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139,727 Literary Works • 672,669 Reviews
Hi Porcupine! I really like the first stanza. It gives me some imagery and hooks me. The rest of the piece feels rather vague, as previous reviewers have stated. I would love to have a stronger sense of what happened to the speaker to turn them into an "automaton" and what brought them back. Also, the excessive capitalization really threw me off. That can work in a story, where the reason for this emphasis can be explained (e.g. He Who Must Not Be Named), but in this short piece I just find it confusing. There doesn't seem to be a reason for it.
I would make the story more clear with images of what is going on rather than these abstract thoughts. You start off strong in the first stanza, so I feel like this piece has potential. Keep writing!
Hi there.
I enjoy your theme; that you're going to continue to improve.
However, there are some issues that need to be addressed.
This poem is entirely abstract. You're talking concepts and metaphors that I can't grab or see or smell (with the exception of a few concrete nouns that still don't do much for me).
My advice is to be specific. If you've gone through something that made you new, that is going to make you better, tell us about it! Let us see what happened. Right now, I haven't the foggiest idea of what specifically happened to you.
Your poem is like your friend whispering in your ear during lunch, "I have a secret to tell you, but I can't tell it to you now," and then never telling you the secret no matter how much you beg them to. It's agonizing not to know.
But think of it this way: I don't know you personally. So when someone I don't know whispers in my ear, "I have a secret but can't tell you now," I shrug my shoulders and say, "well, it's not really my problem, is it? I don't care." If you're not specific, it's very easy for a reader to lose interest in your writing.
It was a pleasure to review this poem. Keep writing.
Hello HomelessPorcupine and welcome to my review.
The first thing I want to pick at:
The rest of your poem has solid grammatical structure, making me expect that this is the norm - but this sentence really throws me off. It either needs to be changed all together or, at least, the punctuation needs to be corrected. It made it difficult for me to follow this stanza.
My overall feeling in this poem is.. nothingness. I'm not following it and I have no idea what you're talking about. It's vague. I get the overall-ness: you are something new, you don't recognize it, and will you continue to be something even better? Then something about a work, and having to make it with blood - and being alone. I just couldn't follow it beyond that though, and the left me feeling nothing, relating to nothing, experiencing nothing.
I'm not sure if you had something more specific in mind - if you did, please help me see it - but I don't think it came across the way you intended. You may need to step away from the poem, and the subject matter, and try again in a weeks time. I feel like I would appreciate this more if I could understand it, follow it, and relate to it.
Hope this review helps, cheers.