Don't
A light swirl blows. The leaves which line the asphalt, are swaying now.
Don't look
He trudges into the fray, helpless against the coming onslaught. Trying his best to ignore the stares, he moves on.
Don't look back.
The gentle wind whistles along, caressing his jaded mind.
Just don't look back.
Approaching the much dreaded fork, he opts for a fist-bump rather than the conventional handshake. Less awkward. But weirder.
"Hi'' , out comes a stifled greeting.
''Hi''.
And so he looks back. Back into those eyes. Harboring recognition yet tangential with hostility.
And so he walks on. Towards another. Another awkward greeting. Another muffled hello. Another weird fist-bump.
Another forced smile.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,198 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hassanfs, heya! I was feeling a little giddy today, as school was starting tomorrow. Obviously a reason.
This is so common, my mouth, no, my hands are deft in typing it. CAPITALIZE THE TITLE. I've gone insane with it! Also, punctuation inside the quotation mark, not outside.
""Hi'' , out comes a stifled greeting.
''Hi''."
This is probably the shortest review in history. Here comes praise! This work, although short, mini, and small, was teeming and full of meaning. Hey, it rhymes. You couldn't rewrite this better, so don't even think of it. I just might see your real name on a published and nice book, inform me if you ever, ever publish one! I'd love to see it. Byezeez!
-wisegirl22
hahahh. Hope you have a normal first day. Mine was anything but...
Thanks for pointing out the punctuation error.
My 'real' name is Hassan
wow. HEHEH... I dont know about publishing a book. My extremely short attention span wouldn't let me do it
But if I ever do, you'll be among the first to know
- Hassan
Yep, thx!
Hi! Cricket here for a review! Hope this helps you out, and once again welcome to the amazing world of YWS. XD
To be honest I'm not entirely sure what this is. It's not classified as poetry, but in Other and Humor, but it's not poetry, or a short story! I thought maybe it was prose, but then again, I'm not sure. I'd suggest going through and trying to find an actual category for it. Maybe poetry or prose might fit it?
Content
Hmm, I'm thinking this is almost about somebody who is talked about a lot, or is generally awkward in society, but again, I'm honestly not sure. I think you could make it seem a bit clearer with just MORE of this. I mean, I've seen these kind of works, where you have a sort of refrain in between stanzas (my bro sometimes writes them like this XD), but not quite formatted like this. I'd suggest adding some lines and thoughts to this, that make it seem deeper and more enthralling, as to add to the mystery of this.
That aside I do like your intentional repetition, and I hope you continue to do such a good job in the future.
Alright, I cut out this section to show you what you could possibly do different. What exactly is a light swirl? I'm a bit confused from reading it really. I'm thinking that there is either a word missing or you're meaning: A light wind blows. So would suggest running over that, and checking through, and making sure you have your wording just right.
One more thing, is that you have all you refain later on with a period at the end, but not these two. I would suggest doing that immediately. Although, I'm not an expert on poetry, and I can't guarantee that I'm right in this, but good grammar in poetry is always important. At least that's what I'm told. XD
Here is a grammar nitpick. Period is directly after the actual dialogue with the quotation mark following afterwards. I fixed one of them, with it in red, to show what I mean.
Yeah, I definitely agree with Okura on this one. This tied it up perfectly and I hope you do such a good job in the future.
OK, that's all from me for now. I apologize that this is a short review, but this is a shorter piece, so I hope you can forgive me for my negligence. XD
Keep writing and never stop!
~Cricket
Hi Cricket!
That's the problem I almost always face. Most of my "randoms" don't fit in any specific category.
Thanks for pointing out the grammatical errors. Really appreciate it.
This isn't a short review!
Given that this work of mine was hardly 100 words.
Thanks for reviewing
No prob! XD I'm so used to doing waaayyy longer reviews! lol glad you didn't mind!
This is so simple, but carries so much weight! I like how you build the "Just don't look back." I thought it created good suspense.
Another line I really liked was "The leaves which line the asphalt, are swaying now." I'm a person who looks at the ground a lot so my first thought was that your character must be uncomfortable or trying not to get noticed.
You build up this painfully slow greeting with all the spaces between lines and the short sentences. Then I love how you follow that with "And so he walks on. Towards another. Another awkward greeting. Another muffled hello. Another weird fist-bump." It gives that sense of repetition. If I felt so much second hand nervousness from one greeting, then I cringe thinking about your character enduring that again and again.
Let's not forget your last line. "Another forced smile." It tells you everything you need to know about this character and nothing specific at the same time. I can feel the sense of burden and pressure to smile, but also the tiredness.
Good job!
Hehehhe. Staring at the ground or at my feet is usually the first sign of my awkwardness.
Thanks!
This is actually very good. It lets the reader think up its own story/meaning of it. To me, this a person who was reunited with old friends that he no longer actually considered 'friends'. So the protagonist puts up an act.
The thing that tied this all together, in my opinion, is the final line.
Those simple three words carry so much in them that they are like the backbone of the story. It was like a slap to the face. I liked it. Keep on writing!
Thanks for the review!