When it’s nine nothing works
For when it’s nine it all bursts
Not the flowers but the pain
Not the remedy but the hail
The unfrozen me gets to be cold
And young me gets to be old
When I walk past the road nine
All the fallen clouds rise
All the unspoken words are heard
And all the mistaken emotions are felt
For when I walk this nine
I shall skip an important mine
A precious gem thrown away
A forgotten memory in the way
They all seem like trivial matters
For that skipping nine is all that matters
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141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Hey! I'm here to review this lovely poem!
I thought that this poem was beautifully written. I think these rhymes could be better since those words are so similar:
"A precious gem thrown away
A forgotten memory in the way"
Away and way are too similar in my opinion. It kind of ruins the flow of your lovely poem.
Also your poem is in need of punctuations but other than that it is fine.
I hope this review was helpful!
Never ever stop writing!
Rachel
I have to do a review, so why not on your lovely poem. I thought this was brilliant! You did great on wording and describing in your poem. If you could improve on thing I think maybe making the lines more clear of your intentions. Overall this was a nice poem and you should try maybe wording things a bit different so they're nice and clear. Have a nice day and I hoped you like my review. :3
hmm..nine is not to be hide, cause it is the blooming time to spread your fragrances .And also it is fine. And it will be more sweet if you bring little nice explanation of your deep feelings.Why not start your nine with little sweet smile?
hmm...nice..nine is not to be hide, cause it is the blooming time to spread your fragrances .And it is also fine.So, start with lovely smile.
Hi!
Welcome to YWS! I hope everyone has been gracious and you have found everything smoothly! Thanks for submitting one of your first pieces! Having fun reviewing others as well, and if you're not sure what a review looks like, you can reread others reviews or floating around here somewhere there's a guideline to a review sandwich. Something positive, constructive criticism, and ending with a positive note, basically.
I am unsure why the first two lines are spaced apart, but the rest of the poem is all set together. I really enjoy the rhyme scheme you have going on. How does the unfrozen you feel cold? Better yet, why are you cold? The line "not the remedy but the hail" doesn't seem to really fit into the poem and I've read t without adding that line and it could stand without it, but that's your personal preference.
I really enjoyed the longing, and nostalgia in this poem. I feel like this is a person going back home after being gone for a while and everything they see has reminded them of a regret they've had for a while. Just my personal opinion, but i think it's beautiful.
~Tiffany