A/N: I have posted this on Royal Road, and am currently remastering it. This is the first chapter that I have edited, I will be posting them here as I edit them. Since Dungeoncore as a genre is really uncommon outside of Royal Road, I will mention here that Dungeoncore refers to a story where the main character, or a major character IS a dungeon, or CONTROLS a dungeon. It is heavily associated with the LITRPG genre.
Somewhere deep in a mountain range, inside a forested, swamp-filled valley, a small golden light burst into the darkness, a million small lights ignited and found themselves pulled to a point. Birds flew from their perches and weasels skittered away as the valley’s insect population boomed. Only the longest lived creatures of the valley did not flee. A soft buzzing filled the air, the beating of a trillion pairs of wings.
She had no mother to love her, or no father to watch over her, she had no siblings to play with, she had no cousins to compete with nor any kind of being to help her make sense of her new reality. A single sentence was all that welcomed her into the world.
SYNCING DATA… PLEASE WAIT…
Her mind began to expand. She became aware. She… became. The entity stared at the grey glowing box in the forefront of her mind, and a faint sensation of familiarity echoed in the empty void that was her mind. For a moment she simply floated, immersing herself in the novelty of existence, then a hum began to build.
She wasn’t alarmed, slightly curious maybe, but it was nothing significant. She examined the new sensation blandly. A small bubble formed at the edge of her perception, it grew larger and larger, straining against its nonexistent confines. She paused. Slowly a muddled thought found its way through her foggy unformed consciousness. A vague, wordless sensation of confusion and, maybe a little worry, directed at the pressure building in her self.
Then the bubble burst.
SYNCING COMPLETE, WELCOME EMPRESS.
A sudden sharpness flooded her mind and Empress screamed. Dozens of words, sensations and thoughts burst into existence. She instinctively pushed away from it. Something deep in her
The part of her that she thought of as Empress burst from her center. The world around her spun and twisted as she struggled to perceive the physical existence around her.
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE RECOVERED THE SKILL GAZE LV 59.
CORE TOO FRAIL FOR SKILL INSCRIPTION.
YOU HAVE OBTAINED THE SKILL GAZE LV 1
(Additional levels banked)
A golden orb formed around the perception of her self, and suddenly, Empress could see. The world around her was bathed in gold. Intense, unceasing gold that pulsed with different shades of
Empress blinked.
She didn’t have eyes. But she blinked. It was a small movement. The skill flickered off and on again, almost without any input. Empress blinked again, this time on purpose. After a moment she let out a soft hum. It echoed throughout the room harmlessly.
Empress could feel her
She could sense a set of… controls? No, that wasn’t right, variables maybe? The exact word escaped her, but ‘variable’ was good enough. There were variables built into her
Light was under her command. She could adjust how much light surrounded her, or, maybe how much light she could see, with a minimal effort. Slightly more complicated, was changing her own amount of light. Her
Intuitively, she could feel the variable that controlled light output inside of her
That led nicely into the last set of variables, which seemed to control movement. It was far more complicated than controlling light. There were more variables, one for each direction, and then, there was a second set of variables for moving in two directions at once.
She mentally grasped onto the variables and began to adjust their values at random.
Her
She was met by impenetrable darkness. A thick unceasing shadow surrounded her, only broken by an impossibly small golden light coming from a small crystalline rock the size and shape of a teardrop. She recognized it as her
Empress adjusted the light around her- or, as it quickly became clear, her sensitivity to light around her- and looked upon her
She was in a large earthen cave, the soil was moist, the ceiling curved with a certain roughness of the molding that wasn’t smooth enough for water erosion but wasn’t too rough to be carved with magic. It looked as if a hundred tiny bites had been taken out of the cave. Her She felt indifferent. Her She could feel No Empress paused. No. It was too dangerous. Before she could change her mind, she jerkily made her way down the corridor branching off from her It had more… Was it weight? Than the walls, but less than her It had more self than the walls did. It was a larger part of Empress’s being. She inched closer to it, without fully understanding what she was doing, Empress reached out toward the orb with her mind. A small grey square appeared in front of her LUMMI MOSS NODE LV 2 A magical glowing moss that can be sometimes found in the Inth’s caves. Valued for its ability to treat mana sickness. Status: Healthy Alignment: Vengeful Ascend chance: .001% Empress jolted backward from the tab. After a few seconds, she moved closer to it. “... Empress cautiously approached the text box from several angles. Once she poked it gently with her She looked at the box for another few seconds before a sudden realization popped into her mind. Could… she open boxes for other things? Empress quickly floated back to her ABREVIATED STATUS: LV 1 DUNGEON Name: Empress Affinities: Ento Race: Dungeon Nodes: Lummi moss LV 2 Spawners: Basic Ant LV 1 Retainers: None Alignment: _____ Notoriety: 0 Kills: 0 Empress blinked in confusion. She scanned the text three times before her thoughts caught up. She didn’t know what half of these meant. She knew her name and race, and had a decent idea of what a The With a huff, she floated away from her The walls were of the same kind as the LV 1 BASIC ANT SPAWNER A powerful magical artifact that shapes soul fragments into ant monsters. AFFINITIES: NONE ALIGNMENT: DEFENSIVE TRAITS: DUNGEON-TOUCHED ASCEND CHANCE: .001 COOLDOWN: 300 Empress closed the The newly created ants were brown in color, they had a three-segmented abdomen and six thin legs. Their black eyes had no irises, and they seemed to be mostly blind. The majority of their ‘seeing’ was done through their antennae and what might’ve been a nose above their mandibles. Her… what were they? Calling them monsters didn’t seem quite right. Her colonists waited patiently next to the Empress reached out with her mind toward the pair, trying to get them to follow her Some unknown, previously indistinct variable solidified between Empress and her colony, and she used the momentary link to …And they did. Empress bobbed her The tunnel turned gradually to the right until, when you looked back, you couldn’t see the spawner room and it looked like a never-ending hallway. The light levels were gradually rising as the small party continued forward. The hallway opened into a large room, it was the largest by far. When the ants passed the threshold, a floating circle with a bipedal fist X’d out in red appeared over their heads. They didn’t react to it. Empress blinked. Other than that, the It felt oddly satisfying to impose her will upon her The remaining duo quickly left the room and followed the next hallway, it wasn’t curved like the others, and the amount of light grew so much greater that Empress had to adjust the variables on her The cliff was about the height of one ant standing vertically, and almost perfectly the height of two ants standing horizontally on top of each other. The ant scuttled up the cliffside. The ant didn’t need to climb atop another ant to reach the top of the cliff because ants can crawl on vertical surfaces. Empress floated upward, and she looked at the white forcefield, everything past it was completely blanked out. She moved closer, like a child pushing her face against the foggy glass. The forcefield wobbled slightly, but it didn’t let her through. Emboldened,, Empress pushed against the forcefield. A sharp hiss of protest erupted across her She looked at the forcefield with pure distaste. For the first time, Empress hated.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi, Eucalyptusjoos here!
I don't usually review fantasy, but I found your work and was intrigued, so I decided to try it out.
I like the imagery in the introduction paragraph, very nice set-up.
" She became aware. She… became."
I really like this line, the imposition of her first dredges of existence.
"Her didn’t interact with the gold," Isn't it supposed to be 'she'?
"It echoed throughout the room harmlessly."
Isn't all this happening out in nature? When was it established that 'empress' was transported to a room?
"She was met by impenetrable darkness. A thick unceasing shadow surrounded her, only broken by an impossibly small golden light coming from a small crystalline rock the size and shape of a teardrop. She recognized it as her , it pulsated rhythmically. Empress stared at the , then at the dark, relatively circular shape that it sat in."
Is the light her or is the light 'hers'?
Is she still in the room or now in the cavern? Are all the structures connected? I suggest establishing the geography/setting the events are taking place in a little more.
I see you've used 'her' in place of 'she' in lots of areas, which may be grammatically incorrect unless a deliberate manner of speaking from the being. But why is that so? Her normal speech and narration is like us, so using her in place of she may have to be revisited.
"Before she could change her mind, she jerkily made her way down the corridor branching off from her . The hallway was similar to the in construction. The walls were rough and earthen, it eventually widened into a large room, but Empress was more interested in the glowing orb embedded into the wall." The description is good but some of the grammar and punctuation is off.
"It had more… Was it weight? Than the walls, but less than her . Not weight. Something else.
It had more self than the walls did. It was a larger part of Empress’s being. She inched closer to it, without fully understanding what she was doing, Empress reached out toward the orb with her mind" I really like the "self" you've established. But is this sense of self even present in abiotic things like walls?
The next few paragraphs have really good descriptive ability and the imagery made it easy to picture.
"Empress closed the ." The what?
"The newly created ants were brown in color, they had a three-segmented abdomen and six thin legs. Their black eyes had no irises, and they seemed to be mostly blind. The majority of their ‘seeing’ was done through their antennae and what might’ve been a nose above their mandibles." Do they have any other body parts that increase functionality or can substitute for sight?
". Her efforts were mostly futile until she tried mixing a very, very small amount of into her request." Amount of what?
" Empress impulsively one of the ants" Impulsively what?
"The ant didn’t need to climb atop another ant to reach the top of the cliff because ants can crawl on vertical surfaces." I suggest replacing the last part with "because they could crawl on vertical surfaces"
"For the first time, Empress hated." I like this line a lot.
It seems this Empress character already has many human notions, ideas embedded in her mind but no experiences that teach her how they actually feel, more like an approximation of understand. So she's basically like a very immature grown-up.
I like this characterization.
I suggest getting a beta reader who can improve any grammatical errors because in a long work, these kinds of mistakes are very easy to make.
Good job!! <333
HIYAAAAA WRITER BUGGIE!!!
I am actually transfixed by this latest update! :O! The way Empress is so exasperated with her status box refusing to give her more info is just too real. It is not just a story. It feels like a final incantation or a dark warning that being an Empress might be way more complicated than she thought!
I am genuinely electrified by the atmosphere you built as she starts to move. That moment where she is poking at the box with her core? It is so ominous and exciting!! Your vocabulary is incredible. Words like affinities, variables, and notoriety give the whole piece such a sophisticated yet melancholic edge. Your choice of words like detached curiosity really shows off such a high level command of language that I am just blown away by how good it is!
I am so empathetic toward Empress because she has all these variables and levels to manage but no one to explain them to her. It feels so real and human because we have all felt that confusion of being totally new at something and having to figure it out alone. I love how she is already getting ready to explore another room even though she is confused and a little overwhelmed. I have zero tips because your command of emotional storytelling and the way you handle her "cold and alien spark of superiority" is just perfection. It is exquisite and I am totally captured by this world!! LOVE IT!!!!
-Klee 2.o Kaboom :3
Nataleee
thanks so much!