Hey there Holly!
I know this is a rather old chapter but I was starting to review your most recent chapter, and decided to just jump back to the beginning. The title of "Outsiders" makes me think of a lot of things from pop culture, mainly because it's circled around a lot of different plots. People like to use it.
So mainly I think of aliens, judging from the character descriptions that are right above me.
Othero shivered and pulled his cloak tighter around him as he hiked forward. It was cold. It was always cold. The dark expanse of the forest surrounded him; black trees wrapped in fog. His feet sank with every step, mud swallowing them with every step. “Keep going.” He muttered through clenched teeth. “Just. Keep. Going.”
I always like to start by talking about the title, the first sentence and the first paragraph. That's just my method, so my first thought about this first paragraph, is that you need to split it up into several parts. Here's just one possible thing.
Othero shivered and pulled his cloak tighter around him as he hiked forward.
It was cold. It was always cold.
The dark expanse of the forest surrounded him; black trees wrapped in fog. His feet sank with every step, mud swallowing them with every step.
“Keep going.” He muttered it through clenched teeth.
“Just. Keep. Going.”
Okay so maybe you don't need to split it up that much but the general message here is that you've got so many of these ideas, all happening at the same time, and they just need more distance.
And besides the more technical things that I've spent a lot of time on, this first paragraph is not telling the reader too much. But the critical thing here is that the main character is identified and a small hint is given to the setting. The opening line isn't bold or flashy, but compared to the other things that I see going on, it's probably best to stick with that current way.
A thing that I saw the other reviewers commenting on is the fact that this is labeled as a prologue. And while there's a couple of ways of looking at this, I'm going to recommend that you label it otherwise. Because something that happens in the real world and on yws, is that a reader has the possibility of just skipping right over the prologue.
So if you want it to matter and make sure its read, think about reclassifying it.
Now I guess that I should probably move on.
The descriptions in the middle weren't really doing that much, they were certainly eery and creepy and somewhat grabbing for the audience, but still for me they don't do much. They have the same recurring things, mainly just being dark and gloomy. So I'm not going to comment much on that, as it's not the main points of focus for a reader.
The secondary thing that they'll be focusing on, is the end.
Then the world went black...
You end a scene and you have the character passing out, in one way or another, the world going black means some sort of passing out. And while this is kinda okay to be happening, it's also regarded as being kinda cheap and cliche. So maybe it'll work for you but as an ending to a story, it just leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth.
That's all for now.
- lizz
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
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