You Can

by Haven

Published April 7, 2013

E - Everyone

In Poems

PreviousNext
You can Love me
Hug me
kiss me
hold me
Turn me into something new
You can ignore me
kill me
stab me
watch me leave
Make me suffer to the end
You can laugh at me
call me a fool
crush me
hurt me
Let me drowned in my own pain
But in the end you will know at you need me.
Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
Paracosm
Review
Paracosm wrote a review Review · May 26, 2013

Hey Haven! You're off to a nice start if this is your first poem. It starts off very positive, then towards the end shifts into a darker tone. That was a jarring transition, and it was a good move, whether you realized you did it or not. That sort of transition is a very effective tool for creating tone in poetry. Nicely done!

There are quite a few minor errors in the poem. 'Love' and 'Hug' are both capitalized, but they are common nouns. In the last line, 'at' should be 'that'. Aside from that, you follow capitalization rules sort of sporadically. Try to come up with more consistent punctuation for the poem, or the current, sort of random pattern could unnecessarily detract from your poems quality.

One thing I'd like to see in this poem, is stronger verbs. A lot of these are fairly common, not that common is bad, but maybe you could look for some more exciting ones. Aside from that, you have a nice poem here! Keep working at it and honing away, and keep practicing. Poetry is difficult, but you're a natural. Keep up the good work!

Haven replied · May 28, 2013

Thanks for the commet I'll keep that in mind for next time but the problem is I did this poem a few years ago for school work and didn't notice until now how many errors there were. The teacher didn't help me correct it, she graded it and gave it back without a word.

User avatar
ajit8a Comment
ajit8a commented Comment · Apr 7, 2013

I think it sounds brilliant I'm listening to Ed Sheeran: Give Me Love, and it brought tears to my eyes!! :.....)

User avatar
Ary
Review
Ary wrote a review Review · Apr 7, 2013

He-llo! So it is your first time writing a poem, hmm... than let us review it! :D

"You can Love me
Hug me
kiss me
hold me
Turn me into something new
You can ignore me
kill me
stab me
watch me leave
Make me suffer to the end
You can laugh at me
call me a fool
crush me
hurt me
Let me drowned in my own pain
But in the end you will know at you need me."

I love the meaning you put in this piece, but I believe there is an absence of commas and period throughout the poem. This concerns me a bit because the emotions portrayed are absolutely lovely, and yet, there's no pause or stop to make the reader savor the stanza. I also think that in the last stanza you meant *that* not *at*, but if I may suggest, just change it to take out the awkward extension. Instead of:
"But in the end you will know *that* you need me."
You could put:
"But in the end you'll know you need me." (This is just a suggestion if you want to change it.)

What else...ah! the imagery. I like the simplicity you add to the mix of images, but in the future, go even bigger. Don't be afraid of going overboard on the imagery, unless you prefer simple (if so...) *whispers* "stay simple, I just like to be over dramatic."

Anyways, I guess that's everything for now. I really enjoyed reading this and reviewing it. Keep writing. :)

Haven replied · Apr 7, 2013

Thanks I really appreciate your help I'm not very good with poetry so it won't be the last time I make the same mistakes but I'll keep your advice in mind for next time. :)

User avatar
ParisCarter
Review
ParisCarter wrote a review Review · Apr 7, 2013

This is good, but I suggest you add punctuation marks to add more of an effect.

"You can love me.
Hug me,
Kiss me,
Hold me,
Turn me into something new."

This is good and I can feel the emotion that you're trying to express clearly, and for your first poem this is really good. My faveroite line would have to be "Turn me into something new", because the emotion just flows out of these words. One more thing make sure your capitalizing the start of each line. Keep writing!

~Paris

User avatar
Haven
Comment
Haven commented Comment · Apr 7, 2013

I wrote this poem because when you've been hurt by someone close to you, someone that you trusted, you just know that in the end they let you go because they can't handle depending on someone that they know they need more then they will ever know.



The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.
— Amelia Earhart