Published August 24, 2011
This is the prologue to a story I've been thinking of for the past few days after some recent events that have happened to me in the real world. I hope you enjoy the read! I assure you, it will become much longer as I add details over the next couple of days. (Note, the environment (I;E the ground, surrounding buildings, etc.) will NOT be fully detailed, but I will be sure to come back and edit it after I get a few more chapters down)
Pulling the Trigger of Love - Prologue
His body shook as the ice-cold rain pelted his skin and clothing. His finger was on the trigger to a gun that would end a life and there were at least a dozen and a half police officers with their pistol barrels pointed at him. His jaw tightened as he thought back on the events which lead him to this point. Tears streamed down his cheeks as memories of his little sister stirred in his mind. Those tears mixed with the rain flooding down on him and his surroundings. His hand tightened. He was starting to pull the trigger when a voice rang out to him. It wasn't the negotiator. It was a woman's voice.
"Nick! Don't do this!" she yelled to him. She was being held back by a bulky officer. "Please! It's not worth it! Killing him won't do anything to bring your sister back!"
He lightened his grip. His shivering stopped. Her voice always calmed in. He fell so hard for her that if he had literally fallen, he'd have a split head and a concussion. A image of her eyes popped in his head. The same set of eyes he first saw back in high school.
"If I don't do this, Kaitlin, then you and I both know he'll get away and do it again. I can't let him fucking live after what he did," Nick replied. His grip tightened and he shoved the pistols barrel hard against the back of the man's head. An audible squeal could be heard coming from the man, who was on his knees. He started up his begging "Oh god come on man! Please don't do this! I didn't do anything! You got the wrong man!". It continued, and as the seconds kept passing, his pleas grew louder and more desperate.
"You fucking raped her. You beat her! She was only thirteen, you son of a bitch!" Nick shouted. He tensed up, a final image of his beloved little sister, Abigail, ran through his mind. "I fucking hate you!"
The trigger squeezed and the gunshot rang like thunder. It was over. He felt relaxed knowing that the bitch was dead now. The time went by slowly as he closed his eyes and embraced what happened next. A ring of bright light came from a dozen and a half muzzles, brightening up the walls of nearby buildings. Nick's body fell to the ground, his blood mixing with the water,steadily flowing down into a street gutter. He was gasping for breath, but he was satisfied. He had done what he meant to do. The only regret would be leaving Kaitlin behind. As his vision blurred, the last thing he saw was her bright, majestic, blue eyes.
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141,302 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Wow, we have quite the standoff here to start things off with, don't we, this one certainly manages to capture your attention very early and very quickly as a reader, cause there just appears to be some serious chaos going down. It also looks like we've got someone about to commit a murder that appears to be very much out of a bit of a vengeful passion right there...and then there's the police and also some other woman here that's attempting to calm the very angry man down and prevent a murder.
Well with how desperate that man sounds, I'd be more than likely to rule it in favor of this person being guilty of whatever crime has brought this person to this point. There's definitely a few hints here although its not necessarily the absolute clearest. All in all, you know this has to be a murder or a crime on a truly disgusting level like that for this person to have decided the only right course of action is to kill this person and prevent them for doing it again.
Well that ended about as well as it could have there...you could certainly see that this was inevitable and also see that this is something that was truly sick enough for this person to have been driven by anger to this current point. Its hard to judge without context exactly who was in the right here, but I do feel like the police also shooting all at once too mind you and killing this man is a step too far, I feel like they'd rather shoot to wound and arrest him rather than straight up kill, cause you could clearly see the fight leaving this person as the shot is fired, its not like this person showed any indication of endangering anyone else.
At any rate, that little detail aside...I think the prologue itself was constructed really well. There's a very powerful and tangible build up of tension over the course of those first few paragraphs and everything fully comes to a head in that final one as everything is released in a volley of multiple gunshots before it all fades away into one single end there. Nicely done
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Overall this was pretty well written. There were a few mistakes, but they have already been pointed out by the people above me. I think it's very intriguing, however I'm never inclined to read stories that start with such dark prologues, ie: Twilight. They are so depressing. But hey! Look how successful Twilight is. I'm sure this is going to be great. If you post more, I'll be sure to check it out. Nice job.
I'd like to thank everyone for their reviews! Kafka's review especially helped, and I'll take everything into consideration as I edit it over time. I will add more detail into the environment after I get another chapter or two on here. Thanks again, everyone!
Hope this helped.
-Kafka
Well this was pretty short, but it's a prologue so that's not really much of an issue.
This was good in the way that it hooked the reader, but you need to expand a little on your use of description. For exapmle, the first paragraph could be lengthened to include a description of where the characters are.
I can't really comment on the grammer and spelling, seeing as there isn't much opportunity to get a lot wrong in this piece. What I will say though, is that you need to remember to write out numbers, such as thirteen instead of 13 and try not to capitalise words. The exclamation point shows that it is emphasized, so you don't need to do both.
Hope your story works out well.
Icy.
This is really quite an intruiging piece and has me very much interested. I can't wait to read more when you write it!
Should that perhaps be he'd instead of head? Or did I just read it wrong?
Also I'n not sure that the 'before' is neccasary. Maybe it could say something along the lines of: 'the events which had lead him to'.
But overall I really enjoyed reading this!
well, its quite good, having a good description of the character's feelings.
There was just one part that I didn't understand, but maybe its just my bad English, it was this part:
Anyhow, it was very good and I'm waiting to read the next part.