Hi Honny, it's Professor Jade, let's begin! This one is long, so I'll tell you how many characters it is!
"Gideon, quit it!" I screeched, completely at my wits end with his endless ability of being annoying. For the last hour he'd been poking my side at every moment he could. The harmless, yet completely insanity invoking activity was starting to really make me agitated. His laughter echoing in my mind the whole time didn't help the urge to punch the nasty cut on his side...or to knock him off his horse and into the swamp beneath him. The level of my irritation was increasing with every passing second and yet, I was still glad to have him along with me.
Okay, what an interesting beginning. My first point is that you had a very sudden change of jump last chapter, so maybe you could ease into this a bit better, my second is you need a comma after hour, but today we won’t go over that too much unless it is needed, I hope to help you with your flow and punctuation more today, and hopefully go over almost every line.
He chuckled, thoroughly enjoying himself as he inched his way closer to me to poke me again. I whipped my head around to face him and growled. Of course, that did nothing to scare him and only made him whip his head back and laugh evilly.
Alright, we have a take-off! Let me rewrite this for you, Honny, in a more flowy way that can help clarify and engage readers and help with world peace! I’m exaggerating, of course, but here:
Thoroughly enjoying himself, he chuckled as he inched over to poke me yet again; I whipped my head around to face him and growled. Of course, it made him evilly laugh.
See, no needless words and much more flowy in my opinion. You could also benefit from changing the word “growl” to glare or something that doesn’t sound like Eleya escaped from a mental ward, but it does give her a spark of character.
"Oh Elaya, you make this way more fun than it has to be." He said, laughing with every word.
Remember my alter ego, Professor Jade? She’s back with a vengeance and I’m going to drop some knowledge on you.
First off, it is a rule of thumb to use a comma at the end of dialogue if there is any confusion, though, in your case, if there is an action followed by the sentence, as yours had, you can use a period.
Though, if there is a break for action in the middle of a sentence you can use a comma. Example:
“Lacey,” May asked as she shook her head, “Did you go to the zoo?”
But you can use a period if there are two separate sentences.
“I didn’t mean to.” she smiled sadly, “I’m sorry, do you forgive me?”
Well, that was unneeded but I thought you may benefit from it if you didn’t know the rules beforehand. Also, I can’t take all the credit, I found something to help me explain it, but I changed the terms and made it into my own words
"Are you kidding me!? I have kept my cool for more than an hour and you still found it fun! Don't put your annoying behaviour as my doing." I exclaimed, exasperated.
Alright, Honny, we have mentioned this. Do not, ever, for any circumstance, use two different punctuation marks on one sentence. This is reminding me of my eight-year-old diary entry days and I am severely uncomfortable. No, honestly though, beware of that!
He snorted, "You think you've been keeping your cool but you have no control on how your nose flares every time I touched you. It's really entertaining actually. See?" He asked before crossing his eyes to watch his own nose flare. I rolled my eyes but had to smile at the sight. He was a complete and utter buffoon.
Wow, okay I think italics are used to stress a word instead of bold. Now, there is nothing wrong with that, per se, but it feels less threatening in that way, bold makes it feel more passive-aggressive and ruins the tone you seemed to have set in mind.
Second, on should be over. Third, you may want to vary your sentences to help combine them and the flow. It won't feel the same and drag on like you fear, here is what I mean if I’m confusing you:
I rolled my eyes but had to smile at the sight. He was a complete and utter buffoon.
It could be written like so:
Rolling my eyes, I smiled at the sight of the complete and utter buffoon.
See how I put the verb clause thing at the beginning every now and then? A simple yet effective way to change things up and keep your readers entertained.
"I hate you."
"Do you really though?" He asked with a stupid grin on his face.
I rolled my eyes again, "Yes, Gideon, I really do."
Hon, there are two people, we know who's talking from the speaking style you give them, don’t be so liberal with your use of tags.
We get he asked with a grin, we can picture it. It drags on in that sense and is very indeed. I know you want to share how he’s acting, but it is unneeded and we’ve established that they’re kidding, and it has some light, airy, teasing tones to it, so they are unneeded. Try not using them so much and you’ll see it feels less stiff.
My other concern has to do with the relatability. Why is she feeling so, excuse my pun, “Giddy,” after her brother died, and she saw the body?
Maybe a somber tone while Gideon humors her and she plays along would be more fitting and not feel like such a jump. Just an idea, you know I’m not trying to write your book for you, but you understand what I mean. Please tell me if I’m unclear, I want to help and I hope I’m doing so, not confusing you further.
He was thankfully silent for a bit, leaving me to think about what the future could possibly bring. It held many options and I didn't know how I felt about any of them. Multiple ideas had appealed to me but weren't plausible or possible. If I could have my way, I would leave Zovalon completely and either go further East where the kingdom of Aenithage lies or sail to some faraway land. Staying in Zovalon, where my father had much power, didn't sound like a good idea. I needed to be free from fearing him. I knew myself and if I stayed, I never would be.
Alright, I have some help for you! Sit down, student.
You must change the paragraph every time your mental camera moves in your head.
There is a time skip of sorts.
The setting or action changes.
A new event occurs or a new idea comes about.
Something new comes along.
I don’t dislike your long paragraphs, they’re a signature of your style, make them as long as ossicle, just make sure you abide by the rules of writing, love!
His disruption of my thoughts made me think again. I couldn't ask him to leave his kingdom, his homeland, to run away from my problems. It wasn't right. I had to convince him that his place was with his parents but how I was going to do that was a mystery.
This is passive, let me rewrite it as an example of what kind of impact could correlate from a question like this, You have such good points, they just don’ pack as much of a punch as you hope, it seems.
His disruption of my thoughts made me think again. I couldn't ask him to leave his kingdom, his homeland, to run away from my problems. It wasn't right. I had to convince him that his place was with his parents but how I was going to do that was a mystery.
The unwelcome disruption of my thoughts changed things up, as I couldn’t ask him to leave everything he’d ever known and run from his problems, it wasn’t right. Instead, I had to convince him that it was a mysterious place involving his parents.
That seems like a more natural train of thought, taking out unnecessary terms and clauses.
Finally, I answered him, "I don't know. I can't stay in Zovalon while my father remains alive but every other option seems unrealistic. It's such a distance between here and Aenithage and sailing sounds dramatic. I'm thinking maybe we can find some remote spot somewhere and just camp out, I guess."
Honny, watch the tenses, the correct term should be sounded, they didn’t just teleport to the present, did they? 
Just watch out for that pesky clarity issue.
"Hm, no," he said with complete dismissal, "I'm not going to cower in a forest somewhere while he gets treated like a king. If we're leaving, we're leaving for good and we're not going to 'camp out'. So choose: Aenithage or across seas."
Yay, I have no critiques for a change. This is an interesting way to introduce the plot while keeping the readers engaged and not overloading them. Kudos!
I tried not to get irritated with him. I knew he meant well but I never asked him to come. He didn't have to camp out somewhere because his own father was trying to kill him. Not to mention, framed him for his brother's murder. Yes, maybe for a man, cowering in a forest wasn't an option but to a woman with survival on her mind, it was perfectly plausible.
Oh goodness, you’re telling not showing again. Let’s bring out the blackboard, we are going to go through this and remove it.
“I tried not to get irritated with him.”
I clenched my knuckles and bit my tongue, ignoring his remarks.
See, more of a showing that she’s irritated then telling us outright, which almost destroys the magic your plot has!
Let’s do another so you can see!
The ground swayed beneath her.
She felt nauseous.
Which one would you choose? Remember this, it is critical for your development as a writer.
"You know this is on you too, right? Why don't you help me figure this out instead of just throwing it all on me?" I suggested sweetly. I winced to myself as I heard the anger in my words. So much for trying to be subtle.
Again, watch those dialogue tags, that could have been revealed in another paragraph, so let’s try it.
“You know this is on me too, right? Why don’t you help me figure this out instead of just throwing it all at me?”
I had tried to be sweet, but the flash of worry in Gideon’s eyes made me wince as I recounted the anger in my tone; so much for trying to be subtle.
See, if it’s worded as something like that, the “Gideon glanced at me” would be unneeded from the next paragraph and it’ll be more to the point and clearer.
Gideon glanced at me, "Because it's up to you and where you feel comfortable. I don't care where we go as long as you're safe and alive."
Is this how people talk? I mean, that is so sweet and cute and I kinda ship it, but we should make it more natural, they are best friends. An inappropriate colloquialism (aka slang or cliches) won’t hurt when someone is talking, or give them an inside joke. You were doing well earlier, but the mood changed so fast it feels unreal, let it transition from playful to sparta playful to somber.
I felt my cheeks warm at the thought and didn't answer. Why should he care so much about whether or not I find someone? It's not like it would really affect him if I never got married and had kids. If he was fine with a forest, so was I. I knew there were some aspects of life that would be given up with this whole running-for-my-life thing and although it hurt, marriage was one of the main ones.
Okay, skipping down a bit to the next needed thing. This is wordy and you’re not portraying her emotions well, go back on my other suggestions and you can see what I mean when I say this feels a little stunted and forced.
The plot itself, though? I love it <3
"Gideon, this is going to sound weird coming from me but you need to start using your head, not your heart. I understand your concerns but I would rather survive then die for a hypothetical person." I said, feeling sick with every word. I hadn't thought of that aspect of it yet but the realization was awful.
Is that said I spy? In a moment like this, we want something more explanative if we’re going for tags. Why use said when you can use:
Snapped
Whispered
Added
Demanded
See, more descriptive and doesn’t take up place. I also must remind you to, show, don’t tell, please!
He snorted again, "Yeah, coming from you, I think I can repay the favor and ignore that tidbit of information. I will continue with what I'm thinking. I don't know about you but I'd rather die sooner then have to listen to you complain about it the rest of our lives," he paused as if seeing my protest and jabbed a finger at me, "Which I know you will!"
These sentences are short and choppy when he talks. When most people speak they tend to almost run-on, unless he is pausing, then state that fact.
"You're right when you say we can't stay in Zovalon. Bernard has ties everywhere throughout the kingdom. He's too old to travel himself but I have no doubt that he would send word to all his old cronies around with orders. I'm not one to take those kinds of chances. We have to leave. It's just which way we travel that's the question."
The speech feels more like they’re explaining their plan than talking normally. I know you’re trying to explain things to readers, but it can be gradual, hinted at. I know they’re trying to figure things out themselves, but be more subtle, Honny.
I was glad that he was finally taking some initiative in this. I hated making decisions for other people. Especially for one so opinionated on my own, personal life.
Hmmm, this is a bit short, let me do a little edit to show you how the flow can be improved.
I was glad he was finally taking some initiative on this, as I hated making decisions for other people; especially for one so opinionated on my own personal life.
I don’t think the comma is needed after own and I changed just the structure around.
I said, more to myself then to him.
Than, not then.
"Well, if I'm being honest, I would rather leave this place entirely. Leave it behind and start somewhere fresh. Somewhere with no ties, no fears and no identity." His attempt to hide the anguish in his voice failed miserably. I had no idea that's how he felt here.
Hmm, how did she know he had anguish. They may be friends, but maybe you’d be better off saying something like, “he sounded defeated.”
"Then we'll leave. I have nothing to keep me here." I answered softly. I didn't push him to elaborate on how he felt. I was dying to know where the sudden agony came from but if I spoke too soon, he would shut me out completely. He always came to me when he was ready to talk about it. Until then, I had to be patient and give him his space. It was one of the most difficult things for me to do. I wanted to help him through whatever was going on and to wait was almost against my very nature.
Alright, this stream of text should be its own paragraph after she speaks, as it’s so long and wordy. You over-explained somewhat, so I suggest dialing back on that.
A dark forest was on the other side but it sounded nicer then a swamp. Anything but a swamp, really, was better.
Than, Honny.
I took a deep breath, trying to calm my thoughts as I felt my chest begin to tighten again. Damn this sickness. I couldn't even think realistically without going in a fit of no breathing. I didn't know how it was going to affect me in the long run. Would I die young because of it? Become an old woman with no stories to tell?
Alright, this flow is a bit, odd, the short sentences are part of your style, but make sure they flow, and remember, don’t keep bad writing for sentimental sakes. Also, into a, not in a.
"I'm pretty sure we're going in the right direction but as soon as we get to Lindow, we need to get a map and some supplies." Gideon said. I nodded in agreement, not having enough air to reply. I didn't want him to be worried. He must have noticed, despite my attempts to hide it.
Remember what I said about said, it’s bland and can add even more flavor this soup. Ugh, bad metaphor but you understand.
"Are you ok, Elly?" He asked with heavy concern. That was exactly what I was trying to avoid. I nodded my head again which I knew wasn't going to help my case. He's known me too long to be fooled about this. He knew what was going on.
You keep doing bland words with adverbs to describe. THat’s all good for a few times, but using a less wordy term instead of said would clear up that flow, which is my main issue this chapter.
Without saying a word, he stopped his horse and got off. There was no point in protesting now. He wasn't going to let me do anything until the episode ceased.
This is all feeling somewhat rushed and can be described much better with a simple rewrite. Don’t worry, I won’t torture you with that, but you know what I’m gonna say. Vary
Gideon calmly sat beside me and held me in his arms, comforting me until it passed. He whispered quietly that it would be alright and everything would pass over and be forgotten. His hand rubbed my upper back in a circular motion. Years ago, John had figured out that it helped ease the tightness out of my chest. Why or how it did, we had no idea. It was like a small miracle in itself that the two boys had kept me alive this long.
Honny, wow, this is amazing! I was genuinely scared for a moment, but that’s sweet. My one concern are the sentences, but I’ll get off your back about that.
"No problem," he replied before meeting my eyes, his gaze hard and demanding, "Next time it starts again, don't hide it from me. I'm not here with you just for you to die because of your stubbornness. You got that?"
This could be two paragraphs, one for his no problem, one to describe how he’s looking. We rode in silence for several miles and I again, welcomed the silence. I knew I had no right to be frustrated. He was helping me survive and if he wanted to be sure I was well enough to continue, I had no right to be feeling frustrated towards him. He cared and that was more then I could say for any other man in my life. I should be thankful to have him with me and for his help. I had a strong feeling that I would probably die without his help.
Than, Honny. Also, the comma after again is unneeded. I’m almost skimming through things now, since we’ve discussed all my concerns.
"Ehh, it's fine. I've known you a long eighteen years so I know how you react to help and how you actually feel." He said simply.
Eh only needs one H, even if it is dragged out, two H’s feels like a mistake.
I forced myself to be happy. I wouldn't make it through this journey if I dwelled on the past. No matter how much I wanted to run back into the arms of my brother, I knew it would never happen. Sadness edged it's way back into my heart and I hung my head, letting it overtake me. The swamp around me blurred as tears slipped unwillingly down my cheeks. I pulled the hood of my cloak over my head, acting like I was cold. I didn't want Gideon to see.
Show, don’t tell. “I forced a smile,” is so much more descriptive and shows us how she’s feeling while telling us she’s not happy.
I rode in complete silence, masking my sobs into nothing.
You always have the most impactful endings!
OVERALL:
It didn’t drag on too much, it was a rather pleasant read, but I’ll admit I was nitpicking. I tend to do that but you’re a great writer! I can’t wait to move on to the next chapter and I hope this helps.
Points: 1578
Reviews: 232
Donate