He appeared to be in peace. With his body lifeless, yet not completely limp, he seemed more in a near-comatose state than on the other side. If it wasn't for the absence of the periodic snores, and the rise and fall of his chest, one might have mistaken him to be asleep.
But he was asleep.
A better kind of sleep. In which he wasn't in pain. His lips, barely parted to reveal a glimpse of crooked teeth, formed a narrow slit to resemble a half-grin. The bridge of his nose curved to construct an arch, which held a convivial presence of it's own. The pallid tone of his skin, now more pasty than the ashen gray of before. His eyelids, though shut closed, emitted a vibe of tranquility which had eluded the brown irises behind. In fact, he looked more alive than he had for the past four months.
But he wasn't alive.
. . .
A dismal air of sorrow hung about, contagious, spreading into the unknown. The melancholic wave that had up till now been confined to this room, was swelling past the loosely hinged door. People, still clothed in their sleeping suits, entered and left, one by one.
While I remained hunched, sunk into the couch beside the bed.
My eyes drifted all across the room, re-familiarising myself with the surroundings. The yellow-ish bulb glowed above, doing no favours to stem the dolor. The paint on the walls had chipped and flaked; Patches of cemented bricks were visible through the cracks. The air conditioner hummed in the distance, it's faint green light still penetrating through the dimly lit room. Syringes and IV bags, rubber gloves and pills, lay cluttered on a coffee table in the corner. The catheter suction machine hid in a corner against the now unhooked oxygen cylinder. The room seemed like it had for the past seventy six days. The only thing that gave away was the absence of the rasping breath.
I sat waiting for reality to catch on ,mimicking the restless movements the occupant of the bed used to indulge in. A flurried wiggle of the toes, accompanied by twiddling of the thumbs, and then the final act to slow down the impending atrophy - A feeble attempt to lift the arms towards the face towering over.
. . .
But there isn't anyone to look up towards to. Only shadows, jumping into and out of my vision. I crane my neck to shift my gaze towards the double glazed windows.
Rain pelts across the glass. Screaming to be let inside, it batters into the transparent rectangle separating it from what lies behind it. Trees sway ferociously in the backdrop, as if in the middle of a tango frenzy. Water-drops spray upon the drooping leaves, urging them to give in and tear down. Although it's approaching towards noon, the darkness outside suggests anything but. Rain would have been apt for a day like this, but not torrential rain.
It would've been slow and soft, with the sun peeking out from behind the clouds. The leaves would've drooped,but not torn down with the the rest of the trees. Puddles of water would've lined the roads, but not flooded them. The windows would've been opened, but not closed immediately to avoid the carpet from getting wet. It would've been grievous and mournful, but serene at the same time.
. . .
I was still slouched by the window when I realized that I felt more relieved than sad. Watching him suffer for the past few months had been more difficult, more painful than this morbid aftermath. After all, wasn't he free of the pain that had gripped him for so long?
Yes, there were tears brimming at the back of my eyes, but they weren't going to be let loose today. Perhaps some other time. Perhaps on a day when the sky was blue, when it was raining down soft and slow. Perhaps on a day when the raindrops bathed in the sunlight that filtered through them.
But not today.
. . .
A bitter-sweet feeling cloaks me as I look over to him. He is covered with a floral cloth, probably an old bed sheet, and below it, I'm sure, is the blue nightshirt he was in last night. But it's the flowery pattern on the sheet above that makes me doubt the reality of the situation. I have hallucinated before, on isolated occasions, but never have they felt this... real.
That this may not be real, breaks me into weird laughter. My hands splay immediately towards my mouth, hoping no one saw. It is only then that I realise that I'm alone in the room with him. The silence which was awkward a while ago has transitioned into one that is now peaceful.
The silence sends me to a room very similar like the one I'm in right now, except that there is no medical apparatus present in the room. Instead of an oxygen tank, there stands a coat hanger. Instead of a suction machine, there lies a chest of drawers. Instead of a motionless body on the bed, somebody is sitting on the very couch I was just in.
Sunlight streams in from the window, immersing the room in shades of golden. His nearly bald head casts a shadow on the wall, the paint not yet chipped . His grey hair, or what's left of them, shine in the glow. This makes the whole situation look, for some unknown reason, downright hilarious. He has the widest smile I've ever known, etched on his face, and his happiness is contagious. I try to counter with an equally warm smile, but fail to do so.
" Are you alright?'', He inquires, concern seeping through his voice.
"Umm...yes. Why wouldn't I be."
"Well you sort of look like a constipated chicken. That's all."
He chuckles for a while, and keeps smiling towards the distant sun.
Then his expression turns serious.
"Are you afraid of dying?"
Unsure whether I heard it correct, I stutter to a reply.
"S-s-sorry?"
"Are you afraid of dying? Something that you don't like about it?"
"Ehh...It's dying...What's there to like?"
"OK. Let me rephrase that. Is there something that particularly displeases you about the whole thing?"
"Well...Just that there isn't any dignity."
"What?"
"There isn't any dignity in dying."
With the smile magically re-appearing on his face, he beams towards me and says.
"There's no shame either."
. . .
Death either visits your doorstep on a whim, appearing out of nowhere, waking you up in the most cruel of surprises. Or it leaves a letter first, not exactly telling when she will drop by, but vaguely implying about it.
Which ever way she chooses, she always comes with a parcel of grief, sorrow, and pain, tied with confusion.
You try to prepare yourself. Get ready for her arrival. You go through your mind, assessing what to do, what not to and how to react when that doorbell rings. But that's it. That's all you can do. Try to prepare. Try. And fail to do so. Because when that ring echoes through your ears, the confusion is all the same.
A wavering mind.
A forgetful act.
A chronic persistence.
A lingering pain.
A cannula.
A ventilator.
A tracheostomy tube.
A forced breath.
The signs are there. There to tell us what to expect.
But we don't.
We don't.
. . .
I was still in the same position on the couch, when the sight of a stretcher being wheeled into the room brought me back to reality. I finally got up, hid behind my Mum, and stared towards the ceiling to avoid looking anyone in the eye. He was lifted onto the stretcher, and then laid on the cushioned surface. They came, they saw, they cried, they left. And when his hand was held for long enough, and the tears had been streamed, he was carried out of the room, into the ambulance, towards the hospital morgue, with the floral sheet now covering his face.
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140,196 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hi Hassanfs, Amindor here.
This story is very beautiful and has a great flow that moves the reader immensely. It has a great attracting beginning that easily got me interested in finding out more, and that's what's so good about it because the reader just wants to keep reading. It's wonderful, but I do have a few concerns.
Some things in the story were repetitive, like how you maybe once of twice, I think, repeated about the objects in the room, or said the word 'room.' It's not that bad, really, but maybe you could replace a few repetitive words or phrases with synonyms or something that's more vibrant.
"It is only then that I realise that I'm alone in the room with him."
Many times I see that some writers make spelling mistakes that they didn't notice, and it's okay, because all writers do it. To prevent this, when you're done writing it, skim over it to see if you spelled everything right, and if on some words you're not sure, look to see if you spelled it right.
" Are you alright?'', He inquires, concern seeping through his voice.
When it comes to quotations and commas, some writers might get confused about it. You should put the comma inside the quotations most of the time, but in this case, I'm confused myself. It usually ends with a comma, then continues with the 'she said', 'he said, etc. I'm not really sure on this one, so maybe you can search it on Google and look at different sources.
Your piece is beautiful, and I absolutely love it. I hope some of this helped, and I can't wait to read more of your works in the future. I'm sorry for your loss, but remember to be happy, because he would probably want you to be. Keep on writing!!
Okay, so this is the review that gives me my third review star! YOU SHOULD FEEL SPECIAL!!!!
The silence sends me to a room very similar like the one I'm in right now, except that there is no medical apparatus present in the room.
Try just: ".....except that there is no medical apparatus present in it."
Like myjaspercat said, this sucked me in right away. I really liked the beginning as well. The fact that he was dead but you made it seem so peaceful, as if he was having a very alive-feeling dream or something, was a very cool concept to express to your readers. You also provided great imagery.
Ok, so zee nitpicks:
1) A better kind of sleep. In which he wasn't in pain.
In the second sentence, I feel like this would work better: One in which he wasn't in pain.
2) His eyelids, though shut closed, emitted a vibe of tranquility which had eluded the brown irises behind.
You really don't need to use "shut" and "closed" one after the other. I think it would improve your work to choose one. "Though shut" or "though closed".
The section after the dividing periods was also a great attention capture. Right away, the mood changes drastically. You give the impression of a dreary setting, people grieving the man's death, much different from the last description of his passing. Very nice transition.
Nitpicks continued:
While I remained hunched, sunk into the couch beside the bed.
3) You don't really need the while at the beginning of the sentence. I believe it is more powerful without. It also flows better.
4) The last two paragraphs for the second set of separating dots need some proofreading. There are a handful of little mistakes, like extra spacing, no periods, etc. Just look over that quickly, would you, and fix all those little things?
5) Although it's approaching towards noon, the darkness outside suggests anything but.
Again with the double word thing, where you use two words in a row that mean the same. In this, it's approaching and towards. I suggest picking one and getting rid of the other in this sentence. it's repetitive and breaks the flow. (i.e. approaching noon, or the time is towards noon).
6) A bitter-sweet feeling cloaks me as I look over to him.
Look over AT him? (Not in caps, obviously, I just did that to make the suggested edit more conspicuous.)
7) That this may not be real, breaks me into weird laughter.
This sentence is confusing and weirdly worded. I suggest changing it to:
The fact that this may not be real makes me break into weird laughter.
Myjaspercat is right; you do use room a lot; it gets repetitive; just like my use of semicolons did there.
9) Unsure whether I heard it correct,
*Correctly
10) We don't. (italics)
Ok, so this whole column (ending with those two words) really struck me. It was unexpectedly truthful, and very beautifully written. I think it would make it more powerful if you changed the last "don't" to "won't" so it would be like:
We won't (italics). I highly suggest it, but of course, it's your story, so you could basically ignore everything I've suggested, highly or not xD. Just letting you know my opinion.
11) I was still in the same position on the couch, when the sight of a stretcher being wheeled into the room brought me back to reality.
Ok, using room a lot here. Perhaps just wheeled in instead of wheeled into the room?
This was so powerfully written, and it really had a great effect on me. It sounds like a kid whose father died, is that correct? My favorite lines are probably:
"There isn't any dignity in dying."
With the smile magically re-appearing on his face, he beams towards me and says.
"There's no shame either."
Those lines made me think the most, and I love art that makes me think. Very nice job, and keep writing! You have a lot of talent for it.
Keep writing,
Overall rating: 8.5/10
+1
Thanks for reviewing.
I knew it had many errors so was hoping for nitpicks to help improve it. I agree with all those that you listed Thanks!
Umm this is about my grandpa who died a week ago so... yeah.. your interpretation was more or less correct.
Okay, so this is the review that gives me my third review star! YOU SHOULD FEEL SPECIAL!!!!
Try just: ".....except that there is no medical apparatus present in it."
Like myjaspercat said, this sucked me in right away. I really liked the beginning as well. The fact that he was dead but you made it seem so peaceful, as if he was having a very alive-feeling dream or something, was a very cool concept to express to your readers. You also provided great imagery.
Ok, so zee nitpicks:
1) A better kind of sleep. In which he wasn't in pain.
In the second sentence, I feel like this would work better: One in which he wasn't in pain.
2) His eyelids, though shut closed, emitted a vibe of tranquility which had eluded the brown irises behind.
You really don't need to use "shut" and "closed" one after the other. I think it would improve your work to choose one. "Though shut" or "though closed".
The section after the dividing periods was also a great attention capture. Right away, the mood changes drastically. You give the impression of a dreary setting, people grieving the man's death, much different from the last description of his passing. Very nice transition.
Nitpicks continued:
While I remained hunched, sunk into the couch beside the bed.
3) You don't really need the while at the beginning of the sentence. I believe it is more powerful without. It also flows better.
4) The last two paragraphs for the second set of separating dots need some proofreading. There are a handful of little mistakes, like extra spacing, no periods, etc. Just look over that quickly, would you, and fix all those little things?
5) Although it's approaching towards noon, the darkness outside suggests anything but.
Again with the double word thing, where you use two words in a row that mean the same. In this, it's approaching and towards. I suggest picking one and getting rid of the other in this sentence. it's repetitive and breaks the flow. (i.e. approaching noon, or the time is towards noon).
6) A bitter-sweet feeling cloaks me as I look over to him.
Look over AT him? (Not in caps, obviously, I just did that to make the suggested edit more conspicuous.)
7) That this may not be real, breaks me into weird laughter.
This sentence is confusing and weirdly worded. I suggest changing it to:
The fact that this may not be real makes me break into weird laughter.
8 ) The silence sends me to a room very similar like the one I'm in right now, except that there is no medical apparatus present in the room.
Myjaspercat is right; you do use room a lot; it gets repetitive; just like my use of semicolons did there.
9) Unsure whether I heard it correct,
*Correctly
10) We don't. (italics)
Ok, so this whole column (ending with those two words) really struck me. It was unexpectedly truthful, and very beautifully written. I think it would make it more powerful if you changed the last "don't" to "won't" so it would be like:
We won't (italics). I highly suggest it, but of course, it's your story, so you could basically ignore everything I've suggested, highly or not xD. Just letting you know my opinion.
11) I was still in the same position on the couch, when the sight of a stretcher being wheeled into the room brought me back to reality.
Ok, using room a lot here. Perhaps just wheeled in instead of wheeled into the room?
This was so powerfully written, and it really had a great effect on me. It sounds like a kid whose father died, is that correct? My favorite lines are probably:
"There isn't any dignity in dying."
With the smile magically re-appearing on his face, he beams towards me and says.
"There's no shame either."
Those lines made me think the most, and I love art that makes me think. Very nice job, and keep writing! You have a lot of talent for it.
Keep writing,
Overall rating: 8.5/10
+1
Thanks for reviewing.
I knew it had many errors so was hoping for nitpicks to help improve it. I agree with all those that you listed Thanks!
Umm this is about my grandpa who died a week ago so... yeah.. your interpretation was more or less correct.
I'm really sorry about your loss. I think it's really amazing that you can write about a death in your family and express your emotions so well; that's what writing is all about; expressing your feelings. Keep writing, and God bless. I hope your grandpa rests in peace.
Wow, your writing in this piece literally made me want to cry. Over all I thought that this was a very beautiful, very touching story. But like everything I review, I must get done to the nit picks...
1.)The beginning paragraph pulled me in from the start. I love how you develop the idea that the man {don't know his name} is asleep with out really telling us until the end of the passage. In most writing, the author normally does the opposite and with your writing you manipulate our senses enough to even tell that the man is sleeping with out even saying it.
Ok, so my first problem is how you tell us, before you do a transition, is that the man is not alive. I was able to guess that even before you said anything because of the way you described the way he looked. Simple way, in my opinion, is to simply take that small phrase away.
2.)Working on the next part in the story I noticed a couple of things that seemed rather repetitive. First of all was the constant, or what seemed constant, use of the word 'room,' Honestly I have no idea how many times you used it but it seemed really worn out. Maybe replacing it with another word would help. Second, was I noticed you used the word corner, in two different sentences, one right after another. That can get annoying and bore the reader so try and to 'expand your horizons'.
I really like, however, the way you expressed the absence of the life that used to fill the room. I also feel as if I was actually in side that medical room because the way it was described to me was just amazing.
3.)For the next part, I think you should add the word 'again' in the first paragraph.
Ok, so that is really all I can think of to tell you. I absolutely liked this and I think that you can turn this into something really amazing if you wanted to. So the last thing I can say is good luck and continue writing.
Thanks for reviewing. Glad you liked it!
And I'll work on it to make it better.
Thanks for pointing out the problems in this
no problem, that's why I am here