Paths Crossed Chapter 1

Hello, Honny, you're awaited review! Let's just get started!

I watched as a man and cart on the path made its' way to the cabin I stood beside. I smiled as it became clear that it was one of my best friends, Gideon. I jumped down the two steps of the porch to run and meet him but stopped short as I took in his moist eyes.

Okay, let’s start with its’. That’s not needed. Its way is proper! Also, the first bit sounds a bit passive. Maybe rewrite it something like:

Smiling as I noticed who it was, I watched as a man and cart made his way to the cabin.

Cut out the unneeded words and combine some sentences! And it’s a stronger, more enticing opening.

"Gid, what's wrong?" I asked, the concern evident in my voice.

Okay, for me this one is a personal choice, but saying something more like: I felt the concern and panic creep into my voice, sounds better.

Evident is unneeded and while your flow is so good, it kind of slips it up!


When met with his silence, I took a cautious step toward the cart. I peered inside, a knot forming in my stomach as Gideon stayed completely still where he stood. A rough canvas, probably from the blacksmith's shop, was thrown over what looked like a body. A sick realization hit me as I reached for the covering, slowly pulling it away from the figure underneath.[/]

Honora, the length! Oh goodness, did the first one eat the second ?
Also, stayed completely still where he stood, is wordy and obvious. Gideon stayed still it more precise, descriptive and to the point. Sometimes I think description can be your downfall, leave some for the readers to imagine! Maybe split it to two at “A sick realization”.

But, let me not just critique you! You made me gasp when I realized, you’re great at toying with emotions.

[b]The air around me seemed to escape my lungs as I struggled to find breath. John's lifeless, once blue eyes met mine and I suddenly felt the weight of the world begin to crush me like I was nothing. I took a step back, not knowing how this could be happening.

Hmm, okay, so for most, when they find out someone dies it’s more of a shock, ringing in your ears, a numbness of sorts and all you can think is “I knew them.” It can take an hour to set in, though not always, that’s just me. This is a bit quick to react. Maybe dedicate a paragraph to her not believing it or her brain refusing to connect the dots, just to give a sense of depth and realisticness.


"Elaya, please," I faintly heard Gideon say softly. My breath was short as I turned and ran. Whether Gideon was calling after me, I didn't know. My sole focus was on getting away; far, far away from the reality that my brother, my only brother, was dead.

Um, you put this a bit too clearly. Leave some mystery, make the reader feel how she feels. Her mind is murky, scared, angry, sad, confused, right? So make it sound like she’s running from reality, her head reeling from the sight of her brother’s cold body.

Maybe not in those words, but it’s too articulate and clear for this situation. If you make it fuzzier, that may help. Of course, this si your book so please ignore me if I sound too demanding.

As I ran toward the horse's meadow, I subconciously slowed enough to grab the lead rope and try not spook him but the red stallion, Akela, could still feel my presence. His powerful stride would have caught my eye but all I could do was jump onto his back and urge him away from my home. I sobbed and buried my head into his back as he ran wildly to the other side of the meadow. Knowing he could easily jump the flimsy gate holding him in, I didn't care to make him slow his pace. He jumped it easily but I barely stayed on as we landed again on the other side.

Wow, again, too long to be one. Long and wordy, but we can break this down!

You spelled subconsciously wrong. Not to spook him is proper, and you’re using many periods when two sentences can be combined. I’m going to rewrite this to show that this is a great idea, just can be executed more clearly.

As I ran toward the horse’s meadow, I slowed to grab a lead rope, almost tripping over myself in my haste. Though I was trying not to spook him, I knew Akela could still sense my presence.

I jumped on his back, feeling his strong muscles under me, and urged him to leave, take me anywhere but here. Sobbing, I buried my head into his soft mane, my heavy stream of tears wetting it.

I braced but made him keep his pace as we approached the flimsy gate that held him in. We got closer and Akela jumped, making me slip and scream as I was almost jolted off, my heart now beating, along with the tears.

Okay, it’s not perfect but Iit flows a bit better, has variation and length, and reads easier. I dramaticized it, which is what we want in a situation like this.

It seemed an eternity before I came out of the stupor enough to make him stop by the river. Akela was bathed in sweat and was huffing heavily as he caught his breath. I stumbled off of him and numbly walked towards the river. Just a few minutes ahead was a fallen tree I often used as a spot to sit.

Again, vary the length because all the sentences feel the same!

Elaya!" I heard Gideon from a distance yell, his voice oddly high. I felt his arms lift me off the ground a minute later, bringing me to the realization that I had fallen. My mind was numb as he pumped my chest with a sense of urgency.

Okay, fact check. How did Gideon keep up with a horse, did he know where she was going. It would be best if you mentioned the horse ran toward them instead of away but Elaya was so shocked she didn’t notice?

He was right. I had to let my body take control or I would leave this world faster then anticipated. I uncurled my fingers and forced my chest to ease against the tension. Soon enough, I could feel the air slowly return to my lungs. I gasped eagerly for a moment before turning to meet Gideon's eyes.[.b]

Than, not then.

[b]"Why!?" I cried out, my heart torn as the loneliness set in with John's death.

Nothing to correct apart from don’t use two punctuation marks. It’s not correct and feels like a diary as opposed to a proper novel; I like your description in this, though!


I sat there, enveloped in his arms, temporarily protected from the reality awaiting me. I still had to face my father and tell him that his only son was dead. That only his daughter remained. How could I bear to see the disappointment creep into his eyes as he realized his prize was gone and he was stuck with only a daughter? A daughter could not continue his line of heritage...a daughter was not what he wanted.

Ouch, that’s sad. You say daughter too much, which rocks the flow, but not bad.

I could feel the calling of sleep coming to take control again but an angry voice interuppted my course, "That's exactly what the wench deserves! She's nothing and deserves as such."

It’s interrupted, not interuppted.

"Don't you speak of her like that! She is your daughter. If she was nothing she would have taken after her father and not Marian." I flinched inwardly as Gideon spoke those dangerous words. I wished he would stop. Any attempt meant with good intentions would only result in an even worse day for me.

I wished he would stop is bland, boring in a sense. It’s telling, not showing.

My heart beated faster and my mouth grew dry as he dug his own grave.

I breathed in sharply, my lip trembling and my hands shaking.

Praying he would stop, I gripped his arm warningly.

All more vivid and show she’s scared, it doesn’t just tell us she is.

"Who do you think you are, Gideon? You are a blacksmith's son and you speak to the King's former Ranger in that way? You'd do well to watch your tongue." My father's voice was dangerously low. His calm before the storm, I reckoned.

Ooh, tension! It’s weaved in well, Honora, but I reckoned takes the raw, fearful edge off.

"Ah, my little gerbil has awoken, praise the heavens," my father spat sarcastically before looking me dead in the eye, "It should have been you."

I can almost hear the venom in his words!

The flash of anger in his eyes was quick but dangerous glint was slow to leave. My heart thudded against my ribcage. I didn't know how he would react to the disrespect I had very clearly shown him. I expected the worst.

But the dangerous*

His smile was what warned me. I dodged just in time as he flung the wooden chair at me. It broke into pieces as it smashed into the wall behind me. I screeched as his cold hand wrapped around my wrist in my attempt to get away. Panic rose in my throat as his weight crushed me against the dirt and his other hand start crawling up to my neck. Was this it? Was he really going to do it this time?

Okay, so this is way too long to be read easily, it’s a bit passive, and watch the length! ALso, it’s started, not start. But that’s all I have to correct.

My father chuckled before straightening himself, "Get outta' my house boy."

"No."

"Don't take me as a fool," my father warned, "I will do whatever means necessary to get you, an intruder, off my property."

The way the father talks is a nice juxtaposition to Gidions, so maybe hold off on the dialogue tags. We can hear how they’re talking and it’s almost unnecessary.

Wrong move.Oh dear

"You're not worthy to speak of him! You shall never say his name again, you filthy milksop!" My father raged, almost throwing a fit like a child. He threw the vase of flowers to the ground before overturning the table. I jumped back, grabbing Gideon's arm to bring him with me.

I’m sorry, but milksop made me laugh. Again, watch out for those dialogue tags. “Almost throwing a fit like a child” is passive and flimsy.


Hearing a cry coming from the house, I gave John one last heartfelt glance and ran. Gideon and my father were on the small porch now, each block on Gideon's part becoming more and more tired and deperate.

Desperate. Also, oof, that is some good description. I’m two minutes in and you’re making me feel.

Gideon grabbed the reins of his horse, mounted and was galloping away with me in tow within seconds. I held on for dear life, wishing I had Akela's saddle underneath me to hold me on his back. Instead, I wrapped my legs tightly around his girth and let Gideon lead me away.

Oh my, oh my.


OVERALL:

This was pretty well done! You already know my thoughts and I hope this helped!

Jade

Hey!
That was a pretty impressive first chapter. It kept me engaged all the time and made me get more deeper into the story.From the very beginning you set a very intense mood with a lot of suspense. I could feel the pain and grief of Elaya. You have really made me curious to know more about the characters, especially Gideon.

"Ah, my little gerbil has awoken, praise the heavens," my father spat sarcastically before looking me dead in the eye, "It should have been you."

"And I will do whatever means necessary to protect John's sister." Gideon retorted.

Holy cow! Boy, I do not know how you manage it but this chapter really had me biting my nails. A great way to get a reader hooked...start with a death! I love how you put in the King's Ranger part. It really illuminated the time and gave a sense of mystery without revealing too much. I immediately made note on how you did that because it was so smooth and natural. That her own father was a King's Ranger, a notable and honorable role no doubt, and should treat his own daughter in such a way, it's so sad and really makes my heart reach out towards her.

Now, the way you ended this chapter has me on pins and needles. Obviously you left me wanting to know more and I'm so confused as to what will happen next. Sounds like her friend is in bad shape. He may die, or perhaps she will manage to save his life. But that will slow them down some. However, will her father even make an effort to go after her? Sounds like he doesn't want her at all.


Amazing work and I cannot believe you came up with this story as your first. Brava!!!

Sheildmaiden