18+ Language

The Wanderers: Prologue - Are we there yet?

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

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The Wanderers

Prologue: Are we there yet?

A rolling plain of wild grass spreads out to cover the landscape on both sides of a dirt road that cuts through the foliage like a nasty scar. A light breeze sways the grass back and forth as the sun falls elegantly behind the western horizon, warming the air, yet blinding the eyes of those traveling in the direction of its descent. A sturdy wagon bounces on the cobbled road while it makes strides along the rugged terrain.

A man with a goatee donning a mossy green cloak and faded brown hunting leathers is manning the reigns. Next to him, a masculine dwarf covered in dull iron chainmail with ocean blue wool garments peeking out from behind his armor, sits gazing toward the treeline to the north. Behind them, hidden by the veil of the cream colored canopy, is a young male elf in embroidered silken robes of crimson red and sunset orange lounging carelessly against mining equipment. Sitting across from him is a mysterious looking child of undetermined race and gender wrapped in swaths of jet black rags hiding under a tattered dark cloak and hood, using a whetstone to sharpen the blade of a dagger. As the carriage makes its way to its destination, the front right wheel sinks into a large pothole in the road causing some mining equipment to fall on the young elf in the rear.

“Ah! What the hell! Do you even know how to drive?!”, retorted the elf as he removed a bag of tools from atop his chest.

“What are you trying to say Harkyn? I'm the best damn coachmen out of all of us! If you’ve got a problem with how I do things, then you can get the hell out!” Replied the man with the reigns.

The dwarf looked angrily ahead of them at the road and said,

“Shut the hell up, both of you! We’ve got a job to do!”

The halfling passively continued to stare at the dagger in silence admiring the edge as Max rolled his eyes at the dwarf. Harkyn poked his head dwarf through the veil to the coach to have better access to the conversation.

“Are we there yet Max?”, said Harkyn impatiently.

“No”, said Max obviously annoyed as he craned his head back to look at Harkyn.

Worried, Von warned,

“Max! Keep your eyes on the road, I don’t want to get ambushed while the sun’s goin’ down.”

“Don’t worry Von, we’ll be fine.” Said Harkyn nonchalantly. “All we have to do is get this carriage to the Craftsmen Guild detachment in Cliffshire. What’s even better is the old dwarf from The Craftsmen Guild back in the Capital said we could have the carriage as payment for delivering the mining equipment”.

Uneasily Von spoke, “I know that. It’s great and all that we now have a form of transportation. But... I’m just wondering if we are really cut out for this. I know our honor is on the line, but those other adventurers are much more experienced and capable than us. What if we just run away?”

“It’s not that easy”, replied Max, “They would put a bounty on our head so big, any and all bounty hunters would be after us. This is the royal government were talking about”.

Harkyn cut in, “I agree. The Elven Covent would do the same back in Alfheim. But I disagree with your analysis of us. We’ve got a noble high elf wizard, a dwarven war veteran, an ex-bandit huntsman and a pint-sized mystery of an assassin. I’d say we’re pretty capable”.

“Don’t get too excited”, replied Von, “We’ve got a high-and mighty dumbass of an elf who’s a novice with magic. An old dwarf who’s a deserter. A masochistic family-man who’s an ex-bandit leader of a group that no longer exists. And a mute kid whose name is the only thing we know. I can't even tell if it's a lad or a gal! On top of that, we have to prove our innocence for a crime we didn’t even commit! This is complete lunacy!!!”

“I know it seems bad guys, but it’ll work itself out in the end. Besides, I believe in us. We’re all in this together. I chose you guys to be my companions on this quest because I saw potential.”, said Harkyn with optimism and a look of accomplishment in his eyes.

Max in disbelief replied, “Whatever you say elf boy. You just wanted somebody, if anybody, to join you as extra muscle. You could care less who it was.”

“Not true”, protested Harkyn, “I saw the resolve in all of your eyes. Your inner strength revealed itself to me and I just knew I could trust you.”

“Naive elf lad, what if I killed you right now?”, replied Von gripping his axe and looking back with a cold stare.

“I know you won’t.” Harkyn spoke stammering his words

“How? Do you have some kind of clairvoyance magic we don’t know about? Perhaps I should show you what real power is”, teased Von as he flexed his left bicep.

“Are you kidding me,” replied Max almost falling off the coach from laughter, “He can barely use basic cantrips. What makes you think he knows clairvoyance magic?”

“You're right!” Agreed Von laughing just as hard.

“Hey, guys that’s not funny,” protested Harkyn with his face flush red from embarrassment.

Their laughter was cut short when the child popped its head through the canopy next to Harkyn.

“Ah! Don’t scare me like that Maldris!”, said Harkyn relieved that it was just the halfling.

Maldris pointed out at the horizon that sheltered the receding sun. Just visible to see in the direction the halfling was pointing was a rustic country tavern.

“Good. I could use a stiff drink right about now.”, said Von.

“I’d love a feather bed to sleep in.”, said Max.

“I want food! Foooooooooooood…”, said Harkyn dreamily.

“Ah! Don’t drool on me!”, said Von as he swatted Harkyn away from him.

Maldris stared passively at the structure in the distance as it steadily approached.

Shortley, the tavern came into full view. The smell of wood smoke and cooked food, mixed with the sound of comradery and clinking tankards was so enticing that it was enough to distract an individual into letting their guard down completely. Everyone in the was so distraught as they disembarked from the carriage. They made their way for the enchanting tavern, giving in to the pleasures within.

Comments & reviews · 4
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MysticWords Review

Seems like it could be an interesting read. The group of characters you made, and the story you set up seem like something that could come right out of dungeons and dragons. There are a few errors here and there but mostly an easy read. You could benefit from reading it through a couple times. I like to read my works aloud and I can normally catch something that does not sound right by doing that. Also maybe have some family and/or friends read it over and they could catch things you would overlook.
I like how descriptive you are with everything, and the decent visual you give of the characters. The story seems a tiny bit cliche right now, but having not read further into it I could not say for sure. At the beginning of my writings I normally like to put as little story description as possible and start off with something that will likely hook the reader, like an intense situation or action scene and flowing into a problem that cannot be resolved easily. Something that will add a sense of mystery and unfamiliarity to the story that will make the reader say "Wow, this is different." or "I want to know what happens next, this seems like an exciting situation."
Then again I am just a novice writer myself and have much to learn, and I like as much excitement and mystery as possible in my stories. Also adding your own unique lore to the story and something that will stand it out from other fantasy novels helps a lot.
Do something that will make it your own.
Overall just get really creative with it, like implementing a three headed giant with wings, haha. (Just a bad example)
Overall though seems like it could be a fun read.

Thanks! I really appreciate the feed back :3

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reikann
Review

I'm having real flashbacks to my own Dungeons & Dragons session now. (I always play Harkyn.) Maybe the Dragonlance books would be a good point of comparison.
This prologue feels like an author dinking around with their cool fantasy characters and figuring out how to write them. I agree - these look like cool fantasy characters! Opening with the dynamic between the party, which tends to be the most fun aspect of a good party, establishes your characters well and early.
Given the set-up, it's a good thing to get the exposition out of the way as soon as possible, and in the context of this piece, I'm glad for it. I appreciate the attempt to slip the exposition into the dialogue in a natural manner as well. Unfortunately, I can tell that that's what's going on. Also, as long as you're just doing exposition, why the unknown tiny I'm guessing rogue is travelling with the party should be addressed for a line.
This work could benefit from a beta reader. There are a few homophone problems and some slight punctuation and grammar slip-ups. 'Coachmen', 'donning', and 'reigns', f.ex. are all easy fixes on a second viewing.
The piece also changes verb tenses when the dialogue starts. Don't do that.
Overall, this prologue effectively sets up the characters and plot for the following story, but could use a beta reader.

Thanks for the feedback! I will take what you said into consideration :3

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reikann
Comment

Is it possible for you to perhaps delete this and repost in chapters?

I'm sorry, I will try. I know... It's long.

There we go! Problem solved :3

That looks way better now, dude. Can't wait to give you a review; I love a good fantasy!

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HobbitMan222
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I didn't add a disclaimer at the beginning of the story so I figured I'd put it here.
This is just a fun piece of work my buddy and I put together to put our creativity to the test and parody some well known works of fantasy. I do understand there are quite a bit of grammar issues so don't get to hung up on that, unless if it's really bad. Do understand that there will be times when it feels like a different author is writing. That would be my buddy.
We are still editing and working things out, but it's coming along. This is just the beginning of something great and I would love feedback. P.S. Sorry for the length of the post. It occurred to me after the fact that I could post one chapter at a time. So... Please bear with it. Thanks and I hope that you enjoy. :D



Hearing these stories makes me realize that I never did anything with my childhood.
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