Long Jump

Hi there. Lavvi in to review.

I read a poem like this once in English class. But this was interesting. I really like how you manage to build up the suspense is such a short amount of time until the count-up (1-6).

However, I found the count-up a little bit a block in the poem. It just starts and I don't like it much. There's too much counting going on. Do you have to count to six? If you have to count at all, perhaps just counting till three or four or shorten it a bit and not make it so bulky.

Yours,
Lavvi

Yes, I have to admit, I expected some deeper meaning as well. But I can not say you've disappointed me. You should, though, add some punctuation marks:

There is a line,
A line of blue people,
Short shorts and tight shirts...
One by one they disappear,
Then there is just me.
I spring up and down,
I close my eyes,
I grin and I wave at my wingman,
I shake my head one more time,
And put my foot on my mark.
It is my turn to disappear,
My spikes anchor me to the ground,
My knee is bent and I rock back and forth.
Focus.
Focus.
Now?
Now.
1
2
3
5
6
Jump!

Hey there.

I like this. It sounds like there is something extra that you don't know about, something interesting. There is the number 4 missing though, in the count. I didn't know if that was on purpose or not.

I would suggest using abreviations though, to make the language flow. For example, instead of "Then there is just me" I would have used "Then there's just me." It keeps the language smooth and continuous. I know it's not proper grammer, but it allows the reader to run through it without jolts.

Keep writing!

Hello Hayden, here to review this for you. I have to admit, I was anticipating some deeper meaning when I first read through this poem the first time. But then I read through it a few more times, and figured maybe you were in track or something, hahah. Are you?

That's what this poem reminded me of --the pressures behind being up next at an event. Nerve wracking. But I like what you evoked here emotion wise at least. If my thoughts are correct, or at least somewhere near target, I'd say this had a sort of Gatorade commercial vibe to it but that's just my opinion.

I think you could have probably done a little more with this though. Seemed a little empty. Maybe try adding something to spice it up so that it's a little bit easier to understand. Or at least make the point to it more obvious, so you don't get people like me guessing what you could possibly be trying to make a point of in the poem. Interesting work.