The moon witnesses the sun
And is marvelled by its jewels
But the moon can never stay long
And shall be hidden by the shadows.
As much as the moon desires,
It can never be friends with the sun
For the sun lives in fortune of light
While the moon is recognized only by the stars.
The sun never sees the moon
For the sun is blinded by his own glow
And so will only see those with similar radiance
And forget the evening beauties.
The moon can only hope
For bashfulness locks him in orbit,
Running around the life of earth
Playing a game with the sun, who is unaware.
But who can predict?
The moon can tame countless stars
How can it not tame the sun
Who is in nature a star as well?
It can never understand mornings
But it will understand light
Because the moon received its photons
From the photons of the morning king.
Maybe one day we shall meet,
If we find ourselves collinear,
Creating a shadow upon the earth
And finally meeting amidst an eclipse.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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128,223 Literary Works • 671,489 Reviews
Hi! Writervid here to review your work!
First off, gorgeous imagery. I could vividly picture everything. You had great word choice as well, which helped with that.
I feel like even though you personify the earthly beings, they could be analogies for people in a way? The people who are so "brilliant" that they never see anything but themselves and others like them, and those who feel diminished by those other peoples' glow. It also shows how they can have deep feelings for each other. That may just be me, and you may not have intended it, but the fact that you personified the sun and the moon enough that I could think that they meant people really shows how in depth you went with your poem. Nice job!
There are only a few things I want to address with this poem. First, are these meant to be stanzas here? I'm not sure. If you want to use stanzas you can use a little dash or asterisk or squiggly line to seperate them (~).
The second thing is capitalization. You don't need to capitalize every line in the poem. When it's all one sentence, just capitalize the start of the sentence.
The second thing is your ending. Your person switches from third to first, which doesn't quite make sense to me. I found myself scratching my head and going "huh"? more than being awed by your words, which had happened for the rest of your poem. I'm guessing first person is supposed to be the moon's POV, but it really just confused me.
That's it! Great work!
Thanks! So sudden shifts aren't that useful, are they? Thanks for that!
Hi ShinXMakoto, it's your favorite avocado, here to give your brilliant poem a review!
So, let me say first off, that this poem gave me chills. It brought to me, a sense of nostalgia, for when I was a young child I too, would stare out of the window at night and wonder why the moon and sun could never be at the same place at once. And you've made it so beautifully heart breaking!
"The moon witnesses the sun
And is marvelled by its jewels
But the moon can never stay long
And shall be hidden by the shadows."
The tale of unrequited love is so gut-wrenchingly relatable to so many people, nice job!
I can't help but criticize, however, the way you have spaced your poem.
Poems with this type of spacing
can a lot of times,
be beautifully distracting,
but excessive spacing,
Can really be too much of a distraction from this work of art.
That was really my only conflict, like I said, it's a really good poem!
And my reviews are take-it-or-leave-it, because this avocado understands that art is subjective.
Hope to read more from you soon! Great job!
-xoxo GustAvocadoKilmt
I see, spacing can get distractive too. Thanks for that!
No problem!