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139,536 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey! I'm Vanilla, I really loved your poem, it's absolutely magnificent in my opinion.
The first verse emits loneliness the person experiences in their life and I think you did a great job explaining it even though it's short.
I really adore this part! It, for me, shows how anything can be going on in your life, no matter how amazing or how bad, there's gonna be no one for you to talk about it to and I think that's a relatable part in the poem for several people. Because the rest of the poem talks about being in love, having someone to talk to, someone to tell things to and I think adding the first verse into the poem is really great!
In this part, I think that yeah, the person has been lonely all their life, maybe they had lost hope in love that they begun thinking that "forever was a fairytale."? Because the way I see it, the person thought that forever was a fairytale. Was a fairytale , that is... It's amazing it's almost heartbreaking. :<
I love this part personally, well, the last part is my favourite but let's not focus on that XD. This is what I think of the poem so hehe~ Anyways, I think that you could add a comma after time to time for an even more dramatic effect but that's solely up to you!! It's your poem and I really love it! This is where "forever was a fairytale" comes in that felt in my opinion pretty important to the poem. This is a pretty sad poem again, still from my opinion, because the past where the writer wrote
I wished that time could stop as many times as a person wishes. But Time is something out of their control and the way you wrote it is extraordinary. I don't know how to put my thoughts into words but the technique where you made Time somehow like a person in this poem is beautiful. Time is a big aspect in every individual's life and how the character's perspective is put, with their point of view being that "forever was a fairytale" is astonishing. It shows ( in my opinion, again ) that with love, things you thought were the truth could change. Like how was was specifically added into the statement. I'm really clueless into putting my thoughts into words I apologize hehe~
I think, simply, in the last part, both does not care about the future, but they live in the moment. They want to savour each second they spend with each other and I think that's really admirable. Not a lot of people these days live in the moment but instead live in the fear of their past and future. The last part is definitely my favourite out of the poem.
P.S. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HOW YOU ENDED THE POEM!
lot's of love! <3 have a great day!
Nice poem.I like how you talk about how the character wishes they could stop time to say their feelings to the other person.It shows that the character misses the other person a lot and hopes they could tell them how they feel.It’s short,but meaningful.Good Job on the poem!
Nice poem.I like how you talk about how the character wishes they could stop time to say their feelings to the other person.It shows that the character misses the other person a lot and hopes they could tell them how they feel.It’s short,but meaningful.Good Job on the poem!
Nice poem.I like how you talk about how the character wishes they could stop time to say their feelings to the other person.It shows that the character misses the other person a lot and hopes they could tell them how they feel.It’s short,but meaningful.Good Job on the poem!
Hello zekcede! Incoming review!
I can feel the scene of two people so crazy about one another that they just stare into the depths of each other's eyes and can't break that hypnotic trance. It's really great and powerful imagery.I have no opening words to say so I guess I'll jump in straight with some critique.
For the most part, I loved your rhyming scheme. With a ABCB flow to it. I will say that the last stanza doesn't follow the same scheme but instead has a AABB flow that was uncalled for. Though I do like the stanza on it's own with the picture it paints and the words used, it doesn't exactly fit with the rest in terms of flow.
The only other thing I have to say is to separate your poem into stanzas. I just find it makes it look a lot more put together. Because YWS is finicky with extra spaces in between paragraphs, you can separate the stanzas with "~~~" or something similar. Oh and the "i" in the second stanza wasn't capitalized, and you used capitalization before.
I'm done with critiques, now I'll praise your work!
I also saw that you made the line still linked to the previous lines like sentences, without capitalizing the next line. It's like conversational punctuation and I really like that style of punctuation for poetry. It really breaks up the capitalization for each line, we're all so inclined to do.
But that's all I have for today. I hope you enjoyed. And keep on writing! Anyway byeeeeeeee
FireEyes-
thank you for the feedback!
quick thing tho, the rhyme scheme is abcd efef gghh
so none of them are the same. Ive fixed the cap errors, thank you.
and yes, Time is capped on purpose.
-IMK
Oh okay! thank you for telling me!
Hello and good day, Zekcede!
Your poem is quite interesting and I have not read a concept like this before. Forever in love, with time. It is sweet nevertheless.
These are my two favorite lines:
Unlike what PhoenixEmberly thought, I think the periods and commas work well. I understand why you only capitalized the beginning of the sentences, but you could capitalize all the beginnings of the lines, but only if you wanted to.
The poem would flow better if you separated the poem into a few different stanzas, like this:
And one more thing, hypnotized is spelled with a "z", and capitalized your "I"s. You could also spell-check and grammar-check the poem more.
Anyway, this is an intriguing poem, can't wait to see more!
~Lady Tano
the stanza thing was really annoying, yws has a tendency to stick everything together even if you paste/type seperate stanzas.
punctuation is fixed, thank you!
Ahh yes. I remember I had a problem with that at first! You just have to put some kind of symbol in between the stanzas, like this ~ or this .
Technically, hypnotised and hypnotized is both grammatically correct, but it's more likely to have "hypnotized" as the frequent chosen spelling because of American English being used more often than British English, just to point it out!
Thank you, @vanillavelvet13, I did not know that.
Hi! This is a very recent post, but it isn't too long, so I can give a pretty quick review.
In terms of grammar, I am not an expert on poems, but I found it a little odd that some lines ended with commas while others ended with periods. It stuck out to me in a strange way. Also. some of your I's are not capitalized. Some of the first words in each line aren't capitalized as well, and I believe they are supposed to be.
As for the poem itself, I do wish it were somewhat longer. I think love (or lost love) is a great concept to explore and flesh out in a poem. I was confused by the end, though. I had thought that the poem was detailing how he once had love but then lost it.
---
"Because I could not stop for time,
and she could not just stop for me
but still i wish from time to time
that we could be eternity."
---
Yet at the end, it seemed to say that he still had his love?
---
"We stared into each other's eyes,
lost, in love, and hypnotised."
---
(Hypnotised spelt "Hypnotized)
I think this is a good start, but I think this poem could be fleshed out and spellchecked.