NOTE: Jackel will now be spelt Jackal, because that is how Jackal is spelt.
The air was cold outside, and thin. It was always thin, this near the Brink. He supposed, that compared to the surface, all of the air was thin. Sometimes people went to the surface, Lincoln didn’t like the idea of prisons you weren’t supposed to break out of, or falling with nothing to catch you. He dangled his legs over the edge of the floating island. The wind played with his hair. Lincoln had been diving since he was a child, and the Brink knew him well. He leaned forward, until the center of his body was more over the edge than on the island, then he fell.
He dropped like a rock. With practiced ease, he adjusted himself until he was hurtling downward face first. The air pushed up against him whistling loudly until he no longer fell, instead hovering, as the Brink spread out beneath him.
Those who came from the surface never understood the Brink. Somehow, they couldn’t, or didn’t, feel the way the air grew heavier in some places, or see the slight shimmer of the slipstreams, they never noticed the way that different areas in the Brink had their own distinct keening sound. And most shockingly, they never understood why people would live there willingly. There was never any traffic this close to the islands, but still Lincoln spotted Aerobuses in the distance, a few balloons floated around as well. There weren’t any blimps out today. Oh well. He stared downward for a moment, looking at the expanse of clouds kicked up by the Brink. Glimpses of unfathomable green between puffs of white. He took another breath, then whispered. “Twelfth sector, Wake Isle. Moore Highschool, building H.”
The Brink seemed to laugh in his ears. As it had every day he had requested to go there. But still, he felt the winds around him drop, as he began to once again hurtle downward. The familiar feeling of weightlessness filled his core and the world blurred around him. Then, all at once, he was violently thrown sideways as he fell into the slipstream. Slipstreams had an entirely different temperament to the Brink. The vaguely sparkly air current tossed him around like a ragdoll, pushing him along at speeds that made it hard to inhale, but wind rushed into his lungs anyway. Seconds passed, maybe a thirty at most, before he was launched upward.
The world was an impassioned blur of color for a moment before he was spat onto the ground, the Brink slowing him down enough that he didn’t injure himself. He heard the two winds having a whistling argument, he couldn’t actually understand them, but he could guess that it was about his rough landing. Lincoln pushed himself onto his knees and blinked a few times, trying to catch his bearings. Building H was right on the edge, which made commuting convenient, but didn’t do much for its usability. The Brink was far too loud to have any classes outside. And it was on a smaller, secondary isle, attached to Wake with a large and comically thick iron chain.
The building itself was plain and unassuming, it looked like a storage facility, and a good portion of it was. But it was also the perfect place for up-and-comings of any code to interact, with minimal interference except for a few bored adults who were only there to instill a vestige of authority. He stood up and dusted off his pants. Lincoln glanced around. The 300 feet from the building to his position was completely empty. No windows, no places where anyone could be watching from…
He mentally tugged at the nexus inside his chest, his body temperature lowered, turning him pale, almost deathly so, his hair went white, his shirt shifted from white to a pale blue, a snowflake symbol spread across his chest. His pants turned almost navy. He kicked the ground with the heel of his shoe, and it unfolded into a shin high boot. His eyes flickered from brown to blue and frost began to gather on his skin. He held a hand up to his face and a mask made of dark blue ice formed around his eyes, like a racoon. With a sigh of white mist, Permafrost began to walk toward the school building.
It didn’t take him long to arrive, it took him less time to sift through the doors and find the one labeled VotWC, he’d been going here every day for the last week. He pushed open the door, and stepped inside the small room. The abridged villain code posted on every available surface.
“Is this professor Harold’s classroom?” Permafrost asked.
Instantly everyone in the room turned to him. He knew them from his recon, but they didn’t know him, yet at least. Gargoyle tilted his head slightly, Doki straightened in her seat and folded her hands on her lap, Jackal looked at him analytically. The twins were yet to arrive. Harold nodded slowly, and responded in his slow, dragging speech.
“It is and, I am professor Harold, these are the club members, what is your purpose here, young man?”
Permafrost let a carefully schooled expression of worry and concern spread across his face. “I’m Permafrost, I’m supposed to be the new member?”
He let the question seep into his tone, if he sounded too confident, then Doki might see him as a threat to her Ringleader status, and if he acted too calm, then Jackal might think he was threating his Dragon status. He was obviously not a Bruiser, so he didn’t worry about Goyle. Although perhaps he should have, as the tall student instantly leaned forward, his wings pressing against his back and his red eyes narrowing.
Permafrost didn’t need to pretend to be unnerved. Harold cleared his throat and put out a pacifying hand to Goyle. “I was not made aware of any new additions to the club,”
“You weren’t?” Permafrost said, adding in panic and nervousness.
Harold let out a dramatic sigh. “Do not worry, Permafrost, these things happen all the time, Building H is not exactly the most high priority place in Moore hierarchy.”
Permafrost relaxed slightly, “Oh-“ he began, but was cut off by a whirlwind of movement, two whirlwinds actually.
Fasola exploded into the room, if it wasn’t for the sound of the bells attached to her costume, Permafrost never would have been able to react in time. He stumbled back and threw his arms up and a wall of ice about an inch thick shot up in front of him. Fasola skidded to a stop before she slammed into it. Permafrost lowered his arms, and was about to lower the ice wall when Doremi ran into the room, clearly not expecting Fasola to still be standing near the doorway. The twins smacked into each other, barreling into the ice wall. There was indeterminate shouting as they disentangled themselves from each other. The bell chimed.
There was the sound of chuckling and Permafrost let the ice disappear into nothingness as he turned toward it. Jackal stopped, the lower half of his face was covered by his mask, but his eyes were smiling. Doremi stood up, quickly followed by Fasola, straightening her hat.
“Good reflexes Permafrost,” Harold said, then turned to Doremi and Fasola “Are either of you injured enough that you need to be taken to the nurses office?” Harold asked.
“No.” Doremi said
“You’ll never take me alive.” Fasola said with a grin, her hand over her eye, her mask covering what would doubtless eventually become a huge shiner.
Harold hummed and the twins slipped into their regular chairs. Permafrost didn’t have one, so he pointed at an empty spot on the ground and pushed from his nexus. Cold streams shot from his fingertips and soon a decently sized block of ice formed. He sat down and smiled.
“Please stand for the pledge.” Harold said.
Permafrost barely paid attention as he repeated the familiar words. Once everyone sat down, Harold spoke again. “Would anyone like to begin?”
Doki raised her hand. Harold nodded to her.
“Who the heck are you?” She said, pleasantly. What is your angle?
“Permafrost.” He replied.
“Why the heck are you, then.” Jackal added.
“I was told that I needed to ‘socialize’” Permafrost said, with air quotes, it was not entirely a lie.
“Our mother tells that to us all the time!” Fasola said.
“Yes, yes, its always ‘unhealthy codependence this’ and ‘plans for world domination don’t count as small talk that.’” Doremi shook his head sadly.
“Lofty aspirations.” Permafrost said.
“Well, you know, shoot for the Isles, if you miss the Brink will catch you.” Doremi waved it off.
Goyle grunted. Doki gave him a nod. “Yes, but why here?” who in their right mind would willingly go to building H?
”Its interesting.” Permafrost said, someone who knows something you don’t.
“There are better options for climbing, especially for elementals.” Doki said, I don’t want you here.
“I suppose there are.” Permafrost shrugged, I have no reason to care about what you want.
“Well, I’m sure that I’ll be able to find you a place in the team.” Doki said, I can make you miserable if you don’t respect my authority.
“Thank you for being so welcoming, I’m excited to get to know you better.” Permafrost said, prove that I have a reason to respect you.
“Its no trouble.” Doki said, I will.
The rest of the club watched their little exchange with raised eyebrows and half concealed smiles. The subtext wasn’t lost on anyone, except maybe Harold who blinked slowly and began to speak. “Yes, yes… introductions… now, are there any other topics anyone would like to add?”
Jackal raised his hand, Harold nodded. He didn’t say anything but instead pulled a roll of papyrus(?) from somewhere in his mummy wrappings, and tossed it on the floor. It unrolled perfectly and the blueprint took up most of the floor space in the circle of chairs. “Ta-da.” He said flatly.
Goyle chuckled. Doremi and Fasola grinned in unison, which was somewhat creepy. Doki cracked her knuckles and Permafrost leaned forward to get a better look. Harold nodded approvingly.
“Is that the Clank on twenty-seventh?” Fasola asked.
Jackal nodded. “I was able to send Tido in, Mimi’s in cellblock C, second-row fifth cell.”
“Mimi?” Permafrost asked.
“She’s a chronic Hench, from Mrs. Hendricken’s class,” Doki said,
“She gets thrown into a Clank every other week; they started moving her around each time because she’d get broken out so often,” Doremi said,
“She’s super smart too, that’s why she gets sprung so much, she’ll do your homework for you if you’re the one to get her out,” Fasola said.
Permafrost nodded. “I think I’ve heard of her.” A lie, he didn’t go to Moore.
“What’s your idea, Jackal?” Doki said,
Jackal reached out his hand, a black rod, slightly indistinct formed from his fingertips. The shadowy stick was just long enough that he could point at the plans without moving.
“Well, normally I’d just ask Goyle to go at it, but Hench prison, so he’s out,” Jackal tapped his fingers, he talked as if he was still thinking it throw. “Instead, I think we should gas the place and laser her out.”
Doki nodded, “Simple, but it’d be easier to just cut the locks instead of renting the laser again.”
“That would open all of the cells.” Permafrost pointed out.
“Utter Chaos,” Fasola said, grinning.
“If the prisoners wake up first,” Doremi said,
“They will if we set the bombs in the vents above the officer quarters,” Doki said.
Permafrost ran his tongue across the inside of his teeth, only half listening to the conversation around him, this felt wrong. Well, maybe not wrong, but strange, he hadn’t expected this, well, he had expected it from them. He had never imagined himself going along with it, willingly sitting in the ‘clubhouse’ for villains that would never make anything of themselves but were far too much trouble to be kept around the more promising students. Perhaps he could get away with calling it an experiment, not a rebellion. It would be more fun to admit that it was both. “I think.” He began.
Their voices paused; Permafrost continued. “We’re going to need some fireworks.”
Ah, if Everest could see me now…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hi again! Lim here with another review.
It looks like there might have been a time skip, since Lincoln doesn’t seem to be the Blackout mentioned in Chapter 1. Lincoln seems like a slightly mysterious character. We know he wants to sneak into the Villain of the Week Club, and him having done “recon” makes it seem like he’s really *sneaking* in - but by the end of it I was starting to think he genuinely wants to join the club and he’s not an infiltrator trying to harm them.
^This was the part that made me think that.
Everest sounds like they could be a parental or authority figure of sorts if Lincoln is thinking about their opinion on him ‘rebelling’. I’m guessing this is a character that will come up again later if Lincoln really is sneaking to join a ‘lower class’ of students than he’s used to.
I really liked the opening scene to this chapter. I felt like I could vividly feel and picture what it’s like to be in the Brink.
This description was really exciting to read - I could sense how Lincoln feels at home in the Brink, with how his point of view describes its small details and nuances. The place where he lives seems to be an important part of his identity through this scene.
Something to think about would be when in the story you’d like to make the characters’ motivations and goals clear. At this stage I’m still wondering about Lincoln’s motivations for joining the club. I don’t know whether I’m rooting for him yet, and the hints towards his plans still seem kind of cryptic:
This makes me wonder - what did he expect? And why?
Something smaller to consider would be how you’ve used commas. I notice you tend to use commas to separate out a whole thought, for example in bold:
As the following part of the sentence seems to be a separate thing, and they are not conjoined with ‘and’, I just feel it would be easier to read if there was a period/full stop or an em dash there instead of a comma. Just something to think about!
Something else I enjoyed about this chapter is your characterisation. Lincoln’s narrative voice is distinct from Jackal’s in that he seems a lot more self-conscious about how he’s coming across - and a lot more strategic about it too, such as in:
I’m not sure if Ringleader and Dragon are terms in common use in this setting or if they are unique to Lincoln / how he talks about those personality types - but him using them in his reasoning contributes to that sense of awareness and strategy in his communication (or perhaps him being an overthinker).
I also enjoyed the part where Fasola and Doremi race into the room and bump into the ice wall. I feel it shows that they’re familiar with and comfortable in the space, such that they just expect no one to be in their way as they enter - plus that they’re rambunctious personalities.
Fasola made me laugh here xD
Overall, this was a fun chapter. I liked the worldbuilding and seeing more of the characters. My main feedback would be to think about when you’d like to make the characters’ motivations (and goals) clear to the reader (preferably early on relative to the scope of your story). I’m curious to see how Lincoln will get on in the club.
Hope this helps, and keep writing!
-Lim
thank you!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the daunting S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Lincoln/Permafrost joins Building H’s group of villains, but it seems as though he still has to gain some closeness with the rest of the villains so that they can all somewhat trust one another. Not only that, but their first mission is to rescue Mimi, a henchman in training! Goodness, there’s a lot that they must do!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that you meant to say “through” for Jackal’s thoughts, but that’s just one little thing.
Chocolate Bar - I love how you described how The Brink seems to communicate with Lincoln/Permafrost, it’s the kind of communication that only certain people can truly understand. I also like that one of the rules about being a villain is on how monologuing isn’t a “victimless crime” haha. Villains do monologue a lot and it can cause harm to one’s ears! Another detail I liked was the thinly veiled conversation between Doki and Permafrost, it shows that everyone doesn’t exactly trust each other yet.
Closing Graham Cracker - A lovely second chapter! I’m really excited to see how the gang is gonna break Mimi out of prison! She’s destined to be a henchman, but she does have some cunning of her own, which might pose for her something beyond that of an average henchman. Or not, maybe that’s just who she will be. Either way, I cannot wait to see how everyone will face their own challenges and learn more in this life…
I wish you a delightful day/night! ^v^
thx for the reviuwu! <3
You%u2019re welcome! I like the story!