Published October 4, 2007
My target's name is Matt Cruise. He owns a butcher shop at the edge of town. He has no wife, no dog, nobody that would miss him if something would have "happened" to him. The area is pretty busy during the day and actually pretty quiet at night. The butcher shop has two stories. the first story is the store and the other is where they store the meat; in a gigantic refrigerator in the basement. Pretty dangerous if one was locked inside for a period of a weekend. I went borrowed the agency's surveillance van and parked it across the street from the butcher shop. I set up cameras outside the shop.
He leaves everyday to go to lunch at the other side of town. I could most certainly use this to my advantage. He closes at 4:00 on weekdays and is closed on weekends.
I walked in and said
"Hello, How are you?"
"Very well sir, how about yourself?"
"Pretty good... Could I have a half pound of beef?"
"Sure"
he handed me a slab of pink meat as I left. I went around the building and looked for a basement window. I opened the thankfully unlocked window and slid inside. I walked over to the refrigerator and examined the dial and how to turn it down. I then opened the refrigerator, unwrapped the meat and set it inside of the refrigerator. I turned down the dial to "warm" then escaped to my van.
TGIF if it weren't the meat wouldn't spoil and I wouldn't finish my contract. I slipped back inside monday morning and hid in the dark corners of the basement. The smell was horrid, you could smell it througout the shop.
I heard him come downstairs and open the refrigerator. He cursed as he walked inside the refrigerator and shut the door. I stepped over to the door and rigged the latch so it would lock and not open. I then went over the the dial and turned it all the way up to "coolest". I went back to the door and tapped on the window. He looked back at me and I smiled and walked off.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
Well, I don't know with what expectations I started reading this story, but this was certainly a very disturbing and creepy read. I haven never read many stories from the perspective of a murderer or a criminal, so I was a little freaked out by the nonchalance with which he laid down his plans as if he was preparing his grocery list. If your intention was to creep out your readers, then well done! I am going to spend the next week inside my room now.
The story was intriguing of course, but I am afraid, we do not have enough context to understand why the narrator is doing this. Is he a hitman? Or just a psychopath? Why is the butcher his target? Did he do something to offend him (well, I am guessing not because otherwise he would have recognized the narrator when he came into his shop)? All these questions go unanswered and makes this a really frustrating read because I really wanted to delve deeper behind his reasons to understand his psychology.
The sentences were also a bit monotonous at parts. They read very plain and made the narration feel a little flat at times. Which kind of increased the creepiness for me because I could not understand the bored way with which the narrator was carrying out his plan. You could put some more emotion behind it though. It would have transformed the text as well if you had included some of his personal thoughts and feelings as well. Otherwise, it feels like you are narrating a list, where only one thing happens after the other without much emotion. You don't want your story feel like that.
Other than that there were some issues with punctuation and formatting. I am going to point a few out for you, but they are mostly nitpicks so feel free to ignore me.
New sentences should always start with a capital letter. You repeat the same one or two paragraphs down, and it really sticks out from the main narration.
I have absolutely no idea what TGIF means. I know the other reviewer pointed this out as well, and I am glad that I am not the only one who is so clueless. I would avoid any abbreviations like that as they really do not fit well with the narration and your readers might not always be familiar with them. Besides, I really do believe that they take away the essence of the story.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Is this a follow on from the other Break Neck that I read? This is better written than the first, but it would still be good to add a bit more in. Why is he doing this? What's his victim done?
Capital letter to start a sentance.
Story = storey
I don't think you need that semi-colon. Instead phrase it differently. Perhaps, The first storey is the store. They store the meat in a gigantic refrigarator in the basement.
Have the dialogue on the same line as the tag, with a comma. So,
I walked in and said, "Hello, How are you?"
Full stop to end the sentance.
Capital letter to start the sentance.
TGIF? Avoid using things like this - it leaves the clueless ones, like me, wondering what you're talking about.
---
I don't get why he did that. Explain more. Why not have the man talking to a friend or whatever, so you show us WHY he's doing all this.