I look at you
You look at her
She looks at me
You are my…friend
She is my best friend
You two are sharing headphones
I am fixing my shoe—literally
You laugh at the song
She helps me with my shoe
“Thanks”
I smile
But I am thinking about you
And my stomach feels empty
You both walked over to me
She came first
You followed
I think about you all the time
Who do you think about?
Am I jealous?
Yes
Is that stupid?
Probably
Am I mad at my best friend?
Not in the slightest
She has my back
Always
Am I mad at you?
Very
Am I over you?
No, not at all
Am I over you?
Maybe a little
I still get butterflies when I think about you
They are just as sudden and overwhelming
But their flavor is different
More…regretful
You are a balloon
I’m letting go of you and you are sailing away
I miss you
You make me smile
But I know you are gone
(My main concern is that this is too anecdotal and not poetic enough. Let me know what you think!)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
I loved it! I especially liked the ending =D It had so much emotion in it!! It was also written in a different style that I've usually seen which makes it more interesting and fun =D I really loved reading this =)
Hi there. Lavvi in to review.
So I'm not really a great poetry reviewer, but I'll give it a try. If I sound nuts, just ignore it
This is sorta cool. I liked how it was, except that it reminded me a bit of three different poems with one common topic in mind. Kind of just glued together. There are parts when rhythm seems good and then all of a sudden it falls off a cliff. It'll be easy to adjust this by finding synonyms for certain words and reading this aloud to yourself and watching for how everything falls beat-wise.
Nice title.
Lavvi
Well, it seemed poetic enough for me. I liked it. The narrator was having some girl/boy (most likely boy) troubles, huh? or maybe ex B/GF problems?
This is poetic. I like the format of the poem. I think it works for the poem. There were two things that I didn't understand though.
How can butterflies have flavor? Can you use a different word instead?
and this
How can you figuratively fix your shoe? I don't think you need the word "literally" there.
Good job. I really liked this. Keep writing!
This is very poetic and I love the rhythm so much. It flows extremely well. I do not usually nitpic, so I'm not going to be much help in this review, but I do want to tell you what I liked about this:
I like this part: 1) the rhythm is very good and it pulls you into the poem 2) it's very realistic. We've all had those moments where eveyone is looking at different spots, no?
I think that was perfect use of italics. I am usually one who might over-use italics, but that was the right place and right time.
This does a really good job of describing the scene using few words, and also portrays a lot of feelings - we are starting to understand what the poem is about, if we have not figured it out by now.
Perfect, perfect, perfect! The emotions, the asking yourself questions and answering them - it flows very well and sounds wonderful. I especially like:
That's probably my favorite part.
This is sort of the theme? Hence the name? I think it fits very well, the feelings you get letting go of a balloon and letting go of him. A balloon is not nescassary to live, right? See, it's perfect!
So, as you can see, I love this overall. I am usually not into free verse, but this poem flows so nicely that it was a pleasure to read.