Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Ella sits in the midst of the tall apple tree, lying hidden by the thick, green leaves. Her red hair hangs past her chin in a curtain of fire. A light breeze blows wisps of her hair into her face but she ignores them. All her concentration is focused on the small, leather bound book in her hands.
Her lips move in tandem with her turquoise eyes as they dance across the yellowed paper. She narrows her eyes as she comes across a particularly hard word. "M...a...g...i...c...k..." she mutters, saying each letter aloud. Mentally, she strings the letters together to form the word. "Magick," she whispers.
A thrill runs through her at saying the ancient word. Of course, she knows magick doesn't exist, everyone in Fell Stead knows that, but she still gets a rush at the thought of it. Of all the stories she's read, those with magick have always been her favorite. For a moment, Ella imagines herself as a mighty mage. A sorcerer who can use words to shape the world around them...
A gruff voice from below her interrupts her fantasies. "Ella. Ella! Dammit girl, where are you?"
Ella quickly snaps the book shut and stuffs it down her shirt. Over the past few seasons her chest has grown to a size where no one will notice the small bulge of the book between her breasts. Rolling off her branch, Ella yells, "Coming!"
She quickly scampers down the tree pausing only to grab the weaved basket she had settled on a pair of crossed branches below her. Moments later, Ella drops out of the tree and lands on the leaf strewn ground setting the woven basket on the ground beside her.
A few feet away, a stout man turns around to face Ella. He eyes her suspiciously with dark eyes under bushy eyebrows. "You weren't reading up there were you?" he asks. He says the word 'reading' like it's a vile curse.
Ella shakes her head, red locks swinging from side to side. "No Uncle Boyle. I was only climbing up to get the fruit from the highest branches. That's where they grow the largest."
Uncle Boyle grunts. "Good. A blossoming woman of your age should have no business with books or letters."
Biting her lip to hide a small smile, Ella obediently says, "Yes uncle."
Boyle grunts again. His dark eyes glance up through the thick trees as if he can actually see the sun and he says, "Come. It'll be midday soon." With that, Boyle picks up his own basket, flipping down the loose lid in the process, filled with picked oranges from the nearby grove of orange trees and pulls the attached straps over his shoulders.
Ella does the same with her own tall basket and winces as the straps dig into the bruises on her shoulders. Carrying heavy baskets of fruit from the orchards every day have taken their toll on her body. On the upside, it's made other chores easier to do and, in dire times, escape the wrath of her parents.
Boyle peers at her for a long moment without saying anything. Seemingly satisfied with whatever he was looking for, the man huffs and turns on his heel. He shuffles through the ankle-deep pile of fallen leaves to the slightly worn dirt trail that winds towards the main road leading to Fell Stead.
Ella joins him and together they start their trek back. Every once in awhile, when one strays close enough, Ella unconsciously slides a hand across a thick tree trunk.
A sudden feeling of dread settles over Ella making her pause. Less than a heartbeat later, a low growl rumbles the inner drum of Ella's ear. Instinct makes her draw the small knife she uses for slicing grape vines and spins around.
A shout dies in her throat as her tiny knife slashes through empty air. Ella lowers her hand and looks around the grove in confusion. She swore she had heard something growl just now; her ear still aches from the low noise.
A heavy hand drops onto Ella's bruised shoulder making her jump. "What's the matter, girl?" Boyle asks gruffly.
Ella looks up at Boyle and then back around the grove. "I… I don't know," she finally admits after a brief silence. "I thought I heard something but…" Ella doesn't finish her sentence, nor does she need to. Looking around the trees, she starts to doubt her own senses.
Boyle's eyes search the grove as well through narrowed slits. Several minutes pass without either speaking. Eventually Boyle breaks the silence with a characteristic grunt. "We should go. There ain't no use standing around here." Ella lets Boyle guide her out of the forest but can't shake the feeling that something is watching her.
*****
The faint magick draws the mal'tari towards it like a beacon. It can smell it. So close after so long. It can practically taste the magick on its black tongue. Towering taller than a man on its spindly legs, the skeletal monster stalks its prey through the trees. The tantalizing slowly grows stronger until the smell of it overpowers the dank smell of the forest.
The mal'tari growls deeps in its throat. It knows its prey is near. Very near. A moment later, a girl drops out of a tree and lands on the ground in front of the mal'tari. A certainty seizes the mal'tari that this girl, with her turquoise blue eyes, is the one it's been searching for.
The red pupils of the mal'tari's eyes dilate as it catches a whiff of her musky scent lying just underneath the scent of her magick. Poisoned claws slide out the monster's bony fingers reflexively at the tantalizing smell and it feels a stirring inside itself.
The girl stares through the mal'tari like it's not even there. Dark pleasure fills the mal'tari knowing that it can stand right in front of her and yet be invisible to her. She says something and the daemon curls a thin lip in disgust at the warbled sound of the harsh language. A voice from behind the creature also says something in the same language.
The girl reaches down, picks up a basket laden with bright red apples, and steps forward which forces the mal'tari to step aside. It would do no good for the prey to become aware of its hunter's presence by running straight into it. Not when the daylight has so artfully hidden it in plain sight.
It turns to face the newcomer. A powerful looking man stands with his thick arms crossed over his barrel of a chest. Barely a threat at all.
The man and the girl converse for a moment before turning and walking for the trail that leads out of the forest. The scent of magick grows slightly weaker with each step and the mal'tari growls its frustration.
The girl's ears twitch at the sound of the mal'tari's growl and pulls a knife from a hidden sheath. Malicious glee touches the daemon's black heart at how slow she is. In the time it took her to pull that flimsy knife, it knows it could have sliced her to ribbons.
Its scythe-like fingers twitch at the thought. The mal'tari watches the prey sweep her gaze back and forth over the forest without seeing the threat right in front of her in delight. It's large hands slowly sweep up to grab the girl's neck. So vulnerable…. So easy to kill…
The mal'tari then lowers its hands in frustration. It knows its orders. It knows not to kill her....yet. It's forced to watch the man place a hand on the shoulder of its prey and then guide her out of the forest. The daemon stares at the girl with it's malicious red eyes until she's walked out of sight.
Only then does it turn around and walk back the way it came. It goes to alert those it had traveled with that it had found the prey. The hunt will begin at midnight.
*****
Gale impatiently runs a hand through his blond hair. "Look. I'm telling you that we're close. I can feel the magick in the air. It's like a tiny nagging in the back of my head," he says struggling to keep his voice calm and even.
"If a source of magick were truly near, the guidance spell would have picked up on it," Sanli argues back. The old man points angrily at a smattering of engraved ivory tiles in a wood bowl.
"Well then the spell isn't working right!" Gale snaps.
"The spell has never failed me before."
"Well then maybe it's time to find yourself a new guidance spell because I am telling you: there is definitely magick over there." Gale thrusts a finger to a path that leads east. "Not to mention that it feels weird. Almost like it's..." Gale's voice trails off as he struggles to find the right word. "I dunno, muted."
"Muted," Sanli says skeptically.
"Yes, muted," Gale retorts defensively. "It's hard to keep track of. I have to focus in order to feel it but it's unmistakable. We need to go east."
Sanli narrows his eyes at Gale. "You said you can't even sense it unless you focus on it. What if the source of this magick is just some weakling awakening into his power? You could waste days of our precious time on a fool's errand."
"But what if I'm right?" Gale counters. "If there's even a chance I'm right and the magick I'm sensing is the next Priestess then it is our duty to investigate."
Sanli snorts. "I know what our duty is. But our time would be better served if we continued onto Chelshri. The next priestess is much more likely to have been born there. Not out here like you appear to be claiming." He points his staff to the south bearing path they had been on for the last several days.
Gale's eyes widen in realization. "That's what this is about!" he exclaims. "You don't doubt my ability. You just don't trust me," he accuses the old man.
Sanli pounds his staff on the ground. "Of course I don't trust you. I will never trust a-"
Sanli gets cut off by a tall but lithe man stepping between him and Gale. "That would be enough," Chung says calmly in his low baritone voice. Towering over both Gale and Sanli, his regal figure instantly silences the both of them.
Looking down on Sanli, he says,"We have no time for petty arguments. Lady Shio entrusted us with finding the next Priestess. We were all chosen for a reason. I'm here because I'm the most experienced traveller. Kuhiro," he points to the fourth member several feet away leaning on a tree, "is here to answer any questions the next Priestess is sure to have. Sanli, you're here to teach the next Priestess how to use her magick. Gale is here to find her. No one else has his natural ability to sense magick. If he says we need to go east, we go east. Is that understood Sanli?"
"Fine, fine," the old man gripes. "We go east." Clearly angry but not saying anything else, Sanli hobbles past Chung and Gale towards his horse after scooping up his bowl filled with the ivory tiles..
Gale lets out a frustrated sigh. Looking up at the unofficial leader of the group he says, "Thanks for that. I don't get why he just has to hate me so much," he laments.
Chung turns to look down on Gale with his dark eyes. "Do not mistake my intentions, Gale. I did not reprimand him for your sake. I did it so that we may move forward with our mission. We run short on time. Mark my words, if you lead us astray, Sanli will be the least of your problems."
Chung abruptly turns and strides away from Gale in the direction of his horse. "Mount up," he calls out. "We leave now. There's a hamlet to the east named Fell Stead. We go there."
Gale sighs. Resigning himself, Gale walks over to his chestnut mare which he had tied to a tree close to Kuhiro's gray stallion. "Something is bothering you," the other boy says.
Not in the mood to talk after dealing with Sanli and Chung, Gale shoots a glare at Kuhiro and snaps, "Gee, I wonder what that could be. It's not like I just fought tooth and nail to convince Sanli of something he already knows."
"I wasn't referring to that," Kuhiro says. He stares at Gale with his intense blue eyes the way a mother looks expectantly at her child while waiting to be told something. "Whatever is bothering you has been doing so for days. The signs are clear when you know what to look for."
Gale matches Kuhiro's stare for only a few moments before caving in. With a sigh he begins untying his horse's tether. "Perceptive as always," he grumbles. Even at nineteen winters, only a few seasons older than Gale, Kuhiro had become a master at reading emotions and always seems to know what the right thing to say is. Gale supposes that Kuhiro has earned the title of krioyashi, wise one, for a reason.
Pushing off his tree, Kuhiro unties the reins of his own horse. "So what is it that has you so bothered?" he asks.
"I don't know," Gale answers honestly. "I just can't shake the feeling that something is going to go wrong soon."
Kuhiro is silent as he guides his horse to the east bearing path where Sanli and Chung are already mounted and waiting. Throwing a glance back at Gale he says, "Then I recommend we had best prepare for the worst."
He doesn't try to reassure Gale or convince him that he's being paranoid. They both know that Gale's sixth sense for such matters is rarely wrong. Still feeling troubled, Gale swings a leg over his mare and kicks her into a trot.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Alright, let's get to it. I'll try to point out anything I deem flawed, and, of course, I'll tell you what I think you did right as well.
It's actually quite pretty, as prose goes. Choice of words seems rather nice, though you sometimes repeat words too soon, and I think you could use pronouns more often, because using a character's name every time can break flow, in my opinion. There are issues with flow though. It's a bit rigid. You can fix this rather easily though.
Now, this is your choice, of course. But in my humble opinion, I cannot help but think that your work would sound and flow much, much better in past tense. Present tense is good for action scenes and such, but for storytelling, past tense is more traditional, easier, and dare I say more pleasant to the eye overall. Some people will disagree and this is a very arguable topic, but it's my opinion on the matter.
I noticed one tense break ("she had settled" rather than "she would settle") but it's trivial and I'm sure you'll fix it in editing. So from here on out, I will not mention grammar or syntax errors, because they do not really require such immediate attention and can easily be fixed in edits.
There is a bit of a problem with telling the reader too many things. There are certain bits of information you can either cut out completely or tell in a more engaging fashion. When you mention her stuffing the book under her shirt, you needn't tell us that her chest has grown and made it a suitable hiding place for smuggled items. Instead, what I'd recommend, would be showing this advantage in action. Same goes for the knife she uses for cutting grape vines. It would be better to show her using it to cut vines, rather than telling us upfront. Not sure if this is the argument of "show-don't-tell," but it might be. Either way, I'd look into this, because it can make your prose just a tad rigid.
Now here's my last qualm. The group you introduce in the third segment is brilliant. The dialogue is very realistic and I love the characters, but the exposition given by Chung is really not that great. The characters clearly already know what their area of expertise is. Would he really repeat it to them, if not for the sake of telling the reader? It's just a tad distracting. Maybe shorten it to, "No one far and wide is better at sensing magick than Gale. You all know that. And because of that, I trust his judgment" or something. Yeah, it's not much better, but I feel it's a little more realistic.
---
Now to the plot and characters!
I like the plot, and I like the characters. At least so far I do. Uncle Boyle was actually surprisingly non-two-dimensional. I expected him to be a typical 'oppressor' character that the protagonist has to overcome, but later on, he seems quite nice.
The group at the end of your story is, as I mentioned previously, very good. I like them. Their dialogue is realistic and believable.
Now the villain. So far, he gives me a sort of Black Rider/Nazgul feel. An extremely powerful hunter who stalks the protagonist. If you use him right, he has potential to be quite cool. Just be careful not to overuse him and tell too much about him, otherwise he may lose his frightening nature.
So hey, if you iron out your prose, it might be a nice story. As the other reviewer present notes, you can cut out a whole load of stuff that's completely unnecessary, and the "show-don't-tell" matter is a bit of an issue with your work. But once you work out your prose and style, you'll be alright.
Enjoyable first draft to be sure.
Hi, HarshLynx! Pan dropping in for a review - my 250th, in fact. I'm glad to reach such a milestone by critiquing this brilliant piece.
Because it is excellent, I'll say that now. It's a bit rough around the edges and I do have a few concerns about cliché, but you've completely roped me in. It builds mystery and suspense as it goes on, the characters seem individual and bounce off each other, and the end has left me hungry for more. I'm definitely going to be following future instalments.
All that said, let's get onto the nitpicks. Small grammar changes will be represented in blue, and I'll also cross out any words you can delete.
Nitpicks
I'm being picky because the piece is good, but I don't much like the 'curtain of fire' comparison. The sentence just seems a bit cumbersome, and I feel like I've seen red hair compared to fire too often in my life. It would be good if you could think of a simile that was a bit more unusual, but it's not a major issue.
You don't need to clarify that a voice interrupts her fantasies; we can tell that from the fact that her thoughts tail off. Try not to reiterate things that are already clear from the events of the story. Always ask yourself if a line, a word, or even a paragraph or a scene, need to be there.
Okay, do you mean she's literally got the book squeezed into her cleavage? How big are her boobs? Or is it just an incredibly small book? I'll be honest, even if her breasts are huge, I don't really see how that would work. If she isn't wearing a bra (which I imagine she isn't, because I get a vibe that this is quite a rural, old-timey setting) then there would be nothing to hold her breasts together, so they wouldn't be able to sandwich the book in place (it would take some kind of push-up bra to do that, anyway). If she is wearing a bra, it would create a barrier against the base of the book and she wouldn't be able to push it down far enough to hide it.
In short, the boob mechanics don't make sense here. It would be more believable if she could just hide the book under her coat or something.
1) Remember that non-finite 'ing' clauses (e.g. 'stopping to smell the flowers', 'waiting for the sun to rise') should be separated from the main clause with a comma.
2) Maybe try and get rid of the second 'ground'; it feels a bit repetitive. You could easily have something like 'setting the woven basket down beside her'.
I've lumped these together because they're the same kind of mistake. When a character addresses someone by name (or a substitute for a name, such as 'uncle' or 'dear' or anything like that) you have to separate the name from the rest of the sentence with a comma. It helps prevent ambiguity in situations like this:
"Will you help Layla?" = Asking someone if they will help Layla.
"Will you help, Layla?" = Asking Layla if she will help.
Can you see the difference? Obviously, the examples I've picked out from your piece don't have this kind of ambiguity problem, but they should still follow the same rules for the sake of consistency. If someone's addressing someone, separate the name.
This sentence is a bit lumpy and hard to follow. You could trim it to something like this:
With that, Boyle picks up his own basket and pulls the straps over his shoulders. The loose lid flips in the process, revealing a mass of plump oranges picked from the nearby grove.
It's just a suggestion, but I think it's a bit clearer. Don't be afraid to cut long sentences up into two - short sentences aren't the enemy.
This sentence is also quite difficult to understand. If you scrap the 'in dire times' bit, does it still make sense? 'It's made other chores easier to do and escape the wrath of her parents'. Bit weird, isn't it? Maybe have something like:
It's made it easier to do other chores and, in dire times, escape the wrath of her parents.
I feel like just leaving it at 'it knows its orders' would be more intriguing. You're giving a bit too much away with the line I've struck out.
Much like with the 'a gruff voice interrupts her' bit, you don't need to tell us that Sanli gets cut off. You can just show us. If you had this:
Sanli pounds his staff on the ground. "Of course I don't trust you. I will never trust a-"
A tall, lithe man steps between him and Gale. "That would be enough."
We can still tell he's been interrupted, but this is more subtle. As I said earlier, always see if you can communicate what's happening in the story without having to explicitly state it. That seems to be the most pressing problem with your writing style.
Overall Thoughts
1) I'll get the negatives out of the way first. Your first scene, the one where Ella is reading in the tree, is definitely the weakest of the three. It isn't a bad scene, and I respect that it needs to be there, but it doesn't feel like it's quite found its feet yet. The moment where she hears the growl is the part that this scene hinges on, but I don't think it's that well-handled. I was confused as to what was going on when I first read it, and I think you could build up to it better, as it feels like it comes out of nowhere at the minute.
Consider drawing it out a bit more. Have her set off on her walk, then start to feel like something's watching her. Have her reach for her knife in her uneasiness. Then have her hear the growl and whip round, only to see that there's nothing there. Building up to it in stages will let the reader follow it more easily, and will draw out the suspense.
2) Your writing style is largely fine, but you definitely do tell too much. I feel like you underestimate the reader's capacity to a) remember things and b) work things out from the context. I'll take a few examples to describe what I mean.
With the bits in bold, you're labouring what is already obvious. We know Sanli is angry because he's just been arguing with Gale. We know Gale doesn't want to talk from the dismissive, sarcastic response he gives Kuhiro. You're spoonfeeding us information that we already know, which makes the writing feel a little overbearing at times. Consider how you could rephrase these sentences.
Sanli storms past Chung and Gale, snatching up his bowl of ivory tiles and mounting his horse.
Here, there's no explicit statement to tell us that Sanli is angry, but it's clear that he is from the fact that he's storming off and snatching up the bowl. Try and imply the moods of your characters through how they act - don't spell it out for us.
Gale glares at Kukhiro. "Gee, I wonder what that could be. It's not like I just fought tooth and nail to convince Sanli of something he already knows."
In this case, it's even simpler. You just let the dialogue do the talking.
My advice to you is this: try to describe the actions of the characters without giving the reasons that they're doing them. Rather than saying 'he sighed in frustration' just say 'he sighed'. Rather than saying 'he said defensively', just say 'he said' and trust that we can tell he's being defensive from the dialogue itself. It's all about stripping back the amount of information you give the reader and making sure you don't hold their hand. Sometimes you'll find that you do need to add clarification, which is absolutely fine, but always see if you can get away without it. The reader is smarter than you give them credit for.
This is all wrapped up in something called 'showing and telling', which is basically about implying information rather than making it obvious. I won't go into too much detail about in this review, but I would recommend checking out this great article for a helpful guide. You can also read an essay written by yours truly as well, if you fancy it.
3) I mentioned at the beginning that I was a little apprehensive about clichés. Obviously this is a fantasy setting, and there are already some tried-and-tested tropes emerging. We've got a society where magic is secret, a protagonist who longs for it to be real and who obviously harbours some strange hidden power. Said protagonist also has unusually-coloured eyes, and is being sought to take on some huge, life-changing role. I'm not massively worried yet, because I obviously really loved reading this, but I am a little concerned that this could become too similar to the mass of other fantasy stories out there. There's nothing wrong with using tropes, but make sure you tweak them and offer an original perspective on them. It's just something to keep in mind.
4) Onto the positives! Your dialogue is excellent. I really like the conversation in the last scene and think you do a brilliant job of showing all the different personalities. It's a difficult feat to introduce four characters at once and make them all feel distinct, but you've pulled it off really well. The conversation is also nicely balanced, too; it reveals a lot about the world and what their goals are, but it doesn't feel laden with exposition. It's natural to read. I really enjoyed it.
5) The second scene is chillingly eerie. I could really picture it. I was playing it in my head like a film, picturing this skeletal creature creeping close to Ella, hidden in plain sight. I love how you segue between all of the different perspectives in this opening chapter; it makes everything fresh and changeable and unpredictable, and it makes me apprehensive for what will happen when this 'hunt' begins.
6) It's a small point, but I'm so glad to read a fantasy story where the names aren't ridiculous. Lots of them are existing names, and the ones that aren't are simple to read and pronounce. That makes a welcome change.
Overall, I really loved this. I don't give likes away easily, so take that as proof. Yes, there's stuff to work on, but you've got the bones of what promises to be a really interesting idea, so you're definitely going to reel people in. I think the biggest thing for you to work on is going to be writing style. The plot feels like it's there. Your control of suspense and mystery is great. It's just about getting the best from your writing style so that it really compliments the mood of the piece.
Can you please tag me if you post more of this? I'd love to read and review it as I go along.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Wow, thank you so much for such a glowing review! I definitely plan on taing all of your edits into account. All of this is my rough draft as well so I haven't actually gotten the chance to revise any of it yet which makes this incredible review all the more helpful. As for keeping you updated, I've also posted the prologue which you're welcome to read and I'm working on chapter 2 today. I hope to finish it but with the holidays so close, I may not.
I will check out the prologue, though I suspect my advice will be somewhere in the vein of 'you don't need this; the first chapter is a strong enough opening. Nevertheless, I'll still review it, and I'll keep my eyes peeled for chapter 2. Glad this helped!