Little white shoes lift up in unison
Then hit the ground as one, splaying dust
Curious naïve eyes look in front
Heels kick, arms swing, chins up, they’re told they must
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Grow up as is expected, right, abiding.
Now, we must work backwards in life, it seems
Sprinting, walking, staggering, then crawling
To keep beat with duty. But how can we
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Where blank words enter blind minds seeping
Far to nothingness--- as the answer comes
Before questions are given--- until we are
Not wanting of maps just directions. Some
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Say its because the future is now. Us.
Maybe we can give ‘start’ a chance without the fuss.
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139,478 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
Happy Thursday!
I hope you're doing great today.
You did an awesome job with your message here. It's so true. Children are given such high expectations because they have such high potential, but you point out a valid truth here in that they don't always understand, and we might be pushing too hard. After all, life isn't just about we can accomplish. There's so much more!
Your first stanza was my favorite, and a great opening. Little shoes and curious eyes reveal how young and innocent these children are. I don't like "abiding" in stanza two. If you're using it as an adjective, the definition doesn't make sense, but if you're using it as a verb... well, that also doesn't make sense.
One problem I had in reading this was the haphazard grammar throughout this. Sometimes you used periods and commas, sometimes you didn't. It needs to be consistent.
I believe those are all the thoughts I have for now. Once more, great job, and keep up the good work!
~rosette
Hello! Before I begin, I would like to say that I really enjoyed the message of your piece! I thought it was very interesting, and I think you did a good job portraying it.
One thing I noticed is that your third stanza is weaker than the rest. I had a hard time reading it with the way you've structured the lines. I would suggest using commas and periods instead of using the hyphens. They just kind of break up the stanza into weird sections.
Another thing that might help with the readability of your poem is not capitalizing the first letter of every single line. Also, adding punctuation at the end of each line (except for the ones where they continue to the next stanza) would help readability.
In stanza two, you should add a question mark to, "But how can we". Since the line doesn't continue on to the next stanza, it makes sense to add in the question mark.
For the last two lines, I would suggest saying, "(They) Say it(')s because the future is now. Us. Maybe we can give 'start' a chance without the fuss."
Overall, this was a very enjoyable poem to read. I especially liked the message, and I think you did a good job writing about it in this poem. Keep writing!
ella
This is very relatable! The idea that adults tend to tell children exactly which path to take. Even if they say 'I want you to do what makes you happy', they still have a path set in stone for us to follow. Something that I adore about your style is the metaphorical statements you use.