Hey there! I saw your post in the General Request Repository so thought I would swing by for a quick review I haven't read any of your previous work, so am completely taking this as a standalone piece.
I like that you've kept this relatively short as the feel of it is quite heavy emotionally and I think much more in terms of length might make it too overwhelming to read. There are a lot of beautiful sentences here and its length means it makes it still makes an impact.
How is one to love another when both are suffering, when both are hurt so deeply, so in pain.
Shouldn't this have a question mark?
How is one to love another when both are suffering, when both are hurt so deeply, so in pain. Someone will shatter but I can't leave, because my love runs strong. Because my love runs through every fiber of my very being, reaching out to touch her. But she can not hear me when I tell her I love her. She doesn't hear me when I say she is perfect, she cant see herself when I tell her she is wonderful. She won't eat even when I tell her she is beautiful, she won't eat even when she passes out on the floor- stone cold when I rush her to the hospital. And yet I know- I know this isn't right. But I can't leave. Why is it, why, that when I try to leave, because I know, deep in my heart, that this won't last, that I always come back? I try to walk away, from this sinking ship that I cling to, but pivot on my heel, and turn back to the dangerous currents, and to the one I wish I could call mine.
This is quite a large chunk for a first paragraph. Is there a way you could perhaps split it in two? You want to try and ease the reader in and as you've already got a more complex sentence structure in some of these I think the best way to do that would be to break it up into more manageable paragraphs.
Apathetic to our own demise, but mourning for our other half.
I really like this line! It's very poetic.
My heart is full of her. So, so full. So full of love, and wonder, and amazement. That she is mine. My heart is full of other things too.
This is quite different imagery from the previous paragraphs that are more centred around mourning and despair. It felt a little jarring - I would think about what tale you are trying to take the reader on and try and make the emotion transitions flow a little more smoothly.
I wonder if you might be able to anchor these thoughts in a time or place. I think they start to become difficult to read because the whole thing feels very abstract which works for poetry but can becoming overwhelming in prose. Perhaps your narrative voice could talk about a time when they were together, or a place, just to have something for the reader to anchor too. It's possible this is because you've written this as a companion piece to another work, but as a standalone it is harder to keep track of as is.
The speech at the end is a nice touch, and I think sums up the narrator's thoughts throughout the piece quite succinctly. The whole work was very interesting, and I think you could do some more with it if you wanted!
Hope this was helpful
~Icy
Points: 154066
Reviews: 1485
Donate