Chapter 1
A guard was doing his rounds around the castle, when he heard a voice crying in the distance, he looked into the fog trying to see where the voice was coming from, the figure began to take the shape of a woman as it got closer. He quickly climbed down the ladder, went around to the gate and grabbed a torch off of the wall. Squinting his eyes, he looked into the fog and the figure kept walking towards the tower.
“Hello, are you lost?” yelled the guard.
The figure was now clearly a woman. She wore a black cloak that covered her face. Instead of replying, she began to hum a tune and the guard’s teeth chattered and a chill ran down his spine. She began to sway as she got closer, and her hum evolved into a song.
“Sultana, come quick!” he whispered hoarsely.
The soldier got up from his seat and approached the guard.
“What is it, mate? Said Sultana.
The guard, confused, stammered, “There is a woman in the fog. I asked if she was lost but she did not reply. Did you hear the singing?”
The soldier shook his head, “You are seeing things again. I don't see anyone, take it easy.”
Sultana turned around and saw something walk past the doorway. He reached for his sword and walked that way.
“Hello? Who’s there?” he called out, walking across the hallway.
The young guard trembled in fear as he looked around. He backed up against the gate, scanning the area, until he heard a woman singing from behind, her warm breath tickling his neck, her voice singing into his ears. Slowly he turned around, and saw her as she stood behind the gate. In panic, he shoved the torch into her face.
“Who are you?” he murmured.
The woman grinned and sang, “Down, down they went!” Sultana heard a scream and ran back to see what was going on. On the ground lied the young guard with his eyeballs fried out of his socket, his mouth was wide open and was missing his tongue. Sultana looked around, but no one was in sight, some soldiers came to the scene as they heard the scream as well.
“What happened here?” Asked Commander Claude.
He looked at the boy lying dead on the ground.
“He said he saw a woman, but I saw nobody and I walked away. But then I heard a scream and when I came back--” Sultana started but Commander Claude interrupted him and shouted:
“No matter! Find the wizard!” (Impossible! There’s no way! Thought the Commander. ) “Search the place. You and you--he pointed to two soldiers --with me. We must get to Willard, now! Move out!”
Worried about the Governor’s safety, Sultana ran across the courtyard and rallied a few men to come with him. They hurried up some stairs and down a hall towards the Governor’s tower where he is resting.
Two guards are posted in front of the Governor’s door. A cold chill ran down their spine making them quiver,
“Did you feel that?” asked the guard to the other.
The other guard nodded his head. They ignored the feeling and remained at their post.
In the bedroom, a man heard whispers coming from the other side of his bedroom door, and woke up from his sleep. Gently rubbing his eyes , he got out of his bed, put on his slippers and reached for his glasses, and walked towards the door. When he opened the door, he found a woman standing by the fireplace. The wood ignited into flames to reveal the woman’s form, then she slowly turned her head to the side.
“Hello Luther.” She started, sending a chill down his spine.
“Who are you? How did you get inside my room? Where are my guards?” he asked, straightening his glasses.
She took off her hood to reveal half of her face and slowly turned around. Her face was covered in burns and scars. Her eyes were hollow and her head was covered in peach fuzz. She was nearly bald. The man gasped and stood still.
Paralyzed in fear, he gasped at the horrid sight “Impossible!” he muttered.
She walked over to a corner and looked at a painting on the wall. The painting was a portrait of Luther and his family. The woman ran her finger over the painting.
“What a beautiful family…” she muttered, smiling, “And you have a daughter now. How old is she?” He was unable to reply, and the woman continued, “She’s seventeen, am I right, Luther? It’s sad how your family can just be easily taken away from you any time. Do you love your wife? Your daughter?” Her finger stopped on the daughter and wife in the painting and it disintegrated. Suddenly she felt overwhelmed with anger and shouted, “How would you feel if it all was taken from you? The things precious to you, if they were taken away, how would you feel Luther? How would you feel!!”
The outburst startled him, causing the man to stumble to the ground.
“A freak, the devil, and Satan’s daughter-- they give me all these names.” She hissed, “They took her away from me, and I want her back.” She said.
She grabbed Luther and threw him across the room, screaming, “Where is the girl?!”
Luther fell to the ground, gasping in pain. However, before the pain could fade away, he was lifted again, and slammed against the wall.
“Where is she?! Where is she, Luther!” She screamed.
“I don’t know who you’re talking about!” Luther cried out in fear.
“The Lorainian child! Where is she?!”
Once again, Luther was thrown against the wall, and this time he didn't get up. He laid there moaning in pain. The woman laughed and slowly walked over to him, “You shouldn't lie Luther, and it isn’t good for the soul. I’m going to ask you once more, where is she?” she said, calmly. Luther struggled to crawl away, but she picked him up and slammed his back against the wall, he cried out in agony.
“Tell me Luther, tell the truth now and I'll let you go.” She said, deceivingly.
Just then, soldiers banged on the door.
“Sir, what going on in there?!” A soldier called out. He tried to open the door but the woman hissed a spell and locked the door.
“That way we won't get interrupted.” She said, with an evil smile—“Now tell me, Luther!”
The soldiers banged against the door calling out “We're coming sir!”
Luther, unable to see clearly from being thrown against the walls, but noticed his desk beside him. The woman noticed him eying something and said “What are you looking” — before she could finish, Luther yelled “Sho-licus-torin!” A magical force pushed the woman back and into a wall, and Luther fell to the floor. The woman and yelled angrily “How dare you?!”
Luther struggled to crawl to his desk and reached under it. He grabbed a piece of paper and started to recite a spell. The woman walked over to Luther lifted him up with her power and commanded him to come forward.
“You're pitiful, that won't work on me fool. I gave you a choice, tell me where the girl is and I'll let you go, but you chose to protect the girl instead of yourself, how foolish.” She grabbed his head and blew black smoke into his face. Luther began to scream in agony as and his face began to sizzle and burn.
The Commander ran with his soldiers followed by the wizard Willard to the scene.
“Someone is inside with the Governor!” yelled Luther’s guard.
Willard muttered a spell under his breath and the door flew open. They found Luther on the ground and a woman in the window. She looked over at the men and laughed. She then disappeared. Her laugh echoed through the room.
“No, she’s gone!” said Claude.
Willard walked over to the window and looked around. He stood there whereas Claude fell to his knees beside Luther.
“How is it possible? It’s not possible….” Sputtered Luther. He was trembling in pain and his face still sizzling from the woman’s acid.
Moments later, soldiers brought a blanket, covered his body and wrapped him up and carried him away. Claude walked over to the old man who had his feet propped up on the governor’s desk. He was smoking a pot and stroking his beard.
“Willard, how did this happen? I thought she was dead.” asked Claude, confused and frustrated.
Willard took a puff and sighed and shook his head.
“I’m not sure, but we must find her before she finds the girl. That’s what’s important right now.”
Claude shook his head. “Now I know that this time, she needs to be destroyed. She’s regenerating her powers. Once she regenerates, she will most likely go for the girl. She must have come here to see if Luther knew where she is. We must act quickly.”
“Where is the girl?” asked Claude.
“Somewhere in Anneborrow with a woman by the name of Lorene. I’m not sure on the exact location but we will find her. Luther knows more than I do. When he recovers, we will ask him for further detail, but as for now I will take my men and begin my search, the King mustn't know of this. Understood?” Said Willard.
Claude nodded his head, bowed and left the room. Sultana entered the room and approached Willard and bowed.
“Sir, I am available for your service in finding the woman.”
“Good, I’m going to need all the help I can get. Did you see her?”
Sultana shook his head “No, but my comrade did. I should have never left his side.” Sultana now emotional and frustrated.
“It is not your doing nor your undoing that caused your comrade's death, but of the wicked witch. We will find her before she can hurt anyone else.” Replied Willard.
Willard eyed a piece of paper on the floor where Luther was found. He got up and walked over to examine it, and picked it up and read the spell. (This isn't right, what is Luther doing with a summoning spell. Thought Willard.) He put the paper inside his cloak and stood up, and quickly walked out of the room, followed by Sultana and several other knights, down the stairs. Civilians were peaking out of their windows, wondering what was going on. Claude had his men search all of the homes in the castle for the woman, while Willard and his men,followed by Sultana, got their horses and rode out of the castle's gate into the foggy night.
“Where are we going sir?” asked Sultana.
“Anneborrow. There, we shall find the girl before the witch does.” Willard replied. (We must find her quickly before it’s too late.)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello IWrite, Wolf here for a review. (Please excuse any grammatical/spelling errors, for I am on a phone.)
I do notice most of the technical stuff was already pointed out, corrected, and promptly dealt with. So I'll just dive right into the content. This prologue didnt really feel like a prologue at all, instead it felt more like a chapter. This is a nice article on what the criteria for a prologue is, and whether to use one or not.
Another thing I was slightly confused on was where everything was taking place relative to each other. I couldn't really get a specific image of a place of where they were. The places where you had description were very nice, but a lot of the piece was left without it. An important part of writing is to find the balance point between actions, thoughts, and descriptions.
There were some character interactions that, to me, didn't seem very realistic, and in turn, felt more forced than smooth. Like, when the witch was yelling at Luther, for som reason, I wouldn't think she would yell at him so openly like that. If anything, I would think it would be a hushed whisper or something to avoid giving attention to herself. That could just be me though.
Overall, I did really like this. It's a very interesting concept, and I like how you answered just enough questions to keep us, the readers, not too confused to stop reading, but not enough to want to stop reading. Nice Job! Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
I'm glad you liked it, thanks for checking it out
I am Brunnera, IWriteStories! xD Welcome to YWS, its a great place to improve.
There were issues with this work, and let me point them out.
The first paragraph had really short sentences.
"A guard was doing his rounds around the castle when he heard a voice crying in the distance. The guard looked into the fog trying to see where the voice was coming from. The figure began to take the shape of a woman as it got closer. The guard climbed down the ladder and went around to the gate. He grabbed a touch off of the wall. Squinting his eyes, he looked the fog and the woman kept walking towards the tower. "
Could you connect some of them? With short sentences at that number, all in one paragraph, it makes the whole thing quite awkward. Besides that, it's advisable to not use 'the guard' so many times, instead just replace it with 'he'.
"She wore a black cloak that covered her face. She didn’t reply. She began to hum a tune. The guard's teeth started to chatter and a chill ran down his spine. She began to sway side to side as she got closer. She then started to sing. "
Again, the short sentences make it awkward. You could fix it up with this:
"She wore a black cloak which covered her face. Instead of replying, she began to hum a tune, and the guard's teeth chattered as a chill ran down his spine. She began to sway as she got closer, and her hum evolved into a song."
"Sultana, come quick!" he whispered."
Whispered? How can his friend hear him? Maybe adding the word 'hoarsely' at the back will make it logical.
"The soldier got up from his seat and approached the gate. But when the guard looked around, the singing stopped and the woman was gone. "
I really don't know what is wrong with this, but honestly this needs some fixing. First, the guard, then the soldier? This can confuse readers. Instead, replace 'the soldier' with Sultana, that way people won't confuse Sultana with the other. Change "But" to "However".
"“What is it mate? Said Sultana."
^ This should be changed to, "What is it, mate?" asked Sultana.
"The guard looked confused and said “There was this woman, in the fog. I asked if she was lost, she didn’t reply. She started singing…..you didn’t hear that?” the soldier shook his head.
“Probably daydreaming again. I don’t see anyone. Try to take it easy.” "
Change it to this, instead :
"The guard, confused, stammered, "There was a woman in the fog. I asked if she was lost but she did not reply. Did you not hear the singing?
The soldier shook his head, "You are seeing things again. I don't see anyone, take it easy."
...
"“Hello? Who’s there?” he said, walking across the hallway."
There's nothing wrong with this, except I have a problem with the word 'said'. You should replace it with 'called out'.
"The young guard was trembling as he looked all around. He backed up against the gate and scanned the area. He stopped and heard the woman behind him singing and felt her warm breath on his neck. He slowly turned around and the woman stood there behind the gate. He shined the touch in her face."
Most of the sentences start with 'he', again this brings us back to the part where you should connect your sentences. Also there are typos which confuse me. Maybe change it to:
"The young guard trembled in fear as he looked around. He backed up against the gate, scanning the area, until he heard a woman singing from behind, her warm breath tickling his neck, her voice singing into his ears. Slowly, he turned around, and saw her as she stood behind the gate. In a panic, he shoved the torch into her face."
" “Who are you?” he asked.
The woman grinned and said “Down, down they went!” Ahhhhh!!!"
The 'Ahhhhh!!!' is in italic. I don't understand it-- I'm sure you could fix it up. Instead of writing those words you should at least describe the guard was screaming, instead of connecting the scream with what she said. Besides that, change 'asked' to 'demanded' and 'said' to 'murmured'. I realize so far you use basic words to describe the speech. You should increase your vocabulary.
" “He said he saw a women but she disappeared and I walked off. But then I heard a scream and when I came back.” Sultana started but Commander Claude interrupted him and said:
“No matter! Find the wizard!” (Impossible! There’s no way! Thought the Commander.) “Search the place. You and you with me. We must get to Willard now! Move out!” "
The ones in brackets are in italic, you should separate the thoughts with what he is saying. Change this to :
Sultana stuttered, "He said he saw a woman, but I saw nobody (if he says she disappeared, it means Sultana already saw the woman) and I walked away. But then, I heard a scream and when I came back--"
Commander Claude interrupted him and shouted, "No matter, find this wizard! Search the place, you, and you--" He pointed to [you write down who he pointed to] "Come with me. We must get to Willard, now! Move out!"
....
The sudden transition to the bedroom was unexpected. Add something to indicate a timeskip.
""Hello Luther.” She started. The man gulped and became shaky.
“Who are you? How did you get inside my room? Where are my guards?”
She took of her hood to reveal half of her face and turned around. Her face was covered in burns and scars. Her eyes were hollow and her head was covered in peach fuss. She was nearly bald. The man gasped and stood still.
“Impossible?” he said. "
The description of the woman is really well-done, but the first line must be altered.
"Hello, Luther," She said, sending a chill down the man's spine.
“Who are you? How did you get inside my room? Where are my guards?”
She took of her hood to reveal half of her face and turned around. Her face was covered in burns and scars. Her eyes were hollow and her head was covered in peach fuss. She was nearly bald.
Paralyzed with fear, he gasped at the horrid sight, "Impossible!"
....
"She walked over to a corner and looked at a picture frame. The picture was a portrait of the man and his family. The woman ran her finger over the painting."
It's a picture, not a painting, right?
" “What a beautiful family. And you have a daughter now. How old is she? Let me guess. It’s been seventeen years since then.” she started. She looked around and smiled. “Seventeen. Am I right Luther? It’s sad how your family can just be taking away from you, any day, any time. Do you love your wife? Your daughter?” The woman’s finger stopped on the man’s wife and daughter in the painting. The man’s wife and daughter began to disintegrate from the portrait. “How would you feel if it all was taken from you? Things precious to you. How would you feel Luther? How would you feel!!” she shouted and then appeared in the man’s face, making the man stumble to the ground.
“A freak, the devil, and Satan’s daughter they called me. They took her away from me, and I want her back.” She said. "
I will write down my suggested version. Note the differences.
"What a beautiful family..." She muttered, smiling, "You have a daughter now. How old is she?"
He was unable to reply, and the woman continued, "She's seventeen, am I right, Luther? It's sad, how your family could be easily taken away from you anytime. Do you love your wife? Your daughter?"
Her finger stopped on the daughter and wife in the picture (or painting, I don't know) and it disintegrated. She was suddenly overwhelmed with anger and shouted, "How would you feel if it all was taken from you? The things precious to you, if they were taken away, how would you feel Luther? How would you feel?!"
Her outburst startled him, causing him to stumble backwards."
....
" “A freak, the devil, and Satan’s daughter they called me. They took her away from me, and I want her back.” She said.
The woman grabbed the man and threw him across the room. “Where is the girl?!” she screamed.
Once again she lifted him up and threw him against the wall.
“Where is she! Where is the girl Luther!” she screamed.
“I don’t know who you’re talking about!” the man cried.
“The Lorainian child! Where is she Luther?!” screamed the woman. "
This may flow better:
"A freak, a devil, Satan's daughter-- they give me all of these names!" She hissed, "They took her away from me, and I want her back."
She grabbed Luther and threw him across the room, screaming, "Where is the girl?!"
Luther fell to the ground, gasping in pain. However, before the pain could fade away, he was lifted again, and was slammed against the wall.
"Where is she?! Where is she, Luther?!" She screamed.
"I don't know who you're talking about!" Luther cried out in fear.
"The Lorainian child! Where is she?!"
....
The man crawled to his desk and reached under it. He grabbed a piece of paper and started to recite a spell. The woman started crying then her emotions changed instantly and she let out an evil crackle. She lifted him up with her power and commanded him to come forward.
“You’re pitiful. That won’t work on me.” She grabbed his head and blew black smoke into his face. Luther began to scream in agony. The man began to twitch and his face began to melt.Boom! Boom! Bang! “Sire we need to come inside. We believe you’re in grave danger.” The soldiers banged at the door when they heard the screaming man. Just then, the Commander ran with his soldiers followed by the wizard Willard to the scene. On the count of three they burst through the door. They found Luther on the ground and a woman in the window. She looked over at the men and laughed then disappeared into the night. Her laugh echoed though the room. "
Everything happened too fast! Too little description, too little detail, paragraphs mashed together-- this needs a lot of fixing. Go slowly, describe it-- I know you can do it. Know when to separate them into paragraphs. Avoid using the 'Boom!' or anything else which described sound like that. Watch out for your punctuation, and try to add in more drama and detail.
For the below, those in brackets I have altered:
" “No(, s)he’s gone!” (screamed) Claude.
Willard walked over to the window and looked(). He stood there (for a while whereas) Claude fell to his knees(,) beside Luther.
“How is it possible? Its not possible(...)" (sputtered) Luther, () trembling (in pain) and his face still sizzling from the woman’s acid.
Moments later, soldiers brought a blanket(,) ()wrapped him up and carried him away. Claude walked over to the old man who had his feet propped up on Luther's desk. He was smoking a pot and stroking his beard.
“Willard, how did this happen? I thought she was dead.” (asked) Claude, (confused and frustrated). "
....
"Claude nodded his head yes and bowed and left the room. Willard eventually got up and went down to the horse pen. He was followed by a few knights and they rode out of the castle into the night. "
'yes' should be removed, the 'and' before 'bowed' must be changed to a comma. Horses are in a stable, not a pen. And-- describe how Willard got on the horse, how the environment was as they rode into 'the night'. Was it warm? Cold? Quiet? Any noise?
....
Overall, I really liked the horror and mystery composed in the story. Adding more imagery should help, and you should increase your vocabulary. Read more books to increase your knowledge on fast-paced stories like yours, discover how others describe a situation, look up words you don't understand.
I know this will be a fine piece of work once you've fixed everything up. And, you should read aloud your story before posting it-- this is advice somebody else gave me.
Sorry if I've been too critical in my review, I tried my best to help you. My review is the kind of reviews people give and take in YWS
Anyway, nice first chapter
~Brunnera
Thank you for checking out my chapter. You have truly motivated me to become a better writer, I can't explain how you just impacted my technique so much. Thanks for the tips and corrections, those are greatly appreciated, and you weren't too critical in your review at all. You really did help me alot!
No problem! I'm happy to see you improve C: