My Celeb Dream
I’ve written a lot for Her,
so why not one for you?
The celeb I’ve had a crush on,
since the day of ten plus two.
I know that it’s a long shot,
most celeb crushes are,
but there is a life that I imagine,
even if that dream is far.
I imagine seeing her,
and rushing to her side,
to say “hello, I’m not a foe,
now please will you not hide?”
I’d introduce myself,
and ask of her true side.
The real life she lives, and not the ones,
that in movies she confides.
I imagine talking with her for hours,
We’d share a good few laughs.
Then after which, we’d make a time
when our talking could relapse.
A night in which we’d have a meal,
and walk along the dock.
We’d feel the waves, talk more of things,
then sit upon a rock.
The sun would set and dark would come,
we’d climb into the car.
Perhaps get lost in destiny,
and follow the north star.
A short bit later, I’d slow us down.,
and stop at a cliff’s edge.
I’d stand her up, as I kneel down
and speak to her my pledge.
“Ms. Fanning I present to you,
this tiny diamond ring.
I’m asking now, a great deal of you,
to make of me your king.”
She’d answer “Yes,” then we’d embrace,
as our first true night does end.
Our day of white is chosen next,
and the date shall then be penned.
Before too long I’d kiss the bride,
and to heaven we would go.
Because after all true heaven lies,
in the life we live below.
Hey! Nice poem. I rather liked it (bite me Kyll xD). It was fun and enjoyable, and I like that the subject matter was light for a change. I read so many poems on YWS that attempt (and subsequently fail horribly) at serious things like heartbreak or love, yada yada yada. So this was a nice break in the monotony. =P
However, I do agree with Kyllorac on the "cutesy" bit. In fact, that's exactly how I would describe it. And in all honesty, cutesy poems aren't remembered. They're fun, but there are a million of them. If you catch my meaning. =T
Also, the choppy rhyming kind of annoyed me. It's not cohesive, and at times it was very apparent that the words you were using to make the stanza rhyme were stretched a bit to match the rest of the poem, contextually. Maybe focus on fixing them a bit? After all, rhyming isn't everything. If your poem doesn't rhyme, so what? The really important part of poetry is rhythm, and if you sacrifice rhythm for rhyme, then you no longer have a poem.
Other than that, I liked it. Keep it up! And if you have any questions, feel free to shoot me a PM. =)
Oh, and for the record, Keira Knightley is WAY better. XD
I will say before I even begin that the subject squicks me. Squicks me like all unholy hell.
That said, the only reason I can see this being called a poem is because you've broken it up into stanzas and attempted a cutesy rhyme. Emphasis on "attempted" and "cutesy". There's nothing particularly creative or unique about this poem, and it really doesn't elicit any emotions or thoughtfulness aside from uncontrollable squickage and "OMG, OMG, OMG! MAKE IT END!!!"
I'm pretty sure neither of those reactions were intentional.
That said, it's not just the subject matter that made me want to crawl into some dark, obscure corner never to encounter another piece of wish-fulfillment writing ever again but also its presentation. I can tolerate, sometimes even appreciate, utterly squicky topics when they're presented artistically, but there is no artistic representation here whatsoever aside from the poor attempt at rhyming.
Rhyming relies entirely upon rhythm and flow to work; kill one aspect, and you've completely botched your rhyme. Right now, there is no consistent rhythm, and neither do the words/ideas flow, so you've botched your rhyme so badly that it was actually the failure to rhyme effectively that almost stopped me from completing this poem, moreso than the squicky topic.
And considering how squicky I find the topic, that's saying a lot.
So, one thing you could do is attempt to even up the syllables in between each rhyme. That would give it some semblance of rhythm. However, making the words/ideas flow naturally is a bit more tricky, and quite frankly, I see no way of making either flow nicely. I suggest nixing the rhyme entirely since it is not handled well at all and is a major detractor to this piece.
The next thing to do is to find a more artistic and poetic way of portraying the subject. Right now, it's pure, blatant wish-fulfillment that doesn't even try to pretend to be something else except for a badly-rhyming poem-lookalike, and that is another major detriment. It's not interesting, unique, or even memorable except in the "that's the piece that squicked the unholy hell out of me" way, which I don't think you were aiming for.
So find a way to present the topic more artistically, more interestingly, and more uniquely, else keep this as-is as a private piece that you don't show to anyone else.
Supremely Squicked,
Kyll
I thought it was pretty brilliant, and that you shouldn't change much if you were to rewrite it. I loved the idea and the rhymes were great, but maybe try to get the rhythm a little bit more smooth.
I didn't like the "10 plus 2" part. Despite the crazy marry and die together thing it was sweet. That was a little weird. Also, I think it would have been a better ending if you put that you know that you can't have her, and blah blah blah whatever instead of just ending it with the illusion-life thing and return to the present.
Dragon Rider
Hey Host!
Just a short review here! Your lines are forced. Bit choppy as well. Thats all though.
PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!
-Boo
I think that was awsome, keep it up stardom!!!
-pixie
I really enjoyed this, it was sweet and made me smile. I also thought it was great to hear that a guy could have a celeb crush. I was very pleased with this and read it over about several times as well as showed a few of my friends. You did very well and it all fit perfectly. Great job. 5 owls out of 5.
~Owl