Shadows

by ILived

Published December 21, 2017

In Poetry

The black breeze awaits ready to break in

Its cold breath varnishing the tattered roof

Trees bow a self-same welcome.

It is a miracle

The rain falls faster than our tears.

-

I silently whisper a greeting back

As windows rattle in the walls

And a door squeaks shut.

My words seem of no use these days

Against this deafening storm before us.

-

Inside it’s warm but not for long

Our fingers shiver and both feet are cold

From the beckoning whispers of the wind.

Is the best way to get out

Talking ourselves into keeping in?

-

One by one my people walk out,

pulled by desire, by the voices of the storm.

The sky breaks into a spark.

The clouds roar dissent.

I resolve to stay in though.

The dark is no home for shadows.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
myjaspercat
Review
myjaspercat wrote a review Review · Dec 21, 2017

Hey there ILived,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review.

Line-by-Line


The black breeze awaits I feel like there's a need for punctuation here ready to break in
Its cold breath varnishing the tattered roof Again, it feels like there is some punctuation needed here
Trees bow a self-same Mm... I'm a little confused, personally, on what you mean by 'self-same' welcome.
It is a miracle
The rain falls faster than our tears. Is the rain falling faster than our tears the miracle, or is it the trees bowing? I'm pretty sure it's the tears part and if it is, then I feel like adding the word 'how' after 'miracle' would benefit the flow a bit.
I silently whisper a greeting back
As windows rattle in the walls I don't really like the whole "in the walls" thing, personally. I feel like it's just implied that the windows are in the walls, so it feels rather unnecessary and boring. Yet, at the same time, it's a good image --so I guess it's up to you to decide what to do with it.
And a door squeaks shut.
My words seem of no use these days
Against this deafening storm before us. Kind of a cliché past two lines. I think you should play around with the imagery here a bit, make it a little more original and deep.
Inside it’s warm but not for long
Our fingers shiver and both feet are cold So, is it both your feet that are cold or both pairs of feet that are cold? The reason why I'm asking is that by saying "both feet are cold" you're implying that there are only two feet because 'both' typically means two: as in 'this one and that one.' However, you're using words such as 'us' and 'our' which makes it seems like there are two people in the scene, and if there are two people, then there are more then two feet. Anyway, if it is the later and you're talking about both pairs of feet being cold, then I think it you could just add the word "our" in the middle of the underlined section.
From the beckoning whispers of the wind.
Is the best way to get out
Talking ourselves into keeping in?
Hmm, what do you mean by this?
One by one my people walk out, I don't particularly like the use of the word 'out' again so close to another line that ends with out, but that's just my opinion. It's not bad, just a little repetitive.
pulled by desire, by the voices of the storm.
The sky breaks into a spark.
The clouds roar dissent.
I resolve to stay in though.
The dark is no home for shadows. I don't like how then last five lines of your poem all end in periods. It kind dragged down the flow a bit for me. I would suggest maybe leaving a line here or there without the punctuation.


Overall
So, for the most part I really liked this piece. I found that it had an air of suspense in some places that really seemed to fit it. However, like most emerging works, I felt like this had a few places where it needed more.

Mainly, I would suggest working on the description, just make it more original, more personal. I do love the idea of the "voices of the storm" thing but I feel like it could be a bit more impactful.

Other than that, I don't really have much else to say. I hope I helped a little, I'm a little rusty at this. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.

User avatar
Valkyria
Review
Valkyria wrote a review Review · Dec 21, 2017

I love your choice of language, but I am not getting the feel of the poem. The storm is the villian, and the people walking out are friends and family of the protagonist. However, what role is the storm playing? Why are the people being beckoned by it?

Your poem is interesting, yet unsettling. Which is great, because all poems of such a theme needs to be, but "it is a miracle"? If the outdoors is dangerous, then why is the speaker calling it a miracle?

It would get the reader more interested if you went on one specific subject to keep the theme enhancing.

Great job on the poem!



The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.
— Amelia Earhart