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Young Writers Society


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Outsiders Chapter 4

by HollyM64


Finally found the time to write out this chapter and honestly, I think this is the one I'm most proud of so far. Also, please correct my Spanish if it is wrong. It was meant to be "what the hell are you doing" but I am rusty.

Emmy spent much of the rest of the day unpacking. Raven had shown her to her bed (opposite her own as it turned out) then escorted her to the dining hall for dinner and now, Emmy was back in the dorm, organising her things. The four-poster was next to the door and was in a room with seven others. It wasn't cramped by any means, but it did have a cosy feel to it. Midnight blue curtains hug around her bed with a black carpet covering the floors. Some of the beds were well made and tidy, others had books, notes and clothes piled on, or around them.

As she pushed some stray hair out of her face, her hand brushed against the strange flower she’d picked during her walk with Carter. This place was certainly not what she’d expected. Her old school had been nice, but she’d never really talked to many people there. Carter, Calvin and Raven had instantly managed to ease her nerves, as had Logan, brief though their meeting was. Still, the rumours that Raven had mentioned to her would not leave her head...

Emmy jumped as the door opened and she allowed herself a small smile as she realised who it was.

“Uh..s-sorry...I didn't know anyone was here.” Felicity stuttered out, quickly looking down and closing the door, “I was just getting something.”

Emmy smiled wider, the girl’s voice was soft, but it had a very strong English accent, though less posh than Logan’s had been. It suited her

Play it cool. Just play it cool.

“It's no problem, I mean this is your dorm too right?” The brunette smiled shyly, walking past Emmy, to the bed next to her. “Guessing we're neighbours then?” Emmy tried to joke.

“Guessing we're neighbours?” Come on Emmy, you're better than this.

Felicity looked at her quickly before shaking her head, “Sorry, I've forgotten my manners, I'm-”

“Felicity Eldritch, so I've heard. I'm Emilia, most people just call me Emmy.”

The brunette fidgeted, looking away again and Emmy quickly followed up with “Nothing bad, I swear. About you, I mean. I haven't heard anything...ugh let me try that again. Hi, I'm Emmy, I'm... an idiot.” She felt a blush creep its way onto her face.

Smooth. Real smooth Winters.

Felicity breathed out a quiet chuckle and Emmy felt her heart jump slightly at the sound. Hesitant as it was, it was genuine and Emmy felt a sense of pride at the accomplishment.

“Hello, Emmy. I'm Felicity and talking to people isn't my strong suit either.” She replied, the ghost of a smirk forming on her lips.

Felicity knelt and pulled a book out from under her bed, hugging it close to her chest like a shield. As she stood, her eyes landed on the flower. “You're not supposed to pick those.” Felicity said quietly, the slight joking lilt gone, and this time Emmy was sure she saw the girl’s eyes change, the same way Carter’s did when they'd been in the gardens.

“You guys take those flowers really seriously, don't you?” Emmy chuckled, pulling it out of her hair and placing it by her bed. Felicity gave a small smile and looked down, pushing a piece of dark hair behind her ear and Emmy managed to catch a glimpse at the book’s cover, “Shadow over Innsmouth.” She stated, a smirk forming on her face, “You’re a Lovecraft fan then?” Felicity blushed and looked down.

“Well, Eldritch by name, eldritch by nature.” The lilt was back and Emmy couldn’t help but laugh, causing Felicity’s smile to grow.

Dunwich Horror and The Outsider were always my favourites. You?”

“I don’t really have one. I read Cats of Ulthar when I was seven and I loved it. I do love Call of Cthulhu though. I know there are big problems with his writing but I just love the mythos he created.” The brunette's smile dropped suddenly, “My uh...my brother got me the Necronomicon for my birthday last year.”

“Othero, right?” Emmy asked, hesitantly. Felicity’s head shot up at the name and she suddenly looked very pale. Emmy raised her hands in a peaceful surrender, “I heard the name from one of the other kids. Nothing else.” She really didn’t want to lie to Felicity, but she’d just managed to get the girl to talk to her.

“I-I have to go.” Before Emmy could respond, Felicity had practically darted past her and disappeared out of the door.

“Well, it’s more than I’ve gotten out of her in weeks.” Raven sighed. It was past lights’ out, but being unable to sleep the two had decided to head to the, now empty, common room and Emmy had wasted no time in talking about her encounter with Felicity. “And she just ran off-?”

“The second I mentioned her brother’s name? Yep.” Emmy sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

“What are you lovely ladies doing up?” Both girls jumped and turned to look up. Logan was stood by them, red hair a mess and dressed in pyjama shorts and a black hoodie.

“Qué demonios estás Haciendo?!” Snapped Raven, drawing a laugh from Logan.

“Sorry R didn’t mean to scare you.” He chuckled, “Just couldn’t sleep.”

“Neither could we.” Said Emmy, shimmying over on the couch to let Logan gracefully flop down beside her, “Just talking about my run-in with the famous Felicity Eldritch.”

“You met her?” He asked.

“More than that,” Said Raven, “Emilia here got her to talk.” Logan’s eyes widened, almost comically.

“Talk as in an actual, human conversation? With words coming out of her mouth and everything?” Emmy nodded and Logan gave a low whistle, “You are braver than I, Miss Winters.” The blonde rolled her eyes.

“She really doesn’t seem that bad.”

“She’s a strange one is what she is.”

“And apparently she’s the devil,” Interjected Raven, suddenly much quieter, “Speak and she shall appear. Look.”

Their spot was by one of the widows with a bookcase beside it, partially hiding them from view. Peering past it, Emmy and Logan spotted a small brunette quietly closing the door to the dorms. Felicity was fully dressed, jeans, trainers and a t-shirt, but most of her body was engulfed in a long, emerald green cloak. She glanced around the room quickly as she walked to the door of the common room, pulled it open, almost silently, before she raised the hood of the cloak and slipped out.

“I knew it!” Whispered Raven, “I knew she was sneaking out!”

Emmy looked at the floor for a second, before standing up and heading to the door.

“Emilia, what are you doing?” Asked Logan.

“What does it look like? I’ll lose her if I don’t go fast!” She’d barely finished the hushed reply, before she too, was through the door.

The stairs were almost totally dark, save for small slivers of moonlight that broke through the slit windows. Emmy walked carefully, but quickly, afraid to fall but also refusing to lose the mysterious girl. She pulled her phone out and used the screen to watch the steps, afraid the torch would make her too obvious. The walk was eerily silent, the wrong kind of quiet, like a playground abandoned in the winter. It weighed down on her, suffocating her as she reached the bottom and scanned her surroundings. She caught a glimpse of the green cloak as Felicity passed by a window and she followed after her.

Felicity walked faster than Emmy would have given her credit for, ducking down corners and navigating the darkness perfectly. Emmy followed at a distance, keeping her in eyeline as they moved. The school seemed more terrifying at night, not just because of the size, but Emmy swore she could feel something. Something very, very wrong. Her bare feet padded almost silently against the wooden floor and then met cold stone as she followed Felicity outside.

Even the air seemed suffocating.

They walked down to the bed of flowers and Emmy had to stop for a second as her mind processed what it was seeing. The flowers were glowing. Not brightly, not obvious from a distance, but a soft glow that illuminated her face and made the path visible in the night.

What the hell?

For a moment, she feared she had lost her target, but the various shades of blue and purple reflected off of green velvet as the smaller girl made her way towards the surrounding forest. Emmy took another moment to clear her mind before resuming her tailing.

Everything felt still as she entered the forest. Her eyes strained to make out simple shapes in the dark and the trees almost seemed to judge her as she crept through them. She walked for a few minutes before she felt her heart pick up. In the near-dead silence, the snapping of a twig to her left was heart attack inducing. Had she imagined it?

No. No, there was something there. She could feel it. Emmy froze in place, eyes scanning the area. There was no sign of Felicity, she had no idea how far into the forest she had gone and she felt the realisation sink in. She was alone and she was lost.

Then came the growl.

A low, deep noise that stirred a primal fear in her. Her eyes strained and focused on a crouched animal figure; as big as a wolf and about two feet away. It stalked closer, ready to pounce and Emmy couldn’t tell whether she should stay absolutely still or run as fast as possible in the opposite direction.

It came closer and Emmy could make out blood-red eyes and sharp teeth and hackles. It barked once, then leapt.


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Sun Dec 30, 2018 5:03 am
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Holly,

Shady here with a quick review for you this fine Review Day! My style tends to be going through and pointing out things (positive and negative!) that I notice as I'm reading, then give a general summary at the end. Let's get started...

Raven had showed her to her bed (opposite her own as it turned out) then escorted her to the dining hall for dinner and now


So, I generally strongly advice against using parentheticals in prose. It's an effective way to add in non-essential but clarifying information sometimes, but it really doesn't make for the greatest of stories. I'd suggest using commas and changing the phrasing a bit... i.e. "Raven had showed her to her bed, which ended up being opposite hers, then escorted her..." or something similar.

“Guessing we're neighbours?” Come on Emmy, you're better than this.


Is this a thought? If so, I would suggest italicizing all of it. I had to read it a few times to understand what was going on, seeing as the quotation marks makes it seem like more dialogue, and she'd just said that and I was wondering why she was repeating herself. The thought is good, I just think you need to write it in a way that makes it more apparent that it's a thought rather than a new piece of dialogue -- and italics are generally a good way to do that.

“Qué demonios estás haciendo?!” Snapped Raven, drawing a laugh from Logan.


Is there a reason she uses Spanish? I'm jumping into this three chapters late so it's entirely possible that you've already explained this and I would know if I'd read in order (apologies, if so)... but just jumping in it doesn't seem to be extremely necessary? Like, I saw your A/N that you're not 100% sure if the Spanish is correct, and your average reader probably isn't fluent in Spanish. So, like, I could Google this is if I wanted to know, but that's honestly just a lot of work for a reason that doesn't seem apparent to me, yet, you know? Why have dialogue that your readers probably won't understand?

It came closer and Emmy could make out blood-red eyes and sharp teeth and heckles.


Do you mean hackles? Heckle is when like someone is speaking and someone from the audience starts yelling insults at them. Hackles is what dogs raise on their neck when they get upset.

~ ~ ~ ~

Okay! Overall this was really good! Description is a definite strength of yours. You gave us a rich mental picture of the scene which really added to the drama of all of it.

I'm also really interested by your characters! Obviously, jumping in now, I didn't fully understand all the intrigue surrounding Felicity -- but I trust you've set that up well in the previous chapters.

All in all a good chapter! Great job!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

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Wed Oct 31, 2018 9:42 pm
LRDay wrote a review...



Hi! Hope your day is going well! I loved this, it is spectacular! What a complex, diverse set of characters you have here. I will admit, I have not read any of your previous work so I am not caught up on the plot, but the way you convey the story fills in a lot of the blanks. Your description is wonderful, I could imagine these places you've put forth here very well, and I especially enjoyed the bit of mystery at the end. Can't wait to find out what happens next!

The only thing I might point out is a small grammatical error in this sentence: "It came closer and Emmy could make out blood-red eyes and sharp teeth and heckles." I believe the word you are looking for is "hackles", not "heckles", if you are describing the ridge of fur that raises on the neck and shoulders of an animal, which it sounds like you are. Other than that, it was lovely! Keep up the good work!





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