So I'm seriously struggling with exams/writers' block so this might not be a regular update, but any feedback is appreciated!
Chapter 2
“Right, so the Admin floor,” Explained Carter, as he led her down the corridor, and towards the grounds, “Best to avoid. Ms Gering, that’s the scary “I-hate-my-job” lady, is a bit of a twat to students.” He winked at her, and Emilia couldn’t help but giggle. She had followed him to the gold-gated elevator, stopping abruptly when he wheeled himself in. He’d stared at her for a second before smirking.
“My own personal way to get around. Eldritch had it installed for me.” They stepped in and Carter pressed a button. For the first time, she got a good look at the boy. He was dressed casually; blue jeans and a grey hoodie emblazoned with the school logo (an hourglass surrounded by blue flames) along with the words Byrnison Academy Basketball, in dark red letters. His hair was cut short, occasionally he would run his hand over it to smooth it down, and his hazel eyes seemed to swirl...almost like...
The elevator dinged.
“Come on, lots to see!” Said Carter with a smile.
Indeed there had been. A canteen and dining area that resembled a banqueting hall, classrooms with wood panels and gorgeous watercolours decorating the walls, a gym twice the size of any house Emilia had ever lived in that managed to house a basketball/netball court, gymnastics equipment and an indoor swimming pool.
The elevator came to a stop on the ground floor and she followed him out into the lobby she’d entered through, only this time, there were a few students walking through or standing in corners talking.
“Free period,” Said Carter, leading her down another hallway, “Most kids meet up in there, then go wherever they want.”
“Carter!” A redheaded boy a little way down the hall called, jogging up to them. The two fist-bumped, before the newcomer turned his attention to her, “And who’s this fine lady?” His voice sounded incredibly posh as he took her hand. Emilia blushed, then laughed as Carter face-palmed.
“Emilia Winters.” She replied, “Emmy for short.”
“A regular American Beauty with a fittingly beautiful name.”
“Logan, can you please not hit on the new girl?” Carter’s face was still in his hand, his voice exasperated. “At least wait until I’ve shown her around.” The boy, Logan, chuckled.
“I was just saying hello. Logan Austin Ashworth, a pleasure to meet you.” He smiled, bending at the waist to bow. Emilia laughed, smirking at the two of them.
“I don’t mind. Besides, it’s kind of funny.”
She had to admit, Logan was attractive. Tall, with an air of self-assurance, red hair styled so that it formed a small peak above his forehead and bright blue eyes. Granted, the white shirt and black uniform trousers did hang off him slightly, and the dramatics were a little uncalled for, but he seemed pretty cool.
“Don’t you have someone else to annoy?” Asked Carter, finally looking up from his hand. His sleeve had rolled up slightly and Emilia could have sworn she saw a pale blue line leading down from his wrist.
“Unfortunately, I do. I bid thee farewell, fair maiden.” Carter groaned as Logan waved, before jogging back towards the lobby.
“Sorry about him.” Said Carter, as he led her outside, “He’s from some rich family in Kent. You’ll get used to him.” Emilia laughed.
“Don’t worry about it, he’s handsome but not my type.”
They made their way through the gardens, with Carter pointing out various buildings as they went; the gym, the library and so on, before leading her down small, almost hidden paths lined with beautiful flowers. Purples, pinks, yellows and especially blues, stretched as far as the eye could see.
“Professor Eldritch is very fond of the grounds,” Carter explained, “Students tend to help with its upkeep in the winter so the flowers come back brighter in the summer.”
“I’ve never seen some of these plants before.” Said Emmy, leaning down to pick a dark blue flower with light blue specks across its petals that resemble stars.
“Yeah, they’re pretty rare.” Carter’s voice had a slight edge to it that gave Emmy pause, “Maybe don’t do that.” He said, gesturing to the flower in her hand before continuing down towards the river, just visible through a small stone arch. After a second’s hesitation, Emmy followed, threading the flower into the hair beside her ear.
“You have any brothers or sisters?” Carter asked as she caught him up, the edge now gone from his voice.
“Uh no.” She replied, slightly shocked by the subject change, “You?”
“I have a twin, Calvin. He’s in class right now.” He smiled, somewhat wistfully, “He’s my best mate. Been there for me through everything.”
Emmy hesitated for a second, “Everything meaning…?” She vaguely went to gesture at the wheelchair, then retracted her hand and looked away. Carter laughed.
“You mean, including the crippling? It’s okay, a lot of people ask about it.” His smile dropped to a more neutral expression as he went on, “I had an accident, couple of years ago now. Broke my spine in two places. Managed to survive obviously but I’m on wheels for the rest of my life.” He tapped the top of one of the wheels of his chair as he spoke.
“I’m sorry.” Said Emmy, not really knowing what else to say, “I can’t imagine what that must be like.”
Carter nodded, “Yeah, sucks just a little bit.” And then the smile was back, “Upside though, I no longer have to run 6 flights of stairs to get to English and I almost always win races to the river!” He winked at her, then sped off down the rest of the path. It took her a second for her brain to catch up, before Emmy smiled too.
“Hey! That’s cheating!” She sprinted after him, the two of them laughing as they passed under the stone arch.
Emilia stopped as Carter turned to follow a stone path that ran parallel to the river. “Emmy, you okay?” His voice was muffled as all of Emmy’s attention became focused on a single point to her left.
A little way away, maybe a few feet, was a small wooden bench that faced out to the river, and on it was the most beautiful girl Emmy had ever seen. Her wavy hair was a deep brown, reached well past her shoulders and was a stark contrast to her pale skin. She was dressed simply; a white blouse, black jeans and a black leather jacket, a notebook open in her lap and a pencil in her hand. Her forehead was creased, in concentration or worry Emmy couldn’t tell, and she seemed tense, but even so, she was beautiful. The girl looked up and for a split second, the two locked eyes. Emmy internally gasped; the girl’s eyes were a piercing grey that seemed to look straight through her, but even from where she stood, Emmy could see a sort of pain in them. The blonde smiled and raised her hand in a small wave and the mystery girl seemed to go to respond in kind, before quickly stopping herself and looking away with a shake of her head. She gathered her things and ran off.
“Earth to Emmy, can you hear me?” Emmy jumped as she turned back to Carter, who had a far too amused look on his face.
“Who was-?”
“Felicity Eldritch.” He said, cutting off her question. “Hastur’s granddaughter. She’s…” He seemed to choose his words carefully and for a moment, she swore she saw his eyes swirl and change. Emmy blinked, must have been the lighting. “She’s shy beyond belief, but she’s a good friend to have. One of the best actually.” Carter checked his watch and winced. “Come on, lunch is in 20.”
Emmy took one more look in the direction the girl, Felicity, had runoff. Maybe this school wouldn’t be too terrible if she had a mystery girl to talk to...
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
Hiya, HollyM64! I've not read the first chapter of this but I noticed it's been hanging around in the Green Room for some time, so I though I'd drop in and write up a review. I apologise in advance if I get any story details wrong! Like Carlito, I'm assuming this is about some kind of magical academy, so I'll run with that as the premise.
Small Comments
First thing: dialogue punctuation. I notice you struggle with this throughout the chapter so I'll give you a quick lowdown of the format.
"Dialogue should be formatted like this," the reviewer said.
Note that the first letter of the dialogue tag ('the', in this case) is not capitalised. This is your most consistent error, but it's an easily fixed one. Under no circumstances should dialogue tags have capital letters, even if the dialogue that precedes them closes with an exclamation or question mark. Examples:
"Dialogue with an exclamation mark looks like this!" the reviewer shouted.
"Are you seeing the pattern now?" she asked.
The only time that you follow dialogue with a capital letter is if there is no tag. Consider the next example:
"Here's another bit of dialogue." The reviewer pointed to it. "Can you see the difference?"
Here, you need a capital letter because the dialogue is followed by an action, not a speech tag. In short, if dialogue is followed by any kind of variant of 'he said' or 'she said', no capital will be necessary. If it's followed by a standalone action, then you're fine to put a capital in. If you're ever not sure, just check a published book and see how the author does it - that's how I learned.
This dialogue gives me an instant flavour of Carter's personality, which is great. I'd recommend you stick some kind of language warning on the chapter, though - I don't consider 'twat' too strong a swear word, but you get some young'uns on the site, so I'd still err on the side of caution.
I'm assuming you meant 'incredibly' here? I'm also not sure about tacking 'as he took her hand' onto the first clause - it seems a bit weird to me, like his voice only sounds posh while he's taking her hand. Minor nitpick, though.
Remember that 'its' should only have an apostrophe when it's a contraction of 'it is'. When it's acting as a possessive pronoun (as it is here), it doesn't need an one, just like how 'hers' and 'his' don't have them.
Overall Thoughts
So, this seems like it could be a charming little story. Starting with the positives, I think that most of the characters seem to be nicely distinguished from one another - I like Carter, and I think Logan could be fun. Generally speaking, your dialogue is pretty realistic - Logan's was a bit over-the-top, but that was obviously deliberate. Your pacing is fine as well; I don't feel like I'm being wrenched along too quickly, nor do I feel like you're dwelling too long on needless details. All in all, the chapter was pleasant to read.
In terms of my criticisms, I think that Emmy's character comes across much less strongly that Carter and Logan's. She's clearly the main character, but I don't feel like her dialogue has the same sense of personality - she just seemed to giggle a lot at the things everyone else said, rather than contributing much of her own perspective. Still, main characters are tough to characterise sometimes, especially when they don't have hugely strong personality traits. In time, I'm sure her character will grow more defined.
I also think you overdid her reaction to Felicity. Clearly, the girl is incredibly beautiful, but it seems overboard to have Emmy literally stop in her tracks and gasp when they make eye contact. People don't react like that in real life, not as far as I've seen. You can be utterly bowled over by someone without being completely physically overcome. It would be enough for Emmy to stare at the girl, lose track of what Carter was saying, and maybe look away hurriedly when Felicity looks back at her. No need for the gasping. I've never known anybody do that from a look alone, so it just seems over the top.
As far as the overall shape of the idea, it seems interesting enough, but there are obviously inescapable comparisons to franchises like Harry Potter and all the similar stories it has spawned. Magic schools are not exactly uncommon in fiction, and while that definitely doesn't mean you shouldn't write about them, you do need to think very carefully about how to differentiate yours. Reading this, you did have areas of originality - I loved the moment where Carter tells Emmy not to pick the flowers. You slide it in quite subtly, but it sets off a whole series of questions in my head and gives the story a sense of mystery. Do the flowers contain some kind of power? Is there a more sinister reason for her to leave them alone? I couldn't say, but it intrigues me.
I'm curious about the setting, as well. I'm guessing Emmy is American given that Logan called her an 'American Beauty', but is the school in England? You mentioned that Logan came from Kent, and 'twat' feels like a classic British swear word. Then again, I am British, so I guess I wouldn't know how much the rest of the world uses it. Just interested, I suppose.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Hi! Thank you for the feedback, it really is helpful! To answer one of the later questions, yes Emmy is American but the school itself is an English boarding school, mainly because I know how English schools work, being a Brit myself. It is explained in the first chapter, but I probably could have put a reminder in here. Again, thank you so much for the review!
Oh no, there's no need to put a reminder in the second chapter, especially if you mentioned it in the first. It was just something I was curious about rather than a criticism.
Hello hello!! I'm here to help bring this out of the green room for you
I haven't read the first chapter but based on what I read in this chapter I'm guessing this is about some kind of magic school or school for "special" in some fantastical way youths. I'm always a sucker for such stories (probably cause of my deep love for Harry Potter...)
Anyway. I feel like you've planted some interesting easter eggs in this chapter as well. The one that stood out to me the most was when she picked the flower and he was like "probably don't do that". BUT WHY. (I know all will be revealed eventually. don't tell me yet). I also really liked how she was like "cute but not my type" after she met the cute guy and oh I see you Emmy, it's because Felicity is your type. Loved that. Loved how she played coy about it and then even though she doesn't come right out and say I'm into girls, we know based on her reaction to Felicity that's what's up.
My only qualm with this chapter was that it felt a little like a disguised info-dump. What I mean by that is, it's great that we get to see the school and we meet some people who I'm sure will become major players, but that's it. Other than seeing Felicity at the end (I'm assuming there's going to be a love connection and hopefully a romantic plotline at some point...) the plot doesn't really feel like it's moving forward. What do you want the main moment of the chapter to be? Why does this scene have to be in the novel? Without this scene, will the plotline still work? I'm guessing there will be other opportunities to show the reader what the school looks like, and we'll survive not knowing where everything is yet. But I feel like we need that initial look at Felicity because that look says a lot.
I think instead of doing a tour of the school, this could be a good time to start a subplot. Maybe one of these characters she gets introduced to briefly could have a bigger moment and that could be the start of a subplot with that character. Maybe you could introduce a problem or some kind of enemy. I love the moment with Felicity at the end, but I feel like we need a little more oomph before that.
Overall, this sounds like an intriguing story and I hope you keep working on it! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention!
Thanks this is really nice! I kinda needed the first couple of chapters to be a bit more chill because I intend for things to get a little more "magical" by chapter 4 %uD83D%uDE09 In teresponse if a "disguised info-dump" do you have any advice on how I could separate the exposition out little more? Just because I've got a little more expositing I'm writing at the minute and I don't want it to feel like a plot dump. Once again, thank you for the review!
Sorry, that was meant to be "in response to" typing on a phone is hard lol
This is an amazing story so far! I immediately became hooked within the first 2 sentences, and your overall use of adjectives really helps make the story interesting. You have created characters (Like Emmy) that people can relate to and that's really good as an author. Keep writing!
Thank you! That's really nice to hear, glad you're enjoying it!