Published June 18, 2010
To the rivals I've defeated,
I send forward my apologies.
To the new ones that I've made,
I'm already writing your elegies.
Because I know, as always,
I'm going to be the winner,
even if I have to take
the forbidden road of the sinner.
My blade's in my hand,
your blood's on my tongue,
and you're about to make
my count go one higher.
But I still wouldn't back down
if I was in your place,
'cause to fight me, you gotta be proud
to spill your blood on my face.
For you it's grim and dark;
you're going to die today.
So die with pride and salute.
Pres? Aller!
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LOL! What a boisterous rake, eh?
I'm already writing your elegies. <-- get rid of already... it's kind of clunky!
For you it's grim and dark;
you're going to die today. <-- I would probably get rid of these lines, since you already make it apparent that he will die.
Fun poem! Twisted one, of course, but fun!
Hi Howler,
I really enjoyed this; it has a compelling rhythm, and the subject and tone were quite unique, making a refreshing change of pace from the other poems I've been reading recently. If I may make a few suggestions, however:
Firstly, "the forbidden road of the sinner" seems a little forced. Is there any way you could reword this line?
I think "go" should, well, go - it's not needed and reads smoother without it.
The casual tone of "'cause to fight me, you gotta be proud" seems a little out of place, as you've already established a formal tone with the use of "elegies" and the flourish at the beginning. Perhaps you could reword this, as the rhythm is a little choppy here too.
I'm not sure I like "grim and dark" - it seems very cliche after the originality of the rest of the poem. Can you come up with something less commonplace here?
"Pres? Aller!" should be in italics as it is a foreign language.
Otherwise, an interesting piece. I'll look forward to reading some more of your work in the future!
Cheers,
~bubbles
Salute! Howler,
]). I can't say that I actually have something bad about this one, just a bit on conventions:
Very nice! I was delighted to see something about duels because, sadly, I'm addicted to them (seeing and reading about them--not actually getting it them [although I do own a fine rapier
One) This is really a critism of you directly, but I'm a bit of a stickler about doing uppercase at the beginning of each line. Not that it's really a rule or anything, but it does make the work look more professional and neat. Again, you don't really have to conform, but it does look nice.
And two) You need a space between "you're" and "going" in line eighteen, I'm pretty sure.
Other than that, I think it's wonderful! You could look a bit for hidden cliches and overused phrases, but other than that, it's lovely.
Oh, and by the way, loved your use of foreign language at the end! LOVE it!
Good luck on future endeavors!
~Horseradish