Hello!
So, this was... a lot. Oof. I kinda wasn't sure if this was intended as a piece of satire or not, but you didn't file it under that category so I'm assuming the answer is no. (Which is honestly a shame. It's got a lot of satirical merit.) Before I get to my criticism, I'll start with the nice stuff: I think you managed to capture the overly dramatic emotions that accompany first love, as well as the parade of martyrdom that goes along with first heartbreak. Reading this definitely reminded me of every young, lovestruck, heartbroken girl who has ever obsessed over a guy, so yes, you managed to get across what this piece was about. Unfortunately, you also laid it on too thick—like, you didn't just explain to the reader what the narrator was feeling, you triple-underlined it. Everything was heightened and emphasized to the nth degree, and I guess that kinda works thematically (since young people in the narrator's position often are overly dramatic/emphatic), but it also made this piece into a work of melodrama.
The actual writing was just so over the top. It was obscenely flowery, mawkish—prose that was so purple, I assume writing it must've stained your hands. While you did capture the emotions of puppy love and first heartbreak, the problem is that those feelings are kinda ridiculous. Your narrator is ridiculous. She essentially puts the blame for her crush on the guy, but it's not his fault. He thought they could be friends, obviously she wanted something different, but she never expressed that to him—in fact, she admits that she lied about being happy for him and his relationship with the other girl. How was he supposed to know she was in love (or "in like") with him? It just comes across like someone pining after a person who isn't interested, then getting way too upset that her feelings aren't reciprocated and ultimately blaming him, which is sorta toxic? Nobody is "owed" a romantic relationship, and if the narrator didn't make her feelings clear and pretended she was okay with just being friends, that's on her. The whole ending, wherein the narrator accuses him of toying with her emotions and playing her, just feels forced and detached from reality. (Also, again: kinda toxic!)
It was really hard for me to care about the narrator's feelings when there was never an actual relationship between her and the guy. I mean, sure, there was a friendship, but any romance was completely one-sided and imaginary. Is it really heartbreak if it involves two people who never dated (or even flirted)? Is it heartbreak if it was only a crush, not actual love? Those are questions that would've been interesting to explore, but your narrator, by virtue of having a victim complex and zero self-awareness, is more inclined to wallow in self-pity and comically ornate language.
It also irritated me that we never actually see the friendship between Narrator and Boy, we just hear a recap of it. You tell us they shared such intimate conversations, but we don't get to hear what those talks were like. You tell us about the instantaneous attraction Narrator had for Boy, how he was "not ordinary" or whatever, but you never show us why. And the same is true for pretty much everything contained in this piece: the narrator tells us how she feels, tells us what happened, but we don't actually see any of it. Ultimately, the way this is written feels more akin to a diary entry than a work of storytelling. (And whether this is fiction or not is irrelevant. It is still a work of storytelling—or it would be, if it was successful.)
Most of your sentences are dense and ill-structured. Sometimes less is more—try getting your point across without all the excess. In fact, "excessive" is a good word to describe this piece. There's excessive, melodramatic feelings; excessive sentences that are longer and wordier than they need to be; an excessive response to the friendship with Boy and to Boy's relationship with someone else; excessive self-pitying, excessive blaming, just an absolute overdose of everything. Again, it feels like a 14-year-old pouring her heart out to her diary, or like Éponine from Les Miserables without the likability.
In short, this didn't work for me. Now onto some comments...
Many people don't know this story, but believe me when I say I was once so deeply infatuated with someone that I started to contemplate whether I was in love.
Too wordy. You can easily write this in a much more succinct, streamlined way.
His name is not one to disclose as he is known by many people.
Again, this sentence can/should be more concise.
And dear boy, if you somehow end up reading this, the majority of me wishes for you to not figure out it’s you. There is, however, a small part of me that does hope you realize it is you I have made anonymous.
This is so awkwardly worded and badly structured. Plus, "you" is repetitive.
for you had once bewitched me; body and soul.
Improper semicolon. And this line's a little much.
You see, it all began on April 16th, 2018.
Any justification for including the specific date? You really don't need to. If you want to get a date in there, you could just say, "It was almost two years ago." Or, "I met him in the spring." Something like that.
Yes, it was that long ago.
I mean... that's only a year and eleven months ago? But okay.
It was also the day I met him.
That's implied. This line is unnecessary.
Attraction that I very much knew would be felt just by the way he carried himself.
What?
From the moment I saw him I felt the urge to know what traits and attributes he holds in that personality of his.
Very awkward and needlessly wordy sentence.
I wanted to befriend him. To know him.
Kind of redundant, unless you mean "know" in the biblical sense.
He left a deep scar, cut, mark... call it what you will.
No, you call it what you will. You're the one writing this. Don't give your reader several different synonyms and ask them to choose which one fits.
It felt like he'd gotten inside my head, my mind
Saying both "head" and "mind" is redundant.
In the past, I would want nothing but to sit and think of him constantly.
Girl, get a hobby.
I believed he was made for me and I for him.
Blech. Again, this line's a little much. Maybe it's the "and I for him" that's irritating me...
In like with him.
Perhaps italicize "in like."
It doesn’t seem like much of an issue to you readers but I beg to differ.
This shoutout to your audience is random and jarring.
Poetry is like the key to someone’s naked soul.
Ughhhhhh. Please excuse me while I gag.
Seriously though, this line bums me out. It's way too much. I actually like the next line ("poetry makes feelings tangible") so I would suggest cutting this one entirely and just letting the following sentence stand on its own. Much more impact (and less purple prose) that way.
He dominated my thoughts and feelings.
By this point in the story, you've already made that very, very clear. This line serves no purpose.
We told each other anything. Everything. No matter how insignificant, vile, immoral
Jesus, what kind of crimes were these kids committing?! Whatever "vile" and "immoral" stuff they confessed sounds like a way more interesting story than this.
Hell, he even told me the name of his future daughter. I still think it's the greatest name in the world, other than his of course.
YIKES.
He spoke about her with clear affection and it was the most beautiful thing ever. Seeing him speak about something he could possibly love made my heart melt.
"Something" should be "someone," and "spoke/speak" is kinda repetitive.
He liked me as much as I liked him right?
Put a comma after "him."
I was already so deeply under his skin, and his in mine.
"In" is definitely not the word you're looking for.
My melting heart froze in its liquefaction and broke into a million pieces.
What? This line is just... no. Nope, not happening.
I didn't cry or anything, but I was hurt. Deeply hurt.
Yeah, no kidding! Apparently your heart has liquefied, frozen, and shattered. That's gotta be painful.
She's got ‘a cute height’ as he so well put it.
That's not well put.
And I won't even lie, she’s beautiful.
That was implied when you called her a "symbol of perfection."
She goes to a damn good university
Wait, WHAT? University? You mean this isn't happening to a twelve-year-old? That is one helluva Shyamalan twist. I seriously thought this whole story was about a group of middle schoolers. If the girl and boy in this story are college-aged, how are they so immature? I mean, Jesus, if you've been crushing on this person for over a year, maybe, I don't know, ask him on a date? Tell him how you feel? You're not a child, stop acting like one.
Hold on, if this sounds like jealousy to you, you’re absolutely right. I felt jealous.
The "I felt jealous" is rendered unnecessary and redundant by the previous line.
It was especially hard since he noticeably started hanging out with her more than I did with him.
Try, "more than he did with me."
I constantly asked about her and hoped to hear that he somehow didn’t like her anymore, making it look like I was happy that he found a girl.
Are you sure the narrator isn't twelve? Like, absolutely certain?
But it was nothing more than gum under the shoe.
Change "the" to "a."
I thought I would be the first girl he'd ask out on a date
He's college-aged and has never asked anyone on a date before?
But how was I supposed to do that when he still acted the same.
Needs a question mark at the end.
On new years eve
Capitalize the N in "new," the Y, and first E in "eve."
he even sent me a long paragraph explaining how much he’s grateful for me, how much he wishes for us to never stop being friends.
You switch tenses here.
he would always want to talk to me everyday.
Should be "every day."
He still allowed me to explore the depths of his soul.
Oh for Christ's sake.
A feeling that would seemingly never be forgotten. He played with my thoughts and feelings. He was unfair to me the whole time and it was bewildering to know that he had been oblivious to my feelings.
"Feeling(s)" is repetitive.
but I do not give a care.
Either say "I don't care" or "I don't give a damn." Splitting the difference just sounds weird.
Maybe I am being irrational but I wish not to fall into his trap again. So we would rarely talk to each other
Tense switch.
I would do anything to make him feel happy again because I am not a monster. If he wants to talk to me, I'd happily oblige. I would do that because his happiness once mattered more than my own, and I'd be lying if I said it doesn’t anymore. I still want him to feel like the happiest being on earth.
"Happy/happily/happiness/happiest" is repetitive. Use a synonym.
I want to see him succeed, to make it in life. Even if he did it all with another girl by his side. But as far as I was concerned, just as Brontë so well put it, whatever our souls were made of, his and mine were the same. I just never realized how wrong I was.
This ending is really confusing. Are you saying you want to see him succeed in spite of the fact that you were wrong about him being your soulmate? If so, you need to clarify that, because the way it's currently written sounds like you're making two unrelated points (that you want to see him succeed and also, you were wrong).
Anyway, this was a ride. Um... it needs work? Yeah, that's my final summation: THIS PIECE NEEDS WORK. Cut down on those nonsensical sentences, ease back on the melodrama, get rid of all that purple prose, show your reader at least some of what you're talking about, and don't foist so much of the blame on Boy. Then you will be getting somewhere, moving away from "rambling, overly emotional diary entry" into the zone of "actual piece of storytelling." It won't be easy, but it will be a big improvement, I promise you that.
Points: 17243
Reviews: 328
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