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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
i really do like this one its really creative. i think its a little on the dark side but thats good every now and then.
Alone with my thoughts I am immure.
Looking back I had locked too many doors.
I turn my back on this night, once more;
I turn my back on this life, once more.
this is the passage i like the most. keep writing for sure you are good
Thank you for your review
The last paragraph was my favourite too, I'm pretty sure it's because it flows so well, with 4 end-rhymes. The last couplet I had written aaaaages before the rest of the poem and I love them too :')
Thanks again, and enjoy your day!
"The night is cold and bitter, but full of life;
I can taste the love with every stride.
Its arms envelop me; dark, as I descend;
The twilight haze pulls me till the yonder end."
Oh wow, I love the rhyming and the emotions attached to these lines.
"Yesterday was bright, tomorrow will be dark,
The differences so little, but so stark.
I cannot fathom what this life will bring,
Tomorrow’s door is open, unhinged."
Sad, but I like it. I don't have any idea though why the writer is thinking negatively about the future, cheer up, yo!?
"A cleft I delve into and around I see,
A dark evening sky – dark like me.
Stars of hope, and a moon of wonder;
Soon it will be over, this descent down under."
Noooooo!!! I mean No, I don't know why I said that. I just kinda know what this stanza implys.
"Vultures in my mind as I settle down,
Cockroaches anticipate the meal they’ve found.
The barrel is cold – wet as it enters.
One solitary bang is all that comes out.
Alone with my thoughts I am immure.
Looking back I had locked too many doors.
I turn my back on this night, once more;
I turn my back on this life, once more."
Okey. Wow. Overall, the piece is kind of morbidish* but I do like the imagery applied. Keep writing yo!
Thank you, thank you - it's really great to hear from a veteran of this site, and from someone whose works I have read and admired!
I hear what you're saying about it being morbidish, which is exactly what I was going for! I wrote it following a lil' fight with the boss that resulted in me losing my job :') I wasn't suicidal by no means, just negatively charged and this was my cathartic release.
Thank you again, and take care, Hei
You have a beautiful style that almost causes the words to crescendo and diminuendo like music. I have issues with the ever-changing rhyme scheme, though. It makes it too disjointed, so that your poem becomes segmented rather than flowing from one stanza to the next. All the same, like I said before, your use of words is lovely. Absolutely beautiful. This produces such great imagery and flow. Tweak it here and there and you'll have a brilliant poem.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Thank you, that probably stems from the fact that I'm more of a prose writer than a poetry one, but I was in the mood for some poetry so I thought, why not? I myself was worried about the rhyme-scheme, but spent more time trying to make the rhythm balance out, but hey, it's a learning game.
Thank you very much for your review
I love the flow of this, and the rhyming is very well paired. Despite the dark in nature I loved it. Because to be honest without dark we would know nothing of light
keep at it - I would love to see more of your work