Chapter 1
The first impression of the Byrnison Academy and Boarding School that Emilia had was that it was huge. From the outside, the building had resembled a combination of fancy manor houses she’d seen in history books and Hogwarts. A towering structure of moss-covered stone, complete with giant window panes, stained glass and even goddamned parapets. Inside, it was equally grand, with wooden panels lining the walls, an ornate bannister leading up a dark red staircase and large, oak doors complete with intricately decorated door knobs. It was the real-life version of what every American kid thinks a private school in England should be.
It was for exactly this reason that Emilia Winters’ second thought was:
“I am really not meant to be here.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” her father smiled, as they followed a tall, slightly scary woman through the long corridors, “You’ll be fine.”
A, strangely out-of-place, elevator caught Emilia’s eye. Very 1900s style, complete with a gold metal gate that acted as a door.
“Don’t get any ideas.” Snapped the woman. Since the moment she’d started guiding them through the school, the woman had seemed cold. Her face was pale and gaunt, she was slender and rigid postured and her attitude did very little to ease the girl’s nerves. Emilia looked at the floor, sheepishly, before continuing to walk.
The woman stopped in front of a dark wooden door with two engraved, brass signs on it. If it was possible for a door to look imposing, this door would succeed. Emilia felt as if the thing was judging her.
Headmaster’s office.
Professor H. Eldritch.
“The Professor will be with you soon,” said the woman, shortly, as she pushed the door open, “Make yourselves comfortable.” Her tone was harsh in comparison to her words and Emilia was more than happy to slip past her and into the room, if only to get away from her.
A quiet gasp escaped her as she entered. The room was beautiful. Bookcases lined every wall, with huge, gold-framed oil paintings hanging above them. A pale blue and black fire decorated the floor; flames intricately stitched into the carpet and stretching out into the room. Two large armchairs sat in front of a mahogany desk. The window behind said desk looked out on bright green grounds, and Emilia could vaguely make out students walking below them.
“Dad, I really don’t know about this.” She said as she heard the door close behind her. She heard a quiet chuckle behind her before hands rested on her shoulder to turn her around. Identical blue eyes met as her dad brushed a strand of dirty blonde hair out of her eyes. He smiled before pulling her into a hug.
“This is one of the best schools I could find for you, Emmy.” His voice was confident, comforting in a way that it had always been to her. He pulled away and lifted her chin to look at him. “It’ll be good for you. A completely new start.”
Emilia sighed and walked over to one of the armchairs, with her dad following to sit next to her. “I don’t understand why I couldn’t just go to a public school.”
“Oh come now, my school isn’t that bad.” The humorous voice caused Emilia to jump and turn to the door. A rather eccentric looking, older man, dressed in a checked blue and grey suit with a long brown, but greying, beard was stood there. He was a little on the chubby side and his round face was slightly red, but his eyes sparkled with something that Emilia couldn’t identify. He approached them with a smile and her father stood up to shake his offered hand. “Hastur Eldritch, Headmaster of this fine establishment.”
“Edward Winters,” her father returned the smile, before proudly gesturing to her, “And this is my daughter-”
“Emilia Winters. Your application was very impressive to read, young miss.” He extended his hand, and she shook it quickly. “I hope Larissa wasn’t too short with the two of you, she isn’t the warmest of women.” Taking a seat behind the desk, Professor Eldritch pulled a file out of a drawer and opened it in front of. “Now, let’s see here. Emilia Winters. Seventeen years of age, top of her classes at Miami Jackson, excellent reports and grades, yes you are going to be an excellent addition to my school.” Emilia blushed and looked down at the praise, causing the elder man to chuckle quietly. She wasn’t sure why, but hearing him speak seemed to help her relax.
“Em’s a little nervous to be here.” Said her father, placing a hand on her shoulder. The professor smiled again, this time focusing on her.
“I understand, new schools are always an experience, aren’t they? Not to worry, young one, I’m sure you’ll fit right in.”
A knock sounded against the door, before the scary woman (Larissa, the professor had said) pushed it open, revealing a dark-skinned boy in a wheelchair.
“Ah, your guide has arrived!” Exclaimed the professor, rising from his chair as the boy entered. “Carter, meet Emilia, Emilia, Carter.” Emilia stood and accepted Carter’s extended hand.
“Nice to meet you.” Carter’s voice was deep but had a distinct lilt to it that immediately put her at ease. She smiled at him, before turning back to her dad.
“Go on,” he said, “I’ll finish up here, then I’ll get out of your hair.” She leaned down to hug him and kissed his cheek before straightening up.
“Your bags have already been taken to your dorm. Carter will show you around. I’m sure the two of you will get along swimmingly.” Professor Eldritch guided them to the door, a comforting hand on Emilia’s shoulder.
“Oh, and Miss Winters? Welcome to Byrnison Academy.”
I'm not *that* convinced about how this turned out, mainly because it led to a complete re-outline of plot, so any feedback on this would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
Edit: Slightly happier with this chapter now lol.
Hmm not bad well written. Though I reccomend using more descriptive words. And try to describe what she feels like. What does she feel like entering school? What would you feel like? Would your stomach be in knotts?
Good job otherwise. I hope this didn't hurt you in anyway keep up the good work!
Radrook here for a review. Please feel free to reject any advice deemed unhelpful.
No offense intended but if I do offend, you have my apologies.
That being said,
Thanks for sharing this very interesting story about a young lady who is being introduced into a new schooll while accompanied by her father. The way that the school is described helps to set foreboding worrisome mood and foreshadows the drama that will develops later. The mysterious woman who accompanies them is a good addition. The school does seem somber by the tume sghe reaches the professors office which itself seems rather oddly decorated. . The comparison of the place with Harry Potter architecture helped me to visualize the place much better.
Suggestions:
It would be nice to describe the creepy lady in detail to intensify her creepiness. More descriptive details for the dark-skinned boy and the professor would also be nice. You know, such as facial features, nationality resemblance, approximate ages, height, body type. the same applies to Emilia herself and her dad.
humourous [humorous]
appriciated. [appreciated]
.....intricately[-]decorated door knobs. [Please briefly describe the decorations.]
....an ornate bannister.... [Exactly how was it ornate?]
....goddamned parapets.... [Found the swearing distracting.]
salightly scary woman.... [Please tell us how she was slightly scary.]
....up a dark red staircase.... [To differentiate between dark as in darkness and dark to modify the word red, a hyphen can be used. dark-red.]
Had to pause to look up Hogwarts.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hogwarts
“Don’t get any ideas[,]” [s]napped the woman
about this[.]” [s]he said.
“He loved you[,]” [s]he said.
“Em’s a little nervous to be here[,]” [s]aid her father,....
Single line with dialogue tag (attribution) following
The dialogue is enclosed in quotation marks. A comma follows the dialogue and comes before the closing quotation mark. A period ends the sentence. Punctuation serves to separate the spoken words from other parts of the sentence.
Because the dialogue tag—she said—is part of the same sentence, it is not capped.
http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/pu ... -dialogue/
Oo! I like the whole vibe of Byrnison Academy. I like it a lot, in fact. 
"'Don’t get any ideas.' Snapped the woman.""From the outside, the building had resembled a combination fancy manor houses she’d seen in history books and Hogwarts. A towering structure of moss-covered stone, complete with giant window panes, stained glass and even goddamned parapets. Inside, it was equally grand, with wooden panels lining the walls, an ornate bannister leading up a dark red staircase and large, oak doors complete with intricately decorated door knobs."
Hey Holly! I'm back for a review on this first chapter!
So, here we are in the actual first chapter, rather than the prologue. Prologues are tricky, and a lot of people will tell you just not to do them, because it can be frustrating for readers to get invested in one part of a story and then suddenly switch to another, with no idea if/when we'll go back to that one. It means you really have to work to draw the reader in in the first chapter as well as the prologue - it's like writing two separate beginnings.
And you did a pretty good job! This beginning was engaging, and I am interested in Emilia. But I am still more interested in Othero, so I'm hoping we'll return to his story later. Still, it's always worth it to ask yourself - do I really need a prologue? I don't know the answer in this case - it's your choice.
I really like the description of the school - it has a lot of character and you use it to show Emilia's mindset as well as telling us what the school actually looks like. Because of that connection to her character, the description of the school was actually an effective introduction rather than being boring. You also showed her relationship with her father pretty well.
I'm definitely interested in Carter, although we don't really know much about him yet. I figure he's going to be her main friend. (If there's one weakness of this chapter, it's that things play out very much as expected - it's not cliche or anything, but it is a little predictable compared to all the stuff we didn't know in the prologue. I don't know that there's anything you can/should do about it at this point, though - it would be something for future drafts after you've written the whole story.)
“Don’t be ridiculous,” her father smiled, as they followed a tall, slightly scary woman through the long corridors, “You’ll be fine.”
A, strangely out-of-place, elevator caught Emilia’s eye. Very 1900s style, complete with gold metal gate that acted as a door.
“Don’t get any ideas.” Snapped the woman. Emilia looked at the floor, sheepishly, before continuing to walk.
She heard a quiet chuckle behind her, before hands rested on her shoulder to turn her around. Identical blue eyes met as her dad brushed a strand of dirty blonde hair out of her eyes.
Hello! It's me again.
First off, I'm confused at the introduction of a boarding school. Going back to my rant about Prologues, this disjunction of the world introduced in the prologue compared to the world introduced here is just really jarring. This is why I say that novels are better off starting at the beginning. Also, where's Othero?
That said, my initial confusion persisted through this first chapter, and I found it hard to really connect with Emilia, but I'm sure things connect at some point. I did enjoy the descriptive parts though, especially with the office. I feel much more secure in this world, with how it looks and the general air of it. And inclusion! We have a disabled boy who isn't white! I really enjoyed seeing that bit of diversity here.
I'm not sure where this is going, but that might just be my impatience showing.
There were a few grammatical mistakes here and there, but I feel like getting into it would just draw this review out too long. That's all I really have to say here though.
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