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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Oooooooooooooooooh, a Haiku! You don't get many of them on YWS!
I like the first line:
"Out here in dark space"
it introduces the subject matter like a haiku is meant to, so conventional so far. I wonder if you might use another word to dark. There's so much more to space than it just being dark. This seems like a slightly boring aspect of space to choose to focus on...
I also like the:
"Life is forlorn - far."
You've got some interesting things about space here.
I don't like the way you have a word which is part of the next line on this line and then the last line doesn't make sense.
This is OK, but because it is such a short poem all your words should be amazing, and they're not really...
Thank you, I'm just practising and I wasn't sticking to the conventions, any way.
I appreciate your feedback, and I'll take it on board, thank you!
Hmm. There are some things I immediately like: "Life is forlorn - far."
This makes me think of two sentences without using all the words required to actually form two separate sentences: Life is forlorn. Life is far. That second sentence is especially interesting. Because obviously the speaker is living and the speaker is in life, but from space, the life as most humans would refer to it is far from him/her. This pairs well with the oddly-phrased next sentence: does the speaker dream of the life back on earth/the home planet?
The things I don't like are the generalness of the first line. Dark space. Is it really that dark? Obviously when we look up from earth, it's dark because of our atmosphere, but out in space, there's black but there are also bright stars, still. Does it feel dark? It just seems too easy to call space dark. I would have liked to look at it in a new way to get me ready for the oddness of
"life is far". I also don't like the odd structure of the last sentence. But in, I have my dreams? In where? In the atmosphere? In dreams? Is this person actually talking from Earth and only dreaming of space? Because In is opposed to Out (which is in space). I guess it's not concrete enough for my tastes. It leaves me more confused than pleasantly pondering.
Hope this was helpful. PM me if you have any questions or comments! Good luck and keep writing!
'Dark space' taken as literal would perhaps be wrong, but this isn't necessarily the case here. The 'dark space' in one reading could refer to the ulterior meaning of death/depression/anxiety/angst, and "In" refers to the happiness that one carries with them.
Although, the original poem was about a lone astronaut and how he missed the planet, despite having his 'dreams' of voyaging around Earth.
Also, the "Out" and "In" contrast, I quite liked that when I wrote it. Hope that helps!
I dunno what to say! Should this be a review? Well a short one at least!
Haikus, well, I'm a lover of the kind of poem! Many people deem it easy, but I think it's actually very challenging because you need to put in all of these descriptions and symbols and words in only seventeen syllables. And I think in this piece, I found a lot.
I would like to commend how the ideas came in very easily in the piece. In one read, I quickly understand the more obvious meaning of the piece, dreaming far. Although, digging deep, I found better interpretations and even literal ones! This combination of ideas is what makes the piece a worth-while, albeit short, read.
I'm a bit befuddled, though, with the last part:
Okay, so I can consider far as a stop-then-continue description of life, but the latter line doesn't really connect. What exactly is 'in'? I think the idea for the latter part is a bit incomplete, and thus the finish of the haiku becomes strange. I wish that you look up on that part and see if you can do some improvements
That's all! I hope I helped!
Both reviewers seemed to have picked up on the odd use of "In" in the last line. One of the interpretations of the poem is depression: "In" would refer to the hope that the speaker feels inside, as opposed to the 'dark space' that surrounds them, but there are other reasons I used it too.
Also, please note that this is a pseudo-haiku, and doesn't conform to the conventions of what a Haiku should include!