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16+ Language

Post-perpetual - II (rewritten)

by Wisteria


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

+Kannan+

There are always memories that stand out like a diamond amidst a sea of zircons. There are also memories that fades and blurs and become distant faces, things only to be recalled in times of their need.

For me, it was not a memory. But rather, the absence of one. Somewhere in that myriad of memories, Jimmy had learnt to ride his bike without me. I didn’t know why that was so important, it was a small thing but it caught hold onto my heart like a hungry leech.

Why wasn’t I there for something as important as that, I should have been the one that taught him. No one else. In the back of my mind, a small voice told me I knew the answer.

+++

“Arian. Arian. Are you listening?” Jimmy’s voice jolted me back to the present, I looked down at his brown eyes and the nearby discarded bike.

Of course, in here it was different. Here, they could reconstruct anything and everything. With a price that’s far too high. The voice in the back of my head nagged again, I brushed it aside and knelt down beside Jimmy. “C’mon, give it another try, I know you can do it.”

He pulled on the strap of his helmet sullenly before flinging himself into my lap, “it’s hard Arian. And I don’t get it, it just wobbles like that old rocky chair dad sits on all the time. It’s stupid.” He huffed out and kicked at a tuft of grass angrily.

I bit back a small laugh and ruffled his hair, “Jimmy you’ve hardly tried it at all, what if I dared you to ride down the hill. And if you can do it, I’ll let you play with the skyhover.”

His face lit up as he eyed the bike again with renewed interest, “you really will let me?”

I laughed and pushed him towards the bike, “only if you can ride down the hill.” It was the way I had learnt how to ride the bike, Dad had pushed me down the hill and as the wind whipped its fearsome melody by my heart I somehow found the rhythm amidst all the terror. Besides, this hill was nothing compared to the one he pushed me down on.

Jimmy had straightened the bike up and pushed it to the edge of the hill, his eyes surveyed the hill tentatively before he sat on the bike and pushed on the pedal.

I stood up and started to jog towards the hill – just as my body shuddered and dropped to the ground and felt my bones shattered into a billion fragments brimming with pain. I gasped soundlessly and sat up in the chair, the world whirled in a dizzying splash of whites and greys before settling in the familiar white-washed walls and metallic furniture. I realized with a sense of dread of my location; reality, what a pleasure to be back.

“Pay up, Kannan.” A familiar pair of eyes pierced my own as they slammed their hands down on either side of me. “And don’t think you can get out of it this time, you won’t be leaving here until you’ve paid us.”

“It’s nice to see you too, Razi. I know that I’m good looking and charming but could you please step back, just so that I can view your beautiful face in all its glory and not just a single part?”

I tried to ignore hostility as she pulled away, mouth set in a straight line. “Flattery will get you nowhere.”

“I wasn’t trying to flatter you.” I muttered under my breath, fully intending for her to hear it. Her anger boiled beneath her skin, I felt its steaming rising from the pores of her body barely contained. “Alright, look here Razi. Let’s make a deal here.”

“No.” She said. “You said that for the last five times and we haven’t seen a ghost of the so called ‘deal’ you’ve made.” She made no attempt to conceal her disdain and contempt as she crossed her arms over her chest. “You either pay us in cash or in memory, your choice.”

I looked around the room, taking in its sterile walls, white lights and the meticulous machines that crooned a soft melody to the passing of time. “This place doesn't seem like a bad place to live.”

“Kannan,” she said slowly, “you will either paid us in cash or in memory. Or there will be one less person living in your apartment when you return tonight.”

Sudden fear gripped my heart and pumped its blackness into my veins, paralyzing my thoughts. My body wanted to fight, my muscles had automatically coiled into tight strings and my feet tinged with the temptation of escape. But Go was too great a risk, I had owed her too much and I had paid back none to her.

“Ok. Walk me through the selection of memory again.” I sighed, and wondered what tempted me to visit this cursed place again. For Jimmy, of course. You can’t stay away from the pull, can you.

“Stalling are we?” Razi’s voice was as sweet as cream now, a fleeting smile played at the edge of her lips. “Memory selection is done at random for the permanent removal of a patient’s memory which is then wiped and added to our database for future patients. The memory chosen could be any memory from the conscious, subconscious and unconscious. Happy now?”

“Of course, Razi.” I smiled at her and wondered how nice it would be to kick her face until it resembled the colour of a fly’s body. One can dream. “Just get it over and done with.”

“Lie down then, and don’t move.” Razi warned as I shut my eyes as if that alone could ward off what was coming, I heard the familiar beep of buttons and the automated voice asking for confirmation of the program. I hated the process and I hated every minute of it, it was an intrusion that was far more intimate than anything I’ve experienced. It was more intimate than a relationship between a newborn baby and their mother, every fear, every memory that constructs the being is you is being violated by something foreign to you. Unknown. And before you can grasp it-

it’s gone.

“Have a nice trip home, Kannan.” Razi smiled at me as she left the room, carrying the small datachip between her fingertips. The metallic strips on it caught light and winked at me mockingly as both of them disappeared from my sight.

So I left the room and The Clinic, trying to ignore the aching loss in my heart that only seemed to grow with every step I took.

What did they take away from me?


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Tue Feb 16, 2016 4:58 pm
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Dreamy wrote a review...



Hi!

I’m here, at last! I’m sorry it took so many days, anyways, here I am again!

You’ve got wonderful reviews (yes, I read each and every one of them) and they have pretty much summed up everything. So this chapter is under scrutiny. *hehe*

Well, this was interesting, my favourite so far! The rewritten version is much better in descriptions as well as in the character development. Kannan giving up the memory so as not to hurt the roommate speaks volumes about her personality. But, how good is it? I know it’s too early to get all reminiscent, but we do need something to empathise with her.
I’m not confused by this chapter as I was with the previous; this is pretty clear and very straightforward in a good way.

This narration has got Memento kind of vibe to it. This chapter began with Kannan remembering about forgetting/missing a part of her memory and then it goes on about the memory itself but not till the end, then we get to the part where we learn how, where and why she lost the said memory? If I’m right, this is pretty rad! (Not because I was right, tho!) :p

I liked the end much better; it makes you want to know the answers almost immediately, which is always great, though I would have liked it if the chapter were long enough just so we could have a lot more to munch on. ;p

Okay, I’m going to stop stalling. I’m sorry if this wasn’t helpful! D:

Keep writing!

Cheers!




Wisteria says...


<3 thank you thank you thank you



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Tue Feb 09, 2016 2:13 pm
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Sins wrote a review...



I HATH ARRIVED.

Sorry this is a little late, I actually did stuff with my weekend for once so didn't get much of a chance to sit down and write any reviews! I'm just going to warn you: I've done a few reviews today, both of which have been somewhat abysmal, so I apologise in advance in case this one is.

Anyway, so! I definitely prefer this rewritten version, methinks. It's definitely less confusing than the last (though still is a teeny bit, but you're still setting up the story so I'm not going to dwell on that), and this concept of memory taking is extremely fascinating. I feel like I know Kannan a lot better at the end of this than I did at the end of the original version. I'm not quite sure what it is that makes me feel like that, perhaps the flashback, but it's definitely a good thing. I'm still super intrigued to find out how his path will relate to Ning's, and it's definitely one of the key factors that's maintaining my interest. I love me some mysterious pondering. All in all, a very good piece of writing! Before I begin with the meaty part of the review:

“Arian. Arian..."


You and you Welshisms, oh you.

Okay, so, I did that thing reviewers shouldn't do and skimmed over previous reviews (I'm too nosy, it'll be the death of me one day). Initially I'd assumed Arian was a different person entirely to kannan because, well, different name and all that. This might be partly due to the fact it translates to silver or money in Welsh, so I associated it as something separate to Kannan (if that makes any sense in the slightest). I noticed you say how it's the same person in one of your review replies, though, so obviously I'd assumed incorrectly! Even without the whole Welsh thing, though, I think there'd be confusion. In fairness, this isn't necessarily a bad thing so don't view this as a hardcore critique or anything. It just means your readers may make an incorrect assumption, and so long as you explain/correct it in future chapters it'll be all right. It could be effective, even, because we'll be like omg so the dude in the second chapter flashback is actually Kannan! How interesting! Just something to be careful of, is all.

The next thing imma bother you about is the intention behind this memory draining system. Why would people want random people's memories? That's what happens with these drained memories, right? They're given to someone else? Again, this is something that can be explained in future chapters, but as of now I can't help wondering about it. I mean, for me personally, I wouldn't really be interested in gaining some other dude's memories. What are the benefits of that? As a result, it makes me question why people want to drain the memories of others? I'm guessing it's for money, that people will pay to receive memories of others. I'm not going to ramble on about this because like I said, it's something that can easily be explained in the future. If you haven't considered this a hell of a lot already though, maybe make note of it so that you ensure you come back to it later.

Something else I've found myself questioning is why did Kannan go to this place in, well, the first place? I'm guessing there'll be consequences if he doesn't pay Razi, but you don't really acknowledge them. Once he's there I can see how refusing would be an issue, but couldn't he avoid it by simply not going to this memory draining place? Obviously they could just find him themselves in that case, I'm not that dumb (close, but not quite), but he might as well try, right? I mean, he clearly isn't rolling in money and losing his memories is extremely distressing so it seems like he'd want to at least try to avoid it. I think the issue is that as it stands, we've no idea what the consequences of not going to this place are, and so in my head it just seems to make sense to try and avoid it to begin with. All you'd need to do is reveal what were to happen if Kannan simply didn't turn up, methinks. I know Razi made that threat in regards to Kannan's housemates (family?), but that still makes me wonder why they couldn't just hide/avoid these memory draining people?

But anywho, yus, that's it. I hope I was somewhat helpful because I've been extremely unhelpful today. As I noted earlier, I definitely prefer this version of the chapter to the last one, and I'm very intrigued by Kannan's cahracter (and why he's called Arian). As always, please do let me know if you've got any questions or comments regarding this review because I do have a tendency to make no sense.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




Wisteria says...


<3 Your reviews are always helpful to me, and I'm just very glad in general you decided to stick with this terrible mess of a novel. I actually always skim other reviewers reviews so I don't repeat stuff... I do understand things are messy right now, but hopefully things will clear up in the forthcoming chapters. If they don't, please pour a can of expired soda over my face.

Thanks again! <3



Sins says...


Yay, I wasn't completely useless :P Yeah tbh the messiness is often unavoidable in the early stages of a novel because the author is trying to figure out wtf is going on, let alone the readers. It's just stuff to bear in mind as you delve further into things!



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Tue Feb 09, 2016 1:40 am
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey! ^_^

I like what I'm seeing of this world- even though it's a pretty dark side of it! The memory invasion thing is really creepy and terrible and intriguing! Especially that ending; the thought of walking away from something, knowing you lost something... but not knowing what it is. I can't imagine. Not really.

Zircons- I had to look this up because I'd never heard of them before! It was interesting, thanks for introducing me to a new gem!

Why wasn’t I there for something as important as that, I should have been the one that taught him.


I just wanted to mention this because it seems to be something you do a bit?- not that I'm one to talk about grammar but you know. SO this might have been a stylistic choice you made, but I think that the sentence should end at the first "that" with a question mark, and then the next part can continue as it's own sentence.

I know that I’m good looking and charming but could you please step back, just so that I can view your beautiful face in all its glory and not just a single part?”


I find this line a bit confusing. Kannan starts off by saying themself is charming and attractive, but then go on to conclude that thought with mentioning Razi is beautiful as well? I just don't really understand what's happening. I also found myself confused about what the exchange was about and what the characters intentions and feelings were. At first I thought they were teasing each other and then you described them as hostile. I think what would help is if you shared a bit more of Kannan's thoughts in this instance. Actually another thing I was going to mention was that I was confused what was happening and who Razi was, which I think is simply because we had hardly any input from Kannan on them. So we were kind of left to figure out what is happening and who Razi is for ourselves- which can be good, but it can also be confusing and scary. I think it's an easy fix though; let us know what Kannan thinks.

“You either pay us in cash or in memory, your choice.”


I really like this line. c: It makes me wonder what they do with the memories people pay them. If they're taking memories as an alternate of money then they must have a use for it- it wouldn't just be a punishment... unless it's incentive or something like that.

I'm very interested to see what happens next! Keep me posted and keep writing!!! C:

-Holy




Wisteria says...


<3 Thanks for the review Holi!



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Mon Feb 08, 2016 2:59 pm
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ErikaHale wrote a review...



Hello there, Hiraeth!

Before I begin I'd like you to know that, to me at least, this is a wonderful chapter and as I read it, I could see that you put a lot of time and effort in to its making. Congrats! You've done a wonderful job :) !

Your descriptions are flawless, as usual ;) . Your word choice is superb, the organization is meticulously crafted and the cliff hanger just leaves me begging for another chapter!

I hate to point out problems, but, the sentence fluency could use some work and you forgot some question marks here and there. Now, this are very small mistakes that almost go unnoticed, so don't worry too much about them. And I couldn't find any grammar errors, so we'll done!

Thank you for the lovely chapter, and I ain't wait to red the next one!

Yours truly,

Erika Hale




Wisteria says...


Hey Erika! Thanks for reviewing, do you think you could tell me where those sentence fluency problems are? c:



ErikaHale says...


Well, it's mostly in the first few paragraphs, I'm afraid I can't give the exact sentences. But, there's this very helpful website (www.hemingwayapp.com) that'll highlight exactly where! All you have to do this go to the site, paste your story and it will highlight the sentence that are incorrect. I hope this helps you :) !



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Mon Feb 08, 2016 1:04 pm
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Arcticus wrote a review...



Hola. Autumns here. Here's what I have to say about this-

I expected that this chapter would be a continuation of the first, but it is clearly not. The narrators are different, the people and the places are different too. So I guess you're going for a novel with multiple narrators here (and their overlapping stories?).

The moment I encountered

“You either pay us in cash or in memory, your choice.”


I realized it was either a sci-fi fantasy world or the narrator's dream (which one is it?).

So, this chapter begins with Kannan self-reflecting on how he hadn't been there when Jimmy learned how to ride a bike. He wasn't there, he didn't teach him how to ride one. Simple. But then, he has a vision that paints a different picture- he tells him to ride downhill. I'm a little confused here. Is he fantasizing about what it would've been like to teach Jimmy how to ride a bike (in which case, everything is fine) or is he reminiscing about it (which would be incorrect, since he can't reminisce about something he didn't do)?

As a side note, when the memory-removal procedure is explained, I had a feeling that maybe Kannan did teach Jimmy how to ride a bike but later had this memory removed from his mind and hence, he now believes that it never happened- that he never taught Jimmy.

As far as the writing is concerned: the description of the room and the tension of the memory-removal procedure, it's all good. No problem there. But as far as the story -the bigger picture- is concerned, how this chapter turns out will eventually depend on what you have to say in the subsequent chapters. So far, what we have is a very uncertain, vague picture with unstable characters. We need a context, if not a plot, to hold on to, and the subsequent chapters will have to do that. I need to know why Kannan/Arian wants to stay in this apartment even if it costs him his memories, and what this apartment is or what it symbolizes. I also need to know more about Razi and how she's able to have this authority over Arian.

Bottomline : It is all good, I just want to know how the story turns out so that the unanswered questions of this chapter could be answered.

Keep writing,
Au.




Wisteria says...


Hey! Thanks for the review, and thanks for piecing it together. :p I think this confused the majority of the reviewers, I agree with what you're saying I do have a certain picture in my head of where this is headed. But when you say unstable characters, what do you mean by that?



Arcticus says...


Maybe I went a bit overboard by calling the characters unstable. Razi is a stable character, she is determined to do what she wants to do and this mood persists throughout. But Arian... he's being funny at first, then he's afraid, then he stalls and finally he just submits, and all this happens in one chapter. That's why I think he's a bit of an "unstable" character, but maybe I'm just overthinking, lol, don't worry about this, just keep writing the story.



Wisteria says...


Ahhh, no. I totally understand what you're talking about, I had the same problem in an earlier version of this novel. I'll definitely keep an eye out for this in future chapters.



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Sat Feb 06, 2016 6:28 pm
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Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Hello Hiraeth, Pretzel here for another review of this rewritten chapter of your book. If I was honest, I would definitively have to say that I like this rewritten version of the second chapter, much more than the original version. I really feel like you have incorporated more of the mystery and the action which was packed into this story.

Anyways, let's get started!
At the beginning of the story, I again was really confused on who's POV this is even actually coming from. And then after the break in the text, you kind of switch of shift the focus off of one character to another. (is it Kannan of Arian? I honestly don't know what to make of it.)To help the readers, I would bold Kannan on the top, since this chapter is his narrative. I really loved that first sentence though, it seems like that could be a quote that I would put on my wall. <3

I also noticed that you have created a lovely cocoon of memories. Kind of like a memory within a memory, because Kannah kept on looking back on how his father pushed him down a hill, thus the experience of riding a bike. I just think that it would be a good idea to differentiate on this, for the reason that I kind of got lost within the memories, kind of like Kannan got lost himself.

For me, it was not a memory. But rather, the absence of one.


Alright, so though I have already told you how I am in love with that first sentence. I just somehow don't see why that should be necessary to include all of that description, especially since he didn't even have those memories, because they were taken from him by Razi. Sometimes, these types of descriptive sentences aren't always necessary.

I gasped soundlessly and sat up in the chair, the world whirled in a dizzying splash of whites and greys before settling in the familiar white-washed walls and metallic furniture.


Actually, I didn't really realize what you meant by this sentence, probably because of how verbose it was. I feel like the next sentence clarified the transition much more smoothly and such. This kind of sounds like a clunky transition, because sometimes it's okay to spell it out straight that you just woke up from a dream. I had to play catch up here.

“You said that for the last five times and we haven’t seen a ghost of the so called ‘deal’ you’ve made.”


What peer pressure made Kannan consent to her this time? I guess that I just understand why in this scene, where you introduce him he already appears like a weakling here. I don't know, it just seems now that he's unloyal and weak.

I don't know, I guess that I'm just trying to get to telling you that maybe the pace went a tad bit too quickly, because it skipped over the characters and the plots. I have a feeling like we are here introducing three main characters, in the matter of paragraphs. I know that this is supposed to be action, but maybe slow it down a little bit.

Like here he is thinking about his lack of memories, and then he has a dream, and then he wakes up and gets his memories removed. I'm starting to wonder if this is maybe out of order? Because at the beginning he seems to have a lack of memories, which should be the feeling that he experiences maybe about the memory loss procedure? I don't know if I'm making sense, but I think that the plotline maybe a little bit more explainable if you go 2,3,1 (as in the subdivisions of your chapter.)

How, I was basically puzzled because I really very much wanted to know the relationship that existed between some of the prominent characters here. Who's the Arien fellow that you mention in here? What "is" Kannan to Jimmy. And I think that you have mentioned this previously, that you can't give too much away or it will have a spoiler alert effect. But please also remember to keep in mind, that your readers know 0 about your novel, the only thing that they can know is what you write/tell us. For all I know, Razi could be a stanger to Kannan, and Jimmy could be a little brother of his or something(or maybe his son?) It's just hard for the readers to move on with this story, if there isn't much to understand, or go off of relationship-wise.

I'm still also very unsure of how the procedure happened, I mean like the operation with Kannan getting his memories removed. It just seems like, I don't know you didn't give the readers enough time to kind of picture/absorb this, so I would probably take a little bit more time or space to clarify this or be descriptive, because for me this is a new idea that intrigues me and gets my curiosity runnin, so I want to know some more facts beyond my imagination.

Overall, thumbs up for the effort of writing a rewritten second chapter. Also thank you for tagging me along with the updates, and please continue to do so. That's all that I have to say for this review, and I'll be looking for a new chapter to be up soon.

Until Next Time

~P.S.




Wisteria says...


Heyo <3 Thanks again for the review. I'll clear a few things up. Jimmy is Kannan's brother, Arian is also Kannan's name (why he's called Arian will be revealed later). The reason why Kannan caved in was because of Margo or Go whom he has a close relationship with and who's also living in his (more like hers) apartment.

The procedure is messy << It's pretty messy in my mind but I think I know how to fix it.

Thanks again!




Morning without you is a dwindled dawn.
— Emily Dickenson