if that happened or not.
I appreciate the feedback!
Have a great day!



RandomTalks says...


To be honest, I myself was wondering about the sudden inclusion of the name in "flowers", I wanted to ask you if there was some significance there that you had tried to imply and I had missed, but apparently I forgot. I personally have written a lot of stories without really giving the characters a name. Not naming them makes the character just another person in the world like you and I, and I think that makes them more relatable. However not everyone agrees to that!




Be led by your talent and not by your self-loathing ... everything beautiful in the world is within you.
— Russell Brand