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16+ Mature Content

Bittersweet Eternity

by IMK


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

*CAN BE READ STAND-ALONE, READING FOREVER IN LOVE IS NOT REQUIRED*

 a flushed out version of the poem in prose. 

If anyone wants, I can write a one-shot type scene with the two of them talking.

I hope everyone enjoys it!

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A More Complete Story

How is one to love another when both are suffering, when both are hurt so deeply, so in pain? Someone will shatter but I can't leave, because my love runs strong. Because my love runs through every fibre of my very being, reaching out to touch her. But she can not hear me when I tell her I love her. She doesn't hear me when I say she is perfect, she can't see herself when I tell her she is wonderful. She won't eat even when I tell her she is beautiful, she won't eat even when she passes out on the floor- stone cold when I rush her to the hospital. 

And yet I know- I know this isn't right. But I can't leave. Why is it, why, that when I try to leave, because I know, deep in my heart, that this won't last, that I always come back? I try to walk away, from this sinking ship that I cling to, but pivot on my heel, and turn back to the dangerous currents, and to the one I wish I could call mine. 

There is apathy here. She and I, we stare at the stars for days on end. Apathetic to our own demise, but mourning for our other half. I mourn for my love, because my love she is. I mourn for her, for she hurts. And Love mourns for me, though I do not understand why. Love cries her tears on my chest that swells when I breathe. I see her tears rolling down her cheeks and onto my sweater. She tells me things, too. She tells me pretty things. She tells me beautiful things. She tells me stories, of love and of madness. She tells me lies, too. She tells me I'm wonderful. She tells me tall tales of greatness, as if I were a hero. But I love her lies, even when I know they are not true. 

My heart is full of her. So, so full. So full of love, and wonder, and amazement. That she is mine. My heart is full of other things too. It is full of fear, of my life. It is full of contentment, for I must live in the right now, else I will fall far too deep to crawl out. Too far down to crawl out of this hole in the earth, that carries the hole in my heart. There is no space for love in my heart. No space for love for me. There will always be space in my heart for Love. Never will there be a time when there is no space for my love. The only one in my heart I do not have space for is me.

And sometimes I question why. I question why I live, but I always answer- For Her. For no one else. I do not live for myself any longer. She holds my heart captive, and she is perfect. But she will not listen to me. When I tell her she is all of me, and everything I would ever need, she never listens. She tells me she isn't perfect, but I know she is lying. She tells me she is ugly, she is fat--but when I tell her it's not true--She never believes me. She- Love -never believes I love her, she tells me I can do better, but when I respond with the same, that she can do better than me, Love is silent.

Before I knew my love I was alone. I had nothing to say for I had no one to tell. I did not listen for there was no one to speak to me. I was all alone, in the world of perfect people, where I am nothing but a dead girl. For I am not alive. My heart did not beat. And it still does not; not for me. My heart beats for her. For she is my life and love and I could never live without her. And if she dies I will be nothing for I am no one without her. There is no one here for me, in this cold, dark, world. But she, she could be anything. She is everything, but she doesn't see what I see, tells me that I flatter her. But before I had this woman in my life, I was lonely. Lonely, lonely, lonely. I cried, for help, for love, for forever. But I knew, in my mind, in the deepest, darkest parts of my brain, that forever- was a fairytale. 

And I would never live to see happily ever after. Because I could not stop for Time. And I know that she could not stop for me. She and I- we were lovers. We were thwarted by a malign star. We were destined. We were the world and more, and we could travel to the ends of the Earth for each other, with each other. But now I know, yes, now I know. That we are doomed. That we are impaled by our own swords. That we are destined to fall. There are times, sometimes. When I hope that Time would stop for us. I speak to her at night, when I am lonely and I miss my love. She always tells me that she can not stop for me and Love. And when I cry tears of desperation she responds with 'no's and 'I wish I could's. But I hope, and I pray, to whoever may hear me. To a god, a spirit, the sky- that my love and I, that just this once- we could be an eternity.

But millions of sentences, and phrases, and things. Billions of words were left unsaid. She and I- we lay in bed, immune to the world, ignorant of the tomorrow. We are silent, for we know that if we speak the moment will be over. We will have to think of what comes next. We would have to think of what happens now. So we stay silent. She and I live in the moment, we live now, and no later. So we do not speak of later. We live in a world of our own creation where the stars shine night and day, and the moon never shrinks, and the sun never sets, and neither she nor I will ever leave. We are immune to the future, ignorant of the consequences. 

"I want it all to end, I want to die."

"Please don't, I would kill myself if you died"

"I know, I would too."


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Tue Sep 21, 2021 2:57 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey there! I saw your post in the General Request Repository so thought I would swing by for a quick review :) I haven't read any of your previous work, so am completely taking this as a standalone piece.

I like that you've kept this relatively short as the feel of it is quite heavy emotionally and I think much more in terms of length might make it too overwhelming to read. There are a lot of beautiful sentences here and its length means it makes it still makes an impact.

How is one to love another when both are suffering, when both are hurt so deeply, so in pain.

Shouldn't this have a question mark?

How is one to love another when both are suffering, when both are hurt so deeply, so in pain. Someone will shatter but I can't leave, because my love runs strong. Because my love runs through every fiber of my very being, reaching out to touch her. But she can not hear me when I tell her I love her. She doesn't hear me when I say she is perfect, she cant see herself when I tell her she is wonderful. She won't eat even when I tell her she is beautiful, she won't eat even when she passes out on the floor- stone cold when I rush her to the hospital. And yet I know- I know this isn't right. But I can't leave. Why is it, why, that when I try to leave, because I know, deep in my heart, that this won't last, that I always come back? I try to walk away, from this sinking ship that I cling to, but pivot on my heel, and turn back to the dangerous currents, and to the one I wish I could call mine.

This is quite a large chunk for a first paragraph. Is there a way you could perhaps split it in two? You want to try and ease the reader in and as you've already got a more complex sentence structure in some of these I think the best way to do that would be to break it up into more manageable paragraphs.

Apathetic to our own demise, but mourning for our other half.

I really like this line! It's very poetic.

My heart is full of her. So, so full. So full of love, and wonder, and amazement. That she is mine. My heart is full of other things too.

This is quite different imagery from the previous paragraphs that are more centred around mourning and despair. It felt a little jarring - I would think about what tale you are trying to take the reader on and try and make the emotion transitions flow a little more smoothly.

I wonder if you might be able to anchor these thoughts in a time or place. I think they start to become difficult to read because the whole thing feels very abstract which works for poetry but can becoming overwhelming in prose. Perhaps your narrative voice could talk about a time when they were together, or a place, just to have something for the reader to anchor too. It's possible this is because you've written this as a companion piece to another work, but as a standalone it is harder to keep track of as is.

The speech at the end is a nice touch, and I think sums up the narrator's thoughts throughout the piece quite succinctly. The whole work was very interesting, and I think you could do some more with it if you wanted!

Hope this was helpful :)

~Icy




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Tue Sep 21, 2021 6:19 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was a really intriguing piece here. You can see that there's soo much emotion being packed in here...and as a reader you can really feels some these coming across.

Anyway let's get right to it,

How is one to love another when both are suffering, when both are hurt so deeply, so in pain. Someone will shatter but I can't leave, because my love runs strong. Because my love runs through every fiber of my very being, reaching out to touch her. But she can not hear me when I tell her I love her. She doesn't hear me when I say she is perfect, she cant see herself when I tell her she is wonderful. She won't eat even when I tell her she is beautiful, she won't eat even when she passes out on the floor- stone cold when I rush her to the hospital. And yet I know- I know this isn't right. But I can't leave. Why is it, why, that when I try to leave, because I know, deep in my heart, that this won't last, that I always come back? I try to walk away, from this sinking ship that I cling to, but pivot on my heel, and turn back to the dangerous currents, and to the one I wish I could call mine.


Hmm, alright, this one seems to be wrapped in a few layers of meaning here, looking through this at a glance, I sense someone that appears to be in love with someone else whose very emotionally down, and they want out, and then everytime that decision is made, they talk themselves out of it. Its a bit harder to fully grasp what this is going for, but you do manage to do an awesome painting this very complex emotional picture here. This is a rather heavy chunk for a first paragraph, but this is one of those rare moments, when it is actually appropriate and really manages to bring across a powerful message right from the start.

There is apathy here. She and I, we stare at the stars for days on end. Apathetic to our own demise, but mourning for our other half. I mourn for my love, because my love she is. I mourn for her, for she hurts. And Love mourns for me, though I do not understand why. Love cries her tears on my chest that swells when I breathe. I see her tears rolling down her cheeks and onto my sweater. She tells me things, too. She tells me pretty things. She tells me beautiful things. She tells me stories, of love and of madness. She tells me lies, too. She tells me I'm wonderful. She tells me tall tales of greatness, as if I were a hero. But I love her lies, even when I know they are not true.


Okay...well, you can definitely get the feeling of two broken people here, just kind of trying to find comfort in each other, to some extent. I think this one is almost trying to say how not perfect things are between them here, but somehow at least the POV character here truly does love the other person. Once again, this is going quite deep into things, but that's about what I was able to glean here.

heart is full of her. So, so full. So full of love, and wonder, and amazement. That she is mine. My heart is full of other things too. It is full of fear, of my life. It is full of contentment, for I must live in the right now, else I will fall far too deep to crawl out. Too far down to crawl out of this hole in the earth, that carries the hole in my heart. There is no space for love in my heart. No space for love for me. There will always be space in my heart for Love. Never will there be a time when there is no space for my love. The only one in my heart I do not have space for is me.


Hmm, now here we get a message that seems to talk about how this person loves this other one quite dearly but can't seem to extend the same love to themselves, which kind of puts them on the same boat as the other. That's actually something I haven't run into before in a story and I think it actually comes across as a beautiful thing here.

And sometimes I question why. I question why I live, but I always answer- For Her. For no one else. I do not live for myself any longer. She holds my heart captive, and she is perfect. But she will not listen to me. When I tell her she is all of me, and everything I would ever need, she never listens. She tells me she isn't perfect, but I know she is lying. She tells me she is ugly, she is fat--but when I tell her it's not true--She never believes me. She- Love -never believes I love her, she tells me I can do better, but when I respond with the same, that she can do better than me, Love is silent.


Hmm, yeah, I think this paragraph really sums it all up nicely, this really builds on the emotions bit by bit, revealing each layer of feeling here, and I think that this is the paragraph that ties it all together and sort of lays down exactly what situation these two are finding themselves in here.

Before I knew my love I was alone. I had nothing to say for I had no one to tell. I did not listen for there was no one to speak to me. I was all alone, in the world of perfect people, where I am nothing but a dead girl. For I am not alive. My heart did not beat. And it still does not; not for me. My heart beats for her. For she is my life and love and I could never live without her. And if she dies I will be nothing for I am no one without her. There is no one here for me, in this cold, dark, world. But she, she could be anything. She is everything, but she doesn't see what I see, tells me that I flatter her. But before I had this woman in my life, I was lonely. Lonely, lonely, lonely. I cried, for help, for love, for forever. But I knew, in my mind, in the deepest, darkest parts of my brain, that forever- was a fairytale.

Okay, so now we're going a little backwards in time there by the looks of things. It appears we're diving into the past of this person who before they met the girl here was on the verge of giving up on life being quite lonely and very down. You definitely convey quite the depth of sadness there through that above paragraph and you can genuinely feel how this person might feel there.

And I would never live to see happily ever after. Because I could not stop for Time. And I know that she could not stop for me. She and I- we were lovers. We were thwarted by a malign star. We were destined. We were the world and more, and we could travel to the ends of the Earth for each other, with each other. But now I know, yes, now I know. That we are doomed. That we are impaled by our own swords. That we are destined to fall. There are times, sometimes. When I hope that Time would stop for us. I speak to her at night, when I am lonely and I miss my love. She always tells me that she can not stop for me and Love. And when I cry tears of desperation she responds with 'no's and 'I wish I could's. But I hope, and I pray, to whoever may hear me. To a god, a spirit, the sky- that my love and I, that just this once- we could be an eternity.


OKay...now things looking to the future once more, which I will say makes for a slightly odd placement there, I feel like if you start with this person's own sense of loneliness, follow it up with the current situation and then bring this up that might make it a better flow, but honestly it doe still work this way, and you can definitely sense some raw emotion in this piece here as they come to a sort of realization that theirs is a love that's never going to be able to have a happily ever after.

But millions of sentences, and phrases, and things. Billions of words were left unsaid. She and I- we lay in bed, immune to the world, ignorant of the tomorrow. We are silent, for we know that if we speak the moment will be over. We will have to think of what comes next. We would have to think of what happens now. So we stay silent. She and I live in the moment, we live now, and no later. So we do not speak of later. We live in a world of our own creation where the stars shine night and day, and the moon never shrinks, and the sun never sets, and neither she nor I will ever leave. We are immune to the future, ignorant of the consequences.

"I want it all to end, I want to die."

"Please don't, I would kill myself if you died"

"I know, I would too."


Hmm, will this is definitely capturing that title beautifully, cause that is most definitely a very nicely done bittersweet ending. I love how you acknowledge the future first there and then ends things off on a sort of truce with the future where these two decide not to acknowledge and live in the moment as happily as they can.

Those last lines there being the only dialogue also ring through powerfully to end this piece. I really love how you basically sum up the entirety of the emotions from earlier all in those three short lines and it kind of echoes the whole point of the story to end things.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think this is a really neat story. It definitely leaves you with a few extra thoughts in your head and I think that's a good thing. Anyway, that's about all I've gotta say for now. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue Sep 21, 2021 12:23 am
AilahEvelynMae wrote a review...



Hi there,

All right, first of all I want to say thank you very much for posting this. I was able to connect very deeply to some parts of it and I’m sure many others are able to do so as well. If you’re going through something difficult right now I hope that you’re able to receive the help that you need and find comfort and happiness.

I really enjoyed reading this. It’s a story also poem also beautiful but it’s also a message. I love the simple questions that you ask. This is very intriguing to me and others who will read it. This makes me think and wonder about many things.

Thank you for sharing I hope to see more in the near future. Sending you all of my love,

Ellie <3 <3 <3 <3





cron
If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
— Anatole France